Grizzly (1976)

Grizzly (1976)

Director: William Girdler

Stars: Christopher George, Andrew Prime, A big ass bear

For this special review for the Nature's Fury Blogathon I decided to call in a few favors and have longtime conservation icon Smokey the Bear join me for this review. His comments will be in italics.

  Smokey, I want to thank you for helping me out today. Been a big fan since I was a wee lad in the late 70's.

  Don't put it that way! It makes me sound old. *laughs*

  *laughs* You're only as old as you feel right? 
  

  That's true. Dan, I'm glad you asked me here today because I've wanted to talk about this movie for a long time now.

  I was not aware of that.
  

 Oh yeah. There are some points in this film that I think need to be closely looked at today.

  You mean the movie Grizzly, directed by the late William Girdler in 1976, which stars Christopher George as a park ranger that has to deal with a huge killer bear...
  

  Let me stop you there. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

  What, Christopher George?
  

  No, I'm talking about this ridiculous notion that the title character in this film is a savage ruthless killer, when in fact he's the victim in this.

  Did we watch the same movie? Because I seem to remember the bear being the "bad guy" so to speak in this. I mean, this is after all a Jaws ripoff. An entertaining one for sure, but one nonetheless.

  Why is the bear the bad guy, if I may ask?

  Oh I don't know, maybe walking around and eating a bunch of people. 

  There's the key word, "eat". Bears, like all other living beings, need some sort of food to survive, correct?

  Well...yeah. I guess.

  This so called "killer" needed food to live. And in the woods, sometimes food can be scarce to find. I know I had this one weekend where I was so hungry I ate a tree. You ever eaten a tree?

  I...can't say that I have.
  

  It sucks. So this grizzly is scared and hungry, and here are these humans invading his natural habitat. So of course a bear's going to get desperate. If he hadn't been starving, he probably would have just let those folks know how to put a campfire out when they left.

  With all due respect, I think you're overthinking this a bit.
  

  You need to check your human privilege, meat bag.

  Check my what?
  

  You heard me, asshole. You sit there all smug in your clothing and your hairless bodies...

  You obviously haven't seen my back.
  

  ...Gross. Anyway, you humans have done everything in your power to keep the mighty bear down. Putting us on unicycles, making us wrestle humans, hell even making me wear pants and this dumbass hat. I want my little grizzly to swing free like NATURE intended.

  I'm getting a bit uncomfortable with this, man.
  

  Do I look like your "man"? So you're uncomfortable? GOOD! You should be!

  I don't know what sort of power you think I wield over the bear universe, but I'm not the one doing those things. I just watched this movie, which we're supposed to talk about.
   

 Yeah you watched. And you did nothing about it. Which makes you as bad as Christopher George. How's THAT for talking about the movie!?

  Creative, I admit. But why hate on Christopher George? I mean, this is just a movie! And didn't he cater to the bears by posing nude in Playgirl back in the 70's?
  

  That's an entirely different kind of bear, you moron.

  It is? Huh. So what I was saying is, you're using a movie from 1976 to prove that there is some human agenda to suppress bears?
  

  You damn right there is.

  But you've spent decades helping humans to protect themselves from fires.
  

  I'm not trying to protect you filthy meat bags! I'm trying to make sure you fucknuts don't burn down the woods and kill all my relatives!

  OK, so you want to go down this road, I'm willing to do that. I'd like to mention a certain famous bear that's been allowed to commit crime after crime without any sort of jail time. I'm referring to one Yogi the bear.
  

  Oh here we go...

  Do you or do you not admit that Yogi has been caught, on film no less, multiple times stealing?

   Yes, but it was only picnic baskets. 

  Only picnic baskets? You mean picnic baskets full of food so hungry humans wouldn't starve?
  

  It's not the same thing. You can just go to the grocery store. You ever see a bear in a grocery store? They constantly eye you while you try to find the ripest melons.

  Alright then. I want to bring up something about this movie that really bothered me. In this film, the grizzly kills several people, correct?
  

  Self preservation, but yes.

  I found it quite telling that other than the two main supporting characters, played by Andrew Prine and Richard Jaeckel, and one other ranger, that all the other victims were women?
  

  What do you mean?

  What I mean is, it sure seems like that poor ol' lil grizzly bear sure likes bumping off the ladies. I tend to find that just a wee bit sexist.

 That is preposterous.  

  I don't know. Ripping ladies' arms off, using one as a chew toy in his mouth. Oh, and let's not forget when he mauled that MOTHER who trying to save her CHILD from being an appetizer for this misunderstood bear.
  

  I see what you're doing there, and you're an asshole.

  A toddler, Smokey. Petting a damn cute little bunny rabbit. Did the bear wipe his ass with the rabbit afterwards?
  

  I don't have to take this shit. I'm leaving.

  I think that's for the best. Maybe it's best not to meet one's heroes. They always seem to disappoint.
  

  Fuck you Lashley. Also, don't forget to prevent forest fires. But mainly, fuck you.

Candy Colored Nightmares S2E1!

Today has been an exciting day here in Cult Film land. In addition to getting 1000 likes on Facebook, we have a brand spanking new season of Candy Colored Nightmares for you all! In this look into the dreams of Alabaster TNT, we see a somewhat brutal mashup of celebrities singing. It's as bad as it sounds but hey, there's bonus Thor for you all! Enjoy!

