Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Director: Michael Cooney

Stars: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Scott MacDonald

So you thought the shower raping killer snowman was gone? WRONG! It seems the goverment can't leave shit well enough alone and dig up the antifreeze containing our watery villain. Some dipshit spills coffe on him and for some fucking reason, he returns to kill.

The Sheriff from the first movie is going on vacation with his wife, his pal Joe, and his annoying to the 13th degree soon to be wife. They arrive at a tropical island but having loser radar, ol' Jack finds his way to the island as well.

I have to admit something...I've never seen the first Jack Frost. It's not that I've never had the chance...it's just I try to avoid movies that everyone else gush on about (even for how bad it is). I mean, yeah, I liked the Room but Birdemic was a boring piece of shit and was hard to sit through even with the Rifftrax commentary. So when I saw the trailer for this on youtube, I thought "why the hell not". Then I thought "I wonder if I'm the only person who enjoys Bac-os on their own". Then my wife tells me to shut up because I've been saying that shit out loud instead of thinking.

Six Things I've Learned from Jack Frost 2

1. If you work at a place where the owner wears a safai suit 24/7, the security guy looks like a chubby Snake Plisken, and your coworker is Captain Fun, I'd look for the nearest icicle to impale myself on.

2. I have to reluctantly admit, this is a pretty fun movie. It doesn't take itself seriously, and it doesn't beat you over the head with jokes aimed at people with the IQ of a 3 week dead squid. The ice cube to the nipples scene is a real highlight for horror comedy that actually works.

3. I'm always amused when there are nude scenes in a film and they go out of their way to cut out any of the lower nudity. I'm sure it's because the actress doesn't want her golden vagina to be on display, but I like to imagine that the director was morally against showing it. " Bare breasts are fine, but I will NOT sully the good name of Jack Frost with the showing of baby incubators!"

4. I could tell this was set at Christmas because when the resort bus unloaded, I counted four main morons, three dumb bimbos, two stupid jocks, and a gay man stereotype.

5. Dear God was seeing Captain Fun get an icicle in the face one of life's simple pleasures. I rewound and watched that scene a good 15-20 times. I...have issues.

6. On a tragically sad but morbidly funny note, star Christopher Allport was killed in 2008...by an avalanche. Yes, lots of snow. I'm not always the best judge of it, but I "think" that might go in the irony files.

Witchtrap (1989)

Witchtrap (1989)

Director: Kevin Tenney

Stars: James W. Quinn, Linnea Quigley, Kathleen Bailey

Some asshole hires a team of paranormal researchers to investigate a haunted mansion he owns and plans on turning into a bed and breakfast. He also hires the worst security team to watch over them and make terrible wisecracks. There's also a weird religious nutjob psychic that's part of the paranormal group, and she seems to have an orgasm every time this evil spirit decides to off somebody. I'll have what she's having.

So Avery Lauder, formerly a living warlock, now a dead one, sees his chance to become breathing once again by finishing some satanic ceremony that will allow him to enter the psychic (he'll call her afterwards, he promises) and just be unpleasant to be around.

I'm not sure how to feel about this movie. The acting is terrible all the way through, and the dialogue ridiculous, but it was a well shot movie and it even had a decent effect or two. Not too terrible to mock mercilessly (though I'll try) and not good enough to praise. At least Linnea Quigley gets newd. 

I did like how they kept saying that this wasn't a sequel to the director's other movie Witchboard. No, just because you have the same bad guy with the same look and a different name is merely a coincidence.

Six Things I've Learned from Witchtrap

1. I heard the psychic lady won third place in the Joan Cusak lookalike contest. No truth to the rumor that John Cusak popped a boner watching this.

2. If a door reaches out to you with arms open wide, don't fall for it. Doors don't hug. DOORS DON'T HUG!

3. Yes, this film has some of the most stilted line readings of all time, but nothing compares to the speech the psychic gives to our hero Tony Vincetti. He don't believe in God, she does. She proceeds to tell him the story of why she believes, but she says it in a way that no normal human being would ever say it...at least not in this century. Lines like "As the salt water quickly enveloped the world around me, I sank into a dark peaceful cocoon" are grounds for the screenwriter to be force fed his own script page by page.

4. I know they tried to make the hero detective likable, but the odd way he would insult people, and the pure cruelty behind some of those insults makes him seem more like a douchebag with a gun. The head of the security firm alone deals with the guy calling him inbred, spineless, and a quicker boss dicker licker upper. There's a point where someone goes from being a smartass to being an asshole and this guy leaps over that line like a pole vaulter.

5. If an evil spirit has possession of your loved one, it is not advisable to taunt the evil spirit by saying that loved one will reveal the spirit's dark secret. Don't take a psychic to know that exploding heads and large cleaning bills will be in your future.

6. Something that's always bothered me in horror movies....you know the scene where someone is standing still with their back turned to the camera and somebody slowly walks up to them, taps em on the shoulder, and it's a hideous/evil monster/demon? Those people are well aware that something bad's happened to this person, and the evil being isn't making any effort to turn around...so why doesn't the moron tapping monsters just go home? The creature's WAITING for that tap, and if it doesn't come they might not be able to turn around. Maybe THAT'S the weakness. Let the jackass stand there for eternity waiting for me, I'll be home drinking a beer playing the Xbox.

Surburban Sasquatch (2004)

Surburban Sasquatch (2004)

Director: Dave Wascavage

Stars: Sue Lynn Sanchez, Bill Ushler, Dave Bonvita

I love this terrible movie.

The plot, what little of it there is, concerns a giant angry and hungry Sasquatch going around disappearing and reappearing to rip off the same arm over and over and kill people. Two cops, a not the least bit native american female warrior, and the saddest excuse of a writer all try to destroy this unstoppable beast.

So this movie has a combination of bad practical effects mixed in with the worst CGI since Birdemic. There's such ridiculous effects like the worst explosion ever, a sentient net cast over the Sasquatch, and an exploding door even though you can see the real door opened. I guess having two doors would protect you more.

There is so much wrong with this movie but it does the one thing that I ask of any movie...it entertains me. Not always in the way they intended, but this is a really enjoyable film. They could have knocked off about 15 minutes and made the hero less of a pansy ass, but those are minor squibbles to seeing some guy get his head squished or a little foo foo dog get torn in half.

This is one of those films I feel that should get more attention. It's the perfect midnight movie, ready to be riffed and not at all dull like that piece of shit Birdemic is. I think films like this should be seen in an actual theater because this is one of those movies that demands crowd participation.

Maybe I'm just insane.

Instead of my usual "Six Things" deal, I'm going to do what I did with Alien Beasts and give you guys and gals a little highlight reel of this fanfuckingtastic movie. Enjoy!

