Top 10 Underrated Horror Films: The Evil and Amityville 2

Today's picks turned out to be an inadvertent Andrew Prine double feature. If that's good or bad, I'll leave that up to you.

8 - The Evil (1978)

This is one of those movies that I would see the trailer for on multiple trailer compilations, and it looked gloriously cheesy. When I finally got to see this film, it certainly didn't disappoint in the cheese department, but it was also highly entertaining.

Richard Crenna, his wife Joanna Pettet, his buddy Andrew Prine, and a few others come to this old building to turn it into a new clinic. Unfortunately, the house is a bit of a bastard, and before you know it, it's lighting up humans like cigarettes, giving its own shock therapy, and at one point even attempting ghost rape. 

Crenna does a great job of playing the doubting lead, while his more believing wife Pettet knows some bad shit's going down. The atmosphere is suitably creepy, and the kills, while not imaginative, are certainly startling.

One thing I noticed was that the girl played by Cassie Yates is killed by having her throat ripped out by her own German Shepherd. Now I can't say for sure, but it's very similar to the scene in Suspiria when the blind guy gets his throat ripped out in the middle of an city square. I wonder which film Fulci decided to see to get the same death by guide dog scene in the Beyond.

If you can overlook the ridiculous ending with Victor Buono, you'll enjoy this slice of 70's horror cheese. The full movie is on Youtube under House of Evil, but here's a nice trailer to get you started.

7 - Amityville 2 (1982)

Wow. Whereas the first film was to put bluntly, dull as a documentary about teaspoon collecting, this one just says "fuck it, let's creep the hell out of everyone". How did they do that? One Jack Magner.

Magner, playing Sonny Montelli (a thinly disguised version of Ronald DeFeo Jr), reaches a level of pure creepiness that hadn't been seen since Tom Basham in the Psychopath (1973). The way he leers after his sister (played by the lovely Diane Franklin) even made MY skin crawl. 

The story is a awesome mixture of the DeFeo murders retold, mixed in with some blatant Exorcist touches. This wildly dysfunctional family moves into the perfect house. By perfect I mean the best possible place in Long Island to be possessed by your Walkman. Burt Young is the abusive dickhead father, and there ain't no Rocky to save his ass here.

Father Adamsky (James Olson) senses something terribly wrong with the house, but fuck that...it's time to go hang out with Andrew Prine for the weekend. He comes back from the trip to find the whole family dead, and a distraught Sonny saying he doesn't remember.

You've got demon possession, you got incest, and you have one of the most unsettling and realistic looking scenes when Sonny kills his family. Seriously, I dare any of you to watch that particular scene and not be like "whoa".

This one is also on the Youtubes, but you don't have to take my word for it (Reading Rainbow music plays).

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Director: Antonio Margheriti

Stars: David Warbeck, Almanta Suska, John Steiner

In this Italian Indiana Jones ripoff, our hero Bob Jackson (yes, that's his name) and Captain Dave his British bastard of a friend are chasing down a double traitor American spy in 1944. The guy's plane crashes and Jackson parachutes down to see if he's alive. He is, but not for long as savages turn him into a goant pincushion. Jackson gets one for good measure, but is oddly saved by a pretty white girl that the savages seem to obey.

A year later, Captain Dave tracks down Bob in the Philippines (well, that's what it looked like anyway) and offers him a shitload of money (for 1945) to track down what the spy was searching for...the mysterious Ark of the Covenant Golden Cobra.

Along the way, the guys are joined up by this creepy Jack Elan type "archeilogist" and his niece, who is the exact double for the girl who saved Bob a year earlier! Turns out  it's her twin sister, who went with her parents on a missionary trip never to return. The sexual spark between the niece and Bob would be equal to running your feet across carpet and touching your buddy (another person, not your penis).

Captain Dave is killed in an explosion, and the other three explorers set out for the treasure. Do they find it? Will they keep it? Will that mysterious man who keeps appearing in the flames come over here and start my grill? I want me some hot dogs damn it.

Six Things I've Learned From Hunters of the Golden Cobra

1. Savages will worship the hell out of a pretty white girl who dresses like a valley girl.

2. Captain Dave is the biggest damn asshole in this movie. sure he saves the day, but he pretty much forces Bob into all these situations that put him in danger and makes him do ridiculous faces. If I was Bob, I'd punch him in the face in a cock fight arena as well. Maybe a cock punch for good measure.

3. Captain Dave finds Bob at a cock fight "arena", where these two dicks start a fight. I think that people who frequent these places are actually looking for a reason to fight, but don't want to be the ones who start it because they don't want to appear like assholes. But if some random guy falls on your table and spills your beer, it's fair game. There's always etiquette. For a good example, see Roadhouse.

