Friday, March 30, 2012

The Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)

The Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)
Directors: William Butler & Silvia St. Croix
Stars: William Butler, Paris Wagner, Mike Manning

The gingerdead man travels back in time to 1976 and carries out an epic disco killing spree.

Six Things I Learned From Gingerdead Man 3

1. There is a “Scientific Research Institute for the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods”. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man is screwed!

2. Cookies can masturbate.

3. When your friends die from hydraulic acid, it makes complete sense to spray yourself with said acid.

4. Pearl Harbor never would have happened if there were no barrel jumpers.

5. Murders take precedent to roller boogie contests.

6. Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer and Lizzie Borden hate homicidal gingerbread men.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Black Cobra VHS Artwork

"Nom Nom Nom"

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Director: George Milhalka
Stars: Paul Kelman, Lori Halier, Neil Affleck

Twenty Years after crazy Harry Warden started killing people on Valentine's Day, the townsfolk think it's a good idea to have a Valentine Day's dance again. Well what do you know...people start losing their hearts.

Six Things I've Learned from My Bloody Valentine

1. No matter how proud you are of your pranking skills, resist opening that door one last time.

2. I enjoy ballads about serial killing miners.

3. Acupuncture with a nail gun on list of things not to try

4. People sure like to blame Harry Warden for everything. Ripping people's hearts out? Blame Harry Warden. Dismembering idiots who go into old mines? Blame Harry. Flaming dog poop on your front porch? Get the torches and pitchforks ready.

5. Some girlfriends give great (shower) head.

6. If you freak out and put everyone's lives in danger, it's best to just cut losses and leave your ass there.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Clones of Bruce Lee VHS Artwork

Starring: Bruce Li
Dragon Lee
Bruce Le
Geddy Lee
Jerry Lee Lewis
David Lee Roth
Lee Majors
Lee Iacocoa
Peggy Lee
Stagger Lee
And John Carradine

Gymkata (1985)

Gymkata (1985)
Director: Robert Clouse
Stars: Kurt Thomas, Richard Norton, Tetchie Agbayani

The small country of Parmistan is the perfect setting for the American "Star Wars" program (like Endor!). The US trains and sends a gymnastics champion to go to the country and play... THE GAME! If he wins, he can ask for one request...if he loses...HE DIES! No truth to the rumor that there's a deleted scene where the shotput champion declines the offer.

Six Things I've Learned From Gymkata

1. When America needs a hero, they go to gym meets.

2. Parmistan has a small anti American bias which includes throwing drinks in faces and arrows in stomachs.

3. No matter how badass you are, crushing a man's neck with your legs wrapped around it can come off as some disturbed mating ritual.

4. The King of PArmistan has either the greatest or worst combover of all time. It's like a tidal wave on his head going from one side to another.

5. The enemy is constantly referred to as "The Other Side". They either mean Russia, or the Doors.

6. Parmistan's chief export is monstrously ugly people.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Alice Sweet Alice VHS Artwork

He will fan you...TO DEATH!

Slaughter High (1986)

Slaughter High (1986)
Dirctor(s): Peter Litten, Mark Ezra, and George Dugdale
Stars: Caroline Munro, Gary Martin, Simon Scuddamore

Eight douchebags humilate some poor dope on April Fools and end up getting half his face burnt off. He comes back for revenge five years later. I saw way too much of that dude's balls.

Six Things I've Learned From Slaughter High:

1. If your high school reunion is at an abandoned locked up high school, just go to an Applebee's instead.

2. No matter how hot you are, no one is going to buy you as a high school student at 37 years old.

3. British actors are almost as bad at doing American accents as American actors are at doing British ones. Almost.

4. When a serial killer is on the loose, it's never a good idea to take off all your clothes and sit in a bathtub. Why there's a bathtub in a high school I still don't know.

5. Picking the same shower stall you used to humiliate the serial killer 5 years earlier is the same as wearing a giant neon sign that reads "HEY KILL ME!!"

6. If you stay alive until noon, serial killers have to leave you alone. Union rules.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Godzilla Vs Biollante VHS Artwork

Godzilla vs Alien Anuses.

Samurai Cop (1989)

Samurai Cop (1989)
Director: Amir Shervan
Stars: Matt Hannon, Robert Z'Dar

Cops Joe and his facially talented partner Frank vow to take down the fearsomely mullet led Fujiyama and the rest of his inept clan.

Six Things I've Learned From Samurai Cop

1. Frank is the master of expressions.

2. Robert Z'dar as a big chinned jack in the box of death is awesome.

3. Everyone seems to share the same black speedo.

4.Drinking Game- Everytime Joe is wearing a wig, take a shot

5. The police chief is one of the greatest characters ever.

6. They sure do enjoy talking about Frank's "black gift" a lot. I mean his penis.

Slaughter in San Francisco VHS Artwork

"Hey guys, what's going on?"
Chuck Norris...Photobomb expert.

Death Nurse (1987)

Death Nurse (1987)
Director: Nick Mallard
Stars: Priscilla Alden, Albert Eskinazi

Ethel and Gordon run a home based inpatient clinic, where once you check in, you never check back out. That means they kill them.

Six Things I've Learned From Death Nurse

1. Might be the only film ever completely cast with ugly people

2. It's always best to walk patients with Tuberculosis to the clinic

3. Not everything requires a zoom in.

4. Always keep your pets away from the operating table.

5. Conway Twitty in a nightgown may not be the best choice for a sexy siren.

6. No matter how many times you dream about another movie, you'll always be stuck in Death Nurse.