You can buy the movie like I did (via the Depraved Degenerates Six Pack from Pendulum) or you can buy it cheap right from the director himself HERE

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Director: Antonio Margheriti

Stars: David Warbeck, Almanta Suska, John Steiner

In this Italian Indiana Jones ripoff, our hero Bob Jackson (yes, that's his name) and Captain Dave his British bastard of a friend are chasing down a double traitor American spy in 1944. The guy's plane crashes and Jackson parachutes down to see if he's alive. He is, but not for long as savages turn him into a goant pincushion. Jackson gets one for good measure, but is oddly saved by a pretty white girl that the savages seem to obey.

A year later, Captain Dave tracks down Bob in the Philippines (well, that's what it looked like anyway) and offers him a shitload of money (for 1945) to track down what the spy was searching for...the mysterious Ark of the Covenant Golden Cobra.

Along the way, the guys are joined up by this creepy Jack Elan type "archeilogist" and his niece, who is the exact double for the girl who saved Bob a year earlier! Turns out  it's her twin sister, who went with her parents on a missionary trip never to return. The sexual spark between the niece and Bob would be equal to running your feet across carpet and touching your buddy (another person, not your penis).

Captain Dave is killed in an explosion, and the other three explorers set out for the treasure. Do they find it? Will they keep it? Will that mysterious man who keeps appearing in the flames come over here and start my grill? I want me some hot dogs damn it.

Six Things I've Learned From Hunters of the Golden Cobra

1. Savages will worship the hell out of a pretty white girl who dresses like a valley girl.

2. Captain Dave is the biggest damn asshole in this movie. sure he saves the day, but he pretty much forces Bob into all these situations that put him in danger and makes him do ridiculous faces. If I was Bob, I'd punch him in the face in a cock fight arena as well. Maybe a cock punch for good measure.

3. Captain Dave finds Bob at a cock fight "arena", where these two dicks start a fight. I think that people who frequent these places are actually looking for a reason to fight, but don't want to be the ones who start it because they don't want to appear like assholes. But if some random guy falls on your table and spills your beer, it's fair game. There's always etiquette. For a good example, see Roadhouse.

4. !945 Philippines was really ahead of it's time. Not only do they have modern automatic guns, but in one scene I see a guy wearing bell bottoms! Truly before their time.

5. This is one of the better Indiana Jones ripoffs as it uses some of the sequences in random order to try to throw people off. I spotted the being chased to the plane in the water by svages scenes, the kidnapping in a busy marketplace scene, the fight at the airplane strip scene, and the scene where Indy and Marion are surrounded by snakes....only here it's like 5 snakes and some assholes with tiki torches.

6. Why did they name the hero Bob Jackson!? If you're going to make an adventure film where the guy is rising his life constantly and having savages and old men covered in flames following you, you don't name your hero something that you could find in the phone book under Accountants! Spice it up a bit. Call him U.S. Jackson or Reno Monroe or Nevada Neidermeyer. Anything is better than BOB.

The Hand (1981)

The Hand (1981)

Director: Oliver Stone

Stars: Michael Caine, Andrea Marcovicci, Bruce McGill

In the past day or so, my wife and I watched this movie and Fatty Drives the Bus. Normally, you'd see me reviewing Fatty while she takes on the more "highbrow" stuff. Oh not today my friend. She took the honors on reviewing Fatty here, while I dig into some pre conspiracy lovin' Oliver Stone.

I sort of remember seeing this movie around 1983 or '84 on one of the pay channels. That would make me around 6 or 7. Obviously a good age for someone to be watching a movie about a killer severed hand. No wonder I'm so weird.

Michael Caine plays Jonathan Lansdale, the creator of the popular comic strip Mandro (or Mondro...I'm not sure). An argument with his wife in the family car ends up costing him his right hand. Life goes on, and he gets fitted with what looks like a cross between Luke's hand in Return of the Jedi and part of the Terminator. Shockingly, his wife starts showing signs of having an affair with some touchy feely yoga douchebag despite having a cyborg for a husband.

While the wife and kid stay in New York, Lansdale goes to California to teach at a small college. He buddies up with another teacher there played by D-Day from Animal House and starts boning the supermarket checkout girl. But unbeknownst to him, his severed hand decided to tag along like a devoted pet and help kill those who have wronged Jonathan.

When Jonathan's wife and kid come down to visit, the marriage falls apart and the hand gets pissed. It'd be like if Thing from the Addams Family decided to strangle the kid who kept wanting his two dollars instead of just flipping him off.

I think this film is pretty underrated as far as horror/thrillers go. It's not Stone's best work, but he shows that the talent was there, even when the box office wasn't.

Six Things I've Learned From The Hand

1. While Michael Caine is a charming almost handsome man, he should get the lifetime award for having the worst hairstyle of any leading man alive.

2. I was very disappointed that Michael Caine didn't grab a cup, crush it with his metal hand, and say "Groovy". I expect too much from my movies I guess.

3. Look, if you don't want people putting dead bodies in the trunk, then you shouldn't make trunks the perfect size to put dead bodies in. I'm just sayin'.

4. I got to admit I was a little disturbed to see Annie McEnroe play a hot young woman gleefully whipping off her clothes. Not that I minded, hey she's got nice hooters, but I wasn't expecting to see Kay Culver from True Stories getting nude here.

5. Apparently, classes at small colleges are held in somebody's attic.

6. I'm going to spoil this 32 year old movie and tell you that there's no severed hand...it's Jonathan gone crazy and killing folks without him realizing it. But why does he go crazy? His wife. She tries to pass the truck on the road on a curve and ends up getting the man's fucking hand cut off and shot into a field. Gee, a cartoonist without a hand is like a fluffer with morals...completely worthless. On top of that, she starts bringing this touchy feely asshole yoga instructor to their apartment. And let me give you ladies a Protip here...no matter how much you say how great the guy is, we're never going to like him because we know he either wants to or IS tapping your ass. So don't try.

Anyway, she brainwashes their kid to call the guy "Uncle", the codeword for "Mommy's Boyfriend". So Jonathan is distraught and goes across the country to get away from her. Yeah, he ends up having an affair of his own, but then he finds out the girl he's sleeping with is going off to LA to bang Bruce Fucking McGill. God damn Jonathan Lansdale can't fucking win for trying. So he snaps and kills them both, not realizing he's doing it. He tries to kill his wife, but that damn kid stops him. 

His damn wife ruins his life and we're suppose to feel sorry for HER? Fuck that noise. SHE made him a killer and I hope she spends the rest of her fictional life realizing that if she hadn't been a bitch and just told him she wanted a divorce instead of playing chicken on the road, maybe Jonathan wouldn't have turned into a fucking looney tune. 

I need a drink.

