Beasties (1991)

Beasties (1991)

Director: Steven Paul Contreras

Stars: Eric C. Bushman, Denise Mora, James Jeffries

I hate when movies try to advertise themselves as the worst movie ever. The Golden Turkey jackasses tried to do it with Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's not...not by a long shot. The director of Beasties tried to call his film the worst movie ever a few years back and of course he's wrong as well. I've already seen the worst movie ever in Alien Beasts, and I still have some David "The Rock" Nelson movies to review. I know it's some marketing ploy, but you can take Troll 2, and Birdemic, and shove em up your asses. They aren't the worst movies ever...they're just unwatchable crap.

This convoluted mess is about some nerd who finds a spaceship, so of course in the name of being "friendly" he steals one of the ship's eggs. Yes, because being a thief will show the evil hand puppets you're a good guy. 

So he and his big haired girlfriend show up at this other chick's house. Now she had been fighting off a beastie after she and her body double took a shower. They work together to..do something while other characters come and go comically. 

There's also a punk gang lead by Hammerhead who all worship this Skeletor wannabe named Osires. He likes to surround himself with rejected GLOW wrestlers and make them fight to the death. Oh and Hammerhead's old lady really does look like an old lady, with her crow's feet and her giant Cher hair.

This movie jumps from scene to scene without making a bit of sense. Then at the end, our hero stands in front of the main alien and delivers a 10 minute exposition on what's going on. And I STILL couldn't make any sense out of it.

Oh well, at least it's entertaining in a goofy way. Not the worst movie ever.

Six Things I've Learned From Beasties

1. Every group of punks need their own giant fat hairy guy. It's punk union rules.

2. The "beasties" themselves are perhaps the coolest looking hand puppets ever to show up on super 8. They reminded me of a cross between two toys from the 80's, Boglins and the insect vehicles of the Sectaurs. I want one of my own!

3. When the soundtrack started playing that fake tuba fat guy/nerd music, I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a fat (for 1991) nerdy guy pulls up in his car. I know my fat/nerd music...mainly because the guy making it won't stop following me around. It hurts.

4. There's very little of the beasties in question in this film. The main villains are this inept group of punks that basically annoy people and have ugly amazonian chick fights. The title of this should have been "Annoying Assholes With Bad Hair".

5. I'm very impressed with the suppose main villain's batting helmet made from some poor schmuck's skull. I was less impressed when he drank blood and became a minor league version of a member of GWAR.

6. So the big twist in this film is that the alien ship that has landed is in fact, our nerdy hero from the future after performing stupid experiments on himself. So basically our hero is making his girlfriend go up inside him (a future him, yes, but him nonetheless). Geez pal, you should start out slow...like a couple fingers deep first. Perv.

Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)

Director: Carl J. Sukenick

Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a plot...you know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.

The Killer's Edge (1991)

The Killer's Edge (1991)

Director: Joseph Merhi

Stars: Wings Hauser, Robert Z'Dar, Karen Black

I have something to confess...I love Robert Z'Dar. Ever since I first saw him in Soultaker (the MST3K version) I have been fascinated by this man. From everything I've read, he's an extremely nice man, which makes him even cooler to me. Sure he's not in the shape he used to be, but in all honesty, he's not a bad actor at all and should be doing character roles now. I'd cast him.

Wings Hauser on the other hand. I'm just not getting it. When was it decided to go with this guy as a leading man, even in direct to video productions? Not all that handsome, he comes off as a poor man's Gary Busey. Admittedly, this is the first Wings Hauser movie I've seen, but my recent VHS haul assures me that it won't be the last.

Jack Saxon (Hauser) is one of those Dirty Harry type cops dumbed down to action movie fans...which means that he kills everyone in sight. You'd think he'd get some prison time for that, but I guess it employs ambulance drivers and morgue attendants so he only gets yelled at and occasionally suspended. 

Saxon finds out that his old Vietnam buddy Miller (Z'Dar) is not a nice person, and have been counterfeiting millions of dollars. Oh and also challenging Saxon for the title of "killing the most people in a small area" title. Will Saxon take down his old pal who saved his life in 'Nam? Will Miller share the fake money with Saxon and they go off to Cabo together? And will Saxon's partner ever have the balls to fire a gun at someone? My money's on Cabo.

Six Things I've Learned From The Killer's Edge

1. One of the henchmen is named Tony, and I swear to God this man looks like Tony Curtis only with weird painted in eyebrows. Robert Blake in Lost Highway would have been creeped out by this guy.

2. Never let a fat naked guy in a massage parlor tell you to put down your gun. he will try to shoot you. You do not want to be known as the guy who got shot by the fat naked guy in the massage parlor. Fat naked guys will be coming out of the woodworks to get a piece of you.

3. In one scene, Saxon shows up at his fiance's place of work drunk as hell. What does she do? She teaches kids how to ice skate! I'm not sending my kid to be taught by some bimbo who let's Wings Hauser's drunken face slobber all over her! I did enjoy the comical bassoon music when El Drunko tried to get on the ice.

