Fatal Exposure (1989)

Fatal Exposure (1989)

Director: Peter B. Good

Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Renee Cline

As you can see right above me, this review is for the 2014 Gore-A-Thon. Now when I was asked to do this, I checked out what everyone else was doing. They were doing some really good, really gory movies. So I decided that instead of leaning towards masters like Fulci and Argento, I went with what I can only speculate as Chuck Berry's favorite director, Peter B. Good.

This shot on video "film" is about the great grandson of Jack the Ripper, only now he's calling himself Jack T. Ripperton. Yeah, that won't raise any suspicion. He's a photographer living in a huge mansion where he takes people pictures along with their lives (and sometimes body parts). Apparently drinking these victims' blood will make you more sexually potent. No wonder Dracula's always got a hard on.

Jack finally meets the girl of his dreams and together they kill of more models...him knowingly, her not so much.What Jack really wants is a Jack Jr. to carry on his legacy murdering folks. That's sweet.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Watch For

- If a serial killer gives you a pop quiz, 99.9% of the time you are going to fail it. By fail, I mean die horribly. Now I wouldn't be pleased with getting murdered, but giving me an exam before dying? That's just sick.

- It's nice that Jack found himself the dumbest woman on the planet to carry his seed. The car radio pretty much has to tell her flat out that her boyfriend's the murderer. Their kid is going to be a murdering moron.

-If you're going to talk to the camera, make sure you do it in your house and not in public. You don't really want other people knowing about your murdering plans. Plan ahead, so your plans don't end up dead. That's nobody's motto.

- The worst way to get someone to go to church is by dressing in sexy lingerie and convincing them with your tongue. It didn't work for me either. I'm no longer allowed in any retirement homes.

- The church lady does however have the best (de)parting line in the movie.

-Jack's girlfriend looks just like his great grandmother. That's not the least bit icky. At all.

- Ok, so you wanna know about the gore. It's kind of a mixed bag, but with me leaning more towards the good. There's decapitation and dismemberment scenes that looks beyond cheesy, but when it comes to acid, this movie is tops. There are several REALLY good acid effects that rivals any Italian horror as far as gore.

Overall I came in expecting another shitty SOV disaterpiece, and instead actually got a really fun flick. I actually forgot about it being on video and wanted to see how things worked out (though I had a clue). The guy playing Jack seems to really enjoy it, and while he toes the line into campy once or twice, he really does a great job playing a charismatic bad guy. The lead actress, while really pretty, is not so good an actress. Nice hooters though. I recommend it for fans of gore and SOV films.

Savage Vows (1994)

Savage Vows (1994)

Director: Robert Dennis

Stars: Kelly Ashton, Armond Sposto,, Mark Polonia

We start off Awful Movie Month with the twin terrors of no budget cinema, the Polonia Brothers. Best known for Splatter Farm and Feeders, my dumb ass decided to start things off with one of their lesser known "films".

From what I could tell due to the subpar audio, some guy is upset because his wife is dead, so all his moronic buddies show up to bum off him. They make him grill food, force him to watch horror movies, and then hit him up for money! At that point, I wanted him to be the killer just so he'd have a few less hot dogs to put on the grill for these moochers.

Someone's POVing around killing these yokels, and because it's happy you're even watching it, the movie brings in a couple more people to get mutilated...although looking at these people, it might be an improvement.

 This film rivals Death Nurse in the amount of the cast that is ugly. Death Nurse is at 100%...Savage Vows is only at 98%.

Six Things I've Learned From Savage Vows 

1. Love the wildly inappropriate music that randomly plays throughout this film. It seems like all genres were represented here. I was particularly fond of the one that sounded like it should be playing on the loudspeakers at the mall. Very scary stuff.

2. Everyone drives back from the funeral. Later on one of the characters gets so upset she runs out of the house and ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CEMETERY! Either she's a fucking olympic sprinter or those were some lazy assholes.

