Friday, November 15, 2013

Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)
Director: Carl J. Sukenick
Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.


  1. Dan - this sounds unbelievably terrible. How did you do this to yourself?

  2. Not really sure, but it now involves me crying naked in the shower a lot.


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