Monday, December 15, 2014

Tabloid (1985)

Tabloid (1985)
Director: Bret McCormick, Matt Devlen
Stars: Lisa Loeb, Glen Coburn, Scott Davis

One problem of having so many movies is that I'm not always sure WHAT the movie is about. This shows that I am in fact a hoarder, but instead of stacks and stacks of knick-knacks featuring Elvis in bejeweled jumpsuits on them, I hoard obscure movies. So going through some of these "films" I noticed one that caught my eye, so I decided to watch and review it.

This was a mistake.

Seeing Bret McCormick's name, I should have been tipped off that this was going to suck. McCormick wrote and directed some of the worst AIP (Action International Pictures) movies put to videotape. But seeing this was his first film, I thought "Hey, maybe he shot his wad early and went downhill". I don't think he had a wad to shoot.

Tabloid is a comedy anthology that spoofs things like the Weekly World News. They have three stories all telling a backstory to some tabloid headline, which I admit is a good premise. Too bad every story sucks (doubly so in the last one). The movie starts with aliens kidnapping an aerobics instructor holding classes in Buffalo Bill's basement. I was wondering where this was going to go, but much like everything else in this film, it  goes nowhere. It's never even mentioned again What a waste of time.

We then go to the offices of the World Investigator, a sleazy tabloid where it looks like a secretary is training the new reporter. We get to meet the cranky owner and find out her backstory. They were really pushing the hell out of these characters. So of course after the admittedly original credits (complete with theme song) and a few shorts scenes, we set up the first story and never EVER see these people again. Quit playing games with my heart you asshole!

Much like I did with Tales From the Quadead Zone, I'll go over each story individually.

Baby Born With Full Beard AKA Hey, Let's Kill That Drug Dealer!

 This story has a guy selling weed to some moron. The weed is no good, so moron and his cousin Rambo (yes, Rambo) and some nameless bastard decide to kill him. Too bad they never met his pregnant gun toting wife or her hideous Family Feud lovin' momma.
- Never buy pot from a guy whose idea of a good time is sitting on his car drinking beer. It may seem like fun, but before you know it, yer 40.

- If you need to smoke an entire bag of pot before realizing that you got ripped off, maybe you don't need to smoke it. You need those remaining brain cells to do things like walk and scratch your ass.

- Come for the stereotypes, stay for the awful southern accents.

-The one funny moment in this happens when the nameless bastard suggests they rape the shit out of the mother. The other two guys are like "She's all yours, bubba." Yep, A rape joke is the funniest thing in this story. Think about that.

- After a pregnant lady shoots your cousin Rambo from a speeding car, maybe it's time to just call it a day and cut your losses. By losses I mean the pot, not Rambo. He's a schmuck.

After the drug dealin shotgun shooting family kills the people who were fucking wronged in a bad drug deal, the woman gives the bearded kid. Yep. All that useless fucking backstory for a 5 second shot of a bearded baby. 


A dead guy comes back and invites his dead neighbors over for a barbeque. He gets upset that they were just sitting there in their coffins rotting and leaves. The sun comes up and they die again. That's it. 

- The zombie/dead makeup was pretty effective. The blackened eyes kinda gave me the creeps.

 I don't really have anything else to add. This story didn't give us ANY backstory to this. Hey, how about not giving us the tabloid owner's entire goddamn history and put those few minutes to use explaining what the fuck is going on in this shitcicle of a story! 

There's one more!? FUCK.

Killer Vacuum Destroys Town AKA Don't Piss Off Your Stepdaughter

A weatherman is correctly predicting tornadoes. Is he Criswell? No, he doesn't have his style, but he does have a daughter who is giving him the tornado information. How does she know? And why are we watching her get abused by some harpy with a mole? We actually do find out for once. Doesn't mean it's any good though.

- Very weird to see Lisa Loeb in this. She's the daughter who ends up (spoiler..oh who gives a shit) creating tornadoes using vacuums. How this is happening is of course never explained.

- Is there really a need on the networks for a goofy natural disaster predicting weatherman in a stupid bow tie?

-Why the hell do we need to watch two tv stations techs interact with each other for at least 5 minutes?! They add nothing to the story or plot. I don't care that the guy is never gonna score with the woman. Even if he has a whoopee cushion. We all know that's a panty dropper.

- Please have the guy with the awful speech impediment say "The tornados in your housth" 17 more times. It never gets old...or funny.

- Why did they need to stretch the stepmother's death out by 10 minutes? Couldn't you have used those ten minutes for something useful like refunding everyone's rental fee who got suckered into watching this!?

Maybe I'm being too picky, but I like my comedies to be, you know, funny. Not even a late scene where President Reagan buys one of the tabloids is enough to move my chuckle meter (bought it at Radio Shack). The cinematography was fine, but the writing and the dialogue came off like two middle schoolers giggling at their own jokes. Jokes no rational human being would find humorous. No wonder nobody tried to review this film. I'm the only one stupid enough to watch it!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Abby (1974)

Abby (1974)
Director: William Girdler
Stars: William Marshall, Carol Speed, Austin Stoker

From the man who brought the world such classics as Three On A Meathook and Grizzly comes this Exorcist ripoff made Blaxploitation style. A marriage counselor married to a pastor gets possessed  by the horniest demon around. It's up to the pastor's dad (who coincidentally released said horny demon) to get midevil on this demon's hind end.

Out of all the Exorcist ripoffs, this was the only one that got successfully sued by Warner Brothers and got shelved after only a short time in theaters (where it grossed 4 million). It's not a bad ripoff per say, much better than some of the Italian ripoffs, and you can tell Speed really enjoys hamming it up as the possessed Abby. Eh, it entertained me, but I'm entertained by test patterns and informercials starring washed up celebrities.

Things I Took From Abby

- Never open a box that has an evil deity carved into it, especially if you have to twist the deity's hard on to open it. 

- You're not fully aroused in the shower unless you're zestfully aroused...oh and there's a demon in there with you.

-  I wonder how the demon got there so fast. maybe he caught a commercial flight. had to sit in front of an annoying woman and her bratty kid kicking the seat. Probably didn't even get a free bag of those tiny peanuts. No wonder he's pissed.

- I feel Abby's pain. When I'm cutting up raw chicken, I get so turned on I have to cut myself too. Now if it was turkey, she'd just be a weirdo.

- Dress yourself in nothing but a tiny towel, expect to be kicked in the balls. The more you know.

-  If you're doing marriage counseling, ripping open your shirt and wanting to "fuck the shit out of" someone is not really a good way to get one's point across. Show them a diagram first. Maybe a slideshow.

- Love that the nightclub looks like someone's living room. Adding ugly ass wallpaper and a tiny disco ball can't hide that fact.

- The demon in exorcist was scary, this one just looks like Abby dressed up like the incredible hulk. You wouldn't like her when she's horny.

- The best part was the Bishop performing the exorcism on Abby. Whereas in the Exorcist, they were confident but scared,  in Abby, the Bishop is one cool cat. He's openly mocking this demon like "Hey, if you're this big bad demon, you wouldn't be laying your jive ass on the ground while my groovy self is running the show". I mean, he didn't say it like that, but I knew what he meant.