Candy Colored Nightmares S2E1 by alabastertnt

White Cop (2014)

White Cop (2014)

Director: Jake Myers

Stars: Ben Kobold, David Liebe Hart, Liz Harvey

From time to time, I have people wanting me to review their movie. I've always been a bit hesitant because while I do love getting screeners (yay free!) there's this little part of me that needs to hold back if I hate it. Yes, the guy who took a dump on Nick Millard over and over again is someone who doesn't want to be a total dick to people only wanting reviews of their film.

So why did I decide to review this particular film? I saw the trailer and it actually appealed to me. Also I'm a fan of public access stuff and David Liebe Hart is a veteran of public access  due to his Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show.

This spoof of action films stars Ben Kobold as Kip White, a cop trying to take down the European Drug Cartel after they kill his partner and best friend. When he loses his badge he joins up with a new vigilante group to fight the cartel and end the rampant drug use of Stamp, which you can't mail but will send you to a far away place. Y'know, cause yer all fucked up.

Things I Took/Learned From White Cop

- The main character kind of alternated between hilariously inept and overwhelmingly annoying. Maybe it's because of the script (which wasn't bad at all, just a bit uneven), but Kobold does a good job overall.

- The flashback to Kip and his partner frolicking together is quite homoerotic and pretty damn funny. Who hasn't put two straws in their drink to share with his best friend...anyone? Please?

- I like that among all the insanity, there was a character (Dr. Wilder) who saw that Kip is a complete basket case. Of course it doesn't change one thing, but it's nice to see.

- I don't know about you, but I get leery whenever a tv reporter comes up to me in a bar and starts giving me pep talks. I've been on the news one too many times without my pants on.

- If you love 80's style synch music (sometimes called New Retrowave) then this film has you hooked up via the band Lazerhawk. I love that kind of music, so it's a big plus. I play it when I drive to the store. I like to pretend I'm Tubbs.

Overall, I really liked this movie. There were some plot points that got left unanswered, but for once I don't wish to spoil the movie. The look of the movie was very professional and there were traces of those by gone 80's action cop movies scattered among the comedy. The comedy hits far more than misses due to a good cast. I'm just happy to find a recent movie I didn't hate with a passion. That's the biggest thumbs up you can get from my cynical ass.

Plus David Liebe Hart is the mayor. I'd vote for him.

Here's the trailer for those of you who don't just take my word. Shame on you. I'm not hurt...I mean I am a little.

Tabloid (1985)

Tabloid (1985)

Director: Bret McCormick, Matt Devlen

Stars: Lisa Loeb, Glen Coburn, Scott Davis

One problem of having so many movies is that I'm not always sure WHAT the movie is about. This shows that I am in fact a hoarder, but instead of stacks and stacks of knick-knacks featuring Elvis in bejeweled jumpsuits on them, I hoard obscure movies. So going through some of these "films" I noticed one that caught my eye, so I decided to watch and review it.

This was a mistake.

Seeing Bret McCormick's name, I should have been tipped off that this was going to suck. McCormick wrote and directed some of the worst AIP (Action International Pictures) movies put to videotape. But seeing this was his first film, I thought "Hey, maybe he shot his wad early and went downhill". I don't think he had a wad to shoot.

Tabloid is a comedy anthology that spoofs things like the Weekly World News. They have three stories all telling a backstory to some tabloid headline, which I admit is a good premise. Too bad every story sucks (doubly so in the last one). The movie starts with aliens kidnapping an aerobics instructor holding classes in Buffalo Bill's basement. I was wondering where this was going to go, but much like everything else in this film, it  goes nowhere. It's never even mentioned again What a waste of time.

We then go to the offices of the World Investigator, a sleazy tabloid where it looks like a secretary is training the new reporter. We get to meet the cranky owner and find out her backstory. They were really pushing the hell out of these characters. So of course after the admittedly original credits (complete with theme song) and a few shorts scenes, we set up the first story and never EVER see these people again. Quit playing games with my heart you asshole!

Much like I did with Tales From the Quadead Zone, I'll go over each story individually.

Baby Born With Full Beard AKA Hey, Let's Kill That Drug Dealer!

 This story has a guy selling weed to some moron. The weed is no good, so moron and his cousin Rambo (yes, Rambo) and some nameless bastard decide to kill him. Too bad they never met his pregnant gun toting wife or her hideous Family Feud lovin' momma.

- Never buy pot from a guy whose idea of a good time is sitting on his car drinking beer. It may seem like fun, but before you know it, yer 40.

- If you need to smoke an entire bag of pot before realizing that you got ripped off, maybe you don't need to smoke it. You need those remaining brain cells to do things like walk and scratch your ass.

- Come for the stereotypes, stay for the awful southern accents.

-The one funny moment in this happens when the nameless bastard suggests they rape the shit out of the mother. The other two guys are like "She's all yours, bubba." Yep, A rape joke is the funniest thing in this story. Think about that.

- After a pregnant lady shoots your cousin Rambo from a speeding car, maybe it's time to just call it a day and cut your losses. By losses I mean the pot, not Rambo. He's a schmuck.

After the drug dealin shotgun shooting family kills the people who were fucking wronged in a bad drug deal, the woman gives birth...to the bearded kid. Yep. All that useless fucking backstory for a 5 second shot of a bearded baby. 

BBQ Of the Dead AKA WHAT THE EVER LOVIN FUCK?!

