Saturday, November 30, 2013

Satan Hates You (2010)

Satan Hates You (2010)
Director: James Felix McKenney
Stars: Don Wood, Christine Spencer, Angus Scrimm

As a child, we didn't have a whole lot of money. Trips to restaurants were considered a special occasion, and trips to the theater were usually out of the question. Except one place...

Bowling Green had a free christian drive in.

It's long gone now, as are most drive in sadly, but this was a place my family would take us when we would whine about going to movies. It's not that they were religious fanatics or was just a way to get us out of the house for a few hours. They never realized that they were pushing me towards christian scare films.

Christian scare films are those they show the danger of leading an immoral life. They still exist today in the form of Left Behind and The Omega Code movies, but it's a hell of a lot tamer. The ones we were shown were such classicks as A Thief in the Night and my personal nightmare fuel, The Burning Hell. My parents meant well, but look at this and tell me this would make a person sane.

Anyway, this films parodies these types of films (along with Jack Chick tracts...I'll save that for another time). Marc and  Wendy are two people jetpacking on the road to hell. Wendy, with her random sex and constant drug use, and Marc with his lust for men and his bad habit of killing people. 

A couple of demons are watching their progress, making sure they do all the wrong things along the way, even though forces are working against them in the awesome form of Angus Scrimm and Debbie Rochon. I don't wanna spoil it, but God wins.

Michael Berryman is adorable. Why haven't they come out with Berryman plushies is beyond me.

Six Things I've Learned from Satan Hates You

1. If the ugly lesbian wants to play on the Ouija board and call up Satan, be sure that you put your soul someplace in a mason jar or perhaps one of those mini safes that you have to have a combination for. Oh and don't do coke.

2. Abortion clinics must take place in what looks to be the sewers. I heard the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had to move because of all the screaming.

3. Angus Scrimm continues to be the coolest guy in movies. Evil alien or gentle soul saver, he knocks it out of the park every time.

4. I watched one of the director's other movies, The Off Season, before watching this. The Off Season was ho-hum, but this one was just great. Both films have the same cast, but while I hated Don Wood's work in Off Season, I loved his nutso character here. If you have to watch one movie with the same cast, pick Satan Hates You.

5. Don't pick a fight with Reggie Bannister. You'll lose. Every damn time.

6. People on IMDb are a bunch of fucking morons. I seriously wonder how anyone with a working brain stem can take this movie seriously. I get not knowing Jack Chick tracts, but this movie is beyond over the top that lobotomy patients would know what this is. I somehow blame Seltzer and Friedberg for dumbing down people enough that they have to be spoonfed jokes like they're a bunch of drooling babies. I have an idea for a's call The Kick Seltzer and Friedberg In The Nuts Until They Come Out of Their Mouths Movie. I'm sure it'd get a higher Rotten Tomato Rating.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

My Thanksgiving Gift to You - VHS Trailers!

It's Thanksgiving, and I'm thankful for the 12 people that read my site, so I teamed up with the great Seven Doors of Cinema site to bring you not one but TWO gifts...

VHS trailers!

I finally got the means to pull our great VHS collection into the digital age, so of course I use it to rip those trailers at the beginning of our craptastic collection of B movies. 

AIP? We got it.

PM Entertainment? You can have it at night or in the morning!

Vestron? That V is flying into your living room...hide the breakables and children.

 We grabbed a random group of tapes, ripped the trailers, and split them up in two 45 minute installments. WARNING: there are Anna Nicole Smith boobs, terrible actor, and a Wings Hauser sighting.

So sit back, relax and enjoy an hour and a half of cinematic turkeys!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Skatetown U.S.A. (1979)

Skatetown U.S.A (1979)
Director: William A. Levey
Stars: Patrick Swayze, Flip Wilson, Maureen McCormick

In the late 70's everyone and their grandmother were putting out roller skating films due to Xanadu. Had they known how badly it would bomb, they would have went with orangutan movies instead. Besides Xanadu, we had Roller Boogie, starring the still young but big tittied Linda Blair, and this mish mash of crap.But what do you expect from the guy who brings you Blackenstein and Wham! Bam! Thank You Spaceman?

I like ensemble movies, the ones where everything happens in a single day/night and involves multiple characters in different subplots, but this one just doesn't do it very well. Characters you think are important disappear for half the movie, while we're stuck watching morons like the doctor who thinks he's in Nam for what seems like hours at a time.

