Sunday, October 28, 2012

WWWofCF's Haunted Horror Hootenanny Radio Show!

Because we here at WWWofCF love Halloween, and were tired of those lame ass "scary" music compilations with less than scary music, we decided to put together a special TWO HOUR block of music, trailers, and soundbytes to scare the pants off of you...if any of you wore pants. No track listing, because I just want you to enjoy the show, and because I'm lazy. Too much candy corn.

I don't want to give you any ideas, but this would be great background ambiance for your party or satanic ritual.

Listen here!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

WWWofCF's Top 15 Favorite Horror Movie Moments: The Top Ten!

Since Halloween tip toed it's way up on me, I'm going to bust out the last ten choices for my favorite horror movie moments. These are not in any particular order and the only rule was that it come from a horror film.

Without further ado, let's get to the top ten.

10. "What's Behind Door Number 1?" - Texas Chainsaw Massacre

This was a film that everytime I saw it, the lights were off for some reason. So therefore, I would end up pissing the bed afraid that Leatherface would break out his chainsaw and gut me like that fat guy in the wheelchair. I'm not as scared now (plus I have rubber sheets) so I can appreciate what Tobe Hooper did in this film with a budget of 14 bucks.

This scene is my favorite because of a few reasons. One, someone dies...always a plus. Two, the introduction of Leatherface in glorious fashion (and he is a fashion plate). And C, the idea of not knowing what the hell ol' Leathy is going to do with this guy once he drops him like a bad habit. I bet he's gonna make out with him. That pervo.

9. "I Think That's Expired"  - Zombi 3

Let's face it, Zombi 3 is a terrible film...except this scene. No matter how many times I see it, I think of those flying medusa heads in the NES classic Castlevania. Man I hated those damn heads/ Bastards.

8.  "Tarmania Running Wild!" - Return of the Living Dead

Zombies don't really scare me. Yeah, they look gross and all, but none of them really frighten me. Tarman scares the hell out of me to this day. I mean if I saw a regular zombie walking the streets, I'd be alarmed but could probably take him out. If I saw Tarman, I'd throw any man woman or senior citizen in my way to get away from it. I have to go change my pants now. Damn it.

7. "A Creepy Doll Walks in A Bar" - Deep Red

Look, I'm quite alright if somebody wants to kill me. It's nothing new. I'm still hiding from those Target employees after yelling "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE TV'S" on Black Friday. If those people really wanted to catch me, all they would have to do is dress this doll/robot as a Target Cashier and I'd jump out the window.

6.  "Would you like some towels?" - The Woman in Black

If the title confuses you, let me explain. I went on vacation once. Just once. Was hanging out in Orlando just having a good ol' time. Now if there's one thing we can all agree on, is that we all get startled when woken up suddenly from a deep sleep. I was staying at this questionable motel when I was awaken by the maid asking if I need some extra towels. Needless to say, I screamed like a girl, she screamed like a girl, and I had to get a new bedspread.  I know this man's pain.

5. "Chachi HATES Joanie" - Galaxy of Terror

I've always had a fascination of seeing beloved tv characters die gruesomely, like Gomez Addams playing a drunken bastard and then getting filled up with air until he exploded in the little seen Night Life. Plucking these characters out of their safe laugh filled environment and placing them in danger is oddly enjoyable to me. So when I first read that Erin Moran was in Galaxy Of Terror, I figured she would be one of the ones who survived the film.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Basically this alien creature attacks people using their fear..I guess Joanie Cunninghams' fear was being in a Roger Corman film, and her poor head couldn't take it. And not a Fonz in sight.

4. "Supercrack Kills Superhos" - Frankenhooker

 One of the funniest horror movies of the past 25 years is Frankenhooker. Being a teenager when this came out, I push the button on the VHS box that said "Wanna Date?"  at least 50 times before my parents agreed to rent it out for me. I was not disappointed.

Although the supercrack scene doesn't have a lot of gore in it, it does have two other things going for it...boobs and exploding hookers.  You know you wanna watch it. WARNING: There are some ugly boobs in this scene. I'm sorry in advance.

