Getting to Know Me - My 6 Favorite Horror Movies

This week (specifically March 19th) marks the three year anniversary of the Wide Weird World of Cult Films, and I thought I'd spend the next couple of weeks celebrating by letting you take a glimpse inside my brain and see what movies ended up shaping this slightly pudgy man before you. Since most of you love horror, I thought it only fitting that we start there...and going to go old school here by listing SIX of my all-time favorite horror films (in no particular order).

Pieces

This is hands down my favorite slasher. Take two parts George (Christopher and Lynda), throw in a dash of Bluto from Robert Altman's Popeye, center it with the "It Stinks" guy from Pod People, and throw in generous portions of nudity and mostly bad gore, and you have one of the most insane viewing experiences of your life. Bonus Jack Taylor included.

                                  

Burial Ground

This movie may have the barest of plot (along with the barest of ladies) and zombies that look like failed plaster life cast subjects and you have Burial Ground. There's a real sense of dread watching this, and I don't mean because it's bad. You know these schmucks are doomed, and we have to watch every uncomfortable moment of it. There is some good gore in this, and some grisly deaths, but the main reason to see this movie can be explained in two words...Peter Bark

My Bloody Valentine

Oh Canada, you land of glorious horror. This film picked up where Friday the 13th left off and went after a holiday filled with love and torn out hearts. The deaths are the highlight of this film,even more so now that the gorier deleted scenes have been restored. You really need to see that goofy comic relief fully have his head pop off and his body tumble to the ground in uncut glory. I laugh every time.

Another plus is that I've interacted with Paul Kelman (who played TJ) on facebook, and he is one cool sumbitch.

Dead And Buried

This film may be the most original use of zombies ever. They aren't brainless monster out for an all you can eat human buffet, but average looking citizens who just happen to murder people. Oh but it's alright because the friendly mortician will just fix em right up so they can join the town! These zombies are much more terrifying to me than the other kind, and Jack Albertson (in his final role) seems to relish playing an evil mortician playing God. The scene where he's performing his reconstruction magic is a true highlight.

City of The Living Dead

Geez this list makes me out to be some sort of undead enthusiast. I couldn't have a list of my favorite horror movies without something from Lucio Fulchi's trilogy in it. Now for the longest time The Beyond would have been my pic...and I'm still a huge fan of it, but over the years this one (also known as the Gates of Hell) has edged it out slightly. I wish I could say it's because of the plot, or the terrific acting, but in reality it's because I enjoy the deaths just too damn much. Three brain squeezings, a drill through the noggin, and a woman showing us the way her insides work in a way that Slim Goodbody never thought to make this a seminal gore classic.

Frailty

This one may be a bit of a surprise after I listed bloodfest after bloodfest, but this movie doesn't get nearly the love it should. The idea that God sends messages to folks saying "Hey yo, these folks are demons. How about I show you where there's a good axe to be found and you go chop em up for me...OK?" is something that fascinates me. Plus who wouldn't want God to blur out your face on video cameras? It sure would keep people from knowing how often I visited Big Pete's House of Sex Meats.

Next time I'll take a look at a subject that some people say I'm good at, and others wish I would stop...comedies!

15 Underrated Villains - The Top Five!

We've worked hard, scraped by, and murdered a few hobos, but we have finally gotten to the final five. My own personal choices as to who "I" think is underrated. Let's take a look!

5. Frank and Julia (Hellraiser)

The only couple on the list, but what an evil couple they are. Julia is married to Frank's brother, but was seeing him on the downlow. She was sad when Frank died, but surprise, Frank's alive. Well sort of. He looks like he belongs in a biology classroom, but hey, he's still got that charm.

Frank and Julia kill guys and other dastardly things before the Cenobites come looking for Frank. I think he owes Pinhead twenty bucks.

4. Harry Warden/Axel (My Bloody Valentine)

It's hard not to feel sorry for Axel. I mean, watching your dad get his heart ripped out will probably do a little damage to one's psyche. But that's no reason to go off and kill your buddies. Yeah, Happy was a bastard, and that joking guy's death was pretty neat, and the way you killed that woman with the shower was damn impressive...

You know what? Fuck em. I don't blame you.



3. Angela (Sleepaway Camp)

Hey look, another Angela on this list! Kinda. There's nothing wrong with roleplaying, except when it's forced. Then people lose their heads and you end up making terrifying faces while nude.



