Tuesday, October 29, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die - The Top 5!

Here we are, the top five that I personally feel deserve the fates that God (and the screenwriters) gave to them. 

#5 - Mr. Alphonso The Creepy Fat Pedo from Alice Sweet Alice

This movie disturbs me. Maybe it's the rare sight of seeing a kid get killed in a horror film. maybe it's the sister of the dead kid, whom while actually over 18, would probably illicit the fantasies of many a sick child lovin bastard. 

Nah, it's Mr. Alphonso.

Looking an awful lot like a cross between Divine minus the makeup and Grimice from McDonalds, he just comes off as seriously unsettling. Having him surrounded by cute kittens doesn't help either.

#4 - TJ and Leelee (Really?) from Killer Nerd

You have to give me a moment here...I JUST found out that one of the character's names is Leelee. The hell kind of name is that!?

Okay, I'm better now. 

These two thugs harass and beat up our hero Harold Kunkle for no reason other than he's what the uncouth may call a "nerd". I see nothing wrong with being a nerd, but I do find something wrong with beating the shit out of a defenseless guy and making him refer to himself as a sissy boy. Harold agrees because he snaps and starts killing off everyone who has been mean to him...and I applaud it every step of the way.

Now mind you, I'm not advocating murder (despite making a list advocating that very thing), but sometimes a movie just has to tell the little guy that yeah, you can also strap sticks of dynamite to your enemies' heads and make em explode! 

God bless you Harold Kunkle.

#3 - That Bitchy Chris Hargensen from Carrie

I'm not talking about the remake...I feel they should only remake awful movies and try to get them right. Manos remake anyone? 

No, I'm talking about the 1976 classic. Chris and her group of bitchy mcbitches like to torment poor Carrie because she's naive and her mom is a raving religious nutjob. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine was fighting back against this asshole in high school who was already balding and telling him to meet me after school for a fight. He never showed. Yay me! For Carrie, it was when Chris and the dreamy John Travolta dump pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. Instead of fighting against male pattern baldness man like I did, she used her kinetic powers to murder everyone.

Is it overkill? Perhaps. But hey, they deserved it. I got issues, man.

#2 - The Criminally Unfunny Howard from My Bloody Valentine

Well, here's the second My Bloody Valentine character that I felt needed to be on this list. I originally had him at number one, but he just wasn't as worthy as my real number one. 

Howard's the guy you have in your group that tries to be goofy and funny, but comes off as sad and pathetic. It's no shock that this type of character (see previous entry Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3) is always single. They think doing things like faking being killed and causing old ladies to nearly have heart attacks is a hoot. 

He also shows his true colors when the kids are in the mines and find out Harry Warden's on the loose down there. Does he stay and help protect the wimmin folk? Nope, the little bitch runs off into the darkness. He's not seen again until the group (or what's left of them) tries to climb the longest ladder in history to escape. Even then he's just..."hanging around".

Oh God, I may be this very cliche! HELP!

#1 - Kendall's Penis from Pieces

Now I'm aware that it may be a radical idea to put someone's anatomy at the top of a list of horror characters, but it makes sense. Let me explain.

Kendall is a man whore. With his nerdy grandpa sweaters, to his white man's afro, and his inability to fight worth a shit, it's easy to see why the ladies flock to him. But you see, Kendall is ruled by his penis (who does make an appearance in this film). Hopping around sticking himself in places he knows he won't commit to...that penis has broken a lot of hearts on campus.

The killer in Pieces was killing off lovely coeds for body parts in order to make himself a patchwork date. It stands to reason that some of the poor victims had also been victims to Kendall's raging hard on. So when Kendall reaches over to grab his coat, it's like his penis is taunting the pieces of his former conquests by waving himself in their "faces" so to speak. They react in the manner you'll see in this clip. Hell hath no fury like a dead woman puzzle scorned.

That's it for the countdown this year! I like to thank all of you for reading, suggesting, and being downright pleasant. I'm giving you all a treat next month as I have declared November as Awful Movie Month. 30 days of me torturing myself for your amusement! Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 25, 2013

VHSapalooza: The Return!

Thought I'd put some more of our recent purchases up. Actually these were FREE since sadly the place we went for VHS tapes had a bad fire. The owner wanted us to take as many as we wanted for free because of the space. They plan on rebuilding...hopefully with more tapes.

As before, bonus shots will be up on our Facebook page and our Twitter page. So Like or Follow us to see em!

