Sunday, December 30, 2012

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)
Director: Brian De Palma
Stars: Jessica Harper, Paul Williams, William Finley

Naive songwriter Winslow Leach allows superstar record producer Swam (Williams) to look at his music. After not hearing back for a month Leach takes a trip to Death Records, Swan's label, to talk to him.

Now what do you think happens?

A) Swan apologizes about the mixup and they talk business
B) The receptionist says he's busy, so Winslow makes and appointment and they discuss it then
C) Winslow is framed for drugs, sent to prison, has all his teeth taken out and is mutilated by a record press

If you guessed A or B, then get out of here. Just get the hell right on out!

Are they gone? Good.

So a deformed Winslow hides away in Swan's new club The Paradise, makes a deal with the devil himself, and has a snazzy new outfit. He also has time to fall in love with sultry Jessica Harper, writing his masterpiece for her. But Swan has other plans.

Six Things I've Learned from Phantom of the Paradise

1. I REALLY hate 50's nostalgia bands. Fuck you Sha Na Na...the only real Bowser likes to kidnap princesses, not look like the Fonz in a funhouse mirror.

2.  The bands onstage only kill for fun, but boy do they die for real.

3. When attacked with bathroom products, is it better to be attacked with a plunger or a scrub brush?

4. Even if you don't like the film, the music in this is fantastic. Paul Williams is a great songwriter, and Jessica Harper's voice is one in a million.

5. Paul Williams looks way too much like a young Silver Spoons era Ricky Schroeder. I was hoping to see Swam ride in on a train.

6. Beef looks an awful lot like Frank N Furter (although that movie was still a year away), and I'm convinced that the Phantom's voice box was ripped off for Darth Vader. Not like De Palma and Lucas didn't know each other.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Phantom Brother (1988)

Phantom Brother (1988)
Director: William Szarka
Stars: John Gigante, Mary Beth Pelshaw, Jon Hammer

In this very rare shot on video flick, some morons get killed in a house by a guy wearing one of those half black/half white masks. This house is the childhood home of Able, who was the only survivor of a car crash that killed his family...or was he? Why is he protecting the oreo man? Who the hell are the fat lady and the girl scout? Where is the logic in this film? How does the crazy doctor drive with a never ending six pack of beer? What the hell am I doing enjoying this crap?

My better half was not a fan of this film and tells us why HERE. Well worth the read.

Six Things I've Learned From Phantom Brother

1. Never get adopted by a family called the Hickmans. They will do everything to try to live up to their last name. Well at least it's not the Shitheads.

2. They can explain that fear and sex are close together as many times as they want to in this film, they are morons for trying to get laid in an abandoned house. Motel 6 too good for you, Jersey stereotype?

3. An entire wall of files all about some crazy guy will never be funny.

4. I don't care if he makes housecalls, I don't want a drunken doctor named Dr. Van Dam to examine me.

5. Beware of roving bands of bad filmmakers coming into your place randomly to shoot some awful shit.

6. If at any point I start having fantasies about living with an annoying girl scout and an always eating woman, feel free to force me to watch a marathon of Nick Millard films. That's the closest thing to death for me.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #19 - Christmas Special!

When things get too rough for Dan, he decides the world would have been better if he hadn't been born. With the help of an Easy Listening Elf (don't ask), he sees what the world would be like without him or his show. Some of it's not pretty.

Listen here!

Track Listing

Opening (It's A Wonderful Dan Part One)
What's This (Nightmare Before Christmas)
We Do Things My Way (Street Trash) - Tony Darrow
Mixed Nuts Trailer
Closing Song for Twice Dead
Sleigh Ride - C3PO and R2-D2
Segment One (Drac goes Dirty)
Christmas Vacation - Mavis Staples
Silent Night Deadly Night Trailer
Brave Heart - Rick Riso
Christmas at Ground Zero - Weird Al Yankovic
Christmas Vacation Rant
 ET I love You (ET Unreleased)- Buckner and Garcia
Segment Two (A Robot President?)
You're a Mean One Mister Grinch
A Christmas Story Trailer
Christmas Time is Here (A Charlie Brown Christmas)
Star Wars Holiday Special Song - Coked up Leia
Closing segment (Evil Marty!?)
Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth -Bing Crosby and David Bowie

Friday, December 14, 2012

Twin Sitters (1995)

Twin Sitters (1995)
Director: John Paragon
Stars: The Barbarian Brothers, George Lazenby, Mother Love

An evil business executive (played by George Lazenby), is releasing dangerous toxins and the Barbarian Brothers set out to stop his evil work.