- William Marshall was really someone I felt could have been used a lot more in movies. Hell, you got a guy there who could act, and also always came off with class. He could have been like a Christopher Lee of American horror in my opinion. Oh well, at least he was the King of Cartoons.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Fairy Tales (1978)

Fairy Tales (1978)
Director: Harry Hurwitz
Stars: Don Sparks, Sy Richardson, Linnea Quigley

As with most sex comedies, this one is pretty straight forward. A prince on his 21st birthday must find a woman that can get him "excited". So he sets off to Fairy Land where he meets a bunch of famous children's book characters doing things I ain't never read about. Maybe in Playboy, but I just look at that for the ads.

For a young man growing up and starting to really notice girls, waking up after my parents went to bed, sneaking my way to the living room, and seeing this on late night cable was like hitting the boner jackpot. I hadn't seen this movie in at least 25 years, but it brought back some fond (and slightly embarrassing) memories.

Although there is lots and lots of full frontal nudity in this, the way this is all presented makes it come off less sleazy than just goofy. Outside of a few lame risque jokes, and of course fully naked women, there's nothing really offensive here. Fun and harmless.

Things I Took from Fairy Tales

- This movie reminds me that Professor Irwin Corey is still alive at 100! I wonder if he watches this on a loop.

- Naked Angela Aames as Little Bo Peep? DEAR GOD YES PLEASE!!

- Odd thing to notice while tits are on screen every 15 seconds, but Don Sparks, who plays our hero the Prince, does a really good job in the role. Has a real everyman quality to him. He's done a ton of TV work since then.

- I think if you had a sex comedy at any time during the 70's (and early 80's) there has to be one character that's a complete flaming homosexual stereotype. In this case, it's Jack to the always horny Jill. I got something you can fetch. That was for Jill...not Jack. I swear. Shut up.

- I had completely forgotten that this movie had musical numbers in it. Some not that great, but the Snow White song about her sex starved seven dwarves is a highlight.

- Never thought I would see a trio of naked masked ladies singing a song about S&M in the vein of the Andrews Sisters. One of those naked beauties is Evelyn Guerrero, who is best known as Donna in the Cheech and Chong movies.

- If you watch the aforementioned S&M number, watch for the chained up guy really having a good time. You'll know who I'm talking about.

-The little guy helping the weird cop looks like a tiny Iron Sheik.

- Ol' King Cole was a bug eyed overacting soul. A bug eyed overacting soul indeed.

I wonder when Gussie Gander has to replace the carpeting in her shoe of ill repute, if she goes shag or Dr. Scholls. Maybe she's gellin'.

-I'm surprised to see how fresh faced Linnea Quigley is in this film (she still looks great today). I then noticed she was nude. Suddenly things got awkward. I shouldn't have watched this on the library's computer. 

At the end of this movie, they promised us three prizes. I don't care about the love potion or the cod piece (I already have a custom one), but the sheep...I have a friend who's in need of one. For the wool I mean. Really. Stop looking at me like that. Don't you walk away from me!! STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD!

 If you want to see the whole thing, it IS on YouTube. But it's very NSFW. But here is a compilation of the doorman to Mother Hubbard's cat house. One of the unsung heroes of this film if you ask me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Bad Movie Couple are Here!

I'm excited to announce that after doing a few podcasts with my lovely and talented better half Erin, we had so much fun that we decided to create a site reviewing bad movies together! At The Bad Movie Couple, we basically review bad films in a conversational sort of way. So jump on over to the link below to read our first two reviews, on Evil Altar and Count Yorga, Vampire!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Tales From The Quadead Zone (1987)

Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)
Director: Chester Turner
Stars: Shirley L. Jones, William Jones, Doug Daverport

The end of Awful Movie Month is upon us, and that means that I couldn't hold off watching this immortal bastard son of cinema any longer. 

I had seen director Chester Turner's other movie, Black Devil Doll from Hell, and while it was a bit unnerving to watch, I had seen worse. I guess Turner is a time traveler and has already read this article, because he went back to 1987, grabbed his camcorder, made Shirley L. Jones stop soaping up her boobs, and made this monstrosity.

The movie starts with one of the worst opening songs in the entire history of cinema. The worst part is, it started to become catchy the more I heard it. Now it won't leave my head. Why do you hate me so much, head?

So Shirley L. Jones is washing the dishes (she's on credited as "Bobby's Mother") when a mug near a candle with a Madball stuck in it (I'm serious) starts to float. Mom chastises her invisible dead son and asks if he wants her to read him a story. He responds by blowing a fan in Jones' face and going "hushushushushushushush".

A little sidebar here, why does Jones look like she's having an orgasm on the set of a hair commercial whenever Bobby "speaks"? It's extremely disturbing to me. This happens at least ten times over the hour and two minutes running time.

So Bobby materializes a book out of thin air called Tales from the Quadead Zone. I'm not sure what the hell the quadead zone is, but I bet it's sandwiched between the Negative Zone and the Fuck is This Shit Zone.  

So now I realize I'm not only watching an awful movie, it's turned into an awful ANTHOLOGY movie. Bad anthologies are always the worst, filled with stories full of padding and morons talking endlessly. I decided to review each of the "Three" stories (One story I consider half a story since it centers around our storyteller)  and let you share in my pain.

Food For ?  or We're too Stupid to Cut Sandwiches in Half

This story concerns a family of eight who only ever has enough food for a few. The guy at the supermarket must be a real asshole to knowingly sell these people food that won't feed all of them. But then again, I have to side with him when you see these morons can't come up with the brilliant idea of cutting four fucking sandwiches in half.

Dad rings a stupid bell and proceeds to do one of the worst prayers I have ever seen. Love that the dad couldn't even say a prayer without sounding like he was reading a script. "Give us this day our...uh...*looks*...daily bread". Great job Pops, God ain't impressed.

Next day, and same shit happens. Only their giant hillbilly son has had enough of the bell and returns with a shotgun, killing three family members so everyone could eat. Mom didn't seem too upset, but it was hard to tell with her drawn in eyebrows.

Then they cut to stills of the remaining family members. Two of them are shot in the face and chest respectively, while Ma and Pa Kettle "lives high on the hog in witness protection program". Their words, not mine. Shotgun Sammy, we are told, dies in the state gas chair. I'm not sure what the hell a gas chair is, but it must stink to high heaven. He who dealt it, will always have to smelt it.

That's it. Ten minutes. This wasn't a story, this was a situation! Who would tell their child, albeit a dead one, about a guy shooting family members for food!? It used to be "Goodnight Moon", now it's "Goodnight, and Go Fuck Yourself Moon".

Brothers or Fucking Clownshoes

Some guys break into a funeral home to see where their acting careers ended up. I keed I keed. They break in there to steal a body. Do they need a fourth for poker? No, seems it's the brother of one of the three guys, and he wants to enact some revenge on his dead sibling first. But first, lets have some champagne! I'll have the cup shaped like a titty. Damn, the brother got it first.

After his two friends leave, Ted starts berating Dead Fred for all the time he fucked over Ted with his father. Guess Dead Fred broke up Ted's marriage so he could have her. But after telling her he only wanted her to fuck with Ted, she blows her brains out. Ted was planning Dead Fred's murder, but Fred's heart beat him to the punch. 

