White Cop (2014)

White Cop (2014)

Director: Jake Myers

Stars: Ben Kobold, David Liebe Hart, Liz Harvey

From time to time, I have people wanting me to review their movie. I've always been a bit hesitant because while I do love getting screeners (yay free!) there's this little part of me that needs to hold back if I hate it. Yes, the guy who took a dump on Nick Millard over and over again is someone who doesn't want to be a total dick to people only wanting reviews of their film.

So why did I decide to review this particular film? I saw the trailer and it actually appealed to me. Also I'm a fan of public access stuff and David Liebe Hart is a veteran of public access  due to his Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show.

This spoof of action films stars Ben Kobold as Kip White, a cop trying to take down the European Drug Cartel after they kill his partner and best friend. When he loses his badge he joins up with a new vigilante group to fight the cartel and end the rampant drug use of Stamp, which you can't mail but will send you to a far away place. Y'know, cause yer all fucked up.

Things I Took/Learned From White Cop

- The main character kind of alternated between hilariously inept and overwhelmingly annoying. Maybe it's because of the script (which wasn't bad at all, just a bit uneven), but Kobold does a good job overall.

- The flashback to Kip and his partner frolicking together is quite homoerotic and pretty damn funny. Who hasn't put two straws in their drink to share with his best friend...anyone? Please?

- I like that among all the insanity, there was a character (Dr. Wilder) who saw that Kip is a complete basket case. Of course it doesn't change one thing, but it's nice to see.

- I don't know about you, but I get leery whenever a tv reporter comes up to me in a bar and starts giving me pep talks. I've been on the news one too many times without my pants on.

- If you love 80's style synch music (sometimes called New Retrowave) then this film has you hooked up via the band Lazerhawk. I love that kind of music, so it's a big plus. I play it when I drive to the store. I like to pretend I'm Tubbs.

Overall, I really liked this movie. There were some plot points that got left unanswered, but for once I don't wish to spoil the movie. The look of the movie was very professional and there were traces of those by gone 80's action cop movies scattered among the comedy. The comedy hits far more than misses due to a good cast. I'm just happy to find a recent movie I didn't hate with a passion. That's the biggest thumbs up you can get from my cynical ass.

Plus David Liebe Hart is the mayor. I'd vote for him.

Here's the trailer for those of you who don't just take my word. Shame on you. I'm not hurt...I mean I am a little.

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Director: Antonio Margheriti

Stars: David Warbeck, Almanta Suska, John Steiner

In this Italian Indiana Jones ripoff, our hero Bob Jackson (yes, that's his name) and Captain Dave his British bastard of a friend are chasing down a double traitor American spy in 1944. The guy's plane crashes and Jackson parachutes down to see if he's alive. He is, but not for long as savages turn him into a goant pincushion. Jackson gets one for good measure, but is oddly saved by a pretty white girl that the savages seem to obey.

A year later, Captain Dave tracks down Bob in the Philippines (well, that's what it looked like anyway) and offers him a shitload of money (for 1945) to track down what the spy was searching for...the mysterious Ark of the Covenant Golden Cobra.

Along the way, the guys are joined up by this creepy Jack Elan type "archeilogist" and his niece, who is the exact double for the girl who saved Bob a year earlier! Turns out  it's her twin sister, who went with her parents on a missionary trip never to return. The sexual spark between the niece and Bob would be equal to running your feet across carpet and touching your buddy (another person, not your penis).

Captain Dave is killed in an explosion, and the other three explorers set out for the treasure. Do they find it? Will they keep it? Will that mysterious man who keeps appearing in the flames come over here and start my grill? I want me some hot dogs damn it.

Six Things I've Learned From Hunters of the Golden Cobra

1. Savages will worship the hell out of a pretty white girl who dresses like a valley girl.

2. Captain Dave is the biggest damn asshole in this movie. sure he saves the day, but he pretty much forces Bob into all these situations that put him in danger and makes him do ridiculous faces. If I was Bob, I'd punch him in the face in a cock fight arena as well. Maybe a cock punch for good measure.