Flip Wilson and his dad Billy Barty (yes, the famous white little person) run Skatetown U.S.A, which is so huge it might as well be it's own actual town. There's a big skating contest and Stan from the valley plans to win it with help from his manager Chachi and his sister Marsha Brady. Standing in their way is a gang led by that dreamy dastardly Ace (Swayze in his first role).Ace never loses, not only due to his mad skills, but also because his buddy Horshack sabotages the competition.

In other asinine subplots, Flip Wilson dresses in drag as his mom, the aforementioned doctor who thinks he's in simulated 'Nam, a chick with an awesome rack being told jokes for an hour by some geriatric pervert while waiting for pizza, and Murray Langston basically being an annoying douchebag. I think I saw Ruth Buzzi in there too. 

Six Things I've Learned From Skatetown U.S.A

1. Dress him in leather, grow a beard, make him act crazy, but nobody is going to believe Ron Palillo is a mean gang thug. EVER.

2. We are cursed to have an appearance by the Unknown Comic in this film. I fully believe this is the reason that this movie has never been released on VHS or DVD (I saw it on youtube). They were trying to spare you his unfunny act!

3. The DJ in this movie not only has Gary Spivey hair (look him up), but can shoot bolts out of his hands and make terrible skating troupes appear. He's suppose to be the guy that's hip and cool, but I kept thinking that the living mr. microphone was going to electrocute himself shooting out sparks willy nilly. Bet he stole his power from KISS after they met the Phantom of the Park,

4. When I think of fun sexy teen skating disco films, I think of Dave Mason.

5. You'd think seeing Maureen McCormick wear a tube top and hot pants would do things to your "lil skating partner" but oddly it just isn't all that flattering. Damn you tube tops!

6. I fully think they were recruiting a new Village People type band. In the skate contest, you had Swayze as the gay Warrior (gang member), there was a guy dressed like Uncle Sam, someone dressed like a bullfighter or bandit or something, and Stan, who decides to be the gay Zorro after putting on a mask. This of course not at all hiding the fact that the guy playing Stan couldn't do the moves gay Zorro could. They even play Macho Man during fake Stan's routine!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Beasties (1991)

Beasties (1991)
Director: Steven Paul Contreras
Stars: Eric C. Bushman, Denise Mora, James Jeffries

I hate when movies try to advertise themselves as the worst movie ever. The Golden Turkey jackasses tried to do it with Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's not...not by a long shot. The director of Beasties tried to call his film the worst movie ever a few years back and of course he's wrong as well. I've already seen the worst movie ever in Alien Beasts, and I still have some David "The Rock" Nelson movies to review. I know it's some marketing ploy, but you can take Troll 2, and Birdemic, and shove em up your asses. They aren't the worst movies ever...they're just unwatchable crap.

This convoluted mess is about some nerd who finds a spaceship, so of course in the name of being "friendly" he steals one of the ship's eggs. Yes, because being a thief will show the evil hand puppets you're a good guy. 

So he and his big haired girlfriend show up at this other chick's house. Now she had been fighting off a beastie after she and her body double took a shower. They work together something while other characters come and go comically. 

There's also a punk gang lead by Hammerhead who all worship this Skeletor wannabe named Osires. He likes to surround himself with rejected GLOW wrestlers and make them fight to the death. Oh and Hammerhead's old lady really does look like an old lady, with her crow's feet and her giant Cher hair.

This movie jumps from scene to scene without making a bit of sense. Then at the end, our hero stands in front of the main alien and delivers a 10 minute exposition on what's going on. And I STILL couldn't make any sense out of it.

Oh well, at least it's entertaining in a goofy way. Not the worst movie ever.

Six Things I've Learned From Beasties

1. Every group of punks need their own giant fat hairy guy. It's punk union rules.

2. The "beasties" themselves are perhaps the coolest looking hand puppets ever to show up on super 8. They reminded me of a cross between two toys from the 80's, Boglins and the insect vehicles of the Sectaurs. I want one of my own!

3. When the soundtrack started playing that fake tuba fat guy/nerd music, I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a fat (for 1991) nerdy guy pulls up in his car. I know my fat/nerd music...mainly because the guy making it won't stop following me around. It hurts.

4. There's very little of the beasties in question in this film. The main villains are this inept group of punks that basically annoy people and have ugly amazonian chick fights. The title of this should have been "Annoying Assholes With Bad Hair".

5. I'm very impressed with the suppose main villain's batting helmet made from some poor schmuck's skull. I was less impressed when he drank blood and became a minor league version of a member of GWAR.

