Getting to Know Me - My 6 Favorite Horror Movies

This week (specifically March 19th) marks the three year anniversary of the Wide Weird World of Cult Films, and I thought I'd spend the next couple of weeks celebrating by letting you take a glimpse inside my brain and see what movies ended up shaping this slightly pudgy man before you. Since most of you love horror, I thought it only fitting that we start there...and going to go old school here by listing SIX of my all-time favorite horror films (in no particular order).

Pieces

This is hands down my favorite slasher. Take two parts George (Christopher and Lynda), throw in a dash of Bluto from Robert Altman's Popeye, center it with the "It Stinks" guy from Pod People, and throw in generous portions of nudity and mostly bad gore, and you have one of the most insane viewing experiences of your life. Bonus Jack Taylor included.

                                  

Burial Ground

This movie may have the barest of plot (along with the barest of ladies) and zombies that look like failed plaster life cast subjects and you have Burial Ground. There's a real sense of dread watching this, and I don't mean because it's bad. You know these schmucks are doomed, and we have to watch every uncomfortable moment of it. There is some good gore in this, and some grisly deaths, but the main reason to see this movie can be explained in two words...Peter Bark

My Bloody Valentine

Oh Canada, you land of glorious horror. This film picked up where Friday the 13th left off and went after a holiday filled with love and torn out hearts. The deaths are the highlight of this film,even more so now that the gorier deleted scenes have been restored. You really need to see that goofy comic relief fully have his head pop off and his body tumble to the ground in uncut glory. I laugh every time.

Another plus is that I've interacted with Paul Kelman (who played TJ) on facebook, and he is one cool sumbitch.

Dead And Buried

This film may be the most original use of zombies ever. They aren't brainless monster out for an all you can eat human buffet, but average looking citizens who just happen to murder people. Oh but it's alright because the friendly mortician will just fix em right up so they can join the town! These zombies are much more terrifying to me than the other kind, and Jack Albertson (in his final role) seems to relish playing an evil mortician playing God. The scene where he's performing his reconstruction magic is a true highlight.

City of The Living Dead

Geez this list makes me out to be some sort of undead enthusiast. I couldn't have a list of my favorite horror movies without something from Lucio Fulchi's trilogy in it. Now for the longest time The Beyond would have been my pic...and I'm still a huge fan of it, but over the years this one (also known as the Gates of Hell) has edged it out slightly. I wish I could say it's because of the plot, or the terrific acting, but in reality it's because I enjoy the deaths just too damn much. Three brain squeezings, a drill through the noggin, and a woman showing us the way her insides work in a way that Slim Goodbody never thought to make this a seminal gore classic.

Frailty

This one may be a bit of a surprise after I listed bloodfest after bloodfest, but this movie doesn't get nearly the love it should. The idea that God sends messages to folks saying "Hey yo, these folks are demons. How about I show you where there's a good axe to be found and you go chop em up for me...OK?" is something that fascinates me. Plus who wouldn't want God to blur out your face on video cameras? It sure would keep people from knowing how often I visited Big Pete's House of Sex Meats.

Next time I'll take a look at a subject that some people say I'm good at, and others wish I would stop...comedies!

15 Underrated Villains - #10 - #6

Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. You may not agree with my choices (and by all means do let me know), but these are MY choices for slots 10-6.

WARNING: Some of the videos posted will contain spoilers. Spoilers for old movies. Just sayin'.

10 - Katugaba (Noroi The Curse)

Guy investigates weird shit going on via documentary. Deals with crazy woman and her child, a missing psychic girl, and a guy who is made of aluminum foil. Seems a demon is pissed because the town that worshipped him went under water. Documentary guy figures out how to calm shit down...or does he?

9 - The Dean (Pieces)

Look, I'm a big fan of nekkid lady puzzles as well, but "I" have never had the urge to slaughter women to put my own lady together. Quit making us nekkid lady puzzle enthusiasts look bad!

8 - Edward Lionheart (Theater of Blood)

This is my favorite Vincent Price film, with good reason. I've often wanted to get revenge on those who laugh at my work (I'm looking at YOU...yeah you.) but never had the balls to go through with it. Ol' Lionheart however has no qualms about showing his critics exactly what he thinks of them...often in amusingly gory ways.

7 - Dr. Obrero (Dr. Butcher, MD)

Do you want to look younger? Sure, we all do. Some people would go with plastic surgery, and it helps sometimes. But Dr. Butcher here has an even better solution. Tired of that flabby body, or crossed eyes, or even that third testicle? Simply have the good Doctor take your brain out and put it in a younger body! Sure, the younger person might not want that, but who cares? You'll look faboo!

6 - Angela (Night of the Demons)

I think demons should thank humans. If it weren't for us always being stupid enough to go to spooky old buildings and raising them from some book, they'd be stuck twiddling their evil thumbs. 

Angela becomes a demon, and while she is pretty rockin', having a makeout session with a demon could end pretty badly. There goes your fantastic Gene Simmons impression!

Check out Cult Conversations!

Over at the new hot pop culture kid on the block, the Freakin Awesome Network, I have taken my love of cult movies from here and brought it to FAN!

In the first episode, I talk with my lovely wife Erin (from Seven Doors of Cinema and 90's Horror websites) about my favorite slasher Pieces (1982) and Edge of the Axe (1988). Take a listen, and tell all your horror lovin friends!

http://www.freakinawesomenetwork.net/2014/08/cult-conversations-pieces/

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die - The Top 5!