A dead guy comes back and invites his dead neighbors over for a barbeque. He gets upset that they were just sitting there in their coffins rotting and leaves. The sun comes up and they die again. That's it. 

- The zombie/dead makeup was pretty effective. The blackened eyes kinda gave me the creeps.

 I don't really have anything else to add. This story didn't give us ANY backstory to this. Hey, how about not giving us the tabloid owner's entire goddamn history and put those few minutes to use explaining what the fuck is going on in this shitcicle of a story! 

There's one more!? FUCK.

Killer Vacuum Destroys Town AKA Don't Piss Off Your Stepdaughter

A weatherman is correctly predicting tornadoes. Is he Criswell? No, he doesn't have his style, but he does have a daughter who is giving him the tornado information. How does she know? And why are we watching her get abused by some harpy with a mole? We actually do find out for once. Doesn't mean it's any good though.

- Very weird to see Lisa Loeb in this. She's the daughter who ends up (spoiler..oh who gives a shit) creating tornadoes using vacuums. How this is happening is of course never explained.

- Is there really a need on the networks for a goofy natural disaster predicting weatherman in a stupid bow tie?

-Why the hell do we need to watch two tv stations techs interact with each other for at least 5 minutes?! They add nothing to the story or plot. I don't care that the guy is never gonna score with the woman. Even if he has a whoopee cushion. We all know that's a panty dropper.

- Please have the guy with the awful speech impediment say "The tornados in your housth" 17 more times. It never gets old...or funny.

- Why did they need to stretch the stepmother's death out by 10 minutes? Couldn't you have used those ten minutes for something useful like refunding everyone's rental fee who got suckered into watching this!?

Maybe I'm being too picky, but I like my comedies to be, you know, funny. Not even a late scene where President Reagan buys one of the tabloids is enough to move my chuckle meter (bought it at Radio Shack). The cinematography was fine, but the writing and the dialogue came off like two middle schoolers giggling at their own jokes. Jokes no rational human being would find humorous. No wonder nobody tried to review this film. I'm the only one stupid enough to watch it!

Jeff Goldblum is the everyman in Buckaroo Banzai

Those who know me know that the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai is one of my all time favorite films. Hell, it was in the first logo for this very site! When Barry of Cinematic Catharsis mentioned he was putting together this Goldblumathon, it was the perfect chance for me to talk about one of the main reasons why I loved this film so much. 

Jeff Goldblum plays US (the everyman/woman) in this film.

You may say to yourself, "Is Lashley drunk again!?" Well, yeah a little bit, but hear me out here. There are several things that lead me to believe this theory.

1. He's in awe of Buckaroo

Buckaroo is the ultimate celebrity. Doctor, scientist, rock star, comic book hero...the man does it all. Everyday folk don't always get the chance to interact with major celebrities, so we live vicariously through films. THIS film knows that, so Goldblum (playing New Jersey) plays us by proxy...being in awe that Buckaroo could easily walk in and help him with a complicated operation, and then casually traveling through a mountain. And don't tell me you don't get a little star struck. I saw how you wet your pants when you met the puppet Madame. I saw EVERYTHING.

2. His outfit

After being asked to join the Hong Kong Cavaliers, Goldblum decides to dress the part of a music star. Sure most people wouldn't be caught dead in an oversized cowboy hat and assless chaps (I think they were assless), but dig a little deeper, shallow Hal. Country music is pure Americana...music for the working class and the schmoes like us, who are lazy bastards. His outfit tells us "Hey, I'm a man of the people...and I choose to represent them in this outfit". Bravo, sir.

3. His awkwardness in the HK Cavaliers

Now the Hong Kong Cavaliers are a group of guys who are pretty much Buckaroo's inner circle, so for an everyday guy like Goldblum to join up is both exciting and a bit nerve racking. Who here hasn't gotten to join an elite group (like following me on twitter) only to not know what to say or do? As an everyday person, one would also feel out of place and a bit apprehensive among these living TMZ headliners. New Jersey is playing out my joining the Spanish Club on the big screen, man.

4. He has a different way of viewing things.

So you're probably saying "Man, that Lashley really must be hitting the good stuff", to which I would reply "make me another drink or it's the back of my hand for you!" I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean that. Really. Let's start over.

At one point, the guys break into Yoyodine's computers and notice that they all have names that 3rd graders would snicker at. Names like John Big Bootay and John Small Berries. Hehehe. That means small balls. They noticed all these guys registered their date of birth on exactly the same day, October 31st, 1938, in Grover Mills, New Jersey. While the ego trippin celebs are trying vainly to figure out what it all means, our everyman by proxy figures out that This was the date of the infamous War of the Worlds radio broadcast. By knowing that, he figures out that the radio broadcast was real, but the aliens used some sort of mind control to say it was a hoax. Only a person with their ear to the grindstone could have figured that out. What celebrity do you think can do that? Bradley Cooper? Scarlett Johansson? Maybe Tara Reid, but that's it.

5. He's loyal

Buckaroo didn't have to choose Goldblum to join his band of merry men, but he did, so Goldblum is extremely loyal and helpful to Buckaroo. Examples including having a gun ready for him, and doing his damndest to save Penny after being tortured. The common everyday folk are a loyal bunch, preferring to stick to certain things, as they know it's what they like and has gotten a favorable response. I'm making everyday people sound more like pets now. This may not have been a good point.