Ted takes his revenge by dressing Dead Fred up as a clown and burying him in the basement. Really weak plan B there, Ted. But I can't be too mad at Ted, because his infectious laugh fills the room for a good five minutes.

So some spirit (Fred? A Demon? Manute Bol?) enter Dead Fred, and now he becomes Undead Fred. He goes after Ted in the basement speaking in an unintelligible voice and kills him with a pitchfork. As my wife pointed out, there never seems to be a shortage of pitchforks in a suburban dwelling. Because farm equipment and soccer moms go well together.

This one seemed to have a story, but it was padded out to twenty minutes with talk talk talk and more fucking talk. I didn't need to know every grievance Ted had with Fred. I am curious about why "12345" is spraypainted on the wall of the basement. I'd like to think it's Ted's way of remembering his luggage combination. By the way, I love that Ted loves this one shitty painting on his wall so much, that he had to buy an exact duplicate and hang it right beside the original.

I wanna take this moment to talk about just how awful the audio is in this movie. The soundtrack is at a constant level (too damn loud) while mics are randomly put on different people at any time regardless if they are speaking or not. Even when they do speak, you can't understand half the words that are coming out of their mouths. I'm sure they aren't saying anything intelligent, but I'd like to know SOME of what was said.

Unseen Vision or Don't Harass Me About Our Dead Kid, Asshole

So we've come back full circle as the last story involves Bobby and his mom. She's just about to read another story when either her husband or ex shows up. Either way, this is revealed to be Bobby's dad. Mom ain't happy to see Daryl, and Daryl ain't happy to see his former ol' lady has been reading shitty stories to some butt prints in a chair. He lets her know that he cares deeply for her, and although he misses his son as well, that she should start the grieving process and learn to let Bobby go.

I'm kidding. He wacks her across the head with the book and start beating her with it. They struggle until Mom grabs a knife and starts stabbing Daryl. Curse words are yelled, and Mom mentions something about a "last dance" which I assume isn't that Pearl Jam cover song from years back. Mom goes to see Bobby in the bedroom, but Daryl lives long enough to call the cops. 

Two cops that even Barney Fife would have called fucking wimps show up and they arrest Mom. But before they go, Mom asks to use the bathroom. Like morons, they let her. She then proceeds to slit her own throat in what may be one of the better disturbing images I saw out of this film. No, the dead guy from story two who looked like a bunch of playdoh mashed up into one weird color I like to call 'blech" doesn't count.

So Mom's dead. 21 hours later...why 21 I don't know, she strolls back to the house as a yellowish ghost, and she reads Bobby another awful story...this time about what just happened 21 hours ago. "Hey kid, you wanna hear about how I crapped myself after slitting my own throat?!"

While close, this isn't the worst movie ever made. At only a little over an hour long, this felt longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies put together. Extended versions. But as bad as this movie was, as much as I tore it a new asshole, I have an odd admiration of Chester Turner.  I might even watch a Tales From the Quadead Zone 2 if he makes it. Maybe. I'd need a lot of booze.

Friday, November 28, 2014

The Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf

I know good and well by now not to expect too much of a movie that stars Reb Brown, but holy hell! The Howling 2 goes beyond laughably bad into the realm of secondhand embarrassment. Even the title is ridiculous. Interestingly though, I have reason to suspect that the makers of this film had a sense of humor about it, and that it may even be a poor attempt at humor. It feels like they made the movie, realized it sucked, and then did some edits for the sake of being "funny." It's still embarrassing, but that's tempered by the idea that it may be self-aware.

The Howling 2 (I'm not typing out Your Sister is a Werewolf every time) begins with a nonsensical voiceover by Christopher Lee, and then we go to the funeral of the character from the first movie who was played by Dee Wallace Stone. You know, the lady who famously turned into a werewolf on the news in front of everyone in her viewing market before being shot dead. Only the corpse in the coffin, who later reanimates briefly because the silver bullets were removed during the autopsy, is played by a different actress other than Stone. And she is the sister to Reb Brown, playing a sheriff from Montana or someplace, and proving it by walking through every scene in a jeans jacket and jeans. I think they call that outfit a Canadian tuxedo!

After the funeral, Brown is approached by two weirdos, first an occult specialist played by Lee, and the second a reporter played by that weird voiced lady who was married to Spalding Grey in True Stories. (By the way, True Stories came out in 85, the same year as this furry monstrosity, and was a much better career choice for this lady and her voice.) Brown tells Lee to fuck off, Lee tells weird lady "His sister is a werewolf," then she tells Brown, "Your sister is a werewolf." Title in dialogue moment!

Then Lee goes to a club, where for some reason he is given ugly sunglasses to put on. The club is full of werewolves! One of them was at the funeral! She picks up some guys just so she can kill them! Then the reporter and Reb Brown go visit Chris Lee at home, where he shows them a big cardboard poster with pictures of the werewolf lady from the club. He also plays the videotape of Reb's sister turning into a werewolf on the news, only in this film's universe, the transformation and death weren't on TV and no one saw it happen. I don't know why they couldn't even get that detail right, if they were going to bother making this a sequel! I haven't watched The Howling in years, but I clearly remember reactions from some people in a bar who saw the news broadcast live on TV. Anyway, Lee tells Brown he's gonna have to kill his sister again. Brown tells him to fuck off again.

Until....he sees his sister turn into a werewolf later that night in the cemetery, where he has gone to kill Lee! Now he's ready to follow Lee to the ends of the earth, or at least to the former Czechoslovakia masquerading as Transylvania. Werewolves in Transylvania? Apparently. Not only werewolves await us in Transylvania, but also a puppet show, midgets, weird wipes between scenes, that guy who played Mickey the Convict in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and Sybil Danning tearing off her clothes. She is the head werewolf, but we all know her real supernatural power is tearing off her clothes. Somehow the same people from the club in Los Angeles are all at her house, and then they run outside and Christopher Lee kills most of them with a pistol. Finally, Lee confronts Danning, and I think the implication is that she is HIS sister, but I'm not sure. All I know is that this movie should be ashamed of itself, and it could stand a good hard riffing. Also, the band in the club scenes sings a song with lyrics that include the word "Howling," so at least the movie gets some points for having a bad theme song that is about itself.

But what about that "funny" part I mentioned? Well, it's the credits sequence. It shows the moment when Sybil Danning takes her top off, over and over again, while other people in the film are intercut as if they were reacting to her bare boobs. I mean, that's got to be a joke, right? This can't be intended to be a scary film with an ending like that tacked on? You've got your good werewolf films, like The Wolf Man and An American Werewolf in London, and even to some extent The Howling, where you actually feel sorry for the main character who is doomed to turn into a werewolf and be killed. The werewolf idiom is supposed to be a tragic story of lost potential, of wasted youth, of a likable and hopeful person who lives in torment and then dies. And then you have this flaming bag of dogshit, strutting around in head to toe denim, laughing at us for having watched it, and sniffing its own ass. Here, watch the credits and see what you think. For a bad movie, it almost elevates itself to so-bad-its-good at the end. If only it would stop humping my leg.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

American Revenge (1988)

American Revenge (1988)
Director: David Schwartz
Stars: Matt Hannon(!), James Van Patten, A.D. Muyich

I've been waiting for the right time to review this cinematic turkey, and being it's almost Thanksgiving, that time is now.