3. "River Raft Rampage" - The Burning

This one is a recent view for me, although it came out in 1980. My wife recommended this movie to me because she knows I love me some cheesy slashers. From campers old enough to be parents of campers, a hideously burned up serial killer, and even that nerdy guy from Fast Times who couldn't seem to get it on with Jennifer Jason Leigh.

In this scene, these idiots go out camping far from the summer campgrounds. Now what is the fucking point of going camping AWAY from a campground? That's like going to a swimming pool only to travel a block or so and decide to use someone else's swimming pool that's above ground. Really roughing it. OK, so these moron's canoes are gone and they go all Gilligan's Island and build a raft out of coconuts or the campers sweaty jocks or something. A band on campers merrily make their way down the river when they spot one of the canoes.

What happens next? If you guess massive bloody hilarious death, give yourself a cookie. Only one though, I don't want you to spoil your dinner.

2. "Super Mega Video Game Killers" - Bio-Zombies

This movie is fast becoming one of my favorite zombie flicks. It mainly takes place at a tacky mall/flea market where a guy who drank expired Dr. Pepper (or maybe not) turns into a flesh seeking zombie. We follow two lovable losers who must save their wimmins and save the day. Do they? Go watch it yourself you lazy bastard!

This scene is my favorite because it parodies videos game perfectly. The 5 survivors get weapons and we're treated to a "screenshot" and mini bio for each character.  It may not be scary, but it sure as hell cool.

1.  "Winner Takes It All" - Venom


Klaus Kinski battles a deadly Black Mamba to the death in a performance so over the top, Rip Taylor felt it was too much. Who dies? No matter what, we all win.

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Comic VHS Artwork

So here a David Bowie/Muppet hybrid has taken it upon himself to murder people that are made entirely of wood. OR maybe he's just carving his initials in him.

Shrieker (1998)

Shrieker (1998) 
 Director: David DeCoteau 
Stars: Tanya Dempsey, Jamie Gannon, Parry Shen 

Clark moves into an abandoned hospital with other college students to save on money. She shortly learns the reason it's abandoned is the curse of the Shrieker. The more she learns about the creature, the quicker their lives are running out. 

Six Things I Learned from Shrieker

1. The Shrieker is the Conjoined Fetus Lady from South Park’s brother. 

2. To appease the Shrieker and save your life, you must give it five lives to feast on. A dollar menu is an option when he’s low on income. 

3. College students live in abandoned hospitals. No hobos allowed! Shriekers, on the other hand… 

4. Having short hair and a good body makes you gay. 

5. The Shrieker can move through three dimensions to land anywhere he wants. This is also known as a plot convenience. 

 6. The Shrieker has a schedule. He only kills you if it’s in his planner.

Friday, October 19, 2012

WWWofCF's Top 15 Horror Movie Moments #12 and #11!

#12 "Must Have Been Something She Ate" - City of the Living Dead

The blame for me becoming a big Fulci fan can be squarely placed on my wife (who does the fantastic Deep Red Rum site. I'm particularly fond of his unholy trilogy (The Beyond, City of the Living Dead, House By the Cemetery). Now while I'm not as fond of House and I'm sure the Beyond will make an appearance on this list, this scene is without a doubt my favorite Fulci scene. Why? I can't say for sure. Maybe it's the horror of seeing some lady bleed out of her eyes and then throw up her innards. Or maybe it's because the dumbass boyfriend gets what little brain he has ripped out of the back of his head. Maybe I've just always wanted to stare at people until something gross happens. I think it's a combination of all three.

#11 "They're All Gonna Laugh At You!" - Evil Dead 2

Anyone that's listened to my radio show (All 7 of you) know that I have an unhealthy obsession with my Evil Dead 2 DVD. This scene is the reason why. I'm always a fan of massive blood baths, and this scene sure doesn't dissapoint. It's like the Skittles of bloodbaths, all the colors of the rainbow! Well that's close enough to send anyone on the brink of insanity, but when all the furniture in the cabin starts to laugh at can almost hear Ash's mind snapping. 