3. Captain Dave finds Bob at a cock fight "arena", where these two dicks start a fight. I think that people who frequent these places are actually looking for a reason to fight, but don't want to be the ones who start it because they don't want to appear like assholes. But if some random guy falls on your table and spills your beer, it's fair game. There's always etiquette. For a good example, see Roadhouse.

4. !945 Philippines was really ahead of it's time. Not only do they have modern automatic guns, but in one scene I see a guy wearing bell bottoms! Truly before their time.

5. This is one of the better Indiana Jones ripoffs as it uses some of the sequences in random order to try to throw people off. I spotted the being chased to the plane in the water by svages scenes, the kidnapping in a busy marketplace scene, the fight at the airplane strip scene, and the scene where Indy and Marion are surrounded by snakes....only here it's like 5 snakes and some assholes with tiki torches.

6. Why did they name the hero Bob Jackson!? If you're going to make an adventure film where the guy is rising his life constantly and having savages and old men covered in flames following you, you don't name your hero something that you could find in the phone book under Accountants! Spice it up a bit. Call him U.S. Jackson or Reno Monroe or Nevada Neidermeyer. Anything is better than BOB.

Mankillers (1987)

Mankillers (1987)

Director: David A. Prior

Stars: Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, Edy Williams, Lynda Aldon

An ex CIA agent is in the drug running/ cheerleader type girl smuggling business with his partner, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes. The CIA sends the renegade agent's ex lover Rachael (and also an agent) out to get him. She has a personal vendetta because her ex beau decided to put a slug in her buxom chest a few years back.

Rachael assembles a team entirely of women to take out the renegade's band of morons, jerks, and feebs. Lots of squibs a flying in this one. Fun note, they filmed this back to back with the "wonderful" Ted Prior vehicle Deadly Prey. Oh joy.

Six Things I've Learned from Mankillers

1. I have decided to make a holiday where we hang up papier-mâché versions of Edd Kookie Byrnes, blindfolding someone holding a knife (a butter knife and staying 100 feet away would suffice), have them stab Kookie in his papier-mâché dick until candy comes out. I'd call it "Let's Stab Kookie in the Dick" Day. I'm...still working on the name.

2. The team of female prisoners included the gum chewing bad girl, the...uhh...black girl, the asian girl, and....ummm...the others. They literally gave all the personality to one girl. Out of ten. Way to hog the spotlight lady!

3. I enjoyed the fact that EVERY SINGLE GUY KILLED used the same "uhhh!" sound. It's like the Wilhelm scream, only every five seconds for forty five minutes.

4. Female prisons are only filled with buxom scantily clad beauties, just like every men's prison are filled with guys who want to put it in your butt for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Those are small cigarettes. Your anal virginity isn't even worth a filter.

5. The lead villain in this looks like a deranged John Holmes...only without the charm...or the third leg.

6. So here's my big complaint on this movie. Your lead actress is an attractive big breasted woman. She assembles a team of large breasted women. Not only that, but she recruited them from fucking prison! She then dressed them up in the most skimpy camouflage gear known to man or bikini model. So why, if you have all of these elements together, DO YOU NOT SHOW ANY FUCKING NUDITY FROM THESE WOMEN WHATSOEVER!? There's nothing, nada from these women. No full frontal, no titties, not even a goddamn buttcrack is shown! What happened? Was someone (as my wife put it) supposed to be the designated "titty lady" but they kept trying to put it on the other girls? Lord knows they weren't hired for their acting ability or fucking personalities. EDY WILLIAMS, A PERSON WHO WILL TAKE IT OFF EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT HER TO, DIDN'T GET NUDE! What the fuck movie...just What. The. Fuck.

The Killer's Edge (1991)

The Killer's Edge (1991)

Director: Joseph Merhi

Stars: Wings Hauser, Robert Z'Dar, Karen Black

I have something to confess...I love Robert Z'Dar. Ever since I first saw him in Soultaker (the MST3K version) I have been fascinated by this man. From everything I've read, he's an extremely nice man, which makes him even cooler to me. Sure he's not in the shape he used to be, but in all honesty, he's not a bad actor at all and should be doing character roles now. I'd cast him.

