Tales From The Quadead Zone (1987)

Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Director: Chester Turner

Stars: Shirley L. Jones, William Jones, Doug Daverport

The end of Awful Movie Month is upon us, and that means that I couldn't hold off watching this immortal bastard son of cinema any longer. 

I had seen director Chester Turner's other movie, Black Devil Doll from Hell, and while it was a bit unnerving to watch, I had seen worse. I guess Turner is a time traveler and has already read this article, because he went back to 1987, grabbed his camcorder, made Shirley L. Jones stop soaping up her boobs, and made this monstrosity.

The movie starts with one of the worst opening songs in the entire history of cinema. The worst part is, it started to become catchy the more I heard it. Now it won't leave my head. Why do you hate me so much, head?

So Shirley L. Jones is washing the dishes (she's on credited as "Bobby's Mother") when a mug near a candle with a Madball stuck in it (I'm serious) starts to float. Mom chastises her invisible dead son and asks if he wants her to read him a story. He responds by blowing a fan in Jones' face and going "hushushushushushushush".

A little sidebar here, why does Jones look like she's having an orgasm on the set of a hair commercial whenever Bobby "speaks"? It's extremely disturbing to me. This happens at least ten times over the hour and two minutes running time.

So Bobby materializes a book out of thin air called Tales from the Quadead Zone. I'm not sure what the hell the quadead zone is, but I bet it's sandwiched between the Negative Zone and the Fuck is This Shit Zone.  

So now I realize I'm not only watching an awful movie, it's turned into an awful ANTHOLOGY movie. Bad anthologies are always the worst, filled with stories full of padding and morons talking endlessly. I decided to review each of the "Three" stories (One story I consider half a story since it centers around our storyteller)  and let you share in my pain.

Food For ?  or We're too Stupid to Cut Sandwiches in Half

This story concerns a family of eight who only ever has enough food for a few. The guy at the supermarket must be a real asshole to knowingly sell these people food that won't feed all of them. But then again, I have to side with him when you see these morons can't come up with the brilliant idea of cutting four fucking sandwiches in half.

Dad rings a stupid bell and proceeds to do one of the worst prayers I have ever seen. Love that the dad couldn't even say a prayer without sounding like he was reading a script. "Give us this day our...uh...*looks*...daily bread". Great job Pops, God ain't impressed.

Next day, and same shit happens. Only their giant hillbilly son has had enough of the bell and returns with a shotgun, killing three family members so everyone could eat. Mom didn't seem too upset, but it was hard to tell with her drawn in eyebrows.

Then they cut to stills of the remaining family members. Two of them are shot in the face and chest respectively, while Ma and Pa Kettle "lives high on the hog in witness protection program". Their words, not mine. Shotgun Sammy, we are told, dies in the state gas chair. I'm not sure what the hell a gas chair is, but it must stink to high heaven. He who dealt it, will always have to smelt it.

That's it. Ten minutes. This wasn't a story, this was a situation! Who would tell their child, albeit a dead one, about a guy shooting family members for food!? It used to be "Goodnight Moon", now it's "Goodnight, and Go Fuck Yourself Moon".

Brothers or Fucking Clownshoes

Some guys break into a funeral home to see where their acting careers ended up. I keed I keed. They break in there to steal a body. Do they need a fourth for poker? No, seems it's the brother of one of the three guys, and he wants to enact some revenge on his dead sibling first. But first, lets have some champagne! I'll have the cup shaped like a titty. Damn, the brother got it first.

After his two friends leave, Ted starts berating Dead Fred for all the time he fucked over Ted with his father. Guess Dead Fred broke up Ted's marriage so he could have her. But after telling her he only wanted her to fuck with Ted, she blows her brains out. Ted was planning Dead Fred's murder, but Fred's heart beat him to the punch. 

Ted takes his revenge by dressing Dead Fred up as a clown and burying him in the basement. Really weak plan B there, Ted. But I can't be too mad at Ted, because his infectious laugh fills the room for a good five minutes.