It's a very disturbing scene because I secretly live in fear of doing something stupid in singing What's Love Got to Do With It in my underwear and thinking that the toaster is telling the griddle how much of a goofy jackass I am. I get so upset I throw the toaster, breaking it into pieces while yelling at it. My mascera is running and I'm crying out "YOU CAN'T FEEL MY PAIN! YOU JUST MAKE TOAST!! DON'T JUDGE MEEEE!!" and then my wife comes home to find me in the fetal position and ignores me.

You know...just a typical 50's family.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

WWWofCF's Top 15 Favorite Horror Movie Moments #13 and #12!

Starting with this post, I'm going to be doing two movie moments at a time...mainly because I'm trying to get done in time for halloween and this cuts in on my candy eating designated time. So here we go!

#13 "Chicken Lady" - Freaks


Freaks is in my personal top 10 favorite movies.  I'm a big Tod Browning fan (go see the 1925 classic The Unholy Three) and he puts his sideshow traveling past to good use. Banned in many countries for years, this film used real sideshow performers, but instead of them being the monsters, they're the good guys. 

That being said, this scene is why you don't piss them off. The "freaks" learn that the "normal" trapeze artist has been poisoning the beloved little person Hans (played by Harry Doll). They're none too pleased and they go after her and her lover the strongman. This scene is genuinely creepy and the aftermath even more disturbing. 


They fucking turn her into some sort of chicken lady!  How the hell do they do that!? Does she lay eggs? Can she play tic tac toe? I DON'T KNOW! All I can say are freaks are some bad mamma jammas.

#12  "I Hate Little League" - Maximum Overdrive

Now I know a lot of people hate this film, but for me it's like an old friend. This movie played constantly on 
one of those pay movie channels (I'm thinking Showtime) and as a kid I wanted one of those semi's with the Green Goblin head. It's like He-Man was my favorite cartoon as a child, but even though watching muscular men in furry loincloths seems a bit dated, I still have a soft spot for it in my head.

As previously mentioned, I like when movies aren't afraid to bump off children. I enjoy it even more when it's some athletic event. Yes, I resent not being more athletic instead of just witty and ridiculously good looking. From the hilarious to me sight of soda cans nailing the coach in the balls, to the steamroller flattening little Billy Bastard, this is just one big giggle fest for me.

I'm aware that I have some minor issues.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Wide Weird World of Radio Show #17!

In this episode, Dan tries to get into the Arbitrary Cinema Coalition  by sucking up to it's president, Graham Von Paramounte.  Will Dan join the elite, or is he destined to be a goofball?

On a side note, you may have noticed some of the radio shows are not showing up. I'm working on fixing this one show at a time. Be patient gentle Ben viewers!

Listen Here!

Track Listing

Show opening
I'm the Leader of the Gang- Hulk Hogan with Green Jelly
Satan (Theme from Satan's Sadists)- Paul Wibier
Horror Hospital Trailer
March of the Dead (Army of Darkness)- Danny Elfman
Theme from Cannibal Holocaust
Tron Trailer
Segment Two (Some cinematic masterpieces)
Sweet Home Chicago (Blues Brothers)- John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd
Great Moments in Cult Cinema _ Big Jim Slade (Kentucky Fried Movie)
Main Title from The French Connection
Main Them from Werewolves on Wheels - Don Gere
Segment Three (Graham meets Marty)
Midnight Madness- Donna Fein
Montage (Mad Max Theme)- Brian May
Shocker (Shocker)- Paul Stanley
Abby Trailer
Who Am I - Jackie Chan
Theme (?) from Tales From the Quadead Zone
Closing (The ACC or Marty?)
Blame it on the Bossa Nova (Amazon Women on the Moon) - Don "No Soul" Simmons

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Stand Alone VHS Artwork

It's pretty easy to have to stand alone when dealing with an awful case of the crotch fighters.

The Nostril Picker (1993)

The Nostril Picker (1993) 
Director: Mark Nowicki 
Stars: Carl Zschering, Edward Tanner 

Loner turns into a girl to lure and kill other girls. He also picks his nose a lot. 