Jag (Muyich) is just your friendly, bodybuilding, non American drug dealer. He's looking to get out of the business after yet another attempt to kill him, but his pal Mel (Van Patten) sets up one last big deal with Angelo (Hannon) out in the desert. Angelo has other ideas, and tries to kill our heroic drug dealer. It's time for some revenge...AMERICAN REVENGE...although Jag doesn't sound the least bit American. Van Patten does, so I guess there's the American part. You got me on a technicality this time movie.

I tracked this one down simply because it's the only other film (to date) that has Samurai Cop Matt Hannon in it. He channels Stallone a bit too much (he did do bodyguard work for Sly), but I thought he did better as the villain than as Samurai Cop Joe (though he was more entertaining in SC).

The rest of this film is a mess of Vegas shots, old fat guys as henchmen, a leading man who can barely put a sentence together, and a director that I just now (as I'm writing this) realized is the director of that other awful movie I reviewed, Las Vagas Bloodbath. Both movies awful, both oddly enduring.

Things I Got Out of American Revenge

- Fast food places such as Burger King are tremendously bad places to deal in ill gotten jewelry. Those kids may look like royalty with those paper hats, but they'll take off with your loot first chance they get. Little bastards.

- If your right hand man is a fat guy named Tiny that looks like he failed the Roadhouse "fat thug" audition, you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel of henchmen.

- Some odd product placement in this film. I'm not sure that Chevy approved that "Heartbeat of America" hat the drug buyer was wearing. No wonder my Taurus drove me from Georgia to Maine in 5 hours and then crashed for a week.

- When a shootout is happening at the bar you are at, It's important to just stand there with your back to the action. Sure you'll get shot, but no one is gonna spike that drink of yours lady!

- While you are a guest at the home of a sleazy drug dealer surrounded by losers with guns, asking for a cut of the drug money is a serious social faux pas

. Things I heard during Matt Hannon's first scene:
Someone saying "It's me" off camera"
A guy telling someone his wife is worried about the guns at their house
And the director saying "action" in the very next scene

- Hey ladies of the church, you wanna come to Vegas to sin, you gotta be prepared to be stuck in a dingy room with an old guy wearing a fake scar named "Scratch". THAT'S Hell!

- Line from the guy who fucks up the BK jewelry deal AND kidnaps the wrong people "I never make the same mistake twice". YOU JUST FUCKING DID!

- Tiny and Scratch have a scene together taking henchmen business, and they come off like two good buddies hanging out. I would have watched an entire movie about the daily lives of these two henchmen. Too bad Scratch dies like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. 

-  Maybe I was hard on the guy who screws things up. Maybe he used to be a good henchmen but personal issues got in the way. Maybe his mortgage is due, or his little henchchildren are sick. I should give him a break.

- Never take your girlfriend to a drug deal.

- When the buddy who doesn't flake out on you gets blown up, maybe you should be screaming like a girl for him instead of crying out for the pal that shows up late. 

- "Sorry, but I was playing strip poker with trashy women" is never a good excuse.

-  I love the banner for the I Have A Dream Beauty pageant. Straight out of a county fair. I'm pretty sure that dream didn't involve being leered at by the director's buddies. Thanks for the sponsorship 7-Up!

- Nice of the director to read lines for the beauty pageant guy so he'll  know what to say on the phone.

-Why was the hero of this video a drug dealer?! Are we suppose to sympathize with the roided out German sounding drug dealer?! I was really hoping for a sequel that starred am Italian legless money launderer who has to run one last pyramid scheme before being double crossed by actual Egyptians who want to put the money in a real pyramid. Since it's Vegas, the Pyramid will be headlined by Frank Sinatra Jr....and James Van Patten.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

American Commando Ninja (1988)

American Commando Ninja (1988)
Director: Lo Gio
Stars: Martin Chan, Daniel Garfield, Yolanda Kuk

You see the name listed as director? Don't be fooled my friends. Looking up Lo Gio only brings up two credits...this film and one from 1974. I almost gave Joseph Lai the benefit of the doubt that he had employed another hack to make his films but then in the closing credits I saw it...Story by Godfrey Ho.

I'm 100% convinced I just suffered through another Goddamn Godfrey Ho crapfest.

This movie is a rare one, as it's really one of the only martial arts films that was shot on video. Yep, not only is Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai involved, but they brought their camcorders with them. 

The "story" concerns a scientist with a germ warfare formula and several groups of people that are trying to retrieve said formula. They include a white guy in an office with a circus clown for a girlfriend, a crazy uncle with his own army and two nieces fighting over who will have the ugliest haircut, and a ninja and his new found bromance who are the heroes of this story. The two guys are named Larry and David. Please, curb your enthusiasm.

Unlike most of these films, it doesn't star Richard Harrison and it isn't made up with half a decent movie and half a movie where white guys run around with headbands that say "ninja" on them. But even without those obstacles,  these guys manage to make a film that's completely fucking incoherent. Now that's talent.

Things I Took From American Commando Ninja

- Wise advice from this movie "never trust a scientist". That's why I know Jupiter's gonna crash into us any day now. Just you wait, assholes.

- If you know someone has a homing device on him, take the coat with the device on it and throwing it 20 feet isn't going to throw the bad guys off much. Maybe irritate them a bit though.

- Why is this girl wearing confederate flag shorts?

- Speaking of shorts, why the hell is everyone wearing short shorts. It looks like half the cast is only wearing a shirt and it creeps me out. 

-And while I'm on the subject, whoever was the costume designer on this film should be put out back and shot. Lime green pants, tons of daisy dukes, and shirts of many neon colors. It's like the late 80's surf craze threw up on everyone.

- Apparently a mysterious form of martial arts is called...and I shit you not...Hocus Pocus. This ancient technique includes blow fire out of your fingertips and pulling a rabbit out of your hat...but a rabbit with a katana sword.

- I like when the uncle yells at one of the heroes about being too young to know suffering. "In our day, it was either starve or eat another person, and we LIKED IT!"

- Look out for the "Tusken Raider in Star Wars" tribute every time some fires a gun more than once. Also dig those magically appearing ninja stars.

- One of the girls is so stupid, she thinks her parents were killed during world war 2, despite being maybe 25 years old. Someone's getting an F in history.

- I was going to make a joke about how the final battle looks like it takes place on a giant playground until I realized it actually WAS being fought on a giant playground! 

- The final scene is sweet, when Larry and David do the patented bro handshake and gaze into each other's eyes, holding back their true feelings. You don't believe me? The whole movie's on youtube. Go watch it and see. I expect an apology.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Blood Freak (1972)

Blood Freak (1972)
Directors: Brad F. Ginter, Steve Hawkes
Stars: Steve Hawkes, Dana Cullivan, Heather Hughes

Bad films seem to somehow find their way into my life, and disappointingly, onto my television. Take last night for example. I was all set to watch something that didn't make me want to pray to the little girl from the Visitor to send her pet bird to peck my eyes out. I decided to let my beautiful wife, who likes to watch "real" films (you know, ones with budgets, real actors, and sets not made from children's materials) pick the movie.

