Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Savage Vows (1994)

Savage Vows (1994)
Director: Robert Dennis
Stars: Kelly Ashton, Armond Sposto,, Mark Polonia

We start off Awful Movie Month with the twin terrors of no budget cinema, the Polonia Brothers. Best known for Splatter Farm and Feeders, my dumb ass decided to start things off with one of their lesser known "films".

From what I could tell due to the subpar audio, some guy is upset because his wife is dead, so all his moronic buddies show up to bum off him. They make him grill food, force him to watch horror movies, and then hit him up for money! At that point, I wanted him to be the killer just so he'd have a few less hot dogs to put on the grill for these moochers.

Someone's POVing around killing these yokels, and because it's happy you're even watching it, the movie brings in a couple more people to get mutilated...although looking at these people, it might be an improvement.

 This film rivals Death Nurse in the amount of the cast that is ugly. Death Nurse is at 100%...Savage Vows is only at 98%.

Six Things I've Learned From Savage Vows 

1. Love the wildly inappropriate music that randomly plays throughout this film. It seems like all genres were represented here. I was particularly fond of the one that sounded like it should be playing on the loudspeakers at the mall. Very scary stuff.

2. Everyone drives back from the funeral. Later on one of the characters gets so upset she runs out of the house and ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CEMETERY! Either she's a fucking olympic sprinter or those were some lazy assholes.

3. The audio in this is beyond atrocious. You either can't hear a damn thing they are saying or you hear it in some weird echo chamber. Not that what they had to say was important...or acted very well, but it would have been nice to know WHAT was said.

4. Mark Polonia has what is commonly known as a bad high school mustache. But that man is so fucking proud of it, he puts it on full display in this film. Mark Polonia's Wild Mustache Ride is one ride with no waiting time...or people in line.

5. I must admit that I had a bit of glee in me watching some crazy gibberish spouting homeless man get stabbed literally a hundred times with one of those fake retractable knives you see in halloween shops. Not so much when his manlike female companion got a painfully obvious plastic meat cleaver in the back.

6. This movie is already short enough at 71 minutes, but they had to actually pad this pile of Mickey Rooney's meat morsels by having the killer do what I can only guess is a real estate tour of the house. "And over here is where I plan to stab you with an arrow I got out of one of those toy bow and arrows sets at the Woolworths. And this here is a perfect spot to decapitate your loved ones!"

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