Sunday, December 1, 2013

Iced (1988)

Iced (1988)
Director:  Jeff Kwitny
Stars: Lisa Loring, Debra De Liso, Doug Stevenson

Jeff, who is head over heels in love with some girl ends up dying in a skiing accident. Four or five years later, the girl, her husband and their friends all show up at this cabin to reunite. But wait! Somebody is killing off these fine folks! Has the deceased Jeff returned...or has somebody else decided to take revenge for him? I think you can figure it out on your own.

This isn't a bad movie by any stretch, just one riddled with plotholes. After Eddie, the Freddy Mercury lookalike is killed, he calls his girlfriend Jeanette (Lisa Loring) and tells her he's with Jeff, who is of course dead. Maybe it's a tiny spoiler, but the killer is IN the same room so how did they pull this off and who was doing Eddie's voice? Don't bother finding out cause it's never explained.

It's a typical slasher film with some real unlikable characters. It's nothing groundbreaking, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Plus, hey, at least I got to see Wednesday Addams all grown up and nude in a hot tub. Had to overlook the big hair, but otherwise that was quite enjoyable for me. Thumbs up.

Six Things I've Learned from Iced 

1. The final girl here has a terrible disorder. Whenever she steps foot into a kitchen, she is compelled to do exercises. She does cook a mean steak in the rec room though.

2. If you want to impress a girl, skiing off a small cliff chest first into some rocks might make a better plan B.

3. If you must do cocaine, it's always best to do it buck ass naked.

4. There is very little gore in this movie, but at least the killer is creative with his methods. Icicles, the old heater in a hot tub and a ski in neckonomy are all in his bag of tricks.

5. It's bad manners to make out with your realtor in front of your friends. Wait until at least three of your friends have left the room first.

6. The twist within a twist is perhaps one of the most laughably insane things I've seen. After the killer is dispatched (won't reveal who it is, but it ain't hard to figure out) we cut to "five years later". Our happy final couple are enjoying some time in the woods with their two children building the worst snowman I've ever seen. Trina, our final girl, puts on the last coal eye, which then starts to bleed. Then suddenly, our killer bursts out of the snowman. Five years later. After getting shot in the face. Hiding in some kids' shitty snowman. That is one dedicated killer.

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