Demon Keeper (1994)

Demon Keeper (1994)

Director: Joe Tornatore

Stars: Edward Albert, Dirk Benedict, Dirk Benedict's bulging eyes

Sometimes I run across a movie that is barely considered a movie running time wise. Most of Nick Millard's "films" clock in at around an hour. Demon Keeper clocks in at 71 minutes including end credits. The difference between these two (besides the fact that Demon keeper actually LOOKS like someone gave a shit...sort of) is that Death Nurse was so loaded with filler, if it was a person it'd be the guy who filled up on the free breadsticks at Olive Garden. This movie however, could have used about 10-15 more minutes because what we have here is a movie that goes all over the place for no reason whatsoever.

The basic story is that Remy (Albert) is a con man who does fake seances to get money from old ladies. Hey, if it works, more power to him. He invites a wealthy old lady and her distrustful son to his house for the weekend, along with a drunk lady and her angry husband, a guy who owes the mob money, and some other random people. Remy's surprised though when Old Lady McMoneybags brings world famous psychic Alexander Harris (Dirk and his eyes) along for the fun. 

What's a fake psychic to do? Oh I know, let's spout off some black magic!

Well of course the shit actually works and the goofiest looking demon ever put upon Earth arrives, inhabiting their bodies and making them kill each other for fun and souls. Does Remy save the day? Does Dirk Benedict save the day? Will the demon (which I've named the Lord of Derp) kill everyone off and watch some football in his tighty whities? It's on youtube, go watch for yourself.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Look Out For

- When Remy's wife calls for the dog, instead of the sweet loving family pet, she ends up with a snarling angry hellbeast. Now this would have scarier had they not decided that they would use a handpuppet so badly made, that it makes the werewolf handpuppet in Werewolf look like a Rick Baker creation.

- Watch for the enjoyable "chasing a deadbeat gambler through a golf course" scene. Not sure how the gambler plans to extort money from Remy, but he needs to before he meets the Embalmer. We never see the Embalmer, but I'm sure he's played by Robert Ginty.

- Burning someone's boob off is not an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do. Except oddly in this case it is. 

- Ever wondered what would happen if you used a thighmaster for 25 years? The guy trying to fuck his wife sure didn't want to know. Snap crackle pop his lower half.

- If you're scary monster looks like something that's wandering around Universal Studios in October, it might be a good idea to not light him as if he's in the spotlight at the Apollo. A little goes a loooong way.

- Also doesn't help when you give the demon such great dialogue like "He wants to kill you!" "You are a drunken pig!" and his delightful catchphrase "KILL HIM/HER! KILL! KILL HIM/HER". He sounds less like a minion of hell and more like a frat boy yelling at a pledge to shave a goat's scrotum.

-Look Dirk, I know this movie doesn't make sense. I know there's more plotholes than a blind man playing Tetris, but you could have put a little more effort in your acting performance. I know you wanted your bulging eyeballs to get most of the credit, but the nice man is paying you to act. At least it's not Bodyslam.

Must have looked at his IMdb.

Savage Vows (1994)

Savage Vows (1994)

Director: Robert Dennis

Stars: Kelly Ashton, Armond Sposto,, Mark Polonia

We start off Awful Movie Month with the twin terrors of no budget cinema, the Polonia Brothers. Best known for Splatter Farm and Feeders, my dumb ass decided to start things off with one of their lesser known "films".

From what I could tell due to the subpar audio, some guy is upset because his wife is dead, so all his moronic buddies show up to bum off him. They make him grill food, force him to watch horror movies, and then hit him up for money! At that point, I wanted him to be the killer just so he'd have a few less hot dogs to put on the grill for these moochers.

Someone's POVing around killing these yokels, and because it's happy you're even watching it, the movie brings in a couple more people to get mutilated...although looking at these people, it might be an improvement.

 This film rivals Death Nurse in the amount of the cast that is ugly. Death Nurse is at 100%...Savage Vows is only at 98%.

Six Things I've Learned From Savage Vows 

1. Love the wildly inappropriate music that randomly plays throughout this film. It seems like all genres were represented here. I was particularly fond of the one that sounded like it should be playing on the loudspeakers at the mall. Very scary stuff.

2. Everyone drives back from the funeral. Later on one of the characters gets so upset she runs out of the house and ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CEMETERY! Either she's a fucking olympic sprinter or those were some lazy assholes.

3. The audio in this is beyond atrocious. You either can't hear a damn thing they are saying or you hear it in some weird echo chamber. Not that what they had to say was important...or acted very well, but it would have been nice to know WHAT was said.

4. Mark Polonia has what is commonly known as a bad high school mustache. But that man is so fucking proud of it, he puts it on full display in this film. Mark Polonia's Wild Mustache Ride is one ride with no waiting time...or people in line.

5. I must admit that I had a bit of glee in me watching some crazy gibberish spouting homeless man get stabbed literally a hundred times with one of those fake retractable knives you see in halloween shops. Not so much when his manlike female companion got a painfully obvious plastic meat cleaver in the back.

6. This movie is already short enough at 71 minutes, but they had to actually pad this pile of Mickey Rooney's meat morsels by having the killer do what I can only guess is a real estate tour of the house. "And over here is where I plan to stab you with an arrow I got out of one of those toy bow and arrows sets at the Woolworths. And this here is a perfect spot to decapitate your loved ones!"

 

Clerks (1994)

Clerks (1994)

Director: Kevin Smith

Stars: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Marilyn Ghigliotti, Jason Mewes

In this indie comedy that launched the career of director Kevin Smith (also made for around 37 grand), we peer into the not so average day of Dante Hicks and Randall Graves working at a convince store/video store. Returning exes, old men masturbating in the bathroom, the first appearance of Jay and Silent Bob, and gum in the locks. I wasn't even spose to be posting today!

Six Things I've Learned from Clerks

1. Your girlfriend can still be awesome even though she snowballed the brain dead guy.

2. Always bring more than one ball to your roof hockey games. Otherwise you'll have the cut the game short and go back to work.

3. Never let strange old men jerk off in your bathroom. They'll likely die and get raped...sometimes in that very order.

4. Don't trust a man who carries around used trach rings and pictures of gross lungs. They're either work for the chewing gum industry, or they want you to end up in a bathtub full of ice.

5. This movie showed me that women with penises was something people wanted to watch, instead of what happens at the end of every blind date I went on in the 90's.

6. As hard as I try, I still can't dance as well as Jay and Silent Bob. Bastards.