Fist Fighter (1989)

Fist Fighter (1989)

Director: Frank Zuniga

Stars: Jorge "George" Rivero, Edward Albert, Brenda Bakke

CJ Thunderbird, which is either the coolest name in the world or an extremely cheap brand of malt liquor, travels to South America to fight a champion bare knuckles fighter named Rhino. Why you might ask? Let's test your action movie knowledge.

A. To avenge the death of his friend

B. Because Rhino raped and killed one of Thunderbird's relatives

C. Bitch owed him like ten bucks

D. Because he was infringing on CJ's titty bouncing copyright

While choice B is a pretty good staple of the genre, the right answer is A. Those of you that chose D make me ashamed. My head is slowly turning from side to side in disapproval as I type. I better stop cause this is making it hard to type.

So Rhino is there in South America, managed by the town's resident Brad Wesley, Billy Vance (played here by a post Mannix Mike Connors). After CJ starts whipping Rhino's ass, Vance has the police stop the fight. Thunderbird, not backing down or emoting in the least, is helped out by Punchy (Albert), an ex boxer/currently con man with one leg to stand on, and Ellen (Bakke) playing the Kelly Lynch role...which means she's gonna get some Thunderbird in her. I made myself a little ill typing that.

Vance knows that Rhino can't beat Thunderbird, so he arranges for CJ to be put in prison. There he becomes friends with his gay cellmate (we know he is gay by his bright pink outfit), fight a big ol' hairy mutant of a prisoner called the Beast (in a cage match no less), and catches the attention of the prison warden, who hates Vance.

Will CJ Thunderbird go on to finally avenge the death of his friend who we never get any sort of information about? Well of course he will...you'd have to have an IQ of four to not realize that.

Six Things I've Learned from Fist Fighter

1. Vance, Rhino, and the corrupt police captain are always seen hanging out together. I bet there were some wacky adventures going on with those guys while we watched Thunderbird and Punchy (a great TV show title by the way) train. I bet they went out and did karaoke a lot. I wonder what Rhino sang. I bet it was Hungry Eyes.

2. I'm not sure whose boobs are bigger...Bakke's or Jorge Rivero's. Both pretty hot.

3. If you want to help your best friend find out his enemy's weakness, going out and getting the ever loving shit beat out of you until you die days later is probably not the best way to go about it. Hire someone and get them to write you a report with their good hand instead. Smart AND safe.

4. This:

5. There's a great scene at the beginning where Thunderbird takes on Superstar Billy Graham (the steroid-ed wrestler, not the steroid-ed preacher) in an arm wrestling contest and beats him. The bro code states in section 12 paragraph 8 that "if one man is beaten by another man fairly in a competitive event, the loser must gather as many of his out of shape buddies to get their asses kicked by the winner as well". Hey, it's in the rules.

6. Jorge Rivero is awesome. Most of you know him best as Uri, the hairstyle changing bastard from that awful movie Werewolf. Here he plays a hero so stoic, I was afraid he'd end up outside of a souvenir  store in Phoenix. He reacts the same way for EVERYTHING. Friend dies? Stoic. Having sex? Stoic. Stuck in prison in a tiny solitary confinement box? Mother fucking stoic to the max. I hope to review Conquest, his Fulci directed sword and sorcery epic, soon.

Mankillers (1987)

Mankillers (1987)

Director: David A. Prior

Stars: Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, Edy Williams, Lynda Aldon

An ex CIA agent is in the drug running/ cheerleader type girl smuggling business with his partner, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes. The CIA sends the renegade agent's ex lover Rachael (and also an agent) out to get him. She has a personal vendetta because her ex beau decided to put a slug in her buxom chest a few years back.

Rachael assembles a team entirely of women to take out the renegade's band of morons, jerks, and feebs. Lots of squibs a flying in this one. Fun note, they filmed this back to back with the "wonderful" Ted Prior vehicle Deadly Prey. Oh joy.

Six Things I've Learned from Mankillers

1. I have decided to make a holiday where we hang up papier-mâché versions of Edd Kookie Byrnes, blindfolding someone holding a knife (a butter knife and staying 100 feet away would suffice), have them stab Kookie in his papier-mâché dick until candy comes out. I'd call it "Let's Stab Kookie in the Dick" Day. I'm...still working on the name.

2. The team of female prisoners included the gum chewing bad girl, the...uhh...black girl, the asian girl, and....ummm...the others. They literally gave all the personality to one girl. Out of ten. Way to hog the spotlight lady!

3. I enjoyed the fact that EVERY SINGLE GUY KILLED used the same "uhhh!" sound. It's like the Wilhelm scream, only every five seconds for forty five minutes.

4. Female prisons are only filled with buxom scantily clad beauties, just like every men's prison are filled with guys who want to put it in your butt for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Those are small cigarettes. Your anal virginity isn't even worth a filter.

5. The lead villain in this looks like a deranged John Holmes...only without the charm...or the third leg.

6. So here's my big complaint on this movie. Your lead actress is an attractive big breasted woman. She assembles a team of large breasted women. Not only that, but she recruited them from fucking prison! She then dressed them up in the most skimpy camouflage gear known to man or bikini model. So why, if you have all of these elements together, DO YOU NOT SHOW ANY FUCKING NUDITY FROM THESE WOMEN WHATSOEVER!? There's nothing, nada from these women. No full frontal, no titties, not even a goddamn buttcrack is shown! What happened? Was someone (as my wife put it) supposed to be the designated "titty lady" but they kept trying to put it on the other girls? Lord knows they weren't hired for their acting ability or fucking personalities. EDY WILLIAMS, A PERSON WHO WILL TAKE IT OFF EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT HER TO, DIDN'T GET NUDE! What the fuck movie...just What. The. Fuck.

Iced (1988)

Iced (1988)

Director:  Jeff Kwitny

Stars: Lisa Loring, Debra De Liso, Doug Stevenson

Jeff, who is head over heels in love with some girl ends up dying in a skiing accident. Four or five years later, the girl, her husband and their friends all show up at this cabin to reunite. But wait! Somebody is killing off these fine folks! Has the deceased Jeff returned...or has somebody else decided to take revenge for him? I think you can figure it out on your own.

This isn't a bad movie by any stretch, just one riddled with plotholes. After Eddie, the Freddy Mercury lookalike is killed, he calls his girlfriend Jeanette (Lisa Loring) and tells her he's with Jeff, who is of course dead. Maybe it's a tiny spoiler, but the killer is IN the same room so how did they pull this off and who was doing Eddie's voice? Don't bother finding out cause it's never explained.

It's a typical slasher film with some real unlikable characters. It's nothing groundbreaking, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Plus, hey, at least I got to see Wednesday Addams all grown up and nude in a hot tub. Had to overlook the big hair, but otherwise that was quite enjoyable for me. Thumbs up.