Well there you have it, one drunken man's insane but 100% true theory about Jeff Goldblum playing the common man in this wonderful cult film. It says a lot of Jeff's acting ability to be able to sink himself to such depths to play us. It's like how million dollar celebrities play crack whores. That was a bit of self loathing I didn't expect from me. Time for another drink.

Read the rest of the Goldblumathon entries (including one by my much more talented wife) and remember, Goldblum is forever.

Candy Colored Nightmares Episode 1!

What do you get when you mix a fat satanist in a toga, a 3 second rule about awful singing, frozen fruit snacks, and a guy named Alan? You get Candy Colored Nightmares, the latest from the Wide Weird World of Cult Films team! We peek inside the brain of beloved masked superhero Alabaster TNT as he naps on the couch. The results may cause awkwardness and slight itching.

Potpourri (2011)

Potpourri (2011)

Director: Elliot Diviney

Stars: Ryan Kiser, Mike Borka, Shannon McDonnough

After picking some less than stellar selections on Netflix, I decided to see if my wife could pick a better choice. This is the movie she chose.

A group of college students have one night to finish their term papers amd turn it in. Seems like an impossible task? Well of course it does. So how do you cope with trying to do a deeply researched paper on philosophy? If you said take lots of mind altering drugs, then that couch behind you probably told you that. Quit cheating.

Things gets a little out of control as it turns out the drugs are a bit...stronger than they should be. Of course this all ends with a zombie invasion. It's the only logical conclusion.

This is of course a horror comedy, and while I admit to be hesitant to watch horror comedies because of how badly most low budget filmmakers pull it off, this one actually did it. I admit it, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Good camerawork, a cast that can actually act, ad some pretty good gore effects to boot. 

Holy shit, they DO put more than unwatchable new crap on Netflix!

Six Things I Took From Potpourri

1. Noah may be the coolest character this side of Dazed and Confused's Wooderson, except without the creepy pedo stach and bright orange jeans. I only have the orange jeans. They make my butt look huge.

2. They had a k-y type jelly that once put on your chest , would make you trip. A couple guys ended up in a wooded King Arthur like place, killing barbarians and saving princesses. I took the same stuff and ended up stuck in a pipe with my bare ass hanging out thinking I was Mario. Maybe if I had a mushroom...

3. There is a musical number about great philosophers. Yes, it's a drug induced hallucination, but it's a catchy song  that stuck in my head afterwards. Shannon McDonnough's charming hipster character (and great singing voice) doesn't hurt things.

4. It's pretty refreshing to see a gay character in a movie and you're not being bashed in the head with "HEY THIS GUY IS GAY! LOOK AT HOW GAY HE IS!". He was a realistic, funny character. Bravo, Mr. Diviney.

5. This movie pokes fun at the online movie reviewer by having one "watching" the movie with comments every so often. Outside of a zombie invasion, it's eerily similar to how I watch a movie. I think guys like me jumped the shark, then took the shark out to dinner, slept with it, and then sent them a text saying it wasn't working out. It wasn't the shark...it was me.

6. Drugs don't write term papers, guys you meet in public bathrooms do.

 

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Director: Michael Cooney

Stars: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Scott MacDonald

So you thought the shower raping killer snowman was gone? WRONG! It seems the goverment can't leave shit well enough alone and dig up the antifreeze containing our watery villain. Some dipshit spills coffe on him and for some fucking reason, he returns to kill.

The Sheriff from the first movie is going on vacation with his wife, his pal Joe, and his annoying to the 13th degree soon to be wife. They arrive at a tropical island but having loser radar, ol' Jack finds his way to the island as well.

I have to admit something...I've never seen the first Jack Frost. It's not that I've never had the chance...it's just I try to avoid movies that everyone else gush on about (even for how bad it is). I mean, yeah, I liked the Room but Birdemic was a boring piece of shit and was hard to sit through even with the Rifftrax commentary. So when I saw the trailer for this on youtube, I thought "why the hell not". Then I thought "I wonder if I'm the only person who enjoys Bac-os on their own". Then my wife tells me to shut up because I've been saying that shit out loud instead of thinking.

Six Things I've Learned from Jack Frost 2

1. If you work at a place where the owner wears a safai suit 24/7, the security guy looks like a chubby Snake Plisken, and your coworker is Captain Fun, I'd look for the nearest icicle to impale myself on.

2. I have to reluctantly admit, this is a pretty fun movie. It doesn't take itself seriously, and it doesn't beat you over the head with jokes aimed at people with the IQ of a 3 week dead squid. The ice cube to the nipples scene is a real highlight for horror comedy that actually works.

3. I'm always amused when there are nude scenes in a film and they go out of their way to cut out any of the lower nudity. I'm sure it's because the actress doesn't want her golden vagina to be on display, but I like to imagine that the director was morally against showing it. " Bare breasts are fine, but I will NOT sully the good name of Jack Frost with the showing of baby incubators!"

4. I could tell this was set at Christmas because when the resort bus unloaded, I counted four main morons, three dumb bimbos, two stupid jocks, and a gay man stereotype.

5. Dear God was seeing Captain Fun get an icicle in the face one of life's simple pleasures. I rewound and watched that scene a good 15-20 times. I...have issues.