Here we are, the top five that I personally feel deserve the fates that God (and the screenwriters) gave to them. 

#5 - Mr. Alphonso The Creepy Fat Pedo from Alice Sweet Alice

This movie disturbs me. Maybe it's the rare sight of seeing a kid get killed in a horror film. maybe it's the sister of the dead kid, whom while actually over 18, would probably illicit the fantasies of many a sick child lovin bastard. 

Nah, it's Mr. Alphonso.

Looking an awful lot like a cross between Divine minus the makeup and Grimice from McDonalds, he just comes off as seriously unsettling. Having him surrounded by cute kittens doesn't help either.

#4 - TJ and Leelee (Really?) from Killer Nerd

You have to give me a moment here...I JUST found out that one of the character's names is Leelee. The hell kind of name is that!?

Okay, I'm better now. 

These two thugs harass and beat up our hero Harold Kunkle for no reason other than he's what the uncouth may call a "nerd". I see nothing wrong with being a nerd, but I do find something wrong with beating the shit out of a defenseless guy and making him refer to himself as a sissy boy. Harold agrees because he snaps and starts killing off everyone who has been mean to him...and I applaud it every step of the way.

Now mind you, I'm not advocating murder (despite making a list advocating that very thing), but sometimes a movie just has to tell the little guy that yeah, you can also strap sticks of dynamite to your enemies' heads and make em explode! 

God bless you Harold Kunkle.

#3 - That Bitchy Chris Hargensen from Carrie

I'm not talking about the remake...I feel they should only remake awful movies and try to get them right. Manos remake anyone? 

No, I'm talking about the 1976 classic. Chris and her group of bitchy mcbitches like to torment poor Carrie because she's naive and her mom is a raving religious nutjob. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine was fighting back against this asshole in high school who was already balding and telling him to meet me after school for a fight. He never showed. Yay me! For Carrie, it was when Chris and the dreamy John Travolta dump pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. Instead of fighting against male pattern baldness man like I did, she used her kinetic powers to murder everyone.

Is it overkill? Perhaps. But hey, they deserved it. I got issues, man.

Top 15 Horror characters That Deserve To Die #3... by alabastertnt

#2 - The Criminally Unfunny Howard from My Bloody Valentine

Well, here's the second My Bloody Valentine character that I felt needed to be on this list. I originally had him at number one, but he just wasn't as worthy as my real number one. 

Howard's the guy you have in your group that tries to be goofy and funny, but comes off as sad and pathetic. It's no shock that this type of character (see previous entry Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3) is always single. They think doing things like faking being killed and causing old ladies to nearly have heart attacks is a hoot. 

He also shows his true colors when the kids are in the mines and find out Harry Warden's on the loose down there. Does he stay and help protect the wimmin folk? Nope, the little bitch runs off into the darkness. He's not seen again until the group (or what's left of them) tries to climb the longest ladder in history to escape. Even then he's just..."hanging around".

Oh God, I may be this very cliche! HELP!

#1 - Kendall's Penis from Pieces

Now I'm aware that it may be a radical idea to put someone's anatomy at the top of a list of horror characters, but it makes sense. Let me explain.

Kendall is a man whore. With his nerdy grandpa sweaters, to his white man's afro, and his inability to fight worth a shit, it's easy to see why the ladies flock to him. But you see, Kendall is ruled by his penis (who does make an appearance in this film). Hopping around sticking himself in places he knows he won't commit to...that penis has broken a lot of hearts on campus.

The killer in Pieces was killing off lovely coeds for body parts in order to make himself a patchwork date. It stands to reason that some of the poor victims had also been victims to Kendall's raging hard on. So when Kendall reaches over to grab his coat, it's like his penis is taunting the pieces of his former conquests by waving himself in their "faces" so to speak. They react in the manner you'll see in this clip. Hell hath no fury like a dead woman puzzle scorned.

That's it for the countdown this year! I like to thank all of you for reading, suggesting, and being downright pleasant. I'm giving you all a treat next month as I have declared November as Awful Movie Month. 30 days of me torturing myself for your amusement! Happy Halloween!

Pieces (1982)

Pieces (1982)

Director: Juan Piquer Simon

Stars: Christopher George, Linda Day George, Paul Smith

A crazy chainsaw killer is cutting up women at a local college and stealing the body parts to make themselves the prototype of the live doll. The curly headed guy from Pod People shows his penis, and Paul Smith still looks like Bluto. Watch for an awesome reaction from Linda Day George. Guess Christopher married her to make himself look subtle.

Six Things I've Learned from Pieces

1. Sometimes it's best to just let the kid jerk off to his naked lady puzzle.

2. They have a class with a waterbed in it. I heard final exams could be...hard. Hee Hee.

3. If you are large, angry looking, and constantly fondling a chainsaw, don't be shocked when people think you are a serial killer.

4. Christopher George and Spock's dad Sarek make a great team.

5. Instead of people who could catch a killer, like police officers, the better solution would be to use a goofy college kid and a tennis champion. That makes much more sense.

6. Hey, you're gonna get your penis clawed off by a woman made out of other ladies' parts. What do you think about that?

"It stinks!"