Wings Hauser on the other hand. I'm just not getting it. When was it decided to go with this guy as a leading man, even in direct to video productions? Not all that handsome, he comes off as a poor man's Gary Busey. Admittedly, this is the first Wings Hauser movie I've seen, but my recent VHS haul assures me that it won't be the last.

Jack Saxon (Hauser) is one of those Dirty Harry type cops dumbed down to action movie fans...which means that he kills everyone in sight. You'd think he'd get some prison time for that, but I guess it employs ambulance drivers and morgue attendants so he only gets yelled at and occasionally suspended. 

Saxon finds out that his old Vietnam buddy Miller (Z'Dar) is not a nice person, and have been counterfeiting millions of dollars. Oh and also challenging Saxon for the title of "killing the most people in a small area" title. Will Saxon take down his old pal who saved his life in 'Nam? Will Miller share the fake money with Saxon and they go off to Cabo together? And will Saxon's partner ever have the balls to fire a gun at someone? My money's on Cabo.

Six Things I've Learned From The Killer's Edge

1. One of the henchmen is named Tony, and I swear to God this man looks like Tony Curtis only with weird painted in eyebrows. Robert Blake in Lost Highway would have been creeped out by this guy.

2. Never let a fat naked guy in a massage parlor tell you to put down your gun. he will try to shoot you. You do not want to be known as the guy who got shot by the fat naked guy in the massage parlor. Fat naked guys will be coming out of the woodworks to get a piece of you.

3. In one scene, Saxon shows up at his fiance's place of work drunk as hell. What does she do? She teaches kids how to ice skate! I'm not sending my kid to be taught by some bimbo who let's Wings Hauser's drunken face slobber all over her! I did enjoy the comical bassoon music when El Drunko tried to get on the ice.

4. Here's a recipe for awesomeness...take one Robert Z'dar, add one (or two if you'd like) rocket launchers, throw in a pinch of maniacal laughter, mix it up and you got one hell of a villain. Fake Tony Curtis sold separately.

5. Karen Black plays someone from the FBI. I'm not sure what her rank is because she's never allowed to leave the one room she's in the whole movie. I wonder if that was the director's idea. Either he only had her for a day or two or he didn't want to run the insurance risk of letting Karen Black roam the city free. Millions of lives could have been lost.

6. I have to admit, as awful as this was, I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's fun to see Hauser "Busey" his way through a movie as a handsome action lead.  He may not be an Expendable, but for me, he sure is a Dependable.

For added fun, go read Wings' IMDb page. I'm sure whoever wrote his bio has NO connection to him whatsoever.

Vampire Cop (1990)

Vampire Cop (1990)

Director: Donald Farmer

Stars: Ed Cannon, Melissa Moore, Mal Arnold

There's too many bad movies with cop in the title. Sure you got Maniac Cop, but then on the other end you got Samurai Cop and Psycho Cop. Now I made myself watch Vampire Cop. If all these cops were in one precinct, I'd move to the other side of the country because you just know you're gonna get pulled over for speeding and end up missing a couple limbs.

So what I could gather from the threadbare plot, there's this drug dealin, prostitute shootin asshole named Hans Geiger (no, not the Geiger counter creator...he was in Psycho Cop 2) who is terrorizing the city somehow...not exactly sure how since the only people he kills at first are hookers and the world's worst undercover cop. But when Vampire Cop's hobo dressing partner is killed, it's personal...I think. He never seems too broken up over it.

Melissa Moore is the nosy TV reporter who wants to know what really happened when several scumbags are killed with bite marks on their necks. She does this by showing her tits...a lot. Oh and sleeping with a vampire.

I'm pretty sure the combined IQ of everyone in this film is potato. 

Six Things I've Learned From Vampire Cop

1. The opening theme song is awesome, but did it really need to go on for almost 10 minutes? There were so many people getting credit at the beginning of this film I thought I had stumbled into a Rent-A-Center promotional tape.