"There's a movie I've been wanting you to see for a couple years now" She said. usually her film choices are ones that I resist, but later had to admit to being fun to watch. I WAS a little suspicious however when she started handing me beer bottles to drink before the movie started.

Now I know why. I got hookwinked into an awful movie.

Blood Freak is a regional horror film from Florida about Herschell, a big biker guy who looks and acts like a proto Tommy Wiseau, hanging out with a bible quoting babe and her sister, who likes to do biblical things with Herschell. After hooking up with the drug happy sister, Herschell goes to work on some guy's turkey farm. Not really sure what the hell kind of turkey farm this is, because there are two "scientists" who ask Herschell to eat a whole turkey injected with some strange chemical they are working on. The Hersch devours the turkey, and before you know it he's a giant turkey headed freak.

Will Turkey Hersch still get him some of that sweet lovin? Will his unusual turkey crazed lust for blood be sated?  Or is he doomed to be chased around by the Butterball people each November? 

Things I've Learned/Suffered from Watching Blood Freak

- I know this had a budget of 15 bucks, but wasn't there a better choice for a scientist than the bastard Hee Haw love child of Roy Clark and Junior Samples?

- Although I'm sure drug dealers want to look cool like the rest of us, if your haircut consists of greaser in the back and a 12 head in the front, you might want to see a different stylist. The Chinese Fonzie monk look just ain't workin'.

- I like how the movie makes you think the bible quoting lady is the main gal of the film when, SWERVE, it's her drug addicted sister! Because the star of the film (who also co-wrote and co-directed) couldn't spell heroine correctly.

- It is a social faux pas to call someone a tramp at a swinging drug party. They worked hard to put together this party of sex and drugs and you have to be the turd in the punchbowl.

- Turkeyhead Hersch has to be seen to be believed. It's like someone saw a turkey once, and then decided he should look like a chicken/owl hybrid instead. 

- While Hersch was rude at your party, it does NOT mean you can invite your friends over and take a gander at your sideshow boyfriend. At least make them keep the stuffing and the cranberries in the car.

- Want to be in the film but all the good parts are taken? Just make yourself the narrator and you too can play God. PULL ZE STRINGS!

If you don't want to be spoiled: read no further.

- This movie, despite the many MANY flaws, was an almost enjoyable piece of crap. Turkeyhead hersch was killing folks and his girlfriend showed her butt. Too bad that they decide that this wasn't a crazy monster slasher, but an anti drug/pro Jesus film! I'm pro Jesus, sure, but unless he's fighting off Turkeyhead Hersch, I'd rather not have him thrown into the mix for no reason. Don't pretend that his mutation and killing spree was nothing more than a long ass hallucination! I don't care if he kicks the habit and rejoins his stupid girlf friend! I want her to have to blast his damn turkeyneck off and serve him for dinner to all her stoner friends while they watch Up In Smoke for the 400th time! ARRRGHHH!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Body Rock (1984)

Body Rock (1984)
Director: Marcelo Epstein
Stars: Lorenzo Lamas, Ray Sharkey, Michelle Nicastro

I realize that a review consisting of a picture of me with my jaw dropped wasn't going to cut it, so I had to compose myself to be able to talk about this insane film.

Chilly D (Lamas) heads up a crew of various rappers, breakdancers, and DJ's called the Body Rock. Chilly is just your classic, clean cut guy with a fast mouth, a good look, and an allergy to sleeves. When Chilly gets a new nightclub manager to come see Body Rock's show, he's upset that the guy only wants him. But roll him up in blacklit toilet paper, give him a rich but vacant sugar mama, and bedazzled his face, and Chilly dumps his friends like people do DVD's of Renegade. But since that happens after the first half hour, you know it's gonna turn to shit.

Watching this, it was like someone saw Breakin', thought "Hey, we can do this kind of movie too" and then someone else ran in and yelled "put in lots of musical style numbers!" to make it instantly uncool.

Will Chilly D realize that dumping his friends isn't cool? Will the girl he's sweet on be OK that he's dating a moronic socialite? Why is there an 12 year old kid working in a nightclub? Why is Meat from the Porky's movies playing a bouncer? Go watch it yourself...I'm not sitting through that again!

Things I Took From Body Rock

- If you watch this film, the first 30 minutes seem almost normal. Then around the 35 minute mark, it turns into a world of What The Fuckery.

- Look Lorenzo, I know you want people to go see you perform at the club, but I don't think breaking the fourth wall and asking the viewer to go is the best way to go about it.

- They bedazzled Lorenzo's face for a musical number. Not a little bit of glitter, but actual rhinestones forming on his face. No clue why he's not taken seriously.

- At one point I thought "This couldn't get any weirder". Trying to prove me wrong, the movie takes Chilly and his new rich buddies and have them go to a gay bar. Hey Chilly, you just had rhinestones on your face, don't try to act macho when the Robert Duvall looking guy who's bankrolling you wants a little tongue action. Damn prude.

- At one point early in the film, Chilly is dressed up exactly like Ken in Street Fighter 2. HaDORKen!

- Never ask Chilly to help you get into a place. No matter how many times I told them I was with Chilly, the Applebees people made me hold one of those vibrating coasters anyway. It felt good in my pants. What? Like you never did that.

- There's a deeper message in this movie, and it's one that I haven't seen talked about anywhere. I'm talking about sleeves. Let me explain. When we see Chilly, every article of clothing is missing sleeves. This is to show that he's a simple man, with simple pleasures like hanging with his buddies and performing some of the worst raps ever written by an 8 year old. But once he's lured into more expensive tastes, he's wearing sleeves like they're going out of style. Long sleeves, shorts sleeves, you got a sleeve, and he'll conform to wear it. Sure he's sleeveless on stage, but that's just him "frontin" as the kids never say. It's only after the inevitable downfall that he realizes that those sleeves were choking him, constricting the talent that he may have hiding in his armpits. So off those sleeves went and the happier he got. Still looking for the talent though.

I had to put a clip to this, and if anything sums up the insanity and awfulness that is Body Rock, this is it.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)
Director: Nick Millard
Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)
Director: Jet Eller
Stars: Donny Broom. Alvin Johnson, A Wicked Alligator Man puppet

For the first film of Awful Movie Month, I picked something I have never heard of before. All I knew was that the premise sounded funny to me. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a "so bad it's good" kinda film or simply a "please God kill me now" kind of film. Thankfully, it's the former.

This film is about two goofy friends named Gary and Alan, who are trying to get Gary's aunt and uncle safely to North Carolina. This plan turns to shit when a gang of redneck vigilantes, led by the stereotypical sheriff, kidnap the bumbling duo and try to kill them. When Gary's aunt dies at the hands of these bastards, Uncle Marley takes revenge...and that revenge is spelled V-O-O-D-O-O.

Marley brings back all the dead drug dealers these assholes have killed, along with a giant gator man /monster, to extract revenge. Yep, we're dealing with redneck zombies.

Things I've Learned/Took From Marley's Revenge

- Contrary to popular belief, Africa Dan is NOT based on me. I've never been to Africa. Now Kentucky Dan...that's me to a tee. I can teach you how to survive on Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi. 

- Why does the aunt, who is American, speak with that generic Haiti accent?

- This movie proves that funny bumper stickers aren't just for cars. Shit Happens indeed, you wise ol' cooler.