4. !945 Philippines was really ahead of it's time. Not only do they have modern automatic guns, but in one scene I see a guy wearing bell bottoms! Truly before their time.

5. This is one of the better Indiana Jones ripoffs as it uses some of the sequences in random order to try to throw people off. I spotted the being chased to the plane in the water by svages scenes, the kidnapping in a busy marketplace scene, the fight at the airplane strip scene, and the scene where Indy and Marion are surrounded by snakes....only here it's like 5 snakes and some assholes with tiki torches.

6. Why did they name the hero Bob Jackson!? If you're going to make an adventure film where the guy is rising his life constantly and having savages and old men covered in flames following you, you don't name your hero something that you could find in the phone book under Accountants! Spice it up a bit. Call him U.S. Jackson or Reno Monroe or Nevada Neidermeyer. Anything is better than BOB.

Night Shift (1982)

Night Shift (1982)

Director: Ron Howard

Stars: Henry Winkler, Michael Keaton, Shelley Long

In the 80s there was a group of feel-good movies about nerdy white dudes who accidentally became pimps, including Risky Business, Doctor Detroit, and Night Shift. What the genesis of this trend was, I don't know, but maybe it was the studio execs' absolution for their years spent pimping out aspiring starlets. I do know it was a more enjoyable trend than the body-switching movie craze of the late 80s, so who cares why they did it as long as we got some good movies out of it, right?

The Fonz stars here as Chuck, an uptight late 30s guy who is ruled by his mean mama and who is about to be passed off to his equally horrible sea hag of a fiancée. Despite his tight-assedness, he works a slacker job as a morgue attendant. Due to some nepotism on the day shift he gets kicked over to nights, and gets a new partner in Bill Blaze (Michael Keaton) who is either off his meds or else he did ALL the coke. Bill is so bored with the slow pace of the job (because in the universe this movie is set in no one dies at night in New York City) that he starts running a limo service using the city hearses; this segues into pimpery when Chuck's beautiful prostitute neighbor (Long) loses her pimp because Richard Belzer slam-dunks him off a building.

Bill and Chuck aren't doing anything at night anyway, so soon it's oops, we're pandering. Chuck happens to be business savvy due to a past life spent as a stockbroker, so before you know it he's socking away money in a coffee can SO HARD and Bill is flossing in a Stutz Blackhawk. This being an 80s comedy, they're flying through a montage one minute and then they crash, but everything will probably turn out all right in the end.

Henry Winkler shows off his acting abilities here. I can't even believe I'm looking at the same person who plays Arthur Fonzarelli and all he does is change clothes, lower his voice, and lose the swagger. Michael Keaton reminds us why he is 32 flavors of awesome with his lovable, manic Bill. Seriously, that guy needs to be mega-famous again. I'll admit that the movie is a bit dated, and that some loose ends are left at the end of the story, which are two reasons Night Shift doesn't seem to be all that well-remembered. Still, this is far and away my second favorite Ron Howard movie, after A Beautiful Mind. So, what can you learn from this movie?

Six Things I've Learned From Night Shift

1. Night court can't possibly be as entertaining is it is always portrayed in the movies and on TV, otherwise people would just get arrested on purpose when they have nothing better to do.

2. 80s "glamorous" clothes for women were pretty stank looking.

3. A hooker will honestly tell you if she is faking her orgasm with you. Just ask her!

4. The best reason to get tinted windows in your car is so you can give the cops the finger.

5. The day you decide that you have had enough and you are not going to take it anymore, everyone who used to bother you will magically get off your case. Even attack dogs such as your overbearing mother!

6. Never, ever get Joe Spinell wet after midnight.

Don't Go To Sleep VHS Cover

"But I'm so tired, and the bed is so soft, and my skin has grafted to the bedspread!"

Pieces (1982)

Pieces (1982)

Director: Juan Piquer Simon

Stars: Christopher George, Linda Day George, Paul Smith

A crazy chainsaw killer is cutting up women at a local college and stealing the body parts to make themselves the prototype of the live doll. The curly headed guy from Pod People shows his penis, and Paul Smith still looks like Bluto. Watch for an awesome reaction from Linda Day George. Guess Christopher married her to make himself look subtle.

Six Things I've Learned from Pieces

1. Sometimes it's best to just let the kid jerk off to his naked lady puzzle.

2. They have a class with a waterbed in it. I heard final exams could be...hard. Hee Hee.

3. If you are large, angry looking, and constantly fondling a chainsaw, don't be shocked when people think you are a serial killer.

4. Christopher George and Spock's dad Sarek make a great team.

5. Instead of people who could catch a killer, like police officers, the better solution would be to use a goofy college kid and a tennis champion. That makes much more sense.

6. Hey, you're gonna get your penis clawed off by a woman made out of other ladies' parts. What do you think about that?

"It stinks!"