2. Young women normally stalk someone's house in slow motion while making perverted male wheezing sounds. If you find one, by all means invite it to mooch off of you at your home for a few days.

3. Lucas, the undead title character, is perhaps the most unsympathetic hero I've seen in several years. He murders a hooker for no reason, and whines about using his powers for good. I don't know about you, you Reb Brown knockoff, but biting the bad guys and turning them into the undead isn't exactly "helping".

4. If you have to have a henchman, always make sure you get one that has a distinguishing characteristic. The main henchman in this film enjoyed snacking constantly. Yours could perhaps knit menacingly or  tape over someone's wedding video.

5. There is a guy constantly in a bathtub in this film. I have no idea why he was in the bathtub, what his relationship is to the bad guys, or even why he was in the fucking movie to begin with!

6. If you are someone who has recently been bitten by a vampire and have in fact turned into one, your first choice of action is probably NOT running out of the house into the morning sun.Either this person is the stupidest vampire created, and thus needed to be immediately destroyed, or he became a reverse vampire. It's a certain breed of vampire that only does the opposite of what you ask it to do. If you tell it not to hurt you, then you might as well hand over your collection of Flock of Seagulls bobbleheads to that cousin who hates you right now. If you tell a reverse vampire to not go outside, watch that sumbitch run on out there and get the worse sunburn ever.

Recent VHS Purchasealooza!

While I work on the final two articles for the Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die (#10-#6 and #5-#1) I thought it'd be cool to show you some of the recent VHS purchases me and my better half have made in the last few weeks.

I love VHS tapes. Sure I have a pretty good collection of DVD's and such and enjoy em, there's something about watching a VHS tape that gives me the warm and fuzzies (I checked with a doctor...it's not contagious). Besides the stuff like the old logos, the goofy coming attractions for horrible films, and of course the FBI warning, there's quite a few things that's out that haven't seen the light of day as a DVD (or the DVD came and went and now goes for hundreds of dollars).

These are just a few pictures of the more than 80 VHS tapes we've bought in the last month (at a quarter a pop). Most of these are rentals, and quite a few those screeners they sent to video stores, only to have the cheapass video store use them as rentals. 

I'll also be posting a few to my facebook page (Which is right here) and to the WWWofCF's Twitter page (In this direction) so Like and add us for more goodies!

The Ultimate Weapon (1998)

The Ultimate Weapon (1998)
Director: Jon Cassar
Stars: Hulk Hogan, Cynthia Preston, Carl Marotte, Lynne Adams, Daniel Pilon

When a mercenary named Cutter accepts an assignment in Ireland, he realizes too late that his new commandos are double agents for the IRA. Enraged by the deception, Cutter exacts revenge on the soldiers who hired him to do their dirty work.

Six Things I Learned from The Ultimate Weapon

1) Hogan fights wars to run away from his problems.

2) “To be opened at death” letters are popular at military training camps.

3) Hogan sucks at proposals! He doesn’t even get down on one knee. He won’t even go down for his fiancée!

4) Hogan’s kryptonite is spunky goth chicks with guns.

5) You can recognize a stripper by her baby pictures.

6) Hogan’s “Simon Says” games always end in fisticuffs.

Clash of the Titans (1981)

Clash of the Titans (1981)

Director: Desmond Davis

Stars: Harry Hamlin, Judi Bowker, Sir Lawrence Olivier

If you've read up on your Greek Mythology (and you should, it's fantastically insane stuff) you know that Zeus can't keep it in his toga...and I can't blame him. Look, he's the head god, the big cheese, the one who makes people crap their togas when they cross him the wrong way, so there's a certain sense of entitlement there. So Zeus will slum it down to Earth in some ridiculous form...say an eagle, a tiger, or some glittery gold and tap himself all sorts of human asses. You don't need a Maury paternity test to know who the father of all those kids are. 