SixThings I Learned from The Nostril Picker: 

1. Being a nostril picker is classier than being a nose picker. 

2. Morphal Synthesis can make you change into anybody by chanting a tune. What about nose picking? 

3. Poor people eat dog food. 

4. Stalkers use black magic to change their looks and become friends with their prey. 

5. Girls don’t scream when you cut their fingers off. 

6. If Siskel & Ebert hate a movie, it must be good!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

WWWofCF's Top 15 Favorite Horror Movie Moments #14

Today we're going to look at what I consider the best Halloween film. I know some of you will have those pitchforks and torches ready (and where are you getting those torches at?) because everyone loves the original Halloween. While I enjoy that film, and it boasts one of the greatest horror themes ever, it just lacks something to me. I will say it was close only for the thrill of seeing PJ Soles' boobs, but I have the extended version of Stripes to watch constantly...and alone...and with tissue.

Halloween 3 is my favorite of the series simply because the story is pretty damn awesome.  a crazy  mask maker (who owns a town and has a 6 pm curfew) and his army of robots steals one of the large rocks of Stonehenge. That's right, somehow this guy and his walking mechanical army actually managed to BRING A PART OF STONEHENGE BACK TO THE UNITED STATES!! Anyway, Doctor Challus, who is a big ol' whore, is trying unravel the mystery behind these masks. 

Now let me go slightly off topic and ask a question...why would all these kids want what basically ammounts to three very fucking generic masks? I'm sure Skull head Elvis would be a hit at parties, but there's only so many ways you take a witch mask. Was it the givaway? Cause if so, that must have been the best prize on the face of the earth for kids to play a pumpkin for halloween. More like halloweenies, amirite?

#14 "Watch the Magic Pumpkin" Halloween 3

Today's scene is one of my favorites simply because an annoying kid gets it. I get tired of seeing the kid get away simply because they're a fucking kid. If it's a smart kid who outwits the killer, that's different, but Billy Bastard should have to follow the same rules of horror films as us adults, dagnabbit. 

I have no idea why a small piece of Stonehenge would cause a kid to spit out bugs and large snakes. I was saddened however, to find the no midgets were going to come out and dance around the dead kid. That race of druids means business!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Forever Evil (1987)

Forever Evil (1987)
Director: Roger Evans
Stars: Red Mitchell, Tracey Huffman, Charles L Trotter

A group of annoyingly preppy young adults go to a fancy cabin only to be killed off by some old looking zombie. the lone survivor Marc decides to find this evil being. With the help of the mysterious Reggie and the too cool for school Detective Leo, they find out that some things truly are....Forever Evil! See what I did there? That would have been a totally sweet IMDB synopsis. I wonder if they pay for those?

Six Things I've Learned From Forever Evil

1. Your hero shouldn't look like an adult version of the "My Buddy" doll that was big in the 80's.

2. The zombie in this film looks like one of those thirty dollar K Mart decorations you put on your front porch holding a bowl of snickers with a sign that says "EYE see when you take more than one!" I shoulda taken two or three. I'm such a coward.

3. I wish I had my own theme music like Leo did. Maybe something light and jazzy. Something that would make people know I mean business, but I have a wacky side as well. I'll get on that.

4.  Important scenes in this film include a nosy neighbor of Leo's telling her friend on the telephone every single fucking story in the tabloids and Leo's entire trip to the mailbox to mail a letter to Marc that he could have just phone the asshole and told him.

5. When filming a bloody shower scene, it's best not to film it in a place that has blood red tiles in it.

6. Real estate agents really are evil!

Friday, October 5, 2012

WWWofCF's Top 15 Favorite Horror Movie Moments #15

Since this month is when all the witches fly and the freaks come out at night and people are trying to figure out how to put razor blades in popcorn balls, I thought I'd put together my own little list of favorite Horror Movie Moments. 

Now I'm not saying these are the best scenes ever (well to me they are) as any list like this is subjective, but I'd like to get your comments on the selections I've made. 