So some spirit (Fred? A Demon? Manute Bol?) enter Dead Fred, and now he becomes Undead Fred. He goes after Ted in the basement speaking in an unintelligible voice and kills him with a pitchfork. As my wife pointed out, there never seems to be a shortage of pitchforks in a suburban dwelling. Because farm equipment and soccer moms go well together.

This one seemed to have a story, but it was padded out to twenty minutes with talk talk talk and more fucking talk. I didn't need to know every grievance Ted had with Fred. I am curious about why "12345" is spraypainted on the wall of the basement. I'd like to think it's Ted's way of remembering his luggage combination. By the way, I love that Ted loves this one shitty painting on his wall so much, that he had to buy an exact duplicate and hang it right beside the original.

I wanna take this moment to talk about just how awful the audio is in this movie. The soundtrack is at a constant level (too damn loud) while mics are randomly put on different people at any time regardless if they are speaking or not. Even when they do speak, you can't understand half the words that are coming out of their mouths. I'm sure they aren't saying anything intelligent, but I'd like to know SOME of what was said.

Unseen Vision or Don't Harass Me About Our Dead Kid, Asshole

So we've come back full circle as the last story involves Bobby and his mom. She's just about to read another story when either her husband or ex shows up. Either way, this is revealed to be Bobby's dad. Mom ain't happy to see Daryl, and Daryl ain't happy to see his former ol' lady has been reading shitty stories to some butt prints in a chair. He lets her know that he cares deeply for her, and although he misses his son as well, that she should start the grieving process and learn to let Bobby go.

I'm kidding. He wacks her across the head with the book and start beating her with it. They struggle until Mom grabs a knife and starts stabbing Daryl. Curse words are yelled, and Mom mentions something about a "last dance" which I assume isn't that Pearl Jam cover song from years back. Mom goes to see Bobby in the bedroom, but Daryl lives long enough to call the cops. 

Two cops that even Barney Fife would have called fucking wimps show up and they arrest Mom. But before they go, Mom asks to use the bathroom. Like morons, they let her. She then proceeds to slit her own throat in what may be one of the better disturbing images I saw out of this film. No, the dead guy from story two who looked like a bunch of playdoh mashed up into one weird color I like to call 'blech" doesn't count.

So Mom's dead. 21 hours later...why 21 I don't know, she strolls back to the house as a yellowish ghost, and she reads Bobby another awful story...this time about what just happened 21 hours ago. "Hey kid, you wanna hear about how I crapped myself after slitting my own throat?!"

While close, this isn't the worst movie ever made. At only a little over an hour long, this felt longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies put together. Extended versions. But as bad as this movie was, as much as I tore it a new asshole, I have an odd admiration of Chester Turner.  I might even watch a Tales From the Quadead Zone 2 if he makes it. Maybe. I'd need a lot of booze.

American Revenge (1988)

American Revenge (1988)

Director: David Schwartz

Stars: Matt Hannon(!), James Van Patten, A.D. Muyich

I've been waiting for the right time to review this cinematic turkey, and being it's almost Thanksgiving, that time is now.

Jag (Muyich) is just your friendly, bodybuilding, non American drug dealer. He's looking to get out of the business after yet another attempt to kill him, but his pal Mel (Van Patten) sets up one last big deal with Angelo (Hannon) out in the desert. Angelo has other ideas, and tries to kill our heroic drug dealer. It's time for some revenge...AMERICAN REVENGE...although Jag doesn't sound the least bit American. Van Patten does, so I guess there's the American part. You got me on a technicality this time movie.

I tracked this one down simply because it's the only other film (to date) that has Samurai Cop Matt Hannon in it. He channels Stallone a bit too much (he did do bodyguard work for Sly), but I thought he did better as the villain than as Samurai Cop Joe (though he was more entertaining in SC).