 
2. Father William Thomas (City of The Living Dead/Gates of Hell)

This guy willingly hangs himself so that the gates of Hell will open and dead people will go around causing bad shit to happen. That's a real bastard for you. Maybe he's upset that every time he went on a date and gazed into his lovely lady's eyes, she starts throwing up her vital organs. That makes asking for a second date rather awkward.



1. The Townsfolk of Pleasant Valley (2000 Maniacs)

I figured that for the top slot no single ordinary villain would do. So how about a whole town full of southern ghosts out to murder and maim yankee tourists in inventive and ghastly ways? You can say all the bad things you want about these folks, but you have to admit that they sure are having fun killing and dancing and drinking moonshine and probably sleeping with their ghost cousin. I'm from Kentucky...I can say shit like that.





Next week, I go from wonderfully evil villains into a much darker place. A place where budget and talent and good screenwriting all flies out the window like someone getting a money proposal from Donald Jackson. Stay tuned.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die - The Top 5!

Here we are, the top five that I personally feel deserve the fates that God (and the screenwriters) gave to them. 

#5 - Mr. Alphonso The Creepy Fat Pedo from Alice Sweet Alice

This movie disturbs me. Maybe it's the rare sight of seeing a kid get killed in a horror film. maybe it's the sister of the dead kid, whom while actually over 18, would probably illicit the fantasies of many a sick child lovin bastard. 

Nah, it's Mr. Alphonso.

Looking an awful lot like a cross between Divine minus the makeup and Grimice from McDonalds, he just comes off as seriously unsettling. Having him surrounded by cute kittens doesn't help either.

#4 - TJ and Leelee (Really?) from Killer Nerd

You have to give me a moment here...I JUST found out that one of the character's names is Leelee. The hell kind of name is that!?

Okay, I'm better now. 

These two thugs harass and beat up our hero Harold Kunkle for no reason other than he's what the uncouth may call a "nerd". I see nothing wrong with being a nerd, but I do find something wrong with beating the shit out of a defenseless guy and making him refer to himself as a sissy boy. Harold agrees because he snaps and starts killing off everyone who has been mean to him...and I applaud it every step of the way.

Now mind you, I'm not advocating murder (despite making a list advocating that very thing), but sometimes a movie just has to tell the little guy that yeah, you can also strap sticks of dynamite to your enemies' heads and make em explode! 

God bless you Harold Kunkle.

#3 - That Bitchy Chris Hargensen from Carrie

I'm not talking about the remake...I feel they should only remake awful movies and try to get them right. Manos remake anyone? 

No, I'm talking about the 1976 classic. Chris and her group of bitchy mcbitches like to torment poor Carrie because she's naive and her mom is a raving religious nutjob. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine was fighting back against this asshole in high school who was already balding and telling him to meet me after school for a fight. He never showed. Yay me! For Carrie, it was when Chris and the dreamy John Travolta dump pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. Instead of fighting against male pattern baldness man like I did, she used her kinetic powers to murder everyone.

Is it overkill? Perhaps. But hey, they deserved it. I got issues, man.

Top 15 Horror characters That Deserve To Die #3... by alabastertnt

#2 - The Criminally Unfunny Howard from My Bloody Valentine

Well, here's the second My Bloody Valentine character that I felt needed to be on this list. I originally had him at number one, but he just wasn't as worthy as my real number one. 

Howard's the guy you have in your group that tries to be goofy and funny, but comes off as sad and pathetic. It's no shock that this type of character (see previous entry Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3) is always single. They think doing things like faking being killed and causing old ladies to nearly have heart attacks is a hoot. 

He also shows his true colors when the kids are in the mines and find out Harry Warden's on the loose down there. Does he stay and help protect the wimmin folk? Nope, the little bitch runs off into the darkness. He's not seen again until the group (or what's left of them) tries to climb the longest ladder in history to escape. Even then he's just..."hanging around".

Oh God, I may be this very cliche! HELP!

#1 - Kendall's Penis from Pieces

Now I'm aware that it may be a radical idea to put someone's anatomy at the top of a list of horror characters, but it makes sense. Let me explain.