- There were so many badly dubbed people, I thought this was an Italian flick at first. Or maybe a Godfrey Ho movie.

- Despite the awfulness of this film, the alligator monster puppet is pretty damn impressive. Not scary in the slightest, but impressive nonetheless. 

- If you ever encounter a southern redneck zombie, remember two words...Moon Pie.

- Nurses in insane asylums think that staring into corners of room is pretty damn sexy. So start staring!

-Since I started off pretty safe (this movie is terrible, but fun), that means that the next film is gonna hurt...a lot.

- If you have two local DJ's mock your movie, it's only fair that they have to eat themselves.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Awful Movie Month is Here!

As you can tell by the frightened eyes of John Wintergate, you have entered the Wide Weird World of CRAP Films. All through November, I will be enduring some of the worst films ever put on celluloid, VHS, DV, or someone drawing pictures on duct tape. Some may be entertaining exploits, other will make me wear my eyeballs as earrings. But all watched for the sake of your entertainment.

Come feel the pain with me all month. I may even post clips, if I'm not under the kitchen table in the fetal position crying.

Monday, October 27, 2014

15 Underrated Villains - The Top Five!

We've worked hard, scraped by, and murdered a few hobos, but we have finally gotten to the final five. My own personal choices as to who "I" think is underrated. Let's take a look!

5. Frank and Julia (Hellraiser)

The only couple on the list, but what an evil couple they are. Julia is married to Frank's brother, but was seeing him on the downlow. She was sad when Frank died, but surprise, Frank's alive. Well sort of. He looks like he belongs in a biology classroom, but hey, he's still got that charm.

Frank and Julia kill guys and other dastardly things before the Cenobites come looking for Frank. I think he owes Pinhead twenty bucks.

4. Harry Warden/Axel (My Bloody Valentine)

It's hard not to feel sorry for Axel. I mean, watching your dad get his heart ripped out will probably do a little damage to one's psyche. But that's no reason to go off and kill your buddies. Yeah, Happy was a bastard, and that joking guy's death was pretty neat, and the way you killed that woman with the shower was damn impressive...

You know what? Fuck em. I don't blame you.

3. Angela (Sleepaway Camp)

Hey look, another Angela on this list! Kinda. There's nothing wrong with roleplaying, except when it's forced. Then people lose their heads and you end up making terrifying faces while nude.

2. Father William Thomas (City of The Living Dead/Gates of Hell)

This guy willingly hangs himself so that the gates of Hell will open and dead people will go around causing bad shit to happen. That's a real bastard for you. Maybe he's upset that every time he went on a date and gazed into his lovely lady's eyes, she starts throwing up her vital organs. That makes asking for a second date rather awkward.

1. The Townsfolk of Pleasant Valley (2000 Maniacs)

I figured that for the top slot no single ordinary villain would do. So how about a whole town full of southern ghosts out to murder and maim yankee tourists in inventive and ghastly ways? You can say all the bad things you want about these folks, but you have to admit that they sure are having fun killing and dancing and drinking moonshine and probably sleeping with their ghost cousin. I'm from Kentucky...I can say shit like that.

Next week, I go from wonderfully evil villains into a much darker place. A place where budget and talent and good screenwriting all flies out the window like someone getting a money proposal from Donald Jackson. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

15 Underrated Villains - #10 - #6

Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. You may not agree with my choices (and by all means do let me know), but these are MY choices for slots 10-6.

WARNING: Some of the videos posted will contain spoilers. Spoilers for old movies. Just sayin'.

10 - Katugaba (Noroi The Curse)

Guy investigates weird shit going on via documentary. Deals with crazy woman and her child, a missing psychic girl, and a guy who is made of aluminum foil. Seems a demon is pissed because the town that worshipped him went under water. Documentary guy figures out how to calm shit down...or does he?

9 - The Dean (Pieces)

Look, I'm a big fan of nekkid lady puzzles as well, but "I" have never had the urge to slaughter women to put my own lady together. Quit making us nekkid lady puzzle enthusiasts look bad!

8 - Edward Lionheart (Theater of Blood)

This is my favorite Vincent Price film, with good reason. I've often wanted to get revenge on those who laugh at my work (I'm looking at YOU...yeah you.) but never had the balls to go through with it. Ol' Lionheart however has no qualms about showing his critics exactly what he thinks of them...often in amusingly gory ways.

7 - Dr. Obrero (Dr. Butcher, MD)

Do you want to look younger? Sure, we all do. Some people would go with plastic surgery, and it helps sometimes. But Dr. Butcher here has an even better solution. Tired of that flabby body, or crossed eyes, or even that third testicle? Simply have the good Doctor take your brain out and put it in a younger body! Sure, the younger person might not want that, but who cares? You'll look faboo!

6 - Angela (Night of the Demons)

I think demons should thank humans. If it weren't for us always being stupid enough to go to spooky old buildings and raising them from some book, they'd be stuck twiddling their evil thumbs. 

Angela becomes a demon, and while she is pretty rockin', having a makeout session with a demon could end pretty badly. There goes your fantastic Gene Simmons impression!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

15 Underrated Villains #11: Conal Cochran (Halloween 3)

I must admit to something, and I know in horror fandom it's on par with blasphemy, but I need to get it off my chest. I'll hope you'll respect me in the morning when I say this.

I don't like Michael Myers.

Now don't get me wrong, the first Halloween was a really good slasher. Hell, any movie where I get to see PJ Soles topless is a-ok with me. But Michael Myers as a character was a bit one note. You can say the same with Jason, but no one takes those films seriously.

After part two, John Carpenter and Debra Hill wanted to take the series in another direction by making each new film a different story based on the holiday itself, which I thought was a great idea. But the poor box office to Halloween III put an end to that. 

I love  the third Halloween film. I know it gets shit on by lots of people because of the lack of a mute guy in a bad Shatner mask, but if you can look past that, it really is a scary, fun ride.

Dr. Challis goes to Santa Mira to investigate a mysterious death involving a Silver Shamrock mask and some bulging eyes being pushed waaay back in the poor dope's head. Chalis takes the dead man's daughter with him, and they get busy in a gross motel room. 

Challis and Boo find out that the whole town is under the control of one Conal Cochran, the owner of Silver Shamrock Novelties. Conal is like a mix between your kind grandpa, and Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

Challis and Boo end up finding out that the guards Conal has aren't men, but Devo androids. Like in most horror movies, they are caught and separated. Challis finally learns of Conal's evil plan as he watches the lamest family in America get an early test of the new Silver Shamrock commercial that's about to be aired. Side effects to this commercial includes panic, disorder, bugs and snakes coming out of your body, and death. 

It's very strange to see children die in a horror film, and I like seeing it not because of kids dying, but because I know there isn't much that's going to be taboo. Cochran is the ultimate "DAMN KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!" guy in that he plans on using chips in the Silver Shamrock masks to go off when the commercial is played, killing all these kids. That is one fucked up man.

Here's Conal telling Challis why he's doing what he doing. Enjoy!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

15 Underrated Villains #12: Maude Chalmers (Funeral Home)

Funeral Home is one of a series of great slasher films in the early 80's that came from our brethren up north in Canada. It's also the film that introduces us to our next underrated villain in Grandma Maude Chalmers.