The rest of this film is a mess of Vegas shots, old fat guys as henchmen, a leading man who can barely put a sentence together, and a director that I just now (as I'm writing this) realized is the director of that other awful movie I reviewed, Las Vagas Bloodbath. Both movies awful, both oddly enduring.

Things I Got Out of American Revenge

- Fast food places such as Burger King are tremendously bad places to deal in ill gotten jewelry. Those kids may look like royalty with those paper hats, but they'll take off with your loot first chance they get. Little bastards.

- If your right hand man is a fat guy named Tiny that looks like he failed the Roadhouse "fat thug" audition, you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel of henchmen.

- Some odd product placement in this film. I'm not sure that Chevy approved that "Heartbeat of America" hat the drug buyer was wearing. No wonder my Taurus drove me from Georgia to Maine in 5 hours and then crashed for a week.

- When a shootout is happening at the bar you are at, It's important to just stand there with your back to the action. Sure you'll get shot, but no one is gonna spike that drink of yours lady!

- While you are a guest at the home of a sleazy drug dealer surrounded by losers with guns, asking for a cut of the drug money is a serious social faux pas

. Things I heard during Matt Hannon's first scene:

Someone saying "It's me" off camera"

A guy telling someone his wife is worried about the guns at their house

And the director saying "action" in the very next scene

- Hey ladies of the church, you wanna come to Vegas to sin, you gotta be prepared to be stuck in a dingy room with an old guy wearing a fake scar named "Scratch". THAT'S Hell!

- Line from the guy who fucks up the BK jewelry deal AND kidnaps the wrong people "I never make the same mistake twice". YOU JUST FUCKING DID!

- Tiny and Scratch have a scene together taking henchmen business, and they come off like two good buddies hanging out. I would have watched an entire movie about the daily lives of these two henchmen. Too bad Scratch dies like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. 

-  Maybe I was hard on the guy who screws things up. Maybe he used to be a good henchmen but personal issues got in the way. Maybe his mortgage is due, or his little henchchildren are sick. I should give him a break.

- Never take your girlfriend to a drug deal.

- When the buddy who doesn't flake out on you gets blown up, maybe you should be screaming like a girl for him instead of crying out for the pal that shows up late. 

- "Sorry, but I was playing strip poker with trashy women" is never a good excuse.

-  I love the banner for the I Have A Dream Beauty pageant. Straight out of a county fair. I'm pretty sure that dream didn't involve being leered at by the director's buddies. Thanks for the sponsorship 7-Up!

- Nice of the director to read lines for the beauty pageant guy so he'll  know what to say on the phone.

-Why was the hero of this video a drug dealer?! Are we suppose to sympathize with the roided out German sounding drug dealer?! I was really hoping for a sequel that starred am Italian legless money launderer who has to run one last pyramid scheme before being double crossed by actual Egyptians who want to put the money in a real pyramid. Since it's Vegas, the Pyramid will be headlined by Frank Sinatra Jr....and James Van Patten.

American Commando Ninja (1988)

American Commando Ninja (1988)

Director: Lo Gio

Stars: Martin Chan, Daniel Garfield, Yolanda Kuk

You see the name listed as director? Don't be fooled my friends. Looking up Lo Gio only brings up two credits...this film and one from 1974. I almost gave Joseph Lai the benefit of the doubt that he had employed another hack to make his films but then in the closing credits I saw it...Story by Godfrey Ho.

I'm 100% convinced I just suffered through another Goddamn Godfrey Ho crapfest.

This movie is a rare one, as it's really one of the only martial arts films that was shot on video. Yep, not only is Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai involved, but they brought their camcorders with them. 

The "story" concerns a scientist with a germ warfare formula and several groups of people that are trying to retrieve said formula. They include a white guy in an office with a circus clown for a girlfriend, a crazy uncle with his own army and two nieces fighting over who will have the ugliest haircut, and a ninja and his new found bromance who are the heroes of this story. The two guys are named Larry and David. Please, curb your enthusiasm.