6. On a tragically sad but morbidly funny note, star Christopher Allport was killed in 2008...by an avalanche. Yes, lots of snow. I'm not always the best judge of it, but I "think" that might go in the irony files.

Skatetown U.S.A. (1979)

Skatetown U.S.A (1979)

Director: William A. Levey

Stars: Patrick Swayze, Flip Wilson, Maureen McCormick

In the late 70's everyone and their grandmother were putting out roller skating films due to Xanadu. Had they known how badly it would bomb, they would have went with orangutan movies instead. Besides Xanadu, we had Roller Boogie, starring the still young but big tittied Linda Blair, and this mish mash of crap.But what do you expect from the guy who brings you Blackenstein and Wham! Bam! Thank You Spaceman?

I like ensemble movies, the ones where everything happens in a single day/night and involves multiple characters in different subplots, but this one just doesn't do it very well. Characters you think are important disappear for half the movie, while we're stuck watching morons like the doctor who thinks he's in Nam for what seems like hours at a time.

Flip Wilson and his dad Billy Barty (yes, the famous white little person) run Skatetown U.S.A, which is so huge it might as well be it's own actual town. There's a big skating contest and Stan from the valley plans to win it with help from his manager Chachi and his sister Marsha Brady. Standing in their way is a gang led by that dreamy dastardly Ace (Swayze in his first role).Ace never loses, not only due to his mad skills, but also because his buddy Horshack sabotages the competition.

In other asinine subplots, Flip Wilson dresses in drag as his mom, the aforementioned doctor who thinks he's in simulated 'Nam, a chick with an awesome rack being told jokes for an hour by some geriatric pervert while waiting for pizza, and Murray Langston basically being an annoying douchebag. I think I saw Ruth Buzzi in there too. 

Six Things I've Learned From Skatetown U.S.A

1. Dress him in leather, grow a beard, make him act crazy, but nobody is going to believe Ron Palillo is a mean gang thug. EVER.

2. We are cursed to have an appearance by the Unknown Comic in this film. I fully believe this is the reason that this movie has never been released on VHS or DVD (I saw it on youtube). They were trying to spare you his unfunny act!

3. The DJ in this movie not only has Gary Spivey hair (look him up), but can shoot bolts out of his hands and make terrible skating troupes appear. He's suppose to be the guy that's hip and cool, but I kept thinking that the living mr. microphone was going to electrocute himself shooting out sparks willy nilly. Bet he stole his power from KISS after they met the Phantom of the Park,

4. When I think of fun sexy teen skating disco films, I think of Dave Mason.

5. You'd think seeing Maureen McCormick wear a tube top and hot pants would do things to your "lil skating partner" but oddly it just isn't all that flattering. Damn you tube tops!

6. I fully think they were recruiting a new Village People type band. In the skate contest, you had Swayze as the gay Warrior (gang member), there was a guy dressed like Uncle Sam, someone dressed like a bullfighter or bandit or something, and Stan, who decides to be the gay Zorro after putting on a mask. This of course not at all hiding the fact that the guy playing Stan couldn't do the moves gay Zorro could. They even play Macho Man during fake Stan's routine!

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

Director: David DeCoteau (under a pseudonym)

Stars: Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Eric Roberts' drunken voice

I don't care what anyone tells me, David DeCoteau may be the worst director working today.  It's disturbing to see someone flat out saying in their films "I don't give two fucks about this except for the money". Now there's nothing wrong with money, but show a little pride in your work, man!

My mini rant out of the way, I'll try to explain the plot here. For some unknown reason, Duffy the cat has shown up to get two families together. One family, a wealthy computer programmer with terrible hair and his son...the other, a shriveled up woman and her two annoying teenagers. Sounds pretty boring right?

But this cat can motherfucking TALK!

Of course he can only talk to a person once, which makes no sense whatsoever except to lower the already staggering special effects this film has. The talking cat mouth cost well over 400 grand.

I know this is a kid's movie, and it wasn't made for ME, but the only children that would get any enjoyment out of this are those in comas. 

Six Things I've Learned From A Talking Cat!?!

1.It's common practice for lower budgeted films to use celebrities that aren't used as often as they once were. This movie has one of the odder pairings in former child star Johnny Whitaker and former hottie porn star/actress Kristine DeBell. Don't get me wrong, they were fine (it's hard not to like Whitaker) but it made me think about other odd pairings I'd like to see. Maybe Erik Estrada and Pamela Sue Martin...or perhaps Jim Nabors and Traci Lords. Well GOOOOLLLYYY!

2. There is no human being with a working brain stem that can't tell that the guy playing Johnny Whitaker's son couldn't play a straight man even if Jerry Lewis was his partner.

3. Is there a reason why Eric Roberts sounds like he's doing his line readings over a cell phone? He slurs his lines so much that I got drunk listening to him.

4. These people are obsessed with cheese puffs. At one point, the movie gets centered around making cheese puffs. I thought about making a drinking game whenever anyone said "cheese puffs" (and it has to be at least 30 times) but then I realized that I'd have to watch this movie again. Let someone else suffer.

5. Why the fuck is there clown music playing over half this movie. Sure Vampire Cop had all sorts of inappropriate music, but this one has a real circus  theme going on. Next time I hear a slide whistle I'm going to burn a clown car. That's 60 clowns going down!

6. I know DeCoteau is gay, and I don't care about that. But at some point, you have to put aside your big gay fantasies of young men without their shirts on when it's a fucking children's movie. At least he didn't have them in tidy whiteys like he does in all his other films..and I do mean ALL his other films.