Six Things I've Learned from Iced 

1. The final girl here has a terrible disorder. Whenever she steps foot into a kitchen, she is compelled to do exercises. She does cook a mean steak in the rec room though.

2. If you want to impress a girl, skiing off a small cliff chest first into some rocks might make a better plan B.

3. If you must do cocaine, it's always best to do it buck ass naked.

4. There is very little gore in this movie, but at least the killer is creative with his methods. Icicles, the old heater in a hot tub and a ski in neckonomy are all in his bag of tricks.

5. It's bad manners to make out with your realtor in front of your friends. Wait until at least three of your friends have left the room first.

6. The twist within a twist is perhaps one of the most laughably insane things I've seen. After the killer is dispatched (won't reveal who it is, but it ain't hard to figure out) we cut to "five years later". Our happy final couple are enjoying some time in the woods with their two children building the worst snowman I've ever seen. Trina, our final girl, puts on the last coal eye, which then starts to bleed. Then suddenly, our killer bursts out of the snowman. Five years later. After getting shot in the face. Hiding in some kids' shitty snowman. That is one dedicated killer.

Satan Hates You (2010)

Satan Hates You (2010)

Director: James Felix McKenney

Stars: Don Wood, Christine Spencer, Angus Scrimm

As a child, we didn't have a whole lot of money. Trips to restaurants were considered a special occasion, and trips to the theater were usually out of the question. Except one place...

Bowling Green had a free christian drive in.

It's long gone now, as are most drive in sadly, but this was a place my family would take us when we would whine about going to movies. It's not that they were religious fanatics or anything...it was just a way to get us out of the house for a few hours. They never realized that they were pushing me towards christian scare films.

Christian scare films are those they show the danger of leading an immoral life. They still exist today in the form of Left Behind and The Omega Code movies, but it's a hell of a lot tamer. The ones we were shown were such classicks as A Thief in the Night and my personal nightmare fuel, The Burning Hell. My parents meant well, but look at this and tell me this would make a person sane.

 

Anyway, this films parodies these types of films (along with Jack Chick tracts...I'll save that for another time). Marc and  Wendy are two people jetpacking on the road to hell. Wendy, with her random sex and constant drug use, and Marc with his lust for men and his bad habit of killing people. 

A couple of demons are watching their progress, making sure they do all the wrong things along the way, even though forces are working against them in the awesome form of Angus Scrimm and Debbie Rochon. I don't wanna spoil it, but God wins.

Michael Berryman is adorable. Why haven't they come out with Berryman plushies is beyond me.

Six Things I've Learned from Satan Hates You

1. If the ugly lesbian wants to play on the Ouija board and call up Satan, be sure that you put your soul someplace safe...like in a mason jar or perhaps one of those mini safes that you have to have a combination for. Oh and don't do coke.

2. Abortion clinics must take place in what looks to be the sewers. I heard the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had to move because of all the screaming.

3. Angus Scrimm continues to be the coolest guy in movies. Evil alien or gentle soul saver, he knocks it out of the park every time.

4. I watched one of the director's other movies, The Off Season, before watching this. The Off Season was ho-hum, but this one was just great. Both films have the same cast, but while I hated Don Wood's work in Off Season, I loved his nutso character here. If you have to watch one movie with the same cast, pick Satan Hates You.

5. Don't pick a fight with Reggie Bannister. You'll lose. Every damn time.

6. People on IMDb are a bunch of fucking morons. I seriously wonder how anyone with a working brain stem can take this movie seriously. I get not knowing Jack Chick tracts, but this movie is beyond over the top that lobotomy patients would know what this is. I somehow blame Seltzer and Friedberg for dumbing down people enough that they have to be spoonfed jokes like they're a bunch of drooling babies. I have an idea for a movie..it's call The Kick Seltzer and Friedberg In The Nuts Until They Come Out of Their Mouths Movie. I'm sure it'd get a higher Rotten Tomato Rating.

My Thanksgiving Gift to You - VHS Trailers!

It's Thanksgiving, and I'm thankful for the 12 people that read my site, so I teamed up with the great Seven Doors of Cinema site to bring you not one but TWO gifts...

VHS trailers!

I finally got the means to pull our great VHS collection into the digital age, so of course I use it to rip those trailers at the beginning of our craptastic collection of B movies. 

AIP? We got it.

PM Entertainment? You can have it at night or in the morning!

Vestron? That V is flying into your living room...hide the breakables and children.

 We grabbed a random group of tapes, ripped the trailers, and split them up in two 45 minute installments. WARNING: there are Anna Nicole Smith boobs, terrible actor, and a Wings Hauser sighting.

So sit back, relax and enjoy an hour and a half of cinematic turkeys!

Seven Doors of Wide Weird Trailers #1 by alabastertnt

Seven Doors of Wide Weird Trailers #2 by alabastertnt

Skatetown U.S.A. (1979)

Skatetown U.S.A (1979)

Director: William A. Levey

Stars: Patrick Swayze, Flip Wilson, Maureen McCormick

In the late 70's everyone and their grandmother were putting out roller skating films due to Xanadu. Had they known how badly it would bomb, they would have went with orangutan movies instead. Besides Xanadu, we had Roller Boogie, starring the still young but big tittied Linda Blair, and this mish mash of crap.But what do you expect from the guy who brings you Blackenstein and Wham! Bam! Thank You Spaceman?

I like ensemble movies, the ones where everything happens in a single day/night and involves multiple characters in different subplots, but this one just doesn't do it very well. Characters you think are important disappear for half the movie, while we're stuck watching morons like the doctor who thinks he's in Nam for what seems like hours at a time.

Flip Wilson and his dad Billy Barty (yes, the famous white little person) run Skatetown U.S.A, which is so huge it might as well be it's own actual town. There's a big skating contest and Stan from the valley plans to win it with help from his manager Chachi and his sister Marsha Brady. Standing in their way is a gang led by that dreamy dastardly Ace (Swayze in his first role).Ace never loses, not only due to his mad skills, but also because his buddy Horshack sabotages the competition.

In other asinine subplots, Flip Wilson dresses in drag as his mom, the aforementioned doctor who thinks he's in simulated 'Nam, a chick with an awesome rack being told jokes for an hour by some geriatric pervert while waiting for pizza, and Murray Langston basically being an annoying douchebag. I think I saw Ruth Buzzi in there too. 

Six Things I've Learned From Skatetown U.S.A

1. Dress him in leather, grow a beard, make him act crazy, but nobody is going to believe Ron Palillo is a mean gang thug. EVER.