Unlike most of these films, it doesn't star Richard Harrison and it isn't made up with half a decent movie and half a movie where white guys run around with headbands that say "ninja" on them. But even without those obstacles,  these guys manage to make a film that's completely fucking incoherent. Now that's talent.

Things I Took From American Commando Ninja

- Wise advice from this movie "never trust a scientist". That's why I know Jupiter's gonna crash into us any day now. Just you wait, assholes.

- If you know someone has a homing device on him, take the coat with the device on it and throwing it 20 feet isn't going to throw the bad guys off much. Maybe irritate them a bit though.

- Why is this girl wearing confederate flag shorts?

- Speaking of shorts, why the hell is everyone wearing short shorts. It looks like half the cast is only wearing a shirt and it creeps me out. 

-And while I'm on the subject, whoever was the costume designer on this film should be put out back and shot. Lime green pants, tons of daisy dukes, and shirts of many neon colors. It's like the late 80's surf craze threw up on everyone.

- Apparently a mysterious form of martial arts is called...and I shit you not...Hocus Pocus. This ancient technique includes blow fire out of your fingertips and pulling a rabbit out of your hat...but a rabbit with a katana sword.

- I like when the uncle yells at one of the heroes about being too young to know suffering. "In our day, it was either starve or eat another person, and we LIKED IT!"

- Look out for the "Tusken Raider in Star Wars" tribute every time some fires a gun more than once. Also dig those magically appearing ninja stars.

- One of the girls is so stupid, she thinks her parents were killed during world war 2, despite being maybe 25 years old. Someone's getting an F in history.

- I was going to make a joke about how the final battle looks like it takes place on a giant playground until I realized it actually WAS being fought on a giant playground! 

- The final scene is sweet, when Larry and David do the patented bro handshake and gaze into each other's eyes, holding back their true feelings. You don't believe me? The whole movie's on youtube. Go watch it and see. I expect an apology.

Blood Freak (1972)

Blood Freak (1972)

Directors: Brad F. Ginter, Steve Hawkes

Stars: Steve Hawkes, Dana Cullivan, Heather Hughes

Bad films seem to somehow find their way into my life, and disappointingly, onto my television. Take last night for example. I was all set to watch something that didn't make me want to pray to the little girl from the Visitor to send her pet bird to peck my eyes out. I decided to let my beautiful wife, who likes to watch "real" films (you know, ones with budgets, real actors, and sets not made from children's materials) pick the movie.

"There's a movie I've been wanting you to see for a couple years now" She said. usually her film choices are ones that I resist, but later had to admit to being fun to watch. I WAS a little suspicious however when she started handing me beer bottles to drink before the movie started.

Now I know why. I got hookwinked into an awful movie.

Blood Freak is a regional horror film from Florida about Herschell, a big biker guy who looks and acts like a proto Tommy Wiseau, hanging out with a bible quoting babe and her sister, who likes to do biblical things with Herschell. After hooking up with the drug happy sister, Herschell goes to work on some guy's turkey farm. Not really sure what the hell kind of turkey farm this is, because there are two "scientists" who ask Herschell to eat a whole turkey injected with some strange chemical they are working on. The Hersch devours the turkey, and before you know it he's a giant turkey headed freak.

Will Turkey Hersch still get him some of that sweet lovin? Will his unusual turkey crazed lust for blood be sated?  Or is he doomed to be chased around by the Butterball people each November? 

Things I've Learned/Suffered from Watching Blood Freak

- I know this had a budget of 15 bucks, but wasn't there a better choice for a scientist than the bastard Hee Haw love child of Roy Clark and Junior Samples?

- Although I'm sure drug dealers want to look cool like the rest of us, if your haircut consists of greaser in the back and a 12 head in the front, you might want to see a different stylist. The Chinese Fonzie monk look just ain't workin'.