The story is Heather comes to her Grandma's place to help her open a bed and breakfast. Now this place used to be a funeral home (hence the title), but honestly, outside of a few creepy locations, it's really not that important. Rumor has it that Maude's missing husband ran off with another woman after Maude had a nervous breakdown...but if that's so, why does Heather hear her talking to a cranky old man down in the cellar?

Before too long people start showing up at the bed and breakfast, and then start disappearing. Maude isn't too keen on some of the guests, including Mickey from Meatballs with his mistress, who looks like a community theater version of Adrienne Barbeau (without the boobs or looks).

Again, there's spoilers, but it's from 1980, so if you don't want spoilers from there, tough (I won't say who shot JR though). Turns out Maude's nervous breakdown turned into full fledged insanity because Heather finds out that Grandma is talking as herself AND her long dead husband (whom she killed). Now I talk to myself on occasions, but I've stopped just short of axe murdering people...well outside of Des Moines...but they had it coming.

Here's the scene that convinced me she belonged on this list. It's really creepy how insane she looks arguing with herself. I just hope she can look at herselves in the morning.

Monday, October 6, 2014

15 Underrated Villains #13: William G. Dobbs (Dead and Buried)

Dead and Buried is a weird movie in that it's a zombie movie, but the zombies aren't of the brain munching variety. No, these are "manufactured" undead, and the guy making this all Grandpa Joe.

Jack Albertson plays the town's funeral director William G. Dobbs. He's a carefree, if not slightly creepy, kind of guy. His skill in making even the most busted up looking dead people look like they've never been hurt is amazing. But there's something far more sinister going on afterwards.

The town is made up of with what appears the be the most evil citizens this side of Stepford. They burn a photographer alive, bash a hitchhiker's head in with a big rock, and force hydrochloric acid up some poor schmuck's nose. The kind sheriff notices things are going wrong when the dead photographer turns into Goober at the filling station. Also, someone foolishly left their arm in the grill of his truck.

I know I'm spoiling this film, but it came out in 1981, so sue me. Seems that the crazy killing townsfolk are all undead, killing more folks so they don't have to seek outside people to fill their jobs. I'll let Dobbs tell you (and the sheriff) himself.

Creepy shit eh? I'll leave the last big spoiler for you to watch. It's a pretty damn good film in the zombie genre, and seeing the Man in Chico and the Man play this dastardly evil guy is really unsettling. Go seek it out.

Monday, September 29, 2014

15 Underrated Villains #14: Jack T. Rippington (Fatal Exposure)

This one's a little less well known, but I fell in lust with this wonderfully awful movie called Fatal Exposure when I reviewed it a while back. The main reason I enjoyed it was because of our main villain and my selection as #14 on this list, Jack T. Rippington.

Jack, as he breaks the fourth wall (ala Mister Roper), lets us know that he is related to THE Jack the Ripper. I'm assuming Rippington's using a fake name, because that would take some balls to decide to be known as the Rippingtons. Not like relatives of Jason Voorhees decide to have their last name be the Machetes.

The movie itself is basically a series of gruesome murders with a half assed story about Jack drinking blood to be more sexually potent and have a son to pass the family tradition of killing to. As many people as this guy kills, I'm surprised he doesn't have a raging boner throughout the movie. 

Anyway, you can tell the actor playing Jack is having a grand ol' time, because he is easily the best thing about this film. There's such a gleeful almost childlike joy in what he does you almost want to root for him instead of the moronic girlfriend who inadvertently helps him get models to kill off. She's so dumb she doesn't get the hint until the car radio practically yells at her who the killer is.

The gore in this movie ranges from Blood Feast like to pretty damn effective. The scene I've posted is an example of some of the better gore effects. So here's to Jack T. Rippington...making great grandpappy proud!

If you want to see the whole film, it's on youtube. I recommend you check it out.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

15 Underrated Villains #15: The Tall Man (Phantasm)

My first entry on this list is a bit of a strange case. A lot of people talk about how beloved the Tall Man is, and I agree he is. But while there's been four (soon to be five) Phantasm movies, outside of cult audiences, Tall Man doesn't get a lot of love.

I first heard about the Tall Man when I first got into horror movies in the late 80's. I would religiously buy Fangoria, and to their credit they pushed the hell out of him in their pages. I always saw him as the tier below the big group, along with the Leprechaun, Candyman, and someone else you'll be seeing on this list. There's nothing wrong with being slightly below guys like Leatherface obviously, but if someone wants to expand their horror knowledge, this is the guy to start with.

The Tall Man, to the best of my knowledge (and it does get a bit murky as the films get a bit more convoluted) is an inter-dimensional alien who steals people, makes them Jawa sized, and uses them as slaves. Now what occupation best serves that purpose? No, not carnival worker you asshole, but a mortician. Things seem to be going to plan for ol' Tally until he catches the attention of nosy kid Mike, who catches the Tall Man casually tossing a loaded coffin into a hearse single handed. Of course being a kid Mike has to investigate further, and ends up pissing the big guy off.

I admit I haven't seen part four (Oblivion), but the first and to a lesser extent the second film are really required viewing. It's very disorienting not knowing what's real and what isn't. A big part of what makes the Tall Man work is Angus Scrimm, who is absolutely terrifying in the role.

And now what you guys want to footage of the Tall man. I thought this scene was a perfect example of why I put Tall man on the list. Nothing worse than seeing a giant angry looking alien casually stroll down the street.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Candy Colored Nightmares Episode 9!

In this pizza induced nightmare, Alabaster dreams of Alice Cooper, Epic Birthdays, Exploding Love Dolls, and knowledge that the bird is indeed the word. Check it out!

Announcing this year's WWWofCF's Annual Halloween List!

It's my favorite time of year..where there's lot of halloween candy to eat (try the candy corn hersheys..they're delicious) and scary movies to see. The last two years have seen me cover my favorite horror moments and those characters I felt deserve to die. I was desperately trying to figure out which are to cover when it hit me...

Bravo's Top 100 Scariest Moments is a list filled of shit? Well yeah, but not that.

I noticed on lots of people's list, that they mention a certain group of horror villains. To me (and my wife, since we were discussing this) that if all anyone knows of great horror movie villains are just the "Big 6", then they don't watch enough horror. Not that there's anything wrong with that mind you, just that they are missing out on a LOT.

So with that, my top 15 list this year is going to cover those horror movie villains that I feel should be getting a lot more love. Some are loved by a small devoted group, but others are only in one film, and need love too.

This will be playing out all the way up to Halloween, so yes, I will actually be updating the site on a semi normal basis. Break out the booze.

My one and ONLY rule is the the "Big 6" will NOT be anywhere on this list. Who are they you ask? Easy it's:

Jason Voorhees
Freddy Krueger
Michael Myers

They will not be on this list because it's too damn easy to put them on there. So who IS going to make the list? Check back next week for number 15...a beloved cult favorite that should be standing tall with the Big 6 but isn't..yet.