2. We are cursed to have an appearance by the Unknown Comic in this film. I fully believe this is the reason that this movie has never been released on VHS or DVD (I saw it on youtube). They were trying to spare you his unfunny act!

3. The DJ in this movie not only has Gary Spivey hair (look him up), but can shoot bolts out of his hands and make terrible skating troupes appear. He's suppose to be the guy that's hip and cool, but I kept thinking that the living mr. microphone was going to electrocute himself shooting out sparks willy nilly. Bet he stole his power from KISS after they met the Phantom of the Park,

4. When I think of fun sexy teen skating disco films, I think of Dave Mason.

5. You'd think seeing Maureen McCormick wear a tube top and hot pants would do things to your "lil skating partner" but oddly it just isn't all that flattering. Damn you tube tops!

6. I fully think they were recruiting a new Village People type band. In the skate contest, you had Swayze as the gay Warrior (gang member), there was a guy dressed like Uncle Sam, someone dressed like a bullfighter or bandit or something, and Stan, who decides to be the gay Zorro after putting on a mask. This of course not at all hiding the fact that the guy playing Stan couldn't do the moves gay Zorro could. They even play Macho Man during fake Stan's routine!

Beasties (1991)

Beasties (1991)

Director: Steven Paul Contreras

Stars: Eric C. Bushman, Denise Mora, James Jeffries

I hate when movies try to advertise themselves as the worst movie ever. The Golden Turkey jackasses tried to do it with Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's not...not by a long shot. The director of Beasties tried to call his film the worst movie ever a few years back and of course he's wrong as well. I've already seen the worst movie ever in Alien Beasts, and I still have some David "The Rock" Nelson movies to review. I know it's some marketing ploy, but you can take Troll 2, and Birdemic, and shove em up your asses. They aren't the worst movies ever...they're just unwatchable crap.

This convoluted mess is about some nerd who finds a spaceship, so of course in the name of being "friendly" he steals one of the ship's eggs. Yes, because being a thief will show the evil hand puppets you're a good guy. 

So he and his big haired girlfriend show up at this other chick's house. Now she had been fighting off a beastie after she and her body double took a shower. They work together to..do something while other characters come and go comically. 

There's also a punk gang lead by Hammerhead who all worship this Skeletor wannabe named Osires. He likes to surround himself with rejected GLOW wrestlers and make them fight to the death. Oh and Hammerhead's old lady really does look like an old lady, with her crow's feet and her giant Cher hair.

This movie jumps from scene to scene without making a bit of sense. Then at the end, our hero stands in front of the main alien and delivers a 10 minute exposition on what's going on. And I STILL couldn't make any sense out of it.

Oh well, at least it's entertaining in a goofy way. Not the worst movie ever.

Six Things I've Learned From Beasties

1. Every group of punks need their own giant fat hairy guy. It's punk union rules.

2. The "beasties" themselves are perhaps the coolest looking hand puppets ever to show up on super 8. They reminded me of a cross between two toys from the 80's, Boglins and the insect vehicles of the Sectaurs. I want one of my own!

3. When the soundtrack started playing that fake tuba fat guy/nerd music, I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a fat (for 1991) nerdy guy pulls up in his car. I know my fat/nerd music...mainly because the guy making it won't stop following me around. It hurts.

4. There's very little of the beasties in question in this film. The main villains are this inept group of punks that basically annoy people and have ugly amazonian chick fights. The title of this should have been "Annoying Assholes With Bad Hair".

5. I'm very impressed with the suppose main villain's batting helmet made from some poor schmuck's skull. I was less impressed when he drank blood and became a minor league version of a member of GWAR.

6. So the big twist in this film is that the alien ship that has landed is in fact, our nerdy hero from the future after performing stupid experiments on himself. So basically our hero is making his girlfriend go up inside him (a future him, yes, but him nonetheless). Geez pal, you should start out slow...like a couple fingers deep first. Perv.

Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)

Director: Carl J. Sukenick

Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a plot...you know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.

Santa Claws (1996)

Santa Claws (1996)

Director: John A. Russo

Stars: Debbie Rochon, Grant Cramer, John Mowod

I know I know, it's too early for Christmas movies, but I gotta be honest here...if I reviewed this at Christmastime, I'd get depressed. That's why this gets an entry in the Awful Movie Month festivities.

This movie  has such a bare plot, that it would have to be sold in a plastic wrapper to people over the age of eighteen. Kid kills his 50 year old stripper mom and gross uncle in bed because he has dead daddy issues. In present time the now grown up kid has moved his obsession to what I assume is his neighbor, a scream queen (Rochon). He wants her for himself so he plots to kill her film coworkers, her cheating mulleted husband, and anyone else that gets in his way. 

And how does he kill these people? By dressing up as an awful movie character (the title of this crap) and stabbing them with a small rake. Yes, a fucking gardening tool. Not a cool one like a shovel or gardening shears...but a fucking tiny rake.

I had no expectations going into this, and came out with less. I'm not even sure how that's possible.

Six Things I've Learned From Santa Claws

1. The photographer husband has one of the best mullets I've ever seen. I hope he's doing a Joey Buttafucco one man show "Amy Fisher and Me".

2. This movie is a big advertisment for Scream Queens Illustrated, a magazine that had low level scream queens (mixed with REAL scream queens like Rochon, Brinke Stevens, and Linnea Quigley) doing badly shot playboy style nude layouts. I'm not even sure some of these women could scream, considering a lot of them I never saw in any movie whatsoever, much less one where screaming was required.  And trust me, considering the crap I watch for this site, I would have seen SOME of them.

3. where the fuck is the gore in this movie! When we have someone who helped create one of the goriest subgenre of horror films at the helm, I expect a little more. I'm not talking about jump roping with intestines, but sure as fuck more than putting small gobs of red nail polish on someone's fucking face and body! That's all there is!  Rake wound? little red nail polish. Gunshot to the face? A little dab will do ya.

4. I really enjoyed that they went from a nude posing/awkward dancing scene immediately into a nude shower scene with the same actress. I was hoping they would then cut to a nude driving scene and then to a nude eating cold leftovers on the couch watching an episode of Tales From the Darkside scene.

5. Apparently, putting sleeping pills in the drinks of the kids you are babysitting is a BAD idea. But hey, how else are you going to go out and kill people with two brats running around asking where the bathroom is!? "I'm busy putting nail polish on this woman's fake jugs, go piss in that trashcan!"

6. The fuck happened to you Russo!? Sure your movies weren't as well recieved as George Romero's but the Majorettes was cheesy fun at least. The only good thing about this film was Debbie Rochon (and that nutty killer guy as well). And to make it worse, you dragged Bill Hinzman into this! I'm convinced this was just an excuse for you and Billy Boy to stand around and watch women take their clothes off. If you at least admitted THAT I would understand. Would have picked better models (again, except Rochon) but hey, if big fake titties are your bag, jump on in!