- I like how the movie makes you think the bible quoting lady is the main gal of the film when, SWERVE, it's her drug addicted sister! Because the star of the film (who also co-wrote and co-directed) couldn't spell heroine correctly.

- It is a social faux pas to call someone a tramp at a swinging drug party. They worked hard to put together this party of sex and drugs and you have to be the turd in the punchbowl.

- Turkeyhead Hersch has to be seen to be believed. It's like someone saw a turkey once, and then decided he should look like a chicken/owl hybrid instead. 

- While Hersch was rude at your party, it does NOT mean you can invite your friends over and take a gander at your sideshow boyfriend. At least make them keep the stuffing and the cranberries in the car.

- Want to be in the film but all the good parts are taken? Just make yourself the narrator and you too can play God. PULL ZE STRINGS!

If you don't want to be spoiled: read no further.

- This movie, despite the many MANY flaws, was an almost enjoyable piece of crap. Turkeyhead hersch was killing folks and his girlfriend showed her butt. Too bad that they decide that this wasn't a crazy monster slasher, but an anti drug/pro Jesus film! I'm pro Jesus, sure, but unless he's fighting off Turkeyhead Hersch, I'd rather not have him thrown into the mix for no reason. Don't pretend that his mutation and killing spree was nothing more than a long ass hallucination! I don't care if he kicks the habit and rejoins his stupid girlf friend! I want her to have to blast his damn turkeyneck off and serve him for dinner to all her stoner friends while they watch Up In Smoke for the 400th time! ARRRGHHH!

Body Rock (1984)

Body Rock (1984)

Director: Marcelo Epstein

Stars: Lorenzo Lamas, Ray Sharkey, Michelle Nicastro

I realize that a review consisting of a picture of me with my jaw dropped wasn't going to cut it, so I had to compose myself to be able to talk about this insane film.

Chilly D (Lamas) heads up a crew of various rappers, breakdancers, and DJ's called the Body Rock. Chilly is just your classic, clean cut guy with a fast mouth, a good look, and an allergy to sleeves. When Chilly gets a new nightclub manager to come see Body Rock's show, he's upset that the guy only wants him. But roll him up in blacklit toilet paper, give him a rich but vacant sugar mama, and bedazzled his face, and Chilly dumps his friends like people do DVD's of Renegade. But since that happens after the first half hour, you know it's gonna turn to shit.

Watching this, it was like someone saw Breakin', thought "Hey, we can do this kind of movie too" and then someone else ran in and yelled "put in lots of musical style numbers!" to make it instantly uncool.

Will Chilly D realize that dumping his friends isn't cool? Will the girl he's sweet on be OK that he's dating a moronic socialite? Why is there an 12 year old kid working in a nightclub? Why is Meat from the Porky's movies playing a bouncer? Go watch it yourself...I'm not sitting through that again!

Things I Took From Body Rock

- If you watch this film, the first 30 minutes seem almost normal. Then around the 35 minute mark, it turns into a world of What The Fuckery.

- Look Lorenzo, I know you want people to go see you perform at the club, but I don't think breaking the fourth wall and asking the viewer to go is the best way to go about it.

- They bedazzled Lorenzo's face for a musical number. Not a little bit of glitter, but actual rhinestones forming on his face. No clue why he's not taken seriously.

- At one point I thought "This couldn't get any weirder". Trying to prove me wrong, the movie takes Chilly and his new rich buddies and have them go to a gay bar. Hey Chilly, you just had rhinestones on your face, don't try to act macho when the Robert Duvall looking guy who's bankrolling you wants a little tongue action. Damn prude.

- At one point early in the film, Chilly is dressed up exactly like Ken in Street Fighter 2. HaDORKen!

- Never ask Chilly to help you get into a place. No matter how many times I told them I was with Chilly, the Applebees people made me hold one of those vibrating coasters anyway. It felt good in my pants. What? Like you never did that.