So Zeus gets himself a human bootycall and she gives birth to Perseus.Zeus gets mad that the bootycall's father would board the woman and child up in a craftmatic nonadjustable coffinboat that he makes Poseidon let out his favorite pet, the Kraken. Perseus is the very definition of a privileged child, his dad making sure everything good happens to him. After Zeus makes her kid into the hideous lord of the swamps, Thetis starts fucking around with Perseus' girl Andromeda and you know what that means....epic quest.

Six Things I've Learned from Clash of the Titans

1. More of a question than something I've learned...did anybody ever take Harry Hamlin seriously? I know he's a good looking guy, and the world needs himbos too, but you can just look at him and see his thought process. SPOILER: there isn't one.

2. "No it's OK Ursula Andress, you don't need to do anything but stand there. No, no talking needed hon. Just look pretty."

3. The Medusa scene to this day still scares the hell out of me. You can't CGI that kind of pants wetting.

4. I was hoping Burgess Meredith would have called Perseus a bum or told him women weaken legs. But he didn't. I hope his glasses got broken.

5. If this movie is any indication, the Greeks worshiped a bunch of ego havin, cat fight givin, booty takin assholes. They would have fit in nicely in classy publications like US Weekly and the National Enquirer. 

6. If I had the head of Medusa, I wouldn't have thrown it into the sea. Hell no. I'd invite every one of my enemies over to show them my new "find". I would then have the greatest set of lawn gnomes known to man. It'll say "he's particular about what he decorates his lawn with" and "don't fuck with this guy or you're gonna be a birdbath."

Streets of Fire (1984)

Streets of Fire (1984)

Director: Walter Hill

Stars: Michael Pare, Dianne Lane, Rick Moranis

In a post apocalypse Earth, where everything's some bizarre mashup of American Bandstand 50's and let's make everything neon 80's, this depression era dressed mercenary rescues a pop star who is kidnapped by a biker gang. Along the way pick up a manly looking woman, a cranky acting Rick Moranis, a do-wop group, and some groupie. There's your A-Team right there.

There's a lot of good music in this, although the cheese factor of this movie may block you up for weeks.

Six Things I've Learned From Streets of Fire

1. No matter how badass your fighting skills may be, nobody is going to be intimidated by a bad high school mustache.

2.When ever the lead villain is a biker, always make sure your hair is as ridiculous looking as possible. It shows that you're so badass, you don't care that you look like a hawk that had sex with a human female.

3. I love that the "hero" puts together a team made entirely of annoying people who hate each other. That's some skills right there.

4. No matter how much I wish it, the Baseball Furies from Walter Hill's The Warriors are NOT going to show up and beat everyone with baseball bats.

5. This movie taught me that if you get into a one on one fight in the middle of the road with a crazy biker gang leader who brought all his biker buds, the best thing to do is call on Bill Paxton and his army of gun toting bird people to back you up.

6. The ending scene/song is awesome, with pretty much the whole cast on stage (minus our "hero"). I just wished that the two main bad guys (played by Willem Dafoe and Lee Ving) would have had a change of heart and jumped onstage, smiling and singing with the do-wop group and Dianne Lane. Would have made it 5 stars in stead of just 4 1/2 stars.

Superman 2 (1980)

Superman 2 (1980)

Director(s): Richard Lester (official) Richard Donner (originally)

Stars: Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Terrance Stamp

I know I'm picking an obvious one here, but for the sake of those who haven't seen it, let me explain the plot.

Superman inadvertently frees three super criminals from Krpton from their flat prison called the Phantom Zone. They come to Earth (led by the wonderfully evil  General Zod) and decide to take over it. While this is going on, Lois finds out the Clark Kent is really Superman. They fall in love, Supes takes her to his crib, and they knock super boots.He then fucks it all up by turning mortal, where he's easy pickens for truck driver assholes. Zod and company look for Supes, Supes fights them, and of course the sequels aren't called General Zod 3: The Wrath of Mute Guy, so you know the Man of Steel beats them. He then wipes out Lois' memory and things are back to normal.