See you then!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Five Fingers of Death (1972)

Five Fingers of Death (1972)
Director: Chang Ho Cheng
Stars: Lieh Lo, Ping Wang, Hsiung Chao

If you've watched at least a hand full of old Kung Fu Theater style flicks, you know the story. Guy goes to train for tournament with new master. Rival school is made up of a bunch of dickweeds who fuck with the good school. When that backfires, they hire assholes to murder them. Good guy gets his hands broken by bad guys so he doesn't learn the Iron Fist technique, but he learns it anyways. Good guy wins the tournament, but at a cost of several people's lives...and eyeballs. Served with a nice dish of revenge.

This was the movie that kicked off the kung fu movie craze here in the United States. Before long, we were overwhelmed with both good and mainly awful martial arts flicks. Personally, I love martial arts films. I remember waking up as a kid on Saturday mornings and watching it. Cartoons, Memphis wrestling, then Kung-Fu Theater. Good times.

This one is definitely one of the films you need to see if you're new to the genre. It's got fun action, lots of blood, and bad dubbing. You don't have to have all three of those requirements, but at least two of them. Godfrey Ho movies only have the bad dubbing...and white guys named Ira wearing ninja headbands. You're just not ready for that yet, noob.

Things I've Learned/ Things to Watch Out For

- There's a female character in this film who is a singer. I thought "cool, I always wanted to hear what music was like there". I'm really hoping this is a bad example, because she sounded like a cat that got caught up in barb wire. Her backing band seemed cool though.

- If you look like a Chinese Alfred Molina, chances are you're going to be a bad guy.

-If you get jealous because your dad/Master likes this other guy better to teach him his super secret fighting technique, joining the bad guys to have them break his hands is probably a bad idea. Of course, that's made apparent when they proceeded to kick his ass later and rip out his eyeballs. Well at least he doesn't have to see that he looks like Elvis anymore.

- That crazy sound in Kill Bill when Kiddo sees one of her enemies and everything turns red? Yeah, came from this movie. "It's an HOMAGE, damn you!'

- So the beginning of the movie, the main guy is sent out to train for a tournament. Next thing you know, it's been a year and he still hasn't finished training. How far in advance were these tournaments? It would be like inviting someone on Facebook to my son's graduation, even though he's in the fifth grade. And the main guy is STILL LATE for the fucking thing.

- Chinese people think that Japanese folks are long nasty haired mute savages if this film is any indication.

- Having watched quite a few of these films, the one basic rule of thumb to live is when bad guys start fucking with the hero, and the hero humiliates them, you move as far the fuck away from there as possible. Because pal, you're gonna get yer guts spilled out in front of you while you're watching Growing Pains reruns.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cult Conversations - The Dependables Part One

A few weeks after the Expendables 3 hits theaters, we decide to make our own Expendables type movie....this time using B movie action stars.  The first six glorious badass names are revealed in this episode.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Check out Cult Conversations!

Over at the new hot pop culture kid on the block, the Freakin Awesome Network, I have taken my love of cult movies from here and brought it to FAN!

In the first episode, I talk with my lovely wife Erin (from Seven Doors of Cinema and 90's Horror websites) about my favorite slasher Pieces (1982) and Edge of the Axe (1988). Take a listen, and tell all your horror lovin friends!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Wide Weird World of Cult Films now on Tumblr!

Over the last couple years, I've done several different things on this site. Of course the reviews are the main things, but we've had a radio show (now monthly), and upcoming podcast on the Freakin Awesome Network, and various other things. One of my most popular topics were always the bad VHS covers. So I decided to expand WWW of Cult Films' presence in social media by starting a tumblr account!

On this account we will post our popular VHS covers, some awesome movie posters, even some screen captures from various movies. No truth to the rumor that I'll be posting Tiny Tim nudes though (sorry guys). Check it out as it'll be updated regularly!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Jeff Goldblum is the everyman in Buckaroo Banzai

Those who know me know that the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai is one of my all time favorite films. Hell, it was in the first logo for this very site! When Barry of Cinematic Catharsis mentioned he was putting together this Goldblumathon, it was the perfect chance for me to talk about one of the main reasons why I loved this film so much. 

Jeff Goldblum plays US (the everyman/woman) in this film.

You may say to yourself, "Is Lashley drunk again!?" Well, yeah a little bit, but hear me out here. There are several things that lead me to believe this theory.

1. He's in awe of Buckaroo

Buckaroo is the ultimate celebrity. Doctor, scientist, rock star, comic book hero...the man does it all. Everyday folk don't always get the chance to interact with major celebrities, so we live vicariously through films. THIS film knows that, so Goldblum (playing New Jersey) plays us by proxy...being in awe that Buckaroo could easily walk in and help him with a complicated operation, and then casually traveling through a mountain. And don't tell me you don't get a little star struck. I saw how you wet your pants when you met the puppet Madame. I saw EVERYTHING.

2. His outfit

After being asked to join the Hong Kong Cavaliers, Goldblum decides to dress the part of a music star. Sure most people wouldn't be caught dead in an oversized cowboy hat and assless chaps (I think they were assless), but dig a little deeper, shallow Hal. Country music is pure for the working class and the schmoes like us, who are lazy bastards. His outfit tells us "Hey, I'm a man of the people...and I choose to represent them in this outfit". Bravo, sir.

3. His awkwardness in the HK Cavaliers

Now the Hong Kong Cavaliers are a group of guys who are pretty much Buckaroo's inner circle, so for an everyday guy like Goldblum to join up is both exciting and a bit nerve racking. Who here hasn't gotten to join an elite group (like following me on twitter) only to not know what to say or do? As an everyday person, one would also feel out of place and a bit apprehensive among these living TMZ headliners. New Jersey is playing out my joining the Spanish Club on the big screen, man.

4. He has a different way of viewing things.

So you're probably saying "Man, that Lashley really must be hitting the good stuff", to which I would reply "make me another drink or it's the back of my hand for you!" I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean that. Really. Let's start over.

At one point, the guys break into Yoyodine's computers and notice that they all have names that 3rd graders would snicker at. Names like John Big Bootay and John Small Berries. Hehehe. That means small balls. They noticed all these guys registered their date of birth on exactly the same day, October 31st, 1938, in Grover Mills, New Jersey. While the ego trippin celebs are trying vainly to figure out what it all means, our everyman by proxy figures out that This was the date of the infamous War of the Worlds radio broadcast. By knowing that, he figures out that the radio broadcast was real, but the aliens used some sort of mind control to say it was a hoax. Only a person with their ear to the grindstone could have figured that out. What celebrity do you think can do that? Bradley Cooper? Scarlett Johansson? Maybe Tara Reid, but that's it.

5. He's loyal

Buckaroo didn't have to choose Goldblum to join his band of merry men, but he did, so Goldblum is extremely loyal and helpful to Buckaroo. Examples including having a gun ready for him, and doing his damndest to save Penny after being tortured. The common everyday folk are a loyal bunch, preferring to stick to certain things, as they know it's what they like and has gotten a favorable response. I'm making everyday people sound more like pets now. This may not have been a good point.

Well there you have it, one drunken man's insane but 100% true theory about Jeff Goldblum playing the common man in this wonderful cult film. It says a lot of Jeff's acting ability to be able to sink himself to such depths to play us. It's like how million dollar celebrities play crack whores. That was a bit of self loathing I didn't expect from me. Time for another drink.

Read the rest of the Goldblumathon entries (including one by my much more talented wife) and remember, Goldblum is forever.