Here's one for your crayons and your pencils!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #10 - #6

As usual, I found myself running out of time when doing a Halloween list, so we'll split the top ten into two posts. Let's get with the killings!

#10 - Overgrown Fat Man-Child Walter from Memorial Valley Massacre

I don't know about you guys, but if there was a huge line of people waiting to go camping and I was in it, I would look over my priorities to see where I went horribly wrong. Have to be honest, I haven't even seen the whole movie but this one character immediately stood out in a cast filled with repugnant people.

Fat Man-Child Walter wants to fuck up the eco system by riding his shitty 3 wheeler around the forrest. the "good guys" takes his keys and doing his best Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure impression, tries to get mommy and daddy to get em back...to no avail. So what does he do? Why he breaks in and steals the keys back (also stealing a gold watch as well)! 

So Fat Man-Child Walter is driving along, ruining picnics and basically being a fat bastard when he seemingly scares a fucking caveman. Yup, a caveman. The caveman is either pissed off or scared (can't tell with the billy bob teeth in) and he helps the audience by taking the fat fuck out.

Quick question...why do movies insist on making these obese characters wear the shortest of shorts? Who jerking off to that?

#9 - Richard Vickers from Creepshow

It takes a hell of an actor to make me want to root FOR Ted Danson, but Leslie Nielsen did it. I admit that finding out your wife is sleeping around will piss you off, and you have every right to beat the hell out of the guy who is boning her, but Vickers here takes it too far with the sadistic (yet imaginative) burying them up to their necks in the sand while they drown deaths. Of course being Creepshow, he couldn't just get away with such dastardly actions. The undead aquatic couple return and give ol' Vickers a taste of his own medicine.

I don't care for anthologies, but Creepshow is one of the best, and this one may be my favorite of the five stories. Nielsen was such an underrated actor because of his later comedy roles, but man he could play a mean asshole.


#8 - Happy the Bartender from My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine is my favorite Canadian slasher film. Hands down. It's also the only movie that makes it on this list twice. Let's view the lesser of two annoying dickheads.

Happy the Bartender is just a miserable fuck. I'm sure Happy's not his real name, most likely one of those nicknames that people give to other people that mean the exact opposite. That means I'd be calling the guy at #10 on the list Slim.

Happy warns the kids about Harry Warden, but they're in their late teens - early twenties and think they know it all, so they laugh him off. Happy ain't happy no more. So Happy decides to play a prank on the young horny miners (as opposed to minors). He's waaaay too proud of his lame gag of "Harry Warden" popping out of the door, because he tests the prank over and over, giggling like a japanese schoolgirl selling her panties to an overweight balding 40 something businessman. He starts walking away but has to open the door ONE MORE TIME...and dies. Now you'll never know how the joke went, asshole.

I'm showing the uncut death because Happy deserves it.

#7 - Maddy from Blood Rage

I REALLY don't like Louise Lasser. I think she's a real nutbag. Tha being said, I also think she's a good actress when she wants to be. This movie shows off her skills of playing an insane woman who has two sons, one a psychopathic killer, and the other in the nuthouse because of his psycho twin.

All through the movie, she wallows around, drinking, sitting on the floor and eating out of the fridge (and who hasn't done that?) and despite evidence to the contrary, still thinks the wrong one is the "good son". 

The ending of the movie is that Maddy kills the evil son by shooting him a number of times. She then consoles the good son and tells him she's the reason she's living. Well surprise surprise, she shot her favorite (the evil one), so the old nutbag puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger, making it the only good thing that's gone into her brain. Lord knows I've wanted to do that watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

#6 - Tim from Trick or Treat

I hate me some high school bullies. I had a fat dumbass redneck who used to torture me in high school by calling me gay (he used a much more offensive word) because my best friend was male. Seriously, that's how stupid he was (probably still is). So there's a bit of pleasure I get from seeing the school bully get what's coming to him....and boy does our #6 get it.

Tim is the popular jock. His main studies seem to be to pick on the heavy metal kid Eddie. Side note: I was also one of those headbanging kids, just not into leather. Made my ass look big. 

So what puts Tim onto this list is because of what he does at a pool party. Eddie shows up because a pretty girl asks him to go. Not trying to set him up, she's just a nice person. But she's late so when Eddie shows up, there's Tim and his towel to ass buddies, who decide to make Eddie leave. Before Eddie is dragged out, Tim puts a weight in Eddie's backpack and throws him into the pool. 