Six Things I Learned from Twin Sitters

1) When someone says no to your pasta, it's perfectly acceptable to force feed it to them.

2) Nothing screams hip more than driving a big wheeler, blasting rap and wearing a cowboy and bird hat.

3) It's only fitting to have twins babysit twins.

4) The perfect time to knit is during a Chuck Norris film.

5) Tying up children is acceptable punishment.

6)All twins within a ten mile radius form a justice league.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

City of Blood VHS Artwork

This is Sly in the Sky here. Traffic seems to be steady. There's a traffic jam on the corner of 4th and Colburn, a river of blood to your left, and a giant warped head in the sky is about to eat me. Back to you, Bob.

Killer Nerd (1991)

Killer Nerd (1991)
Directors: Wayne A. Harold, Mark Bosko
Stars: Toby Radloff, Lori Scarlett, Richard Zaynor

Harold Kunkle is like the rest of us, just wants to find a nice mate, enjoy some public domain cartoons, and wants a radical 'do. After ordering Slick Dick's set of tapes designed to make him irresistible to the ladies, he decides to go out on the town. But at every turn there people reminding him of what he truly is...a nerd. But they were only half right. After being humiliated one too many times, Harold snaps and becomes...a KILLER NERD! 

Six Things I've Learned from Killer Nerd

1. Establish the hell out of those buildings! Establish until the cows come home!

2. Never, EVER dismiss Harold's cat impression. Unless of course you're not attached to your head.

3. I was very disappointed that Harold didn't get revenge on that ripoff flower shop girl. 

4. Sometimes, you don't really want the extras that comes with your pizza. No refunds!

5. Anytime you see a grown nerd in a diaper, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. And perhaps your erection.

6. Honestly, this film without Toby Radloff would have been nearly unwatchable. His natural charisma really makes this one of my favorite movies. I know I was rooting for him. NERD NERD NERD NERD!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Beyond (1981)

The Beyond (1981)
Director: Lucio Fulci
Stars: Catriona Maccoll, David Warbeck, Al Cliver

Liza inherits a New Orleans hotel from a mysterious uncle and begins working to get the place open. However, strange and increasingly grisly things keep happening, starting with a worker who falls off a scaffold after seeing a pair of eyes looking out at him from an upstairs window. The occurrences center around room 36, which coincidentally was the room of a painter/warlock who was murdered in the hotel many years ago by superstitious swamp folk because he was trying to open a portal to hell. Those jerks! Liza can't sell the hotel, because she's broke and this is her last chance. With the help of a friendly doctor, can she solve the mystery of the Seven Doors Hotel before the world ends?

SEVEN things I've learned by watching The Beyond

1. If you inherit a property, and find two people already employed there who you immediately distrust, FIRE THEM! Fire the hell out of them. You're the $#%*&@! boss, after all.

2. If you are picking up brain waves while doing an EEG on a person who has been dead for years, you're probably looking at the beginning of a zombie outbreak.

3. Do not climb ladders or scaffolds if you are easily startled.

4. Do not pick up weird ladies who hang around on bridges. In most cases you're only risking an STD, but you could get lucky and facilitate the opening of a gate to hell.

5. Do not entry.

6.  Sometimes it's best to just lie back and let art flow over you. It is not best to lie back and let acid flow over you.

7. Eyes? Where we're going we don't need eyes!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Girls Gone Dead (2012)

Girls Gone Dead (2012)
Director: Michael Hoffman Jr. , Aaron T Wells
Stars: Katie Peterson, Shea Stewart, Jerry "The King" Lawler

In this gruesome horror/comedy, a group of hot girls go to stay for a weekend in a big house where a religious serial killer with a large war hammer is killing off "immoral" people. There's also a Girls Gone Wild type of shoot happening nearby, where a bored Ron Jeremy and a disturbingly happy Beetlejuice are hanging about. I went into this thinking it was going to be one of those lame spoofs like Jim Wynorski's Bare Wench Project, but found myself really enjoying this. It helps that one of my favorite wrestlers, Jerry "The King" Lawler is in it as well, and has the best attack against a villain ever. EVER.