I'm doing this a little differently because I recently learned of another cut of Superman 2. The "new" version is actually the footage that Richard Donner directed before getting fired. Only 30% of Donner's footage made it to the actual theatrical release, so it was fascinating to see what a 95% Donner helmed Superman 2 looked like. 

So with that I present to you...

Six Things I Liked AND Disliked About Richard Donner's Version of Superman 2

1. No Paris sequence. I've always hated it anyways, and felt Donner's version sets a better tone and gives it a better flow with the first film.

2. More focus on General Zod and gang. Zod is one of my all time favorite bad guys. From his almost bored expression he wears throughout the film, to the many times he yells "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" he is what a true villain is suppose to be. No wisecracks, no pandering to his gang, just straight up badass.

3. I did NOT like the fact that they took almost all the humor out of it. I understand taking goofy shit like the sight gags during the Metropolis fight (wigs coming off, guy in phone booth won't stop talking despite hurricane like winds), but took all the comical elements out of Non, the mute previously childlike member of Zod's group. Sure he looks menacing, but now he has no personality. Might as well be called Generic Henchman #12. 

Oh, but let's add in a fucking toilet scene when Lex and Tessmacher goes to the Fortress of Solitude. Yes, toilets flushing and all. I'm surprised they didn't talk about how hard the toilet paper was. Guess we now know Superman shits. Thanks Donner.

4. Marlon Brando's giant scary head. All over the damn place. It's horrific, and am shocked when Lois didn't run screaming. I thought he was going to eat Clark at least three times. The horror...the horror.

5. They took out the Mount Rushmore scene. I'll underline that....THEY TOOK OUT THE FUCKING MOUNT RUSHMORE SCENE! They put in some stupid scene of the Washington monument going down. Whoop-dee shit. At least my favorite sequence in the film, the Metropolis fight, looks great.

6. The ending was a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I liked how Clark kisses an upset Lois and her memory is blanked out. Now she doesn't have to suffer knowing she can't be with Clark. On the other hand, between the first shoot and the reshoots, Margot Kidder must have discovered meth because she is looking rough. It's upsetting because of how pretty she looks throughout Donner's cut.

As soon as I saw Perry White's toothpaste slowly come out of the tube, I knew Superman was gonna do a rerun. What I mean is is that Superman flies around the Earth moving back time once again. Sure, Lois doesn't know who he is anymore, but now the very villains he killed are back alive (albeit in the Phantom Zone again). How does that shit make any sense!?

Overall, I liked both films. The Lester one will always be my favorite super hero film, but Donner's version clears up a lot of plot holes and makes the film seem more serious. I'm sure somebody's does a fan edit where they put the best of both together...and I'd probably watch that too.

Barb Wire (1996)

Barb Wire (1996)
Director: David Hogan
Stars: Pamela Anderson, Udo Kier, Steve Railsback,

21st century. USA. The second civil war. The whole country is in a state of emergency. What was formerly called the American Congress now rules with fascistic methods. There is only one free city left, Steel Harbor, headquarter for the resistance. This is the hometown of Barb Wire, owner of the night club Hammerhead. As times aren't good, Barb has a second job. She's a bounty hunter and you probably wouldn't want her after you. Barb's credo is to never take sides for anybody and that's the only way to survive these days. As her former lover Axel Hood appears asking for a favour, Barb suddenly finds herself to be key player on high political stage. Now she has to take sides...

Six Things I Learned from Barb Wire

1)Pamela Anderson has big boobs.
2) Don’t call Barb Wire babe.
3) Night clubs are even more popular in war-torn apocalypses.
4) A medical record for prostitutes is a brilliant idea!
5) If you can’t pay Barb Wire, she’ll sick her dog on your nuts.
6) Nothing beats eating fried chicken on a crane.

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Director: Gil Bettman

Stars: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons

A high school gymnast with terrific hair (Stamos) is the son of famous spy STARGROVE (Played by blink and you'll miss it Bond George Lazenby). When pops is killed by a crazy hermaphrodite for a disc that'll poison the city's (what city is never said) water supply, Stamos as Lance STARGROVE...What a name...teams up with the dumbest spy ever (Vanity) in order to exact revenge. Add in some Road Warriors minions and the prerequisite asian spy gadget making friend, and you have yourself one hell of a good time.

