Friday, June 29, 2012

Omega Cop VHS Artwork

"Alright guys, you go into that crime ridden city back there and look out for trouble. Me, I'm staying here in this vast post nuclear desert to read nudie magazines keep an eye out for trouble. I'll be fine alone...just me and my copy of giant juggs my shotgun.

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)
Director: Liam Lynch
Stars, Jack Black, Kyle Gass, JR Reed

Young JB runs away from home and joins up with a local musician to form the greatest rock band in the world, Tenacious D. With help from their pizza delivering buddy Lee, the duo set out to find the Pick of Destiny, a guitar pick used by all the classical guitar gods and claimed to be made from the tooth of Satan himself! Will they find it? Will Satan be pissed? Will Lee get his car back in one piece?

Six Things I've Learned From Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

1. I've found a great way to ring doorbells at parties due to this movie.

2. The Devil has an impressive array of sex toys.

3. I would want a dad like Meatloaf if he would berate me in song.

4. I tried working on my power slide, but ended up running into the cat's food and water. the cat was not amused and pooped in my shoes. I wish I had known that before I put my shoes on.

5. If you plan to rock hard, please do so with others in mind. You don't know how messy it is to clean up someone after their head explodes.

6. I have the word "Gaping" on my ass. If anyone out there has the word "Plotholes" on their ass, then we're forming a band.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Beyond Evil VHS Artwork

Hey lady! Give me some privacy will ya!? I'm trying to get to know myself better!!

Zombie Vs Ninja (1989)

Zombie Vs Ninja (1989)
Director: Godfrey Ho (well at least the scenes with white people in it)
Stars: Pierre Kirby, Dewey Bosworth, Patrick Frzebar

It's really hard to describe director Godfrey Ho took a typical film about a guy seeking revenge against those who killed his dad, threw in a bugs bunny looking undertaker who trains him, add horrible dialouge over it, and then film additional scenes with a whole other subplot filled with white people in ninja outfits made out of multicolored hefty bags. There's also mention of gold but I'll be damned if I saw any.

Six Things (HA!) I've Learned from Zombie Vs Ninja

1. I have trouble believing that there were people in China named "Ethan".

2. Instead of finding a needle in a haystack, you're more likely to find a dead body. That's a lazy ass Undertaker

3. You could tell the white guys (with great names like Duncan, Ira, and Bobby) were ninjas due to the headbands with NINJA written on it. I'm not kidding. Look!

Ira the ninja strike a fearful pose.

4. Godfrey Ho really enjoyed making the Bugs Bunnytaker talk about taking a shit.They do at least three or four shit jokes. They stunk.

5. Ninjas are able to hide in the forest with their neon yellow and pink outfits. Like chameleons.

6.  At no point whatsoever did I know what the hell was going on. Ever. Ethan's fighting a bad guy, then Bugs Bunnytaker has a cross the world conversation with the All American Ninja...then some evil woman is killing guys she sleeps with...AND I NEVER FOUND OUT ABOUT THE F'ING GOLD!!

I either hate you or love you Godfrey Ho. Mostly hate though mixed with a little bewilderment and slightly frightened.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #5!

In our latest show, we are introduced to Dan's intern Marty. Also Dan decides it's "Bring your zombie to work" day with hilarious and disastrous results. 

Listen here!

Track Listing

Show Opening
Zombie Nation (Shaun of the Dead)
Living Dead (Psychomania)- Frog
Switchblade Sisters Trailer
Shock Waves Suite (Shock Waves)- Richard Einhorn
Long Time Woman (Big Doll House/Jackie Brown)- Pam Grier
Deep Red Rum ( Ad
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies- Carol Kamenis
Segment One (introduction to Marty the Intern)
Zombi Theme (Zombi 2)- Fabio Frizzi
You're A Cool Dude (Berserker)
Eyeball Trailer
Facebook Abuse Public Service Announcement
Theme from The Warriors
Theme from The Dead Next Door
Segment Two
Spider Baby Theme (Spider Baby)- Lon Chaney Jr.
Robocop Theme (Robocop) - Basil Poledouris
The South's Gonna Rise Again (2000 Maniacs)
Surfin' Dead (Return of the Living Dead)- The Cramps
Fulci Funk Medley
Show Closing