Recent VHS Purchasealooza!

While I work on the final two articles for the Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die (#10-#6 and #5-#1) I thought it'd be cool to show you some of the recent VHS purchases me and my better half have made in the last few weeks.

I love VHS tapes. Sure I have a pretty good collection of DVD's and such and enjoy em, there's something about watching a VHS tape that gives me the warm and fuzzies (I checked with a doctor...it's not contagious). Besides the stuff like the old logos, the goofy coming attractions for horrible films, and of course the FBI warning, there's quite a few things that's out that haven't seen the light of day as a DVD (or the DVD came and went and now goes for hundreds of dollars).

These are just a few pictures of the more than 80 VHS tapes we've bought in the last month (at a quarter a pop). Most of these are rentals, and quite a few those screeners they sent to video stores, only to have the cheapass video store use them as rentals. 

I'll also be posting a few to my facebook page (Which is right here) and to the WWWofCF's Twitter page (In this direction) so Like and add us for more goodies!

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #15 - Pepe from Ghosthouse

Last year, I picked fifteen of my favorite horror movie moments, and since people like lists, I thought I'd try this again. I didn't want to do something like Top Ten Horror Villains That Show Up on Every List., because that's lazy. I mean I'm a lazy bastard, but not THAT lazy. I wanna EARN that Top fifteen list. So I decided to make a list of those special characters in horror movies that you want to see die. Beheaded, disemboweled, or just shot in the face, their misery puts a little tingle in my pants. 

Now that I've disgusted you all, here's the criteria I set for myself.

1. It has to be a horror movie

2. It has to be a character that I hate

 3. I have to post a video of this character dying

Sounds simple to me! Let's get on with the countdown!

#15  Pepe from Ghosthouse - Moviedom's Most Unlikable Hitchhiker

If you're familiar with this movie, you know there's plenty of loathesome characters in it. From our ham radio lovin hero, to the girly screams of Jim Daylen, everyone here deserves death. But one man tops them all. I'm talking about Pepe, the useless hitchhiker.

My main beef about Pepe isn't how annoying he is (and trust me, that asshole has made it an artform) it's that there is no reason for this guy to be in the movie. At least HAM MAN and Jimmy "Girl Scream" Daylen have a reason for being there. This guy is like the jerkoff that's behind you in the theater talking nonstop deciding he'd rather ruin the movie by being IN it rather than just kicking your seat for two hours.

Pepe pretty much hitches a ride from the main characters, annoys them with his fake skeleton hand until they drop him off in someone's random yard, and disappears for a while. Later on he shows up at the ghost house by pretending to attack one of the other characters. Pepe's lucky he didn't have that skeleton hand of his shoved up his ass. The guy's such a freeloader he'd probably consider it a free prostate exam.

So he decides to stay at the ghost house. We don't see him again until one of the other characters find him standing up against a door dead. Because he has such a dopey look on his face the entire movie, it took me a sec to realize he was dead. I did a little dance. It was pretty sweet.

I don't know how he died, but I'm hoping he was annoyed to death. That would be fitting.

Hell Baby (2013)

Hell Baby (2013)

Directors: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Stars: Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb, Keegan Michael Key

Finally! A horror spoof that's actually above the Scary Movie bullshit that brain dead masses seem to lap up like milk that's been out of date for a month and sitting in 100 degree weather in Ecuador. It reminded me more along the lines of a Broken Lizard film filled with people I mostly see on those I Love the 80's VH1 specials they had a few years back. 

An expecting couple move into a run down house in New Orleans that just happens to be haunted as well...by F'resnel (Key), who lives in the crawlspace of the house. Oh, there's also a demon that posses the expecting wife (Bibb). She starts acting a little strange, like speaking in tongues, drinking paint thinner by the quart, and oh yeah ripping out someone's entrails.

Luckily for them, there's a pair of cigarette smoking, sunglasses wearing badass priests who are assigned to their house (played by the directors).

I don't have anything bad to say about this movie. The writing is good, a couple of great gross out moments, and actors that are actually...you know...funny. Fully recommended.

Six Things I've Learned From Hell Baby

1. This movie truly understands my hatred of stacking boxes up too damn high. If you have to look around it, it's too damn high, dummy!

2. I really want a po'boy sandwich. Like right now! Get one for me! ...please?

3. I never want to live in a neighborhood where the old naked wrinkly lady from the Shining can break into my house and...I'll let you see for yourself. Naked old lady....HAIRY naked old lady.

4. Michael Ian Black dies in this so that already makes this an A++ film for me.

5. It's never a good idea to smoke a lot of pot and then drive. You never know when several trashcans will jump out at you going 2mph. Those suicidal trash bastards!

6. This has one of the greatest shower scenes of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Baby Ghost (1995)

Baby Ghost (1995)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Joe Estevez, Erin O'Bryan, Conrad Brooks

In this shot on video rarity, Joe Estevez is a studio photographer in what appears to be an office building. He wears an annoying bow tie, there's some lame psychic love interest also in the building, annoying kids, a dumbass security guard, and the eternally annoying Conrad Brooks. Oh and there's some ugly ass "ghost baby" that's running amok. None of it makes sense.