6. So the big twist in this film is that the alien ship that has landed is in fact, our nerdy hero from the future after performing stupid experiments on himself. So basically our hero is making his girlfriend go up inside him (a future him, yes, but him nonetheless). Geez pal, you should start out a couple fingers deep first. Perv.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)
Director: Carl J. Sukenick
Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Santa Claws (1996)

Santa Claws (1996)
Director: John A. Russo
Stars: Debbie Rochon, Grant Cramer, John Mowod

I know I know, it's too early for Christmas movies, but I gotta be honest here...if I reviewed this at Christmastime, I'd get depressed. That's why this gets an entry in the Awful Movie Month festivities.

This movie  has such a bare plot, that it would have to be sold in a plastic wrapper to people over the age of eighteen. Kid kills his 50 year old stripper mom and gross uncle in bed because he has dead daddy issues. In present time the now grown up kid has moved his obsession to what I assume is his neighbor, a scream queen (Rochon). He wants her for himself so he plots to kill her film coworkers, her cheating mulleted husband, and anyone else that gets in his way. 

And how does he kill these people? By dressing up as an awful movie character (the title of this crap) and stabbing them with a small rake. Yes, a fucking gardening tool. Not a cool one like a shovel or gardening shears...but a fucking tiny rake.

I had no expectations going into this, and came out with less. I'm not even sure how that's possible.

Six Things I've Learned From Santa Claws

1. The photographer husband has one of the best mullets I've ever seen. I hope he's doing a Joey Buttafucco one man show "Amy Fisher and Me".

2. This movie is a big advertisment for Scream Queens Illustrated, a magazine that had low level scream queens (mixed with REAL scream queens like Rochon, Brinke Stevens, and Linnea Quigley) doing badly shot playboy style nude layouts. I'm not even sure some of these women could scream, considering a lot of them I never saw in any movie whatsoever, much less one where screaming was required.  And trust me, considering the crap I watch for this site, I would have seen SOME of them.

3. where the fuck is the gore in this movie! When we have someone who helped create one of the goriest subgenre of horror films at the helm, I expect a little more. I'm not talking about jump roping with intestines, but sure as fuck more than putting small gobs of red nail polish on someone's fucking face and body! That's all there is!  Rake wound? little red nail polish. Gunshot to the face? A little dab will do ya.

4. I really enjoyed that they went from a nude posing/awkward dancing scene immediately into a nude shower scene with the same actress. I was hoping they would then cut to a nude driving scene and then to a nude eating cold leftovers on the couch watching an episode of Tales From the Darkside scene.

5. Apparently, putting sleeping pills in the drinks of the kids you are babysitting is a BAD idea. But hey, how else are you going to go out and kill people with two brats running around asking where the bathroom is!? "I'm busy putting nail polish on this woman's fake jugs, go piss in that trashcan!"

6. The fuck happened to you Russo!? Sure your movies weren't as well recieved as George Romero's but the Majorettes was cheesy fun at least. The only good thing about this film was Debbie Rochon (and that nutty killer guy as well). And to make it worse, you dragged Bill Hinzman into this! I'm convinced this was just an excuse for you and Billy Boy to stand around and watch women take their clothes off. If you at least admitted THAT I would understand. Would have picked better models (again, except Rochon) but hey, if big fake titties are your bag, jump on in!

John, I am disappoint.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Killer's Edge (1991)

The Killer's Edge (1991)
Director: Joseph Merhi
Stars: Wings Hauser, Robert Z'Dar, Karen Black

I have something to confess...I love Robert Z'Dar. Ever since I first saw him in Soultaker (the MST3K version) I have been fascinated by this man. From everything I've read, he's an extremely nice man, which makes him even cooler to me. Sure he's not in the shape he used to be, but in all honesty, he's not a bad actor at all and should be doing character roles now. I'd cast him.

Wings Hauser on the other hand. I'm just not getting it. When was it decided to go with this guy as a leading man, even in direct to video productions? Not all that handsome, he comes off as a poor man's Gary Busey. Admittedly, this is the first Wings Hauser movie I've seen, but my recent VHS haul assures me that it won't be the last.

Jack Saxon (Hauser) is one of those Dirty Harry type cops dumbed down to action movie fans...which means that he kills everyone in sight. You'd think he'd get some prison time for that, but I guess it employs ambulance drivers and morgue attendants so he only gets yelled at and occasionally suspended. 

Saxon finds out that his old Vietnam buddy Miller (Z'Dar) is not a nice person, and have been counterfeiting millions of dollars. Oh and also challenging Saxon for the title of "killing the most people in a small area" title. Will Saxon take down his old pal who saved his life in 'Nam? Will Miller share the fake money with Saxon and they go off to Cabo together? And will Saxon's partner ever have the balls to fire a gun at someone? My money's on Cabo.