- There's a deeper message in this movie, and it's one that I haven't seen talked about anywhere. I'm talking about sleeves. Let me explain. When we see Chilly, every article of clothing is missing sleeves. This is to show that he's a simple man, with simple pleasures like hanging with his buddies and performing some of the worst raps ever written by an 8 year old. But once he's lured into more expensive tastes, he's wearing sleeves like they're going out of style. Long sleeves, shorts sleeves, you got a sleeve, and he'll conform to wear it. Sure he's sleeveless on stage, but that's just him "frontin" as the kids never say. It's only after the inevitable downfall that he realizes that those sleeves were choking him, constricting the talent that he may have hiding in his armpits. So off those sleeves went and the happier he got. Still looking for the talent though.

I had to put a clip to this, and if anything sums up the insanity and awfulness that is Body Rock, this is it.

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Director: Nick Millard

Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.

- I REALLY HATE NICK MILLARD. YOU SUCK AT FILM MAKING!

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)

Director: Jet Eller

Stars: Donny Broom. Alvin Johnson, A Wicked Alligator Man puppet

For the first film of Awful Movie Month, I picked something I have never heard of before. All I knew was that the premise sounded funny to me. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a "so bad it's good" kinda film or simply a "please God kill me now" kind of film. Thankfully, it's the former.

This film is about two goofy friends named Gary and Alan, who are trying to get Gary's aunt and uncle safely to North Carolina. This plan turns to shit when a gang of redneck vigilantes, led by the stereotypical sheriff, kidnap the bumbling duo and try to kill them. When Gary's aunt dies at the hands of these bastards, Uncle Marley takes revenge...and that revenge is spelled V-O-O-D-O-O.

Marley brings back all the dead drug dealers these assholes have killed, along with a giant gator man /monster, to extract revenge. Yep, we're dealing with redneck zombies.

Things I've Learned/Took From Marley's Revenge

- Contrary to popular belief, Africa Dan is NOT based on me. I've never been to Africa. Now Kentucky Dan...that's me to a tee. I can teach you how to survive on Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi. 

- Why does the aunt, who is American, speak with that generic Haiti accent?

- This movie proves that funny bumper stickers aren't just for cars. Shit Happens indeed, you wise ol' cooler.

- There were so many badly dubbed people, I thought this was an Italian flick at first. Or maybe a Godfrey Ho movie.

- Despite the awfulness of this film, the alligator monster puppet is pretty damn impressive. Not scary in the slightest, but impressive nonetheless. 

- If you ever encounter a southern redneck zombie, remember two words...Moon Pie.

- Nurses in insane asylums think that staring into corners of room is pretty damn sexy. So start staring!

-Since I started off pretty safe (this movie is terrible, but fun), that means that the next film is gonna hurt...a lot.

- If you have two local DJ's mock your movie, it's only fair that they have to eat themselves.

Awful Movie Month is Here!

As you can tell by the frightened eyes of John Wintergate, you have entered the Wide Weird World of CRAP Films. All through November, I will be enduring some of the worst films ever put on celluloid, VHS, DV, or someone drawing pictures on duct tape. Some may be entertaining exploits, other will make me wear my eyeballs as earrings. But all watched for the sake of your entertainment.

Come feel the pain with me all month. I may even post clips, if I'm not under the kitchen table in the fetal position crying.

Skatetown U.S.A. (1979)

Skatetown U.S.A (1979)

Director: William A. Levey

Stars: Patrick Swayze, Flip Wilson, Maureen McCormick

In the late 70's everyone and their grandmother were putting out roller skating films due to Xanadu. Had they known how badly it would bomb, they would have went with orangutan movies instead. Besides Xanadu, we had Roller Boogie, starring the still young but big tittied Linda Blair, and this mish mash of crap.But what do you expect from the guy who brings you Blackenstein and Wham! Bam! Thank You Spaceman?

