Friday, November 30, 2012

Final Exam VHS Cover

Stacey had no trouble getting an A in her Final Exam for "Murdering 70's TV Stars 101". Erik Estrada was not as pleased.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Hellraiser (1987)

Hellraiser (1987)
Director: Clive Barker
Stars: Doug Bradley, Ashley Lawrence, Andrew Robinson

Uncle Frank is a bastard. He was the former lover of his brother's wife Julia. Not smart. He also liked playing around with odd puzzle boxes. Really dumb. The box opens and S & M demons come out and rip his flesh off. Fucking stupid. Now Frank's back and he wants Julia to help him become more than a skull and spine combination by killing other guys and drinking their blood (in a manner of speaking). The Cenobites are not amused. A fan is then filled with feces as it is hit.

Six Things I've Learned from Hellraiser

1. Pinhead claims to have "such sights to show me" but all I see is twirling boxes with ears pinned to it and chains with hooks. Disneyland this ain't.

2.  When I watched this on videotape, there was an a great ad for Hellraiser merchandise with a little old lady. That Hellraiser satin jacket would have looked Sa-WEET on me.

3. I just now realized that the dad was the awesome Scorpio in Dirty Harry. I realize this as he blows up. In my face indeed.

4. When people are told to look at their loved one's inner self, I don't think it included the muscle groups and entrails.

5. When it comes down to Uncle Frank and the Cenobites, I'm firmly on the side of the inhuman pincushion.

6. I'll keep my sexual deviationsat a safe level. A chicken, two pounds of mayo, and a wetsuit.

BONUS: Here's the video I mentioned in number 2!


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Stone Fox VHS Cover

I'LL say he is! *drool*

ThanksKilling 3 (2012)

ThanksKilling 3 (2012)
Director: Jordan Downey
Stars: Daniel Usaj, Joe Hartzler, Preston Altree, Jordan Downey

Fowl-mouthed villain Turkie carves through the likes of a rapping grandma, a mindless puppet, a wig-wearing inventor, a bisexual space worm, and their equally ridiculous friends on his quest to recover the last copy of "ThanksKilling 2".

Six Things I Learned from ThanksKilling 3
1) Turkeys can fly spaceships.

2) Turkeys can steal souls.

3) Thanksgiving is not about family. It's about the slaughtering of turkeys.

4) Anybody who watched "ThanksKilling 2" is under Turkie's spell. Just like "Gigli" with Ben Affleck.

5) The portal to space is through a robot's ass.

6) If you lose your dick, it's wise to replace it with a chainsaw.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Street Trash (1987)

Street Trash (1987)
Director: J. Michael Muro
Stars: Pat Ryan, James Lorinz, Tony Darrow

Do you think that all homeless people are poor lost souls who just need a hand? Well not if you watch this film. Everyone in this film (except for the tough as nails cop) is a pretty scummy character and I welcomed each death. A liquor store owner finds a hidden case of booze that he sells to his mostly homeless clientele for a buck. Sounds like a deal? Not when you're melting and looking like what happens when you mash all the playdoh colors together and throw some of your big brother's He-Man slime pit slime on top.

There's also some story about some crazy Nam vet homeless guy who runs the junkyard. And everyone's ugly. No wonder Lloyd Kaufman hates this film.

Six Things I've Learned from Street Trash

1. When you're done with your drunken date, take the time to take her home, instead of passing out and having her be carried away by the homeless version of Freaks.

2. A great business practice is to constantly insult your customers and call them every vile name you can think of. Flyers help too. Flyers with vulgarities.

3. It is police procedure to throw up on criminals after catching them.

4. If you see a large black man with a gas mask start stuffing his pants with meat, I'd just let him keep it.

5. I gotta admit, there's some damn good deaths in this film.

6. I was just on the verge of hating this film until the odd subplot about the restaurant owner (mob movie guy Darrow) trying to kill his employee (Frankenhooker's Lorinz). The ending to this film (and the song that plays over the credits) made it worth my time.

Shock Waves VHS Cover

"If only I had floating arms of my own".

I love the fact that this has nothing to do with this film whatsoever. People renting this would expect it to be an erotic thriller about zombies in the water attacking/making love to Baywatch models while the floating head of Peter Cushing watches in disappointment.

Doctor Detroit (1983)

Doctor Detroit (1983)
Director: Michael Pressman
Stars: Dan Aykroyd, Fran Drescher, Howard Hesseman, Donna Dixon,

A timid college professor, conned into posing as a flamboyant pimp, finds himself enjoying his new occupation on the streets.