Kendall is a man whore. With his nerdy grandpa sweaters, to his white man's afro, and his inability to fight worth a shit, it's easy to see why the ladies flock to him. But you see, Kendall is ruled by his penis (who does make an appearance in this film). Hopping around sticking himself in places he knows he won't commit to...that penis has broken a lot of hearts on campus.

The killer in Pieces was killing off lovely coeds for body parts in order to make himself a patchwork date. It stands to reason that some of the poor victims had also been victims to Kendall's raging hard on. So when Kendall reaches over to grab his coat, it's like his penis is taunting the pieces of his former conquests by waving himself in their "faces" so to speak. They react in the manner you'll see in this clip. Hell hath no fury like a dead woman puzzle scorned.

That's it for the countdown this year! I like to thank all of you for reading, suggesting, and being downright pleasant. I'm giving you all a treat next month as I have declared November as Awful Movie Month. 30 days of me torturing myself for your amusement! Happy Halloween!

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #10 - #6

As usual, I found myself running out of time when doing a Halloween list, so we'll split the top ten into two posts. Let's get with the killings!

#10 - Overgrown Fat Man-Child Walter from Memorial Valley Massacre

I don't know about you guys, but if there was a huge line of people waiting to go camping and I was in it, I would look over my priorities to see where I went horribly wrong. Have to be honest, I haven't even seen the whole movie but this one character immediately stood out in a cast filled with repugnant people.

Fat Man-Child Walter wants to fuck up the eco system by riding his shitty 3 wheeler around the forrest. the "good guys" takes his keys and doing his best Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure impression, tries to get mommy and daddy to get em back...to no avail. So what does he do? Why he breaks in and steals the keys back (also stealing a gold watch as well)! 

So Fat Man-Child Walter is driving along, ruining picnics and basically being a fat bastard when he seemingly scares a fucking caveman. Yup, a caveman. The caveman is either pissed off or scared (can't tell with the billy bob teeth in) and he helps the audience by taking the fat fuck out.

Quick question...why do movies insist on making these obese characters wear the shortest of shorts? Who jerking off to that?

#9 - Richard Vickers from Creepshow

It takes a hell of an actor to make me want to root FOR Ted Danson, but Leslie Nielsen did it. I admit that finding out your wife is sleeping around will piss you off, and you have every right to beat the hell out of the guy who is boning her, but Vickers here takes it too far with the sadistic (yet imaginative) burying them up to their necks in the sand while they drown deaths. Of course being Creepshow, he couldn't just get away with such dastardly actions. The undead aquatic couple return and give ol' Vickers a taste of his own medicine.

I don't care for anthologies, but Creepshow is one of the best, and this one may be my favorite of the five stories. Nielsen was such an underrated actor because of his later comedy roles, but man he could play a mean asshole.

                              

#8 - Happy the Bartender from My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine is my favorite Canadian slasher film. Hands down. It's also the only movie that makes it on this list twice. Let's view the lesser of two annoying dickheads.

Happy the Bartender is just a miserable fuck. I'm sure Happy's not his real name, most likely one of those nicknames that people give to other people that mean the exact opposite. That means I'd be calling the guy at #10 on the list Slim.

Happy warns the kids about Harry Warden, but they're in their late teens - early twenties and think they know it all, so they laugh him off. Happy ain't happy no more. So Happy decides to play a prank on the young horny miners (as opposed to minors). He's waaaay too proud of his lame gag of "Harry Warden" popping out of the door, because he tests the prank over and over, giggling like a japanese schoolgirl selling her panties to an overweight balding 40 something businessman. He starts walking away but has to open the door ONE MORE TIME...and dies. Now you'll never know how the joke went, asshole.

I'm showing the uncut death because Happy deserves it.

#7 - Maddy from Blood Rage

I REALLY don't like Louise Lasser. I think she's a real nutbag. Tha being said, I also think she's a good actress when she wants to be. This movie shows off her skills of playing an insane woman who has two sons, one a psychopathic killer, and the other in the nuthouse because of his psycho twin.

All through the movie, she wallows around, drinking, sitting on the floor and eating out of the fridge (and who hasn't done that?) and despite evidence to the contrary, still thinks the wrong one is the "good son". 