3. The audio in this is beyond atrocious. You either can't hear a damn thing they are saying or you hear it in some weird echo chamber. Not that what they had to say was important...or acted very well, but it would have been nice to know WHAT was said.

4. Mark Polonia has what is commonly known as a bad high school mustache. But that man is so fucking proud of it, he puts it on full display in this film. Mark Polonia's Wild Mustache Ride is one ride with no waiting time...or people in line.

5. I must admit that I had a bit of glee in me watching some crazy gibberish spouting homeless man get stabbed literally a hundred times with one of those fake retractable knives you see in halloween shops. Not so much when his manlike female companion got a painfully obvious plastic meat cleaver in the back.

6. This movie is already short enough at 71 minutes, but they had to actually pad this pile of Mickey Rooney's meat morsels by having the killer do what I can only guess is a real estate tour of the house. "And over here is where I plan to stab you with an arrow I got out of one of those toy bow and arrows sets at the Woolworths. And this here is a perfect spot to decapitate your loved ones!"

 

Black River Monster (1986)

Black River Monster (1986)

Director: John Duncan

Stars: Craig Martin, Bruce Phillips, James Larsen

I love shot on video movies. Yes, I'm aware that 99% of them are awful, but there's something about analog video that's soothing to me. Maybe it's because during the mid to late 80's just about anybody could buy a camcorder and make their own movie. And they did. And they somehow suckered video store owners into putting it on their shelves. It amazes me that some sucker ended up renting crap like Death Nurse...even worse, thinking that it's somebody's favorite movie.

Anyway this short (48 minutes) movie was done basically to promote the Black River Farm and Ranch, a camp only for girls. It seems on the up and up since the place still exists, so that's a sigh of relief.  

From everything I've read about this movie (and there isn't much about it online) the story is about  a bigfoot monster  running around throwing shit around in barns and scaring kids. But the real story of this movie is about Leroy. Leroy is a classic fat man character who is about to enjoy his first day at his new job. By enjoy I mean he sleeps in while his look alike mom yells at him to get up.

He hitches a ride with a couple dumb redneck assholes who shake and bake him in the back of their truck to fuck with him. Then they demand money for it! We find out later that they're the main bad guys in this.

Short story made long made short again, Leroy works at the ranch, the monster trashes a barn, the rednecks try to steal shit, and Leroy saves the day. It doesn't drag, and honestly, I like Leroy. He's a dumb, harmless, almost lovable character. I wonder whatever happened to him? Imdb won't tell me. I bribed it and everything. 

Six Things I've Learned From Black River Monster

1. There is a nail biting scene in which Leroy has to catch two goats. Sure, a dead guy with arms and legs ripped off could catch them, but I like to think this is a struggle Leroy goes through everyday.

2. I'm not sure which look was sexier, Leroy in his overalls or when he wears a  too tight safari outfit in his dream.

3. In this alternate universe, locked screen doors are the same as maximum security prison. Aluminum foil? Pure fucking steel, man.

4. Wimp really needs to make a comeback. You know, when you want to hurt someone's feelings without making them feel TOO bad. Go with the softer, gentler insult.

5. When the bad guys get their comeuppance at the hands of Bigfoot, it's quite satisfying. Even moreso when the monster looks like a giant ape puppet with a cat's head attached to it. Hooray for ridiculous attacks!

6. My favorite thing about this film is that one of the bad guys is named Sleaze. That's what he's credited as. He's great. He also looks like a hillbilly version of Charles Manson.

Helter Skelter!

Phantom Brother (1988)

Phantom Brother (1988)

Director: William Szarka

Stars: John Gigante, Mary Beth Pelshaw, Jon Hammer

In this very rare shot on video flick, some morons get killed in a house by a guy wearing one of those half black/half white masks. This house is the childhood home of Able, who was the only survivor of a car crash that killed his family...or was he? Why is he protecting the oreo man? Who the hell are the fat lady and the girl scout? Where is the logic in this film? How does the crazy doctor drive with a never ending six pack of beer? What the hell am I doing enjoying this crap?