The guy who made this also "directed" Hell Comes To Frogtown. I liked that movie. This barely counts as a movie. In fact, it may have replaced Death Nurse as the worst movie I've ever seen. Sadly, I'm sure that'll be topped soon.

Six Things I've Learned About Baby Ghost

1. If you're a big fan of watching people walking around an empty office building, then this movie is straight up porn for you. Sit back, grab some tissues and enjoy the mundane wallpaper!

2. There must be some agency that only specializes in inept security guards. "What? No, I don't want the former trained policeman, I want the rat faced guy who can't even catch an 8 year old! He'll keep my building safe!"

3. There's a scene when Conrad Brooks literally tells the plot of Plan 9 From Outer Space (although he calls it Flying Saucers Over Hollywood). If poor Bela could see Conrad's acting, he'd yell "PULL ZE PLUG! PULL ZE PLUG!" Man, Conrad Brooks sucks.

4. They lure the baby ghost with one of those cheap Tiger electronics handheld games. I should have known that shitty special effects would be drawn to shitty handheld games.

5. There are two impossibly stupid crooks who break into the building for no reason. I don't have a joke there. They don't interact with the other characters, they see the ghost and get scared, and we never hear about them again. I hope they rot in that office building in bad movie purgatory.

6. I can't believe I'm saying this...but I felt bad for Joe Estevez. This movie was beneath him. Let me state that again in bold....BABY GHOST IS SUCH A SHITHEAP OF A FILM THAT IT WAS BENEATH JOE ESTEVEZ'S ACTING TALENTS.

"WHAT!? I get second billing behind Estevez!?"

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #22!

Dan Lashley returns after his failed attempt as a golddigger, a gigolo, and as a member of Mike Love's "Beach Boys" band to bring you more more great and weird music, trailers, and maybe a laugh or two (but only two...you don't want to ruin your appetite). 

This week has a special guest, as 9 year old David Lee wins a contest to cohost with Dan! But tempers flare when David is expecting someone else. This show also boasts the world premiere single from our very own Dracula!

Listen Here!

The Party Animal (1985)

The Party Animal (1985)

Director: David Beaird

Stars: Matthew Causey, Timothy Carhart, Strange Woman who has a crow following her

Pondo Sinatra is a college student who just came off the turnip truck...I'm not joking. He actually shows up in the back of a turnip truck. He befriends a guy named Studley (man those were some confident parents!) who tries to help him with the ladies. Apparently there are no classes here, just people humping each other like rabbits. But none for Pondo, who can't even get laid in a whorehouse....no really. The whores clock out when he shows up. Pondo tries lots of wacky ways to get him some that includes a punk makeover, his buddy playing Cyrano, and a scene that'll make Cheech and Chong team up with Scarface to form an intervention. Eventually he figures out a formula that gives him a lot more than he bargained for.

That's it...Pondo trying to get laid. Well at least it stays true to the story. And there are boobies, so that's nice.

Six Things I've Learned From The Party Animal

1. Pondo Sinatra sounds like a rival lounge singer in Star Wars. It may be the best lead character name not associated with an 80's action star.

2. As bad (and oddly enjoyable) as this film was, if you were a fan of 80's alternative rock, this has one of the best damn soundtracks ever. The Buzzcocks,The Fleshtones, Dream 6 (whose members would go on to form Concrete Blond), even REM...although I don't remember ever hearing them in the movie.

3. Women in dorms will gladly play a stripping card game if you dress up like an ugly girl and randomly show up in their room. I tried this one out once...of course I ended up in a male dorm. I stayed there for two years.

4. I don't know about any of you, but when I want to have someone mentor me in the ways of sex, I immediately think of the school janitor. The only thing I learned from my school janitor was how to find the best closets to cry in.

5. Fake rubber dongs are always funny...even when they are used to discuss nuclear war.

6. There's a beautiful blond woman who keeps appearing in the film followed by a crow's call. I assume she's some sort of devil figure, but I guess the movie gets bored of her because at no point in the film are we allowed to figure out why she's there. Maybe she likes unappealing guys. Who's at my window?

Moving Violations (1985)

Moving Violations (1985)

Director: Neal Israel

Stars: John Murray, Jennifer Tilly, the "Where's The Beef" lady

The ensemble comedy...a group of wacky misfits put together to achieve a goal. No place was safe...summer school? Not safe. summer camp? Are you kidding?! Even the hallowed police academy wasn't safe from the ragtag shenanigans.  So what do you do when you start running out of good places to put these people in? You start digging the bottom of the barrel. That's right, I'm talking about traffic school.

So the story is that a bunch of terrible drivers have their licenses revoked and must go to traffic school to get them. BUT, this traffic school is run by the dead eyed brother of Stacy Keach, who has it in for our hero...the brother of Bill Murray. Judge Hot Lips from MASH wants Stacy Keach's brother to flunk everyone so they can sell their cars off and pocket the cash. I'm sure that '79 buick is gonna fetch a pretty penny. Literally.

Six Things I've Learned from Moving Violations

1. Oh look, there's a guy who likes horror movies. Let's dress him up like a teenage headbanger and make him socially disturbing. I wish there was a character that liked romantic movies . Someone who dressed up like Rudolph Valentino singing at people's windows and crying at Celine Dion songs.

2. James Keach, John Murray, Fred Willard, Jennifer Tilly, Clara Peller, that nerd who couldn't get it on with Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...all this movie needed was Jm J Bullock and we'd have ourselves a Hollywood Squares game!