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Roadhouse (1989)

Roadhouse (1989)
Director: Rowdy Herrington
Stars: Patrick Swayze, Ben Gazarra, Kelly Lynch

In what can only be described as the greatest movie set in a bar ever (and also tops Mike Nelson's cheesiest movie list), Dalton (Swayze) is the ultimate male. Meditates with his shirt off, makes love on rocky walls, shoves people heads into tables...he can do it all. But can Dalton beat the local wealthy psychopath (Gazarra) with eyes for Dalton's honey (Lynch)?  Also, gratuitous butt shot...of Swayze. 

Six Things I've Learned from Roadhouse

1. I know most of you expect me to say "pain don't hurt" but I tried this theory out in my local bar and got a beer bottle smashed upside my head. Pain does in fact hurt like a bitch.

2. While I think Sam Elliot is an awesome actor, I never thought to myself "Hey, this movie needs some Sam Elliot pubes".

3. It's easy to run a town when the town is made up of like five or six buildings. You practically have the pick of any number of sleazy scumbags to hire.

4. Extremely tall men have no dancing ability whatsoever. It's really embarrassing. Please stop it.

5. I wonder if Jeff Healey's character got to bang lots of hot chicks, or if his band mates only told him they were hot when they look like a shovelface.

6. You know, Patrick Swayze really does have a sweet ass.

Monday, June 18, 2012

The People Who Own The Dark VHS Artwork

Listed on the tombstone is everyone whose career died because of this movie. I hear the Dark is a nice place to visit. Ronnie James Dio even has a rainbow there.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #4!

In the latest in a line of ridiculous shows, Dan gets bitten by Count Dracula and becomes a vampire! This all vampire edition of the show inclues Drac trying to teach Dan the ways of the undead. He has a better shot of getting an all over tan.

Listen here!

Track Listing

Show opening (Street Fighter Theme/Bach's Toccata and Fugue)
Dark Night (From Dusk Til Dawn)- The Blasters
Rabid Score (Rabid)
The Lions and the Cucumbers (Vampyros Lesbos)
Love At First Bite Trailer
Segment One
There He Is Again (Blacula)
Rock Until You Drop (The Monster Squad)
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Trailer
Segment Two
Night of the Pentagram (Dark Shadows)- The Robert Cobert Orchestra
Bela Lugosi's Dead (The Hunger)- Bauhaus
Main Theme of Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter
Segment Three
Theme from Dracula (Dracula 1931)
Let Me Rest in Peace (Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV)- James Marsters
The Fearless Vampire Killers Theme
Cry Little Sister (The Lost Boys)- Gerald McMann
Fatal (Blade Trinity)- RZA
Closing Segment (Theme from Dark Shadows)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Necropolis (1987)

Necropolis (1987) 
Director: Bruce Hickey 
Stars: LeeAnne Baker, Michael Conte, Jacquie Fitz, George Anthony-Rayza 

Plot: Reincarnated "Satanic Witch" from New Amsterdam, circa 1600's comes back to revive her cult members by sucking the life force out of people. 

 6 Things I Learned from Necropolis 
 1. Raggedy Ann’s existed in the 1800’s. 

 2. The demons of Hell seemingly shop at party stores.

  3. The best place to pick up women is at crime scenes. 

 4. Witches can grow four extra boobs. 

 5. Witches make good hookers. 

 6. The fridge is a good place to hide a dead body.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio #3!

On this new edition of Wide Weird World of Cult Radio, I inherit a spooky mansion and broadcast from there! there someone out to get me? As always, feel free to send music requests to .