My better half was not a fan of this film and tells us why HERE. Well worth the read.

Six Things I've Learned From Phantom Brother

1. Never get adopted by a family called the Hickmans. They will do everything to try to live up to their last name. Well at least it's not the Shitheads.

2. They can explain that fear and sex are close together as many times as they want to in this film, they are morons for trying to get laid in an abandoned house. Motel 6 too good for you, Jersey stereotype?

3. An entire wall of files all about some crazy guy will never be funny.

4. I don't care if he makes housecalls, I don't want a drunken doctor named Dr. Van Dam to examine me.

5. Beware of roving bands of bad filmmakers coming into your place randomly to shoot some awful shit.

6. If at any point I start having fantasies about living with an annoying girl scout and an always eating woman, feel free to force me to watch a marathon of Nick Millard films. That's the closest thing to death for me.

Hellroller (1992)

Hellroller (1992)

Director: Gary J. Levinson

Stars: Ron Littman, Michelle Bauer, Penny Arcade

In this shot on video "film", and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible, a homeless man in a wheelchair snaps and kills people. That's it. Wheelchair homicide. If there wasn't boobs in this, it would beat out Death Nurse as the worst film I've ever seen. 

Six Things I've Learned from Hellroller

1. Spent all your money on the boobs? That's alright. Just cut away and then plop some red glob on the actor. Problem solved!

2. Johnny Legend does a great Tommy Chong impression.

3. I know she did it for money, but do you think Michelle Bauer is embarrassed for being in this shit? I like to think she is. "Get naked for your camcorder? Sure!"

4. Eugene (the wheelchair guy) is a bad partner. He promises his stupid new murder buddy (played by the director) he can have his way with the women victims but the first one comes along and Eugene has to kill him. If that's not enough, his victim is stupid enough to help him!

5. Don't want to show passage of time? Just have the actors leave and then renter the scene. NEW DAY!

6.  Eugene has more mood swings than a 13 year old girl.

Camp Blood (1999)

Camp Blood (1999) 

Director: Brad Sykes 

Stars: Jennifer Ritchkoff, Michael Taylor, Tim Young, Betheny Zolt 

Out and about on a camping trip in the woods without a care in the world, four campers found themselves in an unknown world. With the death of their guide and at the mercy of a cold blooded killer, the trip of fun in the sun soon took a wrong turn. With friends slowly disappearing, so does the chance of getting out alive. 

Six Things I Learned from Camp Blood 

1. Bird watching leads to murder. 

 2. Those who make moonshine scare people away from their site with killer clown stories. 

3. Sandals are perfect footwear for a hike through the woods. 

4. Pretty people don’t know how to pitch a tent. 

5. Serial killers aren’t good boxers. 

6. You can enter a car by being run over by it.

555 (1988)

555 (!988)

Director: Wally Koz

Stars: Ricardo Alverez, Mara Lynn Bastian,  Greg Kerouac

A crazy bastard dressed as a 60's hippy is out killing badly acting nude couples while the angry cops bitch about it and harass some old guy. Throw in a saggy snooping female reporter willing to do anything to get the scoop (ugh) and you got yourself the makings of a shot on video classick. 

Six Things I've Learned From 555

1. Ed Wood Tips #34: With random diplomas, a desk, and a small couch, any room can become a police station! Just add cops.

2.  OK, how fucking hard is it to find someone dressed like a 60's hippy in the late 1980's? Was there suddenly a trend of looking like you stepped off an episode of The Wonder Years?

3. Tired of having a sex drive? Be sure to watch the butt ugly reporter whip out her titty and letting some old guy suck on it. It's boner reducing magic!

4. One positive thing about this film is that the decapitation scene is pretty well done. Not real believable but still well done.

5. These guys may be the angriest cops on the face of the earth. Even Dirty Harry would be like "whoa bald guy, let's dial it down a notch".

6. If you make a movie this bad, only your family is stupid enough to help you make it. For shame Koz family.