Six Things I Learned from Doctor Detroit

1. Dan Aykroyd has nice legs for a geek.

2. Limo services moonlight as prostitution rings.

3. Business meetings take place at graveyards at midnight.

4. Dan Aykroyd’s worst nightmare is his mother becoming a hooker.

5. Pimps look like Inspector Gadget villains.

6. James Brown endorses pimps.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)
Director: John Cameron Mitchell
Stars: John Cameron Mitchell, Miriam Shor, Michael Pitt

Hedwig is the story of a transsexual rock star wrongly ripped off of her music by the mega popular Tommy Gnosis (Pitt). We learn about her story, we follow her from town to town as she follows him, and ultimately she finds the one person she's needed to look for all along...herself. 

Genuinely one of my favorite films, the music in this by Stephen Trask is awesome. First time director Mitchell gives Hedwig this funny semi-tragic life filled with vibrant colors. Also he looks pretty damn good as a woman....shut up.

Six Things I've Learned From Hedwig and the Angry Inch

1. Barbie doll crotch is not a good idea if you wish to remain sexually active. 

2. With some christmas lights, a saw, and some rope you too can turn your trailer into your own traveling stage show. Keytar not included.

3. I would have liked to seen a film about the Korean women who were Hedwig's first band. They rocked.

4. Midnight Radio may be one of the best songs ever put together.

5. Don't put a bra in the dryer because it'll warp. Also don't cut your ding dong off for some army guy.

6. I am not the only person talking with Phil Collins' people. That lying bastard.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #18!!

In a out of this world (or at least out of the studio) adventure, Dan and Marty (along with Dracula) are kidnapped by Eros from Plan 9 From Outer Space! Will our stupid, stupid minds be able to comprehend the alien's plan 10!? We also find out Dracula likes the movie Friday.

Listen Here!

Track Listing

Show Opening (there's a light)
Plan 9 From Outer Space Theme
Midnight Radio (John Cameron Mitchell/Stephen Trask) - Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Star Wars Disco - Meco
LaserBlast Trailer
Believe it Or Not (Greatest American Hero) - Joey scarbury
Challenge of the Superfriends Theme
Martial Outlaw Trailer
Segment One (The Abduction)
Silence of the Lambs Trailer
Goodbye Horses (Silence of the Lambs) - Q Larzzarus 
Monster in My Pants - Fred Schneider 
Old Souls (Phantom of the Paradise)- Jessica Harper
Dawn of the Dead Trailer
Dr. Detroit (Doctor Detroit) - Devo
 Main Theme - Siren Blood Curse
Segment Two (Eros insults Dan)
Wreck-It Ralph - Buckner and Garcia
Que Sera Sera (Heathers) - Sly and the Family Stone
Liddsville Theme
Closing (Plan 10 thwarted)
Little Black Dress (Shock Treatment) - Jessica Harper

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Full Moon High (1981)

Full Moon High (1981)

Director: Larry Cohen
Stars: Adam Arkin, Roz Kelly, Ed McMahon, Alan Arkin, Bob Saget

A teenager (Adam Arkin) becomes a werewolf after a family vacation in Transylvania.
Six Things I Learned from Full Moon High
1. The coach showers with his underage students.

2. In Romania, getting mauled by a wolf is as common as getting run over.

3. Werewolves can’t play football. Try basketball instead.

4. Punching a person at their father’s funeral is in bad taste.

5. Cops believe apes are werewolves.

6. Due to inflation, it takes eight silver bullets to kill a werewolf.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Hellroller (1992)

Hellroller (1992)
Director: Gary J. Levinson
Stars: Ron Littman, Michelle Bauer, Penny Arcade

In this shot on video "film", and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible, a homeless man in a wheelchair snaps and kills people. That's it. Wheelchair homicide. If there wasn't boobs in this, it would beat out Death Nurse as the worst film I've ever seen. 

Six Things I've Learned from Hellroller

1. Spent all your money on the boobs? That's alright. Just cut away and then plop some red glob on the actor. Problem solved!

2. Johnny Legend does a great Tommy Chong impression.

3. I know she did it for money, but do you think Michelle Bauer is embarrassed for being in this shit? I like to think she is. "Get naked for your camcorder? Sure!"

4. Eugene (the wheelchair guy) is a bad partner. He promises his stupid new murder buddy (played by the director) he can have his way with the women victims but the first one comes along and Eugene has to kill him. If that's not enough, his victim is stupid enough to help him!

5. Don't want to show passage of time? Just have the actors leave and then renter the scene. NEW DAY!

6.  Eugene has more mood swings than a 13 year old girl.