Track Listing

Show Opening 
Disco Blue (Blue Sunshine)
Dead By Dawn Remix (Evil Dead Trilogy)
Suspiria Radio Spot
High School Nights (Porky's Revenge)- Dave Edmunds
Deep Red Rum ( Ad
Time Has Come Today (Bad Dreams)- Chambers Brothers
Chick Habit (Death Proof)- April March
Friday The 13th Part 2 Radio Spot
Segment 2
Phantasm Disco Theme (Phantasm)- Captain Zorror
Freakin Awesome Network ( Ad
Together in Electric Dreams (Electric Dreams)- Phil Oakley
Shake it Out (Hard Rock Zombies)- Paul Sabu
The Young Nurses Radio Spot
Killer Klowns from Outer Space Theme- The Dickies
Segment 3
Twin Peaks Theme- Angelo Badalamenti
The Trapper Song- Cannibal! The Musical
House of Dark Shadows Radio Spot
The Toxic Avenger Theme (Toxic Avenger)
Are You Ready For Freddy (Nightmare on Elm Street 4)- Fat Boys
Closing Segment

Friday, June 8, 2012

Model Behavior VHS Artwork

"Hey! HEY! Git down off of dat chair righ this instant!"

"Oh, Henry. Don't git too mad now. It's just model behavior"

"She dun got suntan lotion all over my masturbating chair!"

Shock Treatment (1981)

Shock Treatment (1981)
Director: Jim Sharman
Stars: Richard O'Brien, Jessica Harper, Cliff DeYoung

In the television studios of Denton Television (DTV), Brad and Janet Majors sit with the rest of the fanatics in the stands. But when their lives become part of the programming, Brad ends up in a straitjacket while Janet becomes a reality tv star. Who is behind this...and what's with the creepy blind guy? This continuation of sorts of The Rocky Horror Picture Show spoofs what is known as reality television well over a decade before it starts worming its way into our brains and rotting them.

Six Things I've Learned from Shock Treatment

1. Your In-Laws will sell you out for a nice dream house set

2. I'd like a nurse like Nell Campbell, if only she was a mute.

3. I was to go on tour as a roadie for Oscar Drill and the Bits. 

4. While the atmosphere in Rocky Horror was more fun, I'll dare say that the music here was much better. Yeah I said it. Got a problem? Take a jump to the left and get the hell away from me.

5.  Look for Rik Mayall as "rest Home" Ricky. I was so hoping he'd break out in a Cliff Richard tune...maybe Devil Woman. Those lyrics really have something to say.

6. I truly believe that Bert Schnick is a David Lynch character that ended up in the wrong movie. He seemed better suited in something like Blue Velvet, huffing gas and having sex with ugly prostitutes.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Boxer's Omen (1983)

The Boxer's Omen (1983) 
 Director: Chih-Hung Kuei 
Stars: Somjai Boomsong, Tien-chu Chin, Phillip Ko 

Six Things I Learned from The Boxer's Omen 

1. Bats are brought back to life via rat blood. 

2. Spiders drink through straws. 

3. Once your twin's body decomposes, you die. 

4. Normally, when someone vomits a snake, they see a doctor. Not boxers. They're too tough for that. 

 5. A monk can blow up a flying skull with his mind. 

6. Boxers' girlfriends will castrate you if you pass along STD's.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #2!

In a new edition of the radio show, I bemoan (a little too loudly) the loss of something very very close to me. Call this a "tribute" show of sorts. Listen in and pay your respects here.

Track Listing
Blazing Saddle/WWWOCF ad
Show Opening
Freddy's Dead (Superfly)- Curtis Mayfield
Voltron Opening (with Dialogue)
The Exorcist RadioSpot
The Sword of Damocles (Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Deep Red Rum ( Ad
Tenebre (Tenebre)- Goblin
Hotel California (Big Lebowski)- Gypsy Kings
Superman: The Movie Radio Spot
People Like Us (True Stories)- John Goodman
Redcard Headbutt ( Ad
Closing Theme from Las Vegas Bloodbath
Show Segment (storytime)
Dream Away (Time Bandits)- George Harrison
Idiot Control Now (MST3K)- Joel and the Bots
Cleopatra Jones Radio Spot
I Want It Now (Willy Wonka)- Veruca Salt
Repo Man (Repo Man)- Iggy Pop
Freakin Awesome Network ( Ad
Main Theme from House (Hausu)
Christmas Time (The Meaning of Life)- Monty Python
Fright Night (Fright Night)- J. Geils Band
Closing Segmen/ The Rose (The Rose)- Bette Midler