The ending of the movie is that Maddy kills the evil son by shooting him a number of times. She then consoles the good son and tells him she's the reason she's living. Well surprise surprise, she shot her favorite (the evil one), so the old nutbag puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger, making it the only good thing that's gone into her brain. Lord knows I've wanted to do that watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

#6 - Tim from Trick or Treat

I hate me some high school bullies. I had a fat dumbass redneck who used to torture me in high school by calling me gay (he used a much more offensive word) because my best friend was male. Seriously, that's how stupid he was (probably still is). So there's a bit of pleasure I get from seeing the school bully get what's coming to him....and boy does our #6 get it.

Tim is the popular jock. His main studies seem to be to pick on the heavy metal kid Eddie. Side note: I was also one of those headbanging kids, just not into leather. Made my ass look big. 

So what puts Tim onto this list is because of what he does at a pool party. Eddie shows up because a pretty girl asks him to go. Not trying to set him up, she's just a nice person. But she's late so when Eddie shows up, there's Tim and his towel to ass buddies, who decide to make Eddie leave. Before Eddie is dragged out, Tim puts a weight in Eddie's backpack and throws him into the pool. 

I don't care if it was the 80's, that's some attempted murder shit right there.

So Eddie gets a little revenge when a tape he made melts helf the face of Tim's girl. Tim wisely tells Eddie to leave him the fuck alone. If he had kept to that, he would have been the only smart bully I've seen in a film. But he's not. After shit goes down and Sammi Curr's ghost starts killing off the kids at a dance, Eddie tries to stop Sammi. Spotting Tim in the hallway, he tries to get Tim to leave because of the danger, only to get pushed down. That's when Sammi strikes and for lack of a descriptive term, electrocutes Tim until his head explodes.

I've been  doing the backwards masking bit to raise a dead rock star to take out my childhood bully, but the only person I seem to get is Tiny Tim. And he won't leave.

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio is Here!

I know a lot of you are like me in that you don't just enjoy cult movies, but you enjoy the music in them as well. So I've decided to put a show together that provides cult movie music (and some cult TV music from time to time) along with some cool cult movie radio spots. Listen, enjoy, and feel free to send me requests or suggestions to wideweirdworldofcult@gmail.com .

Now stop reading and listen!

Track Listing

Intro (Street Fighter Theme)

Duel Duet (Shock Treatment) - Cliff DeYoung

The Boob Tube Radio Spot

End Credits (Buckaroo Banzai)- Michael Boddicker

Opening Title (Pieces)

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 Little Red Riding Hood (Private School) - Sam the Sham

Rocky Horror Picture Show Radio Spot

The Hell of It (Phantom of the Paradise)- Paul Williams

Casual Thing (Quicksilver) - Fiona

www.freakinawesomenetwork.com Ad

Dare (Transformers- The Movie)- Stan Bush

Pickup on 101 Radio Spot

The Boss (Black Caesar)- James Brown

Theme from Gojira (Godzilla)

Beyond the Door Radio Spot

Sounds of Unreality (City of the Living Dead)-Fabio Frizzi

Ecstasy of Gold (The Good The Bad and the Ugly) - Ennio Morricone

Wide Weird World of Cult Films Ad (shameless plug)

Dentist (Little Shop of Horrors) - Steve Martin

Ballad of Harry Warden (My Bloody Valentine) - John McDermott

Gates of Hell Radio Spot (City of the Living Dead's Alternate title)

Opening of Burial Ground

Bodyslam (Bodyslam)- Debbie Lytton

In Dreams (Blue Velvet)- Roy Orbison

Destroy All Monsters Radio Spot

You Belong to Me (The Jerk) - Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters

Show Close

Words from Buckaroo Banzai

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Director: George Milhalka

Stars: Paul Kelman, Lori Halier, Neil Affleck

Twenty Years after crazy Harry Warden started killing people on Valentine's Day, the townsfolk think it's a good idea to have a Valentine Day's dance again. Well what do you know...people start losing their hearts.

Six Things I've Learned from My Bloody Valentine

1. No matter how proud you are of your pranking skills, resist opening that door one last time.

2. I enjoy ballads about serial killing miners.

3. Acupuncture with a nail gun on list of things not to try

4. People sure like to blame Harry Warden for everything. Ripping people's hearts out? Blame Harry Warden. Dismembering idiots who go into old mines? Blame Harry. Flaming dog poop on your front porch? Get the torches and pitchforks ready.

5. Some girlfriends give great (shower) head.

6. If you freak out and put everyone's lives in danger, it's best to just cut losses and leave your ass there.