3. There's a wacky mix up as a car doctor is mistaken for a regular doctor, which ends up with a woman drinking a bottle of cooking oil, greasing up her ass, and sitting naked atop a car lift. There must be a time traveler writing this script because that's my morning routine to a t.

4. Old ladies sitting in a urinal is always funny. ALWAYS.

5. Only in this film can you see a shirt feel up another shirt. Still not as awkward as the time I saw one of my socks dry humping the neighbor's dog. My clothing now has a restraining order against it. Stupid horny sock.

6. John Murray was so over the top in doing his best Bill Murray impression I almost thought he was going to start yelling about cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria indeed.

Get Crazy (1983)

Get Crazy (1983)

Director: Allan Arkush

Stars: Malcolm McDowell, Daniel Stern, Stacey Nelkin

From the goofy head of Allan Arkush, director of Rock N Roll High School, comes this "off the wall" comedy about a concert on New Years Eve. Someone thought it'd be a good idea to make Daniel Stern a leading man. That person was proven wrong. 

there's the barest of plots about a crazy concert promoter who looks like a coked out Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys trying to blow up the building the concert is in. It's one of those multi storyline ensemble piece like Dazed and Confused and Thank God It's Friday that just doesn't seem to work. Like Hoochie Cootchie Man? You better because they play that damn song three times in three different ways...each version worse than the last.

But boy does Malcolm McDowell make one hell of a Mick Jagger.

Six Things I've Learned From Get Crazy

1. Happy to see my buddy Jimmy the giant Joint in this film. It's neat and sorta tragic to see a giant pot cigarette snuffed out in the prime of life. Guess it's better to burn out than to fade away.

2. If you encounter a bathroom shark, by all means let it use the mirror. He'll eat that guy who sits in the bathroom expecting you to pay money to wash your own damn hands and you won't be held hostage by an old man and a paper towel.

3. If I had "watch a sterotypical jewish blues band" on my bucket list, I could now cross it off. Of course if I had it on a bucket list I should probably shorten the list to hurry death up.

4. So they let Lee Ving "sing" and they stick Lou Reed in a cab writing awful songs in a nowhere plotline. Should have told me everything.

5. If some alien drug dealer pops out of nowhere with an electrified suitcase, do NOT take the drugs. I know the cocaine octopus is cute, but he ain't under the sea, he's up yer nose.

6. I witnessed the first heart to heart talk between a man and his penis. Well put on film anyways. Me yelling at my penis to stop being pee shy in the bathroom of Longhorn's probably doesn't count.

New Wide Weird World of Cult Radio This Sunday!

We're changing things up a little on WWWofCF, and the radio show is being remodeled. You'll still get your overdose of cult movie ads and music, but since I'm busy working to expand this site (amongst other projects revealed soon) I've tapped Dracula to host the new show! Drac's adding some weird, cool, groovy music to the rotation so requests AND dedications are welcomed.

Yes, Marty will still be around. Sorry.

Men Behind The Sun (1988)/The Ice Pirates (1984)

Men Behind the Sun (1988)

Director: T.F. Mous

Stars: Gang Wang, Hsu Gou, Tie Long Jin

A group of young Japanese men in the Youth Corps are sent to a facility  which houses Unit 731. Here they see awful experiments dealing with coming up with a new strain of the bubonic plague. The group befriend a young Chinese boy and when asked, they naively send him to Unit 731 for testing. I...

I can't. I can't review this. This film turns my stomach in ways I never thought possible. It may be a cop out, but I just never got into this kind of exploitation. At least with crap like Illsa (which I also despise), there's an element of cheesiness to it. This is just...bleak and depressing. I'm sure that's the point of the film, but I just can't put myself up to it. But I promised a review for you. Hmm....

I got it.

The Ice Pirates (1984)

Director: Stewart Raffill

Stars: Robert Ulrich, Angelica Huston, Mary Crosby

Water is scare in the future and considered the greatest thing to own...so of course the only people who seem to own it are evil bastards. Enter Jason (Ulrich) and his merry band of pirates, stealing ice from those evil tyrants. When a princess save Jason and his partner Roscoe, she tells them of a plan to find the 7th World, where the water flows free and people can drown in happiness. There's also robots and for some weird reason a totally featherless parrot. Ew.

Six Things I've Learned From Ice Pirates

1.  I had great joy in seeing a robot cab driver/pimp who spoke in sterotypical 70's blaxploitation talk.

2. They have "programs" on little clear discs that plays some romantic waves crashing on a screen similar to one of those ride simulators they used to have at the mall. I tried this once with my wife and ended up with two hours of old people shuffleboarding. Most romantic two hours of my life.

3. Space herpes look an awful lot like one of the Alien babies with the face of Gammorean Guard. Also had nothing to do with the plot. Space herpes.

4. Nobody should ever put Bruce Villanch in a movie, especially if it's just his head.

5.  ONly got 15 minutes left in the film and too much time to get to the 7th World? Just fast forward parts of the movie and age the hell out of everyone. You'll be so confused you won't realize not a damn thing is happening.

6. SPOILER: The 7th World is Earth. Mind blowing, isn't it?

And just because I feel compelled to...

One Thing I've Learned From Men Behind the Sun

1. There are movies that even I won't watch. Yet I still watched Death Nurse. What is wrong with me?!