John, I am disappoint.

The Killer's Edge (1991)

The Killer's Edge (1991)

Director: Joseph Merhi

Stars: Wings Hauser, Robert Z'Dar, Karen Black

I have something to confess...I love Robert Z'Dar. Ever since I first saw him in Soultaker (the MST3K version) I have been fascinated by this man. From everything I've read, he's an extremely nice man, which makes him even cooler to me. Sure he's not in the shape he used to be, but in all honesty, he's not a bad actor at all and should be doing character roles now. I'd cast him.

Wings Hauser on the other hand. I'm just not getting it. When was it decided to go with this guy as a leading man, even in direct to video productions? Not all that handsome, he comes off as a poor man's Gary Busey. Admittedly, this is the first Wings Hauser movie I've seen, but my recent VHS haul assures me that it won't be the last.

Jack Saxon (Hauser) is one of those Dirty Harry type cops dumbed down to action movie fans...which means that he kills everyone in sight. You'd think he'd get some prison time for that, but I guess it employs ambulance drivers and morgue attendants so he only gets yelled at and occasionally suspended. 

Saxon finds out that his old Vietnam buddy Miller (Z'Dar) is not a nice person, and have been counterfeiting millions of dollars. Oh and also challenging Saxon for the title of "killing the most people in a small area" title. Will Saxon take down his old pal who saved his life in 'Nam? Will Miller share the fake money with Saxon and they go off to Cabo together? And will Saxon's partner ever have the balls to fire a gun at someone? My money's on Cabo.

Six Things I've Learned From The Killer's Edge

1. One of the henchmen is named Tony, and I swear to God this man looks like Tony Curtis only with weird painted in eyebrows. Robert Blake in Lost Highway would have been creeped out by this guy.

2. Never let a fat naked guy in a massage parlor tell you to put down your gun. he will try to shoot you. You do not want to be known as the guy who got shot by the fat naked guy in the massage parlor. Fat naked guys will be coming out of the woodworks to get a piece of you.

3. In one scene, Saxon shows up at his fiance's place of work drunk as hell. What does she do? She teaches kids how to ice skate! I'm not sending my kid to be taught by some bimbo who let's Wings Hauser's drunken face slobber all over her! I did enjoy the comical bassoon music when El Drunko tried to get on the ice.

4. Here's a recipe for awesomeness...take one Robert Z'dar, add one (or two if you'd like) rocket launchers, throw in a pinch of maniacal laughter, mix it up and you got one hell of a villain. Fake Tony Curtis sold separately.

5. Karen Black plays someone from the FBI. I'm not sure what her rank is because she's never allowed to leave the one room she's in the whole movie. I wonder if that was the director's idea. Either he only had her for a day or two or he didn't want to run the insurance risk of letting Karen Black roam the city free. Millions of lives could have been lost.

6. I have to admit, as awful as this was, I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's fun to see Hauser "Busey" his way through a movie as a handsome action lead.  He may not be an Expendable, but for me, he sure is a Dependable.

For added fun, go read Wings' IMDb page. I'm sure whoever wrote his bio has NO connection to him whatsoever.

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

Director: David DeCoteau (under a pseudonym)

Stars: Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Eric Roberts' drunken voice

I don't care what anyone tells me, David DeCoteau may be the worst director working today.  It's disturbing to see someone flat out saying in their films "I don't give two fucks about this except for the money". Now there's nothing wrong with money, but show a little pride in your work, man!

My mini rant out of the way, I'll try to explain the plot here. For some unknown reason, Duffy the cat has shown up to get two families together. One family, a wealthy computer programmer with terrible hair and his son...the other, a shriveled up woman and her two annoying teenagers. Sounds pretty boring right?

But this cat can motherfucking TALK!

Of course he can only talk to a person once, which makes no sense whatsoever except to lower the already staggering special effects this film has. The talking cat mouth cost well over 400 grand.

I know this is a kid's movie, and it wasn't made for ME, but the only children that would get any enjoyment out of this are those in comas. 

Six Things I've Learned From A Talking Cat!?!

1.It's common practice for lower budgeted films to use celebrities that aren't used as often as they once were. This movie has one of the odder pairings in former child star Johnny Whitaker and former hottie porn star/actress Kristine DeBell. Don't get me wrong, they were fine (it's hard not to like Whitaker) but it made me think about other odd pairings I'd like to see. Maybe Erik Estrada and Pamela Sue Martin...or perhaps Jim Nabors and Traci Lords. Well GOOOOLLLYYY!

2. There is no human being with a working brain stem that can't tell that the guy playing Johnny Whitaker's son couldn't play a straight man even if Jerry Lewis was his partner.

3. Is there a reason why Eric Roberts sounds like he's doing his line readings over a cell phone? He slurs his lines so much that I got drunk listening to him.

4. These people are obsessed with cheese puffs. At one point, the movie gets centered around making cheese puffs. I thought about making a drinking game whenever anyone said "cheese puffs" (and it has to be at least 30 times) but then I realized that I'd have to watch this movie again. Let someone else suffer.

5. Why the fuck is there clown music playing over half this movie. Sure Vampire Cop had all sorts of inappropriate music, but this one has a real circus  theme going on. Next time I hear a slide whistle I'm going to burn a clown car. That's 60 clowns going down!

6. I know DeCoteau is gay, and I don't care about that. But at some point, you have to put aside your big gay fantasies of young men without their shirts on when it's a fucking children's movie. At least he didn't have them in tidy whiteys like he does in all his other films..and I do mean ALL his other films.

Vampire Cop (1990)

Vampire Cop (1990)

Director: Donald Farmer

Stars: Ed Cannon, Melissa Moore, Mal Arnold

There's too many bad movies with cop in the title. Sure you got Maniac Cop, but then on the other end you got Samurai Cop and Psycho Cop. Now I made myself watch Vampire Cop. If all these cops were in one precinct, I'd move to the other side of the country because you just know you're gonna get pulled over for speeding and end up missing a couple limbs.

So what I could gather from the threadbare plot, there's this drug dealin, prostitute shootin asshole named Hans Geiger (no, not the Geiger counter creator...he was in Psycho Cop 2) who is terrorizing the city somehow...not exactly sure how since the only people he kills at first are hookers and the world's worst undercover cop. But when Vampire Cop's hobo dressing partner is killed, it's personal...I think. He never seems too broken up over it.

Melissa Moore is the nosy TV reporter who wants to know what really happened when several scumbags are killed with bite marks on their necks. She does this by showing her tits...a lot. Oh and sleeping with a vampire.

I'm pretty sure the combined IQ of everyone in this film is potato. 