Six Things I've Learned From Never Too Young To Die

1. Where does one go to get minions? And why wouldn't you pick ones that weren't very bright? Did Velvet put out an ad in the local paper? Maybe that's how she/he got Robert Englund (wearing the dumbest college sweater ever) to help.

2. I was sad that nobody told Velvet to go fuck herself. Really an opportunity wasted.

3. I don't know why, but the scene where Stamos is getting the shit beat out of him (smashing his head in a sink, throwing him through shelves) was really satisfying. I don't even dislike Stamos...it was just fun to watch.

4. If you get shot anywhere near a railing, your body will leap over the railing to your death on impulse. It's science, man.

5. This movie features one of the worst seduction/sex scenes ever. At one point it looks like the movie is trying to fast forward itself during the sex scene.

6. I gotta be honest, if Gene Simmons hadn't played Velvet Von Ragner the way he did, this movie would have just sucked balls. Want proof? Watch this:

Pulgasari (1985)

Pulgasari (1985) 

Directors: Chong Gon Jo, Sang-ok Shin 

Stars: Chang Son Hui, Ham Gi Sop, Jong-uk Ri 

In feudal Korea, the evil King becomes aware that there is a peasant rebellion being planned in the country. He steals all the iron farming tools and cooking pots from the people so that he may make weapons to fend off the peasant army. After he returns the property to the people, an old blacksmith is imprisoned and starved to death. His last creation is a tiny figurine of a monster- Pulgasari, a Godzilla-like creature that eats iron. The blood of his daughter brings the creature to life, and fights with the poor, starving peasants to overthrow the corrupt monarchy. 

Six Things I Learned from Pulgasari 

 1. Kim Jong-Il likes kaiju films. 

2. Monsters take a back seat to political agendas. 

3. Pulgasari likes to steal and eat iron. It’s a part of his balanced breakfast! 

4. Spears don’t harm Pulgasari. Cancel the Edge and Goldberg attack. 

5. Pulgasari is a natural at wood cutting. I wonder how he fares in mowing the lawn.

 6. A woman’s blood bring Pulgasari to life. He’s the only male creature that likes women during their time of the month.

Tiger Joe VHS Artwork

This appears to be the run of the mill bad 80's action movie cover, right? Take a closer look...

ACTION MOVIE PHOTOBOMB!

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #6!

In this action packed adventure, Dan's intern Marty has been held for ransom! Who is doing it? Why are they doing it? And where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? I...I've always wondered. This show has a big action theme to it so expect your adrenaline to pump and your muscles to sag bulge!

Listen Here!

Track Listings

Show Opening (Ransom Note)

Scorpio's View (Dirty Harry) - Lalo Schifrin

Push it To The Limit (Scarface)- Paul Engemann

Deep Red Rum (www.initforthekills.com) ad

Demons Theme (Demons)- Goblin

Down Down to Goblin Town (The Hobbit)

The Running Man Trailer

Segment One (airplane trip)

Space Battleship Yamato Opening Theme

Badasses Boobs and Body Counts (http://badassesboobsandbodycounts.com/) Ad

The Delta Force (Delta Force)-Alan Silvestri

Walk Like A Man- Divine

Deadly Prey Trailer

Plan 9 From Outer Space Theme

Segment Two (Stuck with Marty)

Hearts on Fire (Rocky 4)- John Cafferty

Red Card Headbutt (http://redcardheadbutt.blogspot.com/) Ad

The Bandit (Smokey and the Bandit)- Jerry Reed

Shifting Gears (Bullit)

Red Dawn Trailer

Segment Three (Jack McCloud's Wild Kingdom)

When the Night Comes Falling (Roadhouse)- Jeff Healey Band

Game Show Garbage (www.gameshowgarbage.com) Ad

Earache My Eye (Up in Smoke)- Cheech and Chong

Blade Runner End Theme

Closing Segment (RESCUE!)