I like ensemble movies, the ones where everything happens in a single day/night and involves multiple characters in different subplots, but this one just doesn't do it very well. Characters you think are important disappear for half the movie, while we're stuck watching morons like the doctor who thinks he's in Nam for what seems like hours at a time.

Flip Wilson and his dad Billy Barty (yes, the famous white little person) run Skatetown U.S.A, which is so huge it might as well be it's own actual town. There's a big skating contest and Stan from the valley plans to win it with help from his manager Chachi and his sister Marsha Brady. Standing in their way is a gang led by that dreamy dastardly Ace (Swayze in his first role).Ace never loses, not only due to his mad skills, but also because his buddy Horshack sabotages the competition.

In other asinine subplots, Flip Wilson dresses in drag as his mom, the aforementioned doctor who thinks he's in simulated 'Nam, a chick with an awesome rack being told jokes for an hour by some geriatric pervert while waiting for pizza, and Murray Langston basically being an annoying douchebag. I think I saw Ruth Buzzi in there too. 

Six Things I've Learned From Skatetown U.S.A

1. Dress him in leather, grow a beard, make him act crazy, but nobody is going to believe Ron Palillo is a mean gang thug. EVER.

2. We are cursed to have an appearance by the Unknown Comic in this film. I fully believe this is the reason that this movie has never been released on VHS or DVD (I saw it on youtube). They were trying to spare you his unfunny act!

3. The DJ in this movie not only has Gary Spivey hair (look him up), but can shoot bolts out of his hands and make terrible skating troupes appear. He's suppose to be the guy that's hip and cool, but I kept thinking that the living mr. microphone was going to electrocute himself shooting out sparks willy nilly. Bet he stole his power from KISS after they met the Phantom of the Park,

4. When I think of fun sexy teen skating disco films, I think of Dave Mason.

5. You'd think seeing Maureen McCormick wear a tube top and hot pants would do things to your "lil skating partner" but oddly it just isn't all that flattering. Damn you tube tops!

6. I fully think they were recruiting a new Village People type band. In the skate contest, you had Swayze as the gay Warrior (gang member), there was a guy dressed like Uncle Sam, someone dressed like a bullfighter or bandit or something, and Stan, who decides to be the gay Zorro after putting on a mask. This of course not at all hiding the fact that the guy playing Stan couldn't do the moves gay Zorro could. They even play Macho Man during fake Stan's routine!

Beasties (1991)

Beasties (1991)

Director: Steven Paul Contreras

Stars: Eric C. Bushman, Denise Mora, James Jeffries

I hate when movies try to advertise themselves as the worst movie ever. The Golden Turkey jackasses tried to do it with Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's not...not by a long shot. The director of Beasties tried to call his film the worst movie ever a few years back and of course he's wrong as well. I've already seen the worst movie ever in Alien Beasts, and I still have some David "The Rock" Nelson movies to review. I know it's some marketing ploy, but you can take Troll 2, and Birdemic, and shove em up your asses. They aren't the worst movies ever...they're just unwatchable crap.

This convoluted mess is about some nerd who finds a spaceship, so of course in the name of being "friendly" he steals one of the ship's eggs. Yes, because being a thief will show the evil hand puppets you're a good guy. 

So he and his big haired girlfriend show up at this other chick's house. Now she had been fighting off a beastie after she and her body double took a shower. They work together to..do something while other characters come and go comically. 

There's also a punk gang lead by Hammerhead who all worship this Skeletor wannabe named Osires. He likes to surround himself with rejected GLOW wrestlers and make them fight to the death. Oh and Hammerhead's old lady really does look like an old lady, with her crow's feet and her giant Cher hair.

This movie jumps from scene to scene without making a bit of sense. Then at the end, our hero stands in front of the main alien and delivers a 10 minute exposition on what's going on. And I STILL couldn't make any sense out of it.

Oh well, at least it's entertaining in a goofy way. Not the worst movie ever.