Six Things I've Learned From Vampire Cop

1. The opening theme song is awesome, but did it really need to go on for almost 10 minutes? There were so many people getting credit at the beginning of this film I thought I had stumbled into a Rent-A-Center promotional tape.

2. Young women normally stalk someone's house in slow motion while making perverted male wheezing sounds. If you find one, by all means invite it to mooch off of you at your home for a few days.

3. Lucas, the undead title character, is perhaps the most unsympathetic hero I've seen in several years. He murders a hooker for no reason, and whines about using his powers for good. I don't know about you, you Reb Brown knockoff, but biting the bad guys and turning them into the undead isn't exactly "helping".

4. If you have to have a henchman, always make sure you get one that has a distinguishing characteristic. The main henchman in this film enjoyed snacking constantly. Yours could perhaps knit menacingly or  tape over someone's wedding video.

5. There is a guy constantly in a bathtub in this film. I have no idea why he was in the bathtub, what his relationship is to the bad guys, or even why he was in the fucking movie to begin with!

6. If you are someone who has recently been bitten by a vampire and have in fact turned into one, your first choice of action is probably NOT running out of the house into the morning sun.Either this person is the stupidest vampire created, and thus needed to be immediately destroyed, or he became a reverse vampire. It's a certain breed of vampire that only does the opposite of what you ask it to do. If you tell it not to hurt you, then you might as well hand over your collection of Flock of Seagulls bobbleheads to that cousin who hates you right now. If you tell a reverse vampire to not go outside, watch that sumbitch run on out there and get the worse sunburn ever.

Savage Vows (1994)

Savage Vows (1994)

Director: Robert Dennis

Stars: Kelly Ashton, Armond Sposto,, Mark Polonia

We start off Awful Movie Month with the twin terrors of no budget cinema, the Polonia Brothers. Best known for Splatter Farm and Feeders, my dumb ass decided to start things off with one of their lesser known "films".

From what I could tell due to the subpar audio, some guy is upset because his wife is dead, so all his moronic buddies show up to bum off him. They make him grill food, force him to watch horror movies, and then hit him up for money! At that point, I wanted him to be the killer just so he'd have a few less hot dogs to put on the grill for these moochers.

Someone's POVing around killing these yokels, and because it's happy you're even watching it, the movie brings in a couple more people to get mutilated...although looking at these people, it might be an improvement.

 This film rivals Death Nurse in the amount of the cast that is ugly. Death Nurse is at 100%...Savage Vows is only at 98%.

Six Things I've Learned From Savage Vows 

1. Love the wildly inappropriate music that randomly plays throughout this film. It seems like all genres were represented here. I was particularly fond of the one that sounded like it should be playing on the loudspeakers at the mall. Very scary stuff.

2. Everyone drives back from the funeral. Later on one of the characters gets so upset she runs out of the house and ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CEMETERY! Either she's a fucking olympic sprinter or those were some lazy assholes.

3. The audio in this is beyond atrocious. You either can't hear a damn thing they are saying or you hear it in some weird echo chamber. Not that what they had to say was important...or acted very well, but it would have been nice to know WHAT was said.

4. Mark Polonia has what is commonly known as a bad high school mustache. But that man is so fucking proud of it, he puts it on full display in this film. Mark Polonia's Wild Mustache Ride is one ride with no waiting time...or people in line.

5. I must admit that I had a bit of glee in me watching some crazy gibberish spouting homeless man get stabbed literally a hundred times with one of those fake retractable knives you see in halloween shops. Not so much when his manlike female companion got a painfully obvious plastic meat cleaver in the back.

6. This movie is already short enough at 71 minutes, but they had to actually pad this pile of Mickey Rooney's meat morsels by having the killer do what I can only guess is a real estate tour of the house. "And over here is where I plan to stab you with an arrow I got out of one of those toy bow and arrows sets at the Woolworths. And this here is a perfect spot to decapitate your loved ones!"

 

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die - The Top 5!

Here we are, the top five that I personally feel deserve the fates that God (and the screenwriters) gave to them. 

#5 - Mr. Alphonso The Creepy Fat Pedo from Alice Sweet Alice

This movie disturbs me. Maybe it's the rare sight of seeing a kid get killed in a horror film. maybe it's the sister of the dead kid, whom while actually over 18, would probably illicit the fantasies of many a sick child lovin bastard. 

Nah, it's Mr. Alphonso.

Looking an awful lot like a cross between Divine minus the makeup and Grimice from McDonalds, he just comes off as seriously unsettling. Having him surrounded by cute kittens doesn't help either.

#4 - TJ and Leelee (Really?) from Killer Nerd

You have to give me a moment here...I JUST found out that one of the character's names is Leelee. The hell kind of name is that!?

Okay, I'm better now. 

These two thugs harass and beat up our hero Harold Kunkle for no reason other than he's what the uncouth may call a "nerd". I see nothing wrong with being a nerd, but I do find something wrong with beating the shit out of a defenseless guy and making him refer to himself as a sissy boy. Harold agrees because he snaps and starts killing off everyone who has been mean to him...and I applaud it every step of the way.

Now mind you, I'm not advocating murder (despite making a list advocating that very thing), but sometimes a movie just has to tell the little guy that yeah, you can also strap sticks of dynamite to your enemies' heads and make em explode! 

God bless you Harold Kunkle.

#3 - That Bitchy Chris Hargensen from Carrie

I'm not talking about the remake...I feel they should only remake awful movies and try to get them right. Manos remake anyone? 

No, I'm talking about the 1976 classic. Chris and her group of bitchy mcbitches like to torment poor Carrie because she's naive and her mom is a raving religious nutjob. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine was fighting back against this asshole in high school who was already balding and telling him to meet me after school for a fight. He never showed. Yay me! For Carrie, it was when Chris and the dreamy John Travolta dump pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. Instead of fighting against male pattern baldness man like I did, she used her kinetic powers to murder everyone.

Is it overkill? Perhaps. But hey, they deserved it. I got issues, man.

Top 15 Horror characters That Deserve To Die #3... by alabastertnt

#2 - The Criminally Unfunny Howard from My Bloody Valentine

Well, here's the second My Bloody Valentine character that I felt needed to be on this list. I originally had him at number one, but he just wasn't as worthy as my real number one. 

Howard's the guy you have in your group that tries to be goofy and funny, but comes off as sad and pathetic. It's no shock that this type of character (see previous entry Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3) is always single. They think doing things like faking being killed and causing old ladies to nearly have heart attacks is a hoot. 

He also shows his true colors when the kids are in the mines and find out Harry Warden's on the loose down there. Does he stay and help protect the wimmin folk? Nope, the little bitch runs off into the darkness. He's not seen again until the group (or what's left of them) tries to climb the longest ladder in history to escape. Even then he's just..."hanging around".