I don't care if it was the 80's, that's some attempted murder shit right there.

So Eddie gets a little revenge when a tape he made melts helf the face of Tim's girl. Tim wisely tells Eddie to leave him the fuck alone. If he had kept to that, he would have been the only smart bully I've seen in a film. But he's not. After shit goes down and Sammi Curr's ghost starts killing off the kids at a dance, Eddie tries to stop Sammi. Spotting Tim in the hallway, he tries to get Tim to leave because of the danger, only to get pushed down. That's when Sammi strikes and for lack of a descriptive term, electrocutes Tim until his head explodes.

I've been  doing the backwards masking bit to raise a dead rock star to take out my childhood bully, but the only person I seem to get is Tiny Tim. And he won't leave.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Recent VHS Purchasealooza!

While I work on the final two articles for the Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die (#10-#6 and #5-#1) I thought it'd be cool to show you some of the recent VHS purchases me and my better half have made in the last few weeks.

I love VHS tapes. Sure I have a pretty good collection of DVD's and such and enjoy em, there's something about watching a VHS tape that gives me the warm and fuzzies (I checked with a doctor...it's not contagious). Besides the stuff like the old logos, the goofy coming attractions for horrible films, and of course the FBI warning, there's quite a few things that's out that haven't seen the light of day as a DVD (or the DVD came and went and now goes for hundreds of dollars).

These are just a few pictures of the more than 80 VHS tapes we've bought in the last month (at a quarter a pop). Most of these are rentals, and quite a few those screeners they sent to video stores, only to have the cheapass video store use them as rentals. 

I'll also be posting a few to my facebook page (Which is right here) and to the WWWofCF's Twitter page (In this direction) so Like and add us for more goodies!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #11 - The Kupfer Family from Halloween 3

#11-the Kupfer Family - The Nuclear Family You Wanna Bomb

Halloween 3 takes a lot of shit from people because that lameass Michael Myers isn't in it. But yet shit like parts 4 - 800 get a pass. Screw that noise. I thought it was brilliant to spin another Halloween type story instead of the now traditional "mute guy walks around stabbing morons" narrative. A guy has to go stop this evil mask making bastard from killing off all the kids and taking over the world. Not entirely sure how killing kids would enable you to rule the world, but the man had a plan damn it.

But this movie isn't without it's faults. The story is a little hokey at times, and that fucking Silver Shamrock song is among the most annoying "jingles" ever created. But the big argument against the movie is a little three person unit called the Kupfers.

Take all the irritating personality traits from the 80's, roll up em into a ball, and have them have sweaty stinky unromantic sex until a bastard kid splinters off from them and you'll have the Kupfers. Let's look at the three strikes against them.

1. They almost kill the lead character right off the bat. Dr. Challis is a man who should be commended for investigating the evil goings on in the town of Santa Mira. Now realize that Dr. Challis is not only stressed out at being an awesome doctor, but his nagging ex-wife is constantly bothering him to do things with the kids. Look kids, you should be honored to come from such hallowed seed. 

Anyway, Dr. Awesome Challis and his hot young friend arrive at the motel when this monstrosity of an RV almost kills the good doctor! Sure they apologize, but I knew it was insincere.

2. The dad makes a living selling shitty halloween masks to kids. He probably sold other trinkets like fake vomit, and that stuff that makes it look like smoke is coming from your fingertips (Man that shit stunk something fierce) , but this guy sold the most masks that year. A person who sells that many masks MUST HAVE NO MORALS! I'm just glad he saw what effect those masks were going to have on kids by watching wild kingdom come out of his kid's ugly face.

3. I...I really don't have a number 3, so ..uh...let me think...OH! I heard once at the Christmas party Buddy (the dad's name) place of work threw every year that he had unprotected sex with the new receptionist. She thought it was the hot mail runner, but because he was wearing a mask she didn't know. Turns out she got pregnant, and Buddy refused to take a paternity test and he got her fired so she had to clean houses while working as a flamenco teacher. 

That bastard child grew up to be Shia Labeouf.

Here's their deaths.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #12 - Captain Rhodes from Day of the Dead

#12 Captain Rhodes - Biggest Asshole Left Alive

Day of the Dead is my favorite of the series. NOTL gets played so much it's lost all luster for me, and while I love the shopping mall interior of Dawn of the Dead (I'm a sucker for malls), it kinda lags at times. This one is a bit more realistic in that the people you're stuck with aren't always the people you WANT to be stuck with.