Six Things I've Learned From The Killer's Edge

1. One of the henchmen is named Tony, and I swear to God this man looks like Tony Curtis only with weird painted in eyebrows. Robert Blake in Lost Highway would have been creeped out by this guy.

2. Never let a fat naked guy in a massage parlor tell you to put down your gun. he will try to shoot you. You do not want to be known as the guy who got shot by the fat naked guy in the massage parlor. Fat naked guys will be coming out of the woodworks to get a piece of you.

3. In one scene, Saxon shows up at his fiance's place of work drunk as hell. What does she do? She teaches kids how to ice skate! I'm not sending my kid to be taught by some bimbo who let's Wings Hauser's drunken face slobber all over her! I did enjoy the comical bassoon music when El Drunko tried to get on the ice.

4. Here's a recipe for awesomeness...take one Robert Z'dar, add one (or two if you'd like) rocket launchers, throw in a pinch of maniacal laughter, mix it up and you got one hell of a villain. Fake Tony Curtis sold separately.

5. Karen Black plays someone from the FBI. I'm not sure what her rank is because she's never allowed to leave the one room she's in the whole movie. I wonder if that was the director's idea. Either he only had her for a day or two or he didn't want to run the insurance risk of letting Karen Black roam the city free. Millions of lives could have been lost.

6. I have to admit, as awful as this was, I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's fun to see Hauser "Busey" his way through a movie as a handsome action lead.  He may not be an Expendable, but for me, he sure is a Dependable.

For added fun, go read Wings' IMDb page. I'm sure whoever wrote his bio has NO connection to him whatsoever.

Friday, November 8, 2013

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
Director: David DeCoteau (under a pseudonym)
Stars: Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Eric Roberts' drunken voice

I don't care what anyone tells me, David DeCoteau may be the worst director working today.  It's disturbing to see someone flat out saying in their films "I don't give two fucks about this except for the money". Now there's nothing wrong with money, but show a little pride in your work, man!

My mini rant out of the way, I'll try to explain the plot here. For some unknown reason, Duffy the cat has shown up to get two families together. One family, a wealthy computer programmer with terrible hair and his son...the other, a shriveled up woman and her two annoying teenagers. Sounds pretty boring right?

But this cat can motherfucking TALK!

Of course he can only talk to a person once, which makes no sense whatsoever except to lower the already staggering special effects this film has. The talking cat mouth cost well over 400 grand.

I know this is a kid's movie, and it wasn't made for ME, but the only children that would get any enjoyment out of this are those in comas. 

Six Things I've Learned From A Talking Cat!?!

1.It's common practice for lower budgeted films to use celebrities that aren't used as often as they once were. This movie has one of the odder pairings in former child star Johnny Whitaker and former hottie porn star/actress Kristine DeBell. Don't get me wrong, they were fine (it's hard not to like Whitaker) but it made me think about other odd pairings I'd like to see. Maybe Erik Estrada and Pamela Sue Martin...or perhaps Jim Nabors and Traci Lords. Well GOOOOLLLYYY!

2. There is no human being with a working brain stem that can't tell that the guy playing Johnny Whitaker's son couldn't play a straight man even if Jerry Lewis was his partner.

3. Is there a reason why Eric Roberts sounds like he's doing his line readings over a cell phone? He slurs his lines so much that I got drunk listening to him.

4. These people are obsessed with cheese puffs. At one point, the movie gets centered around making cheese puffs. I thought about making a drinking game whenever anyone said "cheese puffs" (and it has to be at least 30 times) but then I realized that I'd have to watch this movie again. Let someone else suffer.

5. Why the fuck is there clown music playing over half this movie. Sure Vampire Cop had all sorts of inappropriate music, but this one has a real circus  theme going on. Next time I hear a slide whistle I'm going to burn a clown car. That's 60 clowns going down!

6. I know DeCoteau is gay, and I don't care about that. But at some point, you have to put aside your big gay fantasies of young men without their shirts on when it's a fucking children's movie. At least he didn't have them in tidy whiteys like he does in all his other films..and I do mean ALL his other films.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Vampire Cop (1990)

Vampire Cop (1990)
Director: Donald Farmer
Stars: Ed Cannon, Melissa Moore, Mal Arnold

There's too many bad movies with cop in the title. Sure you got Maniac Cop, but then on the other end you got Samurai Cop and Psycho Cop. Now I made myself watch Vampire Cop. If all these cops were in one precinct, I'd move to the other side of the country because you just know you're gonna get pulled over for speeding and end up missing a couple limbs.