Oh God, I may be this very cliche! HELP!

#1 - Kendall's Penis from Pieces

Now I'm aware that it may be a radical idea to put someone's anatomy at the top of a list of horror characters, but it makes sense. Let me explain.

Kendall is a man whore. With his nerdy grandpa sweaters, to his white man's afro, and his inability to fight worth a shit, it's easy to see why the ladies flock to him. But you see, Kendall is ruled by his penis (who does make an appearance in this film). Hopping around sticking himself in places he knows he won't commit to...that penis has broken a lot of hearts on campus.

The killer in Pieces was killing off lovely coeds for body parts in order to make himself a patchwork date. It stands to reason that some of the poor victims had also been victims to Kendall's raging hard on. So when Kendall reaches over to grab his coat, it's like his penis is taunting the pieces of his former conquests by waving himself in their "faces" so to speak. They react in the manner you'll see in this clip. Hell hath no fury like a dead woman puzzle scorned.

That's it for the countdown this year! I like to thank all of you for reading, suggesting, and being downright pleasant. I'm giving you all a treat next month as I have declared November as Awful Movie Month. 30 days of me torturing myself for your amusement! Happy Halloween!

VHSapalooza: The Return!

Thought I'd put some more of our recent purchases up. Actually these were FREE since sadly the place we went for VHS tapes had a bad fire. The owner wanted us to take as many as we wanted for free because of the space. They plan on rebuilding...hopefully with more tapes.

As before, bonus shots will be up on our Facebook page and our Twitter page. So Like or Follow us to see em!

Here's one for your crayons and your pencils!

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #10 - #6

As usual, I found myself running out of time when doing a Halloween list, so we'll split the top ten into two posts. Let's get with the killings!

#10 - Overgrown Fat Man-Child Walter from Memorial Valley Massacre

I don't know about you guys, but if there was a huge line of people waiting to go camping and I was in it, I would look over my priorities to see where I went horribly wrong. Have to be honest, I haven't even seen the whole movie but this one character immediately stood out in a cast filled with repugnant people.

Fat Man-Child Walter wants to fuck up the eco system by riding his shitty 3 wheeler around the forrest. the "good guys" takes his keys and doing his best Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure impression, tries to get mommy and daddy to get em back...to no avail. So what does he do? Why he breaks in and steals the keys back (also stealing a gold watch as well)! 

So Fat Man-Child Walter is driving along, ruining picnics and basically being a fat bastard when he seemingly scares a fucking caveman. Yup, a caveman. The caveman is either pissed off or scared (can't tell with the billy bob teeth in) and he helps the audience by taking the fat fuck out.

Quick question...why do movies insist on making these obese characters wear the shortest of shorts? Who jerking off to that?

#9 - Richard Vickers from Creepshow

It takes a hell of an actor to make me want to root FOR Ted Danson, but Leslie Nielsen did it. I admit that finding out your wife is sleeping around will piss you off, and you have every right to beat the hell out of the guy who is boning her, but Vickers here takes it too far with the sadistic (yet imaginative) burying them up to their necks in the sand while they drown deaths. Of course being Creepshow, he couldn't just get away with such dastardly actions. The undead aquatic couple return and give ol' Vickers a taste of his own medicine.

I don't care for anthologies, but Creepshow is one of the best, and this one may be my favorite of the five stories. Nielsen was such an underrated actor because of his later comedy roles, but man he could play a mean asshole.

                              

#8 - Happy the Bartender from My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine is my favorite Canadian slasher film. Hands down. It's also the only movie that makes it on this list twice. Let's view the lesser of two annoying dickheads.

Happy the Bartender is just a miserable fuck. I'm sure Happy's not his real name, most likely one of those nicknames that people give to other people that mean the exact opposite. That means I'd be calling the guy at #10 on the list Slim.

Happy warns the kids about Harry Warden, but they're in their late teens - early twenties and think they know it all, so they laugh him off. Happy ain't happy no more. So Happy decides to play a prank on the young horny miners (as opposed to minors). He's waaaay too proud of his lame gag of "Harry Warden" popping out of the door, because he tests the prank over and over, giggling like a japanese schoolgirl selling her panties to an overweight balding 40 something businessman. He starts walking away but has to open the door ONE MORE TIME...and dies. Now you'll never know how the joke went, asshole.

I'm showing the uncut death because Happy deserves it.

#7 - Maddy from Blood Rage

I REALLY don't like Louise Lasser. I think she's a real nutbag. Tha being said, I also think she's a good actress when she wants to be. This movie shows off her skills of playing an insane woman who has two sons, one a psychopathic killer, and the other in the nuthouse because of his psycho twin.

All through the movie, she wallows around, drinking, sitting on the floor and eating out of the fridge (and who hasn't done that?) and despite evidence to the contrary, still thinks the wrong one is the "good son". 

The ending of the movie is that Maddy kills the evil son by shooting him a number of times. She then consoles the good son and tells him she's the reason she's living. Well surprise surprise, she shot her favorite (the evil one), so the old nutbag puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger, making it the only good thing that's gone into her brain. Lord knows I've wanted to do that watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

#6 - Tim from Trick or Treat

I hate me some high school bullies. I had a fat dumbass redneck who used to torture me in high school by calling me gay (he used a much more offensive word) because my best friend was male. Seriously, that's how stupid he was (probably still is). So there's a bit of pleasure I get from seeing the school bully get what's coming to him....and boy does our #6 get it.

Tim is the popular jock. His main studies seem to be to pick on the heavy metal kid Eddie. Side note: I was also one of those headbanging kids, just not into leather. Made my ass look big. 

So what puts Tim onto this list is because of what he does at a pool party. Eddie shows up because a pretty girl asks him to go. Not trying to set him up, she's just a nice person. But she's late so when Eddie shows up, there's Tim and his towel to ass buddies, who decide to make Eddie leave. Before Eddie is dragged out, Tim puts a weight in Eddie's backpack and throws him into the pool. 

I don't care if it was the 80's, that's some attempted murder shit right there.

So Eddie gets a little revenge when a tape he made melts helf the face of Tim's girl. Tim wisely tells Eddie to leave him the fuck alone. If he had kept to that, he would have been the only smart bully I've seen in a film. But he's not. After shit goes down and Sammi Curr's ghost starts killing off the kids at a dance, Eddie tries to stop Sammi. Spotting Tim in the hallway, he tries to get Tim to leave because of the danger, only to get pushed down. That's when Sammi strikes and for lack of a descriptive term, electrocutes Tim until his head explodes.

I've been  doing the backwards masking bit to raise a dead rock star to take out my childhood bully, but the only person I seem to get is Tiny Tim. And he won't leave.