These are not in any particular order.

#15 "I Remember You" from House of 1000 Corpses

 I know Rob Zombie is hit or miss with some of you, but I've always enjoyed his work (Halloween 2 notwithstanding). It's obvious he has a true love of exploitation and cult films and casts his movies accordingly. You can say he casts his wife too often, but a lot of directors do that...looking at you Timmy Burton. 

While I love the Captain Spaulding scenes (and can currently be his double right now), it's this particular scene listed that got me the first time I saw it. The sheer slow motion brutality and shock while the sweet tones of Slim Whitman echos in the air is such a great pairing. The long silent pullback before the deputy is shot (not by Eric Clapton) is almost painful. Twenty seconds of agonizing silence fills the air before the gun goes off.

Stay tuned to this site as I'll have more of my favorite horror scenes all this month. Man I'm looking forward to Lords of Salem.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Blade VHS artwork

Blade: Super Spy and Giant Tongue Tickler.

Pulgasari (1985)

Pulgasari (1985) 
Directors: Chong Gon Jo, Sang-ok Shin 
Stars: Chang Son Hui, Ham Gi Sop, Jong-uk Ri 

In feudal Korea, the evil King becomes aware that there is a peasant rebellion being planned in the country. He steals all the iron farming tools and cooking pots from the people so that he may make weapons to fend off the peasant army. After he returns the property to the people, an old blacksmith is imprisoned and starved to death. His last creation is a tiny figurine of a monster- Pulgasari, a Godzilla-like creature that eats iron. The blood of his daughter brings the creature to life, and fights with the poor, starving peasants to overthrow the corrupt monarchy. 

Six Things I Learned from Pulgasari 

 1. Kim Jong-Il likes kaiju films. 

2. Monsters take a back seat to political agendas. 

3. Pulgasari likes to steal and eat iron. It’s a part of his balanced breakfast! 

4. Spears don’t harm Pulgasari. Cancel the Edge and Goldberg attack. 

5. Pulgasari is a natural at wood cutting. I wonder how he fares in mowing the lawn.

 6. A woman’s blood bring Pulgasari to life. He’s the only male creature that likes women during their time of the month.

Monday, October 1, 2012

No Retreat No Surrender (1986)

No Retreat No Surrender (1986) 
Director: Corey Yuen
Stars: Kurt McKinney, Jean Claude Van Damme, Timothy D Baker 

Despite the box art, this movie doesn't star Jean Claude Van Damme, but Kurt McKinney as all american kid and stalker of the late Bruce Lee, Jason Stillwell. After his family moves to a new town, Jason tries to fit in with a new karate school, but if you've seen Karate Kid, you know that these guys are going to be giant dickheads. After begging the tombstone of Bruce Lee to help him, he actually does and Jason helps saves the asshole Dojo (and his suddenly popping up out of nowhere girlfriend) by battling the evil russian... who IS Jean Claude Van Damme. Dude's in this movie like 15 minutes tops. I hate lying VHS covers. 

Six Things I've Learned From No Retreat No Surrender

1. This film throws us for a loop right off the bat when Jason's dad, getting beat up by some mobsters, actually retreats AND surrenders by moving to another town.

2. Every kid in the 80's was required to have a hip breakdancing friend assigned to them. Jason got one who also enjoys dressing up like Michael Jackson. What a lucky boy!

3. Why is the comic fat guy so disgusted by Jason's Bruce Lee fetish? The fat bastard takes karate himself! Or maybe they just have a good buffet there.

4. The mob guy clapping his hands gleefully like a little girl while Van Damme "breaks" the asshole dojo members is a highpoint.

5. The guy playing Jason's dad, while in reality a real karate champion, would have also been right at home "acting" in an Ed Wood film. So wooden he took a sidejob as paneling on a stationwagon.

6.  The Bruce Lee in this film is played by Tai Chung Kim, who was the stand in for the real Lee when he died during the filming of Game of Death. No truth to the rumor that the cardboard cutout of Lee was originally asked to play Jason's dad.