Thursday, December 12, 2013

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)
Director: Antonio Margheriti
Stars: David Warbeck, Almanta Suska, John Steiner

In this Italian Indiana Jones ripoff, our hero Bob Jackson (yes, that's his name) and Captain Dave his British bastard of a friend are chasing down a double traitor American spy in 1944. The guy's plane crashes and Jackson parachutes down to see if he's alive. He is, but not for long as savages turn him into a goant pincushion. Jackson gets one for good measure, but is oddly saved by a pretty white girl that the savages seem to obey.

A year later, Captain Dave tracks down Bob in the Philippines (well, that's what it looked like anyway) and offers him a shitload of money (for 1945) to track down what the spy was searching for...the mysterious Ark of the Covenant Golden Cobra.

Along the way, the guys are joined up by this creepy Jack Elan type "archeilogist" and his niece, who is the exact double for the girl who saved Bob a year earlier! Turns out  it's her twin sister, who went with her parents on a missionary trip never to return. The sexual spark between the niece and Bob would be equal to running your feet across carpet and touching your buddy (another person, not your penis).

Captain Dave is killed in an explosion, and the other three explorers set out for the treasure. Do they find it? Will they keep it? Will that mysterious man who keeps appearing in the flames come over here and start my grill? I want me some hot dogs damn it.

Six Things I've Learned From Hunters of the Golden Cobra

1. Savages will worship the hell out of a pretty white girl who dresses like a valley girl.

2. Captain Dave is the biggest damn asshole in this movie. sure he saves the day, but he pretty much forces Bob into all these situations that put him in danger and makes him do ridiculous faces. If I was Bob, I'd punch him in the face in a cock fight arena as well. Maybe a cock punch for good measure.

3. Captain Dave finds Bob at a cock fight "arena", where these two dicks start a fight. I think that people who frequent these places are actually looking for a reason to fight, but don't want to be the ones who start it because they don't want to appear like assholes. But if some random guy falls on your table and spills your beer, it's fair game. There's always etiquette. For a good example, see Roadhouse.

4. !945 Philippines was really ahead of it's time. Not only do they have modern automatic guns, but in one scene I see a guy wearing bell bottoms! Truly before their time.

5. This is one of the better Indiana Jones ripoffs as it uses some of the sequences in random order to try to throw people off. I spotted the being chased to the plane in the water by svages scenes, the kidnapping in a busy marketplace scene, the fight at the airplane strip scene, and the scene where Indy and Marion are surrounded by snakes....only here it's like 5 snakes and some assholes with tiki torches.

6. Why did they name the hero Bob Jackson!? If you're going to make an adventure film where the guy is rising his life constantly and having savages and old men covered in flames following you, you don't name your hero something that you could find in the phone book under Accountants! Spice it up a bit. Call him U.S. Jackson or Reno Monroe or Nevada Neidermeyer. Anything is better than BOB.

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