Roadhouse (1989)

Roadhouse (1989)

Director: Rowdy Herrington

Stars: Patrick Swayze, Ben Gazarra, Kelly Lynch

In what can only be described as the greatest movie set in a bar ever (and also tops Mike Nelson's cheesiest movie list), Dalton (Swayze) is the ultimate male. Meditates with his shirt off, makes love on rocky walls, shoves people heads into tables...he can do it all. But can Dalton beat the local wealthy psychopath (Gazarra) with eyes for Dalton's honey (Lynch)?  Also, gratuitous butt shot...of Swayze. 

Six Things I've Learned from Roadhouse

1. I know most of you expect me to say "pain don't hurt" but I tried this theory out in my local bar and got a beer bottle smashed upside my head. Pain does in fact hurt like a bitch.

2. While I think Sam Elliot is an awesome actor, I never thought to myself "Hey, this movie needs some Sam Elliot pubes".

3. It's easy to run a town when the town is made up of like five or six buildings. You practically have the pick of any number of sleazy scumbags to hire.

4. Extremely tall men have no dancing ability whatsoever. It's really embarrassing. Please stop it.

5. I wonder if Jeff Healey's character got to bang lots of hot chicks, or if his band mates only told him they were hot when they look like a shovelface.

6. You know, Patrick Swayze really does have a sweet ass.

Sno-Line VHS Artwork

The "What sort of man reads Playboy" Brigade.

Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Director: Ruggero Deodato

Stars: Christopher Connelly, Gioia Scola, Tony King

A team of scientists working to raise a sunken Russian nuclear submarine on an ocean platform off the coast of Miami, Florida, unearth an ancient Atlantean relic from the sea floor and bring in an expert to make some sense of it. But while attempting to raise the sub, radioactive leakage from its missles triggers the re-emergence of Atlantis, and the resulting tidal wave destroys the platform and leaves only a small group of survivors.

6 Things I Learned from Raiders of Atlantis

1. Architects think it’s a good idea t install windows that lead into other rooms.

2. If you want to hide your face, a newspaper is more efficient than a mask.

3. You can crack a safe with a metal rod.

4. The raiders of Atlantis are bored punk rockers.

5. Fashion in 1994 consisted of Crystal Skull masks. Spielberg and Lucas were late to the party.

6. Atlantis has a higher crime rate than Detroit.

Gymkata (1985)

Gymkata (1985)

Director: Robert Clouse

Stars: Kurt Thomas, Richard Norton, Tetchie Agbayani

The small country of Parmistan is the perfect setting for the American "Star Wars" program (like Endor!). The US trains and sends a gymnastics champion to go to the country and play... THE GAME! If he wins, he can ask for one request...if he loses...HE DIES! No truth to the rumor that there's a deleted scene where the shotput champion declines the offer.

Six Things I've Learned From Gymkata

1. When America needs a hero, they go to gym meets.

2. Parmistan has a small anti American bias which includes throwing drinks in faces and arrows in stomachs.

3. No matter how badass you are, crushing a man's neck with your legs wrapped around it can come off as some disturbed mating ritual.

4. The King of PArmistan has either the greatest or worst combover of all time. It's like a tidal wave on his head going from one side to another.

5. The enemy is constantly referred to as "The Other Side". They either mean Russia, or the Doors.

6. Parmistan's chief export is monstrously ugly people.

Samurai Cop (1989)

Samurai Cop (1989)

Director: Amir Shervan

Stars: Matt Hannon, Robert Z'Dar

Cops Joe and his facially talented partner Frank vow to take down the fearsomely mullet led Fujiyama and the rest of his inept clan.

Six Things I've Learned From Samurai Cop

1. Frank is the master of expressions.

2. Robert Z'dar as a big chinned jack in the box of death is awesome.

3. Everyone seems to share the same black speedo.

4.Drinking Game- Everytime Joe is wearing a wig, take a shot

5. The police chief is one of the greatest characters ever.

6. They sure do enjoy talking about Frank's "black gift" a lot. I mean his penis.