Six Things I've Learned From Girls Gone Dead

1. That even though I knew there would be boobies in this, I was happily surprised to see that most of them weren't giant rock hard boulders strapped on some woman's body. Real boobs are awesome.

2. This film shows a more tender, sympathetic side to the Joe Francis type character. I'm fuckin' with ya. He's a giant douchebag.

3. With enough alcohol, we fat men can also get laid by drunk horny chicks. Of course the amount of alcohol is determined by a montage of just drinking. So I'm thinking she drank about 114 shots of booze.

4. If you ever see a can of gasoline in a film, no matter how minor it looks, there WILL be someone running around flailing their arms around on fire. Stop drop and roll, dummy!

5. It wasn't so much the killings that bothered me, but the fact that someone decided to clone the look and mannerisms/acting ability of Tara Reid. *shudders*

6. One of my favorite bad movie actors is in this...the great Asbestos Felt. I need to review Killing Spree next.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Night Shift (1982)

Night Shift (1982)
Director: Ron Howard
Stars: Henry Winkler, Michael Keaton, Shelley Long

In the 80s there was a group of feel-good movies about nerdy white dudes who accidentally became pimps, including Risky Business, Doctor Detroit, and Night Shift. What the genesis of this trend was, I don't know, but maybe it was the studio execs' absolution for their years spent pimping out aspiring starlets. I do know it was a more enjoyable trend than the body-switching movie craze of the late 80s, so who cares why they did it as long as we got some good movies out of it, right?

The Fonz stars here as Chuck, an uptight late 30s guy who is ruled by his mean mama and who is about to be passed off to his equally horrible sea hag of a fiancée. Despite his tight-assedness, he works a slacker job as a morgue attendant. Due to some nepotism on the day shift he gets kicked over to nights, and gets a new partner in Bill Blaze (Michael Keaton) who is either off his meds or else he did ALL the coke. Bill is so bored with the slow pace of the job (because in the universe this movie is set in no one dies at night in New York City) that he starts running a limo service using the city hearses; this segues into pimpery when Chuck's beautiful prostitute neighbor (Long) loses her pimp because Richard Belzer slam-dunks him off a building.

Bill and Chuck aren't doing anything at night anyway, so soon it's oops, we're pandering. Chuck happens to be business savvy due to a past life spent as a stockbroker, so before you know it he's socking away money in a coffee can SO HARD and Bill is flossing in a Stutz Blackhawk. This being an 80s comedy, they're flying through a montage one minute and then they crash, but everything will probably turn out all right in the end.

Henry Winkler shows off his acting abilities here. I can't even believe I'm looking at the same person who plays Arthur Fonzarelli and all he does is change clothes, lower his voice, and lose the swagger. Michael Keaton reminds us why he is 32 flavors of awesome with his lovable, manic Bill. Seriously, that guy needs to be mega-famous again. I'll admit that the movie is a bit dated, and that some loose ends are left at the end of the story, which are two reasons Night Shift doesn't seem to be all that well-remembered. Still, this is far and away my second favorite Ron Howard movie, after A Beautiful Mind. So, what can you learn from this movie?

Six Things I've Learned From Night Shift

1. Night court can't possibly be as entertaining is it is always portrayed in the movies and on TV, otherwise people would just get arrested on purpose when they have nothing better to do.

2. 80s "glamorous" clothes for women were pretty stank looking.

3. A hooker will honestly tell you if she is faking her orgasm with you. Just ask her!

4. The best reason to get tinted windows in your car is so you can give the cops the finger.

5. The day you decide that you have had enough and you are not going to take it anymore, everyone who used to bother you will magically get off your case. Even attack dogs such as your overbearing mother!

6. Never, ever get Joe Spinell wet after midnight.