Enter Captain Rhodes.

Yes, the soldiers in this movie are portrayed as macho immature assholes, but Rhodes is head and shoulders above them all. No wonder his hair is dandruff free. Let's look at the three strikes that makes us all happy to see his demise.

1. His Hostile Takeover - The phrase "who died and left you boss of us" has never been more apt than in the situation in Day of the Dead. He might have a case seeing that it was 95% of EARTH that died and left him boss, but he doesn't have to be a raving dick about it. Rhodes and his gang of giggling goofs were sent to protect the scientists who were working on a way to fix the sudden outbreak of being dead and lovin it, until Rhodes decides to take matters into his own hands. To be in a position of leadership, one must have the charisma and social skills needed to effectively lead...which brings us to...

2. He's a raving psycho - While there may be several examples of psychos who have ruled, history has shown us that very few of them last too long in power. The fact that there's a massive horde of zombies waiting to overthrow your entrails tends to speed that process along.

Instead of trying to get everyone to work together, he seems more concerned about waving his floppy dick about and showing  that like Tony Danza, he's the boss. At one point he threatens to shoot one of the scientists if she doesn't sit down. Sitting down! He not only wants to make the decisions, he wants to control our daily functions as well! What's next, does he tell them how many wipes they have to make to get all the shit off their asses? Geez.

3. He pissed off Bub - Bub's a lovable zombie. He likes talking on the phone, saluting folks, and an occasional kidney from a dead soldier. So of course DICKtator Rhodes can't have any of that and fills Bub's only chum full of bullets. It's not like that soldier was really using that kidney!

This ends up biting Rhodes in the ass after the zombies get in the building and start munching on his buddies. As he's trying to get away, Bub, armed with a pistol, starts shooting at Rhodes with pretty good accuracy. After Rhodes makes the worst Let's Make A Deal play and opens a door filled with zombies, Bub gives him one more bullet and Rhodes gently falls into the arms of some loving zombies....who tears his lower half and walks away with it.

If a zombie (a creature that pretty much can't think) ends up getting a gun and actively shoots your ass,  that's a pretty good indication that you're a giant asshole.

Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die... by alabastertnt

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #13 - Shelly from Friday The 13th Part 3

#13 Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3 - Not the Third Wheel, the Flat Tire

I have to be honest, when several people mentioned they wanted to see Shelly on this list, I felt a little bad. Both Wednesday's Child and I have a bit of a soft spot for Shelly...my own reason being that I know what it's like to be the odd man out. It sucks, and some people react to it differently. But as I was reviewing the footage for the video below, it slowly started making sense WHY they demanded this character be included on this list. 

So let's look at the three strikes against Shelly...and no, his girly name isn't one of them.

His social skills. Well more accurately, his lack of social skills. So I get it, not a lot of people like you. I hate it because during high school, I wasn't exactly Mister Wonderful. Hell, I wasn't even Mister Mediocre. But one thing I did know was that people aren't going to like you better when you constantly scare the shit out of them. Hey, fake stabbing your buddy might be cool with him, but that hot blind date you were put into might not appreciate you falling out of the closet playing dead. That's more of a stomach churner than a panty moistener. I can't believe I even typed that.

He is a giant pansy. Being unattractive is one thing. I mean, it is a point against you to be a white man with an Epstein Welcome Back Kotter 'fro. It's another to have that 'fro and have the backbone of Horshack (who oddly enough, dies in a later Jason flick). Sure he gets a minor victory over some jerkoff bikers, but notice he has to be behind  a big moving piece of metal in order to get that courage. Way to impress Jean Claude Van Dumbass.

He's a horrible friend. Not only does he fuck up his blind date by being whiny and needy, not only does he causes tons of damage to his friend's car on purpose, but the one thing...the thing that made me want to see him croak is this...

He juggles.

Who the fuck passes the time juggling!? And in front of a live stoned audience. This ain't no circus de soleil moon frye...it's fucking Camp Crystal Lake, motherfucker! It was that point that I want him disemboweled. That doesn't happen, but there is a pretty neat boy who cries wolf moment when one lady doesn't fall for his fake death prank...only it's not fake this time.