4. Here's a recipe for awesomeness...take one Robert Z'dar, add one (or two if you'd like) rocket launchers, throw in a pinch of maniacal laughter, mix it up and you got one hell of a villain. Fake Tony Curtis sold separately.

5. Karen Black plays someone from the FBI. I'm not sure what her rank is because she's never allowed to leave the one room she's in the whole movie. I wonder if that was the director's idea. Either he only had her for a day or two or he didn't want to run the insurance risk of letting Karen Black roam the city free. Millions of lives could have been lost.

6. I have to admit, as awful as this was, I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's fun to see Hauser "Busey" his way through a movie as a handsome action lead.  He may not be an Expendable, but for me, he sure is a Dependable.

For added fun, go read Wings' IMDb page. I'm sure whoever wrote his bio has NO connection to him whatsoever.

Killer Nerd (1991)

Killer Nerd (1991)

Directors: Wayne A. Harold, Mark Bosko

Stars: Toby Radloff, Lori Scarlett, Richard Zaynor

Harold Kunkle is like the rest of us, just wants to find a nice mate, enjoy some public domain cartoons, and wants a radical 'do. After ordering Slick Dick's set of tapes designed to make him irresistible to the ladies, he decides to go out on the town. But at every turn there people reminding him of what he truly is...a nerd. But they were only half right. After being humiliated one too many times, Harold snaps and becomes...a KILLER NERD! 

Six Things I've Learned from Killer Nerd

1. Establish the hell out of those buildings! Establish until the cows come home!

2. Never, EVER dismiss Harold's cat impression. Unless of course you're not attached to your head.

3. I was very disappointed that Harold didn't get revenge on that ripoff flower shop girl. 

4. Sometimes, you don't really want the extras that comes with your pizza. No refunds!

5. Anytime you see a grown nerd in a diaper, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. And perhaps your erection.

6. Honestly, this film without Toby Radloff would have been nearly unwatchable. His natural charisma really makes this one of my favorite movies. I know I was rooting for him. NERD NERD NERD NERD!

Teenage Exoricst (1991)

Teenage Exorcist (1991) 

Director: Grant Austin Waldman 

Stars: Brine Stevens, Eddie Deezen, Michael Berryman 

 A college grad student moves into an old mansion and is soon beset by evil demons who possess her and make her life a living hell. 

Six Things I Learned from Teenage Exorcist: 

1) Teenage exorcists get kick-ass theme music! 

2) Bargain houses come with free snakes. 

3) Demonic spirits love to crush milk cartons. 

4) The game of tag is vastly enhanced with chainsaws. 

5) Priests can turn humans into dogs. 

6) Zombies love card tricks!

Blood Massacre (1991)

Blood Massacre (1991)

Director: Don Dohler

Stars: George Stover, Robin London, James DiAngelo

Filmed in: Baltimore, Maryland

A gang of inept robbers, lead by the "charming" Rizzo (Stover), rob a video store and screw it up. When the gang forces a girl to take them to her house, they meet a family that is more than their match. Muffled voices, bad skin, and twist endings abound,

Six Things I've Learned from Blood Massacre

1. Rizzo is a sex icon. The sexual  tension he causes in every woman he talks to (they disguise it as being repulsed) could not only be cut with a knife, it could be served for lunch with leftovers for dinner.

2. Robbing a bank in a shopping center is a bad idea, but robbing a video store full of people is perfect.

3. This film has the least appealing shower scene ever. Peeping Rizzo doesn't help matters.

4.  Don Dohler had a real aversion to creating any characters that are the least bit likable.

5. It's tough to look like a tough 'Nam vet when you're wearing a Kim Carnes t-shirt.

6. As charmless as the characters are, Dohler's film itself has a cool grimy charm to it. I just need to take an unerotic shower now. No Rizzos allowed.

Hauntedween (1991)

Hauntedween (1991)

Director: Doug Robertson

Stars: Brien Blakely, Blake Pickett, Brad Hanks

Filmed : Bowling Green, Kentucky (My hometown. Go Toppers!)

Twenty years ago (in the film), some creepy kid in a crappy mask kills a teenage girl and cuts her head off at a haunted house. In the present day (when mullets were king AND queen of the prom) a fraternity needs to raise some money for their charter. When they get a mysterious offer to run a haunted house to raise money, they're just stupid enough to do it. This is Darwinism at work for the benefit of mankind. Also chubby stripper boobs courtesy of Yankee Doodles (long since closed)

Six Things I've Learned from Hauntedween

1 You can only take so many sarcastic comments about your mask before you snap and start cutting off heads.

2. Every fraternity needs a horny Barney Fife character.

3. When doing a house renovating montage, always have the theme song to the movie handy on CD.

4.  Make sure you have your quota of 30 year old balding fraternity members.

5. You can  easily tell who has the real accents and who don't. Looking right in your direction Blake Pickett.

6. Some characters will do anything to get out of this film including driving a flaming van.