So what I could gather from the threadbare plot, there's this drug dealin, prostitute shootin asshole named Hans Geiger (no, not the Geiger counter creator...he was in Psycho Cop 2) who is terrorizing the city somehow...not exactly sure how since the only people he kills at first are hookers and the world's worst undercover cop. But when Vampire Cop's hobo dressing partner is killed, it's personal...I think. He never seems too broken up over it.

Melissa Moore is the nosy TV reporter who wants to know what really happened when several scumbags are killed with bite marks on their necks. She does this by showing her tits...a lot. Oh and sleeping with a vampire.

I'm pretty sure the combined IQ of everyone in this film is potato. 

Six Things I've Learned From Vampire Cop

1. The opening theme song is awesome, but did it really need to go on for almost 10 minutes? There were so many people getting credit at the beginning of this film I thought I had stumbled into a Rent-A-Center promotional tape.

2. Young women normally stalk someone's house in slow motion while making perverted male wheezing sounds. If you find one, by all means invite it to mooch off of you at your home for a few days.

3. Lucas, the undead title character, is perhaps the most unsympathetic hero I've seen in several years. He murders a hooker for no reason, and whines about using his powers for good. I don't know about you, you Reb Brown knockoff, but biting the bad guys and turning them into the undead isn't exactly "helping".

4. If you have to have a henchman, always make sure you get one that has a distinguishing characteristic. The main henchman in this film enjoyed snacking constantly. Yours could perhaps knit menacingly or  tape over someone's wedding video.

5. There is a guy constantly in a bathtub in this film. I have no idea why he was in the bathtub, what his relationship is to the bad guys, or even why he was in the fucking movie to begin with!

6. If you are someone who has recently been bitten by a vampire and have in fact turned into one, your first choice of action is probably NOT running out of the house into the morning sun.Either this person is the stupidest vampire created, and thus needed to be immediately destroyed, or he became a reverse vampire. It's a certain breed of vampire that only does the opposite of what you ask it to do. If you tell it not to hurt you, then you might as well hand over your collection of Flock of Seagulls bobbleheads to that cousin who hates you right now. If you tell a reverse vampire to not go outside, watch that sumbitch run on out there and get the worse sunburn ever.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Savage Vows (1994)

Savage Vows (1994)
Director: Robert Dennis
Stars: Kelly Ashton, Armond Sposto,, Mark Polonia

We start off Awful Movie Month with the twin terrors of no budget cinema, the Polonia Brothers. Best known for Splatter Farm and Feeders, my dumb ass decided to start things off with one of their lesser known "films".

From what I could tell due to the subpar audio, some guy is upset because his wife is dead, so all his moronic buddies show up to bum off him. They make him grill food, force him to watch horror movies, and then hit him up for money! At that point, I wanted him to be the killer just so he'd have a few less hot dogs to put on the grill for these moochers.

Someone's POVing around killing these yokels, and because it's happy you're even watching it, the movie brings in a couple more people to get mutilated...although looking at these people, it might be an improvement.

 This film rivals Death Nurse in the amount of the cast that is ugly. Death Nurse is at 100%...Savage Vows is only at 98%.

Six Things I've Learned From Savage Vows 

1. Love the wildly inappropriate music that randomly plays throughout this film. It seems like all genres were represented here. I was particularly fond of the one that sounded like it should be playing on the loudspeakers at the mall. Very scary stuff.

2. Everyone drives back from the funeral. Later on one of the characters gets so upset she runs out of the house and ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CEMETERY! Either she's a fucking olympic sprinter or those were some lazy assholes.

3. The audio in this is beyond atrocious. You either can't hear a damn thing they are saying or you hear it in some weird echo chamber. Not that what they had to say was important...or acted very well, but it would have been nice to know WHAT was said.

4. Mark Polonia has what is commonly known as a bad high school mustache. But that man is so fucking proud of it, he puts it on full display in this film. Mark Polonia's Wild Mustache Ride is one ride with no waiting time...or people in line.

5. I must admit that I had a bit of glee in me watching some crazy gibberish spouting homeless man get stabbed literally a hundred times with one of those fake retractable knives you see in halloween shops. Not so much when his manlike female companion got a painfully obvious plastic meat cleaver in the back.

6. This movie is already short enough at 71 minutes, but they had to actually pad this pile of Mickey Rooney's meat morsels by having the killer do what I can only guess is a real estate tour of the house. "And over here is where I plan to stab you with an arrow I got out of one of those toy bow and arrows sets at the Woolworths. And this here is a perfect spot to decapitate your loved ones!"