Shelly may be a wimp, an anti social juggling asshole, a destroyer of friend's cars, and an all around unfunny prankster, but he DID give us one thing that we can all thank him for...the Hockey Mask. Thanks for that you useless ass.

Little note here, seems Paramount didn't like me having this series of clips up on youtube so I changed it to Dailymotion (and if that's taken down somewhere else). I just am amused that Paramount and Friday the 13th would want to be associated with Jeff Katz, but not with me. Oh well.

Friday, October 4, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #14 - Old Man from Night Of The Demons

#14 Old Man from Night Of The Demons - Get Off My Lawn and Die!

I know it's not easy to like the youth of the 80's. They are rude, crude, and as it said on several t-shirts, full of attitude. I was one of those kids myself and I got to admit, if I saw my younger self, I'd wanna punch him in the face as well. But there's a limit to what you should do. Spray em with a hose? Fine. Threaten to call the cops? Sometimes effective. Plot their deaths? We might need to talk.

Night of the Demons is a fun crazy movie about morons at a party getting possessed and/or killed. It also has the great "let's hide the lipstick inside my nipple" scene. Sorta bookended on either side of this story is a sub plot about this old man who hates kids. I mean REALLY hates them. I'd be pissed if some fat ass mooned me in a moving vehicle or if some Jersey jackoff waved a fake rat in my face, but there's no need to be mean to the dumb vacant girl with nice knockers because you got issues with today's youth. That's one strike against this old man.

But this stick waving bastard has a plan. He plans on putting razor blades into the Halloween treats of the youth! Now while I almost understand this man's rage, there's a real flaw in his logic. Unless there's some shit going on that's not on film, the only kids that are bothering this guy are at least 20 years old. They aren't going trick or treating. It's the little kids that are going to suffer because some asshole in a shitty car decides to show this old man his bloomers. Strike two.

But here's the reason I think he deserves to die. It's not because he hates kids. It's not even the fact that he's planning to kill kids. It's this...

This Old Man is putting razor blades in APPLES!

That's right, fruit. On par with getting pennies or a fucking pencil, kids go trick or treating to get candy, not fruit. I'd let it slide if it was coated in some diabetes causing syrupy goodness, but noooooo. It's just plain old apples. What, ran out of pears? Ate all those gross black and orange candies? THIS is why this old man needs to die. And he does, thanks to a great twist concerning the old man's wife. 

You rock old lady...you fucking rock.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #15 - Pepe from Ghosthouse

Last year, I picked fifteen of my favorite horror movie moments, and since people like lists, I thought I'd try this again. I didn't want to do something like Top Ten Horror Villains That Show Up on Every List., because that's lazy. I mean I'm a lazy bastard, but not THAT lazy. I wanna EARN that Top fifteen list. So I decided to make a list of those special characters in horror movies that you want to see die. Beheaded, disemboweled, or just shot in the face, their misery puts a little tingle in my pants. 

Now that I've disgusted you all, here's the criteria I set for myself.

1. It has to be a horror movie
2. It has to be a character that I hate
 3. I have to post a video of this character dying

Sounds simple to me! Let's get on with the countdown!

#15  Pepe from Ghosthouse - Moviedom's Most Unlikable Hitchhiker

If you're familiar with this movie, you know there's plenty of loathesome characters in it. From our ham radio lovin hero, to the girly screams of Jim Daylen, everyone here deserves death. But one man tops them all. I'm talking about Pepe, the useless hitchhiker.

My main beef about Pepe isn't how annoying he is (and trust me, that asshole has made it an artform) it's that there is no reason for this guy to be in the movie. At least HAM MAN and Jimmy "Girl Scream" Daylen have a reason for being there. This guy is like the jerkoff that's behind you in the theater talking nonstop deciding he'd rather ruin the movie by being IN it rather than just kicking your seat for two hours.

Pepe pretty much hitches a ride from the main characters, annoys them with his fake skeleton hand until they drop him off in someone's random yard, and disappears for a while. Later on he shows up at the ghost house by pretending to attack one of the other characters. Pepe's lucky he didn't have that skeleton hand of his shoved up his ass. The guy's such a freeloader he'd probably consider it a free prostate exam.

So he decides to stay at the ghost house. We don't see him again until one of the other characters find him standing up against a door dead. Because he has such a dopey look on his face the entire movie, it took me a sec to realize he was dead. I did a little dance. It was pretty sweet.

I don't know how he died, but I'm hoping he was annoyed to death. That would be fitting.