Six Things I've Learned From Beasties

1. Every group of punks need their own giant fat hairy guy. It's punk union rules.

2. The "beasties" themselves are perhaps the coolest looking hand puppets ever to show up on super 8. They reminded me of a cross between two toys from the 80's, Boglins and the insect vehicles of the Sectaurs. I want one of my own!

3. When the soundtrack started playing that fake tuba fat guy/nerd music, I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a fat (for 1991) nerdy guy pulls up in his car. I know my fat/nerd music...mainly because the guy making it won't stop following me around. It hurts.

4. There's very little of the beasties in question in this film. The main villains are this inept group of punks that basically annoy people and have ugly amazonian chick fights. The title of this should have been "Annoying Assholes With Bad Hair".

5. I'm very impressed with the suppose main villain's batting helmet made from some poor schmuck's skull. I was less impressed when he drank blood and became a minor league version of a member of GWAR.

6. So the big twist in this film is that the alien ship that has landed is in fact, our nerdy hero from the future after performing stupid experiments on himself. So basically our hero is making his girlfriend go up inside him (a future him, yes, but him nonetheless). Geez pal, you should start out slow...like a couple fingers deep first. Perv.

Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)

Director: Carl J. Sukenick

Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a plot...you know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.

Santa Claws (1996)

Santa Claws (1996)

Director: John A. Russo

Stars: Debbie Rochon, Grant Cramer, John Mowod

I know I know, it's too early for Christmas movies, but I gotta be honest here...if I reviewed this at Christmastime, I'd get depressed. That's why this gets an entry in the Awful Movie Month festivities.

This movie  has such a bare plot, that it would have to be sold in a plastic wrapper to people over the age of eighteen. Kid kills his 50 year old stripper mom and gross uncle in bed because he has dead daddy issues. In present time the now grown up kid has moved his obsession to what I assume is his neighbor, a scream queen (Rochon). He wants her for himself so he plots to kill her film coworkers, her cheating mulleted husband, and anyone else that gets in his way. 

And how does he kill these people? By dressing up as an awful movie character (the title of this crap) and stabbing them with a small rake. Yes, a fucking gardening tool. Not a cool one like a shovel or gardening shears...but a fucking tiny rake.

I had no expectations going into this, and came out with less. I'm not even sure how that's possible.

Six Things I've Learned From Santa Claws

1. The photographer husband has one of the best mullets I've ever seen. I hope he's doing a Joey Buttafucco one man show "Amy Fisher and Me".

2. This movie is a big advertisment for Scream Queens Illustrated, a magazine that had low level scream queens (mixed with REAL scream queens like Rochon, Brinke Stevens, and Linnea Quigley) doing badly shot playboy style nude layouts. I'm not even sure some of these women could scream, considering a lot of them I never saw in any movie whatsoever, much less one where screaming was required.  And trust me, considering the crap I watch for this site, I would have seen SOME of them.

3. where the fuck is the gore in this movie! When we have someone who helped create one of the goriest subgenre of horror films at the helm, I expect a little more. I'm not talking about jump roping with intestines, but sure as fuck more than putting small gobs of red nail polish on someone's fucking face and body! That's all there is!  Rake wound? little red nail polish. Gunshot to the face? A little dab will do ya.

4. I really enjoyed that they went from a nude posing/awkward dancing scene immediately into a nude shower scene with the same actress. I was hoping they would then cut to a nude driving scene and then to a nude eating cold leftovers on the couch watching an episode of Tales From the Darkside scene.

5. Apparently, putting sleeping pills in the drinks of the kids you are babysitting is a BAD idea. But hey, how else are you going to go out and kill people with two brats running around asking where the bathroom is!? "I'm busy putting nail polish on this woman's fake jugs, go piss in that trashcan!"

6. The fuck happened to you Russo!? Sure your movies weren't as well recieved as George Romero's but the Majorettes was cheesy fun at least. The only good thing about this film was Debbie Rochon (and that nutty killer guy as well). And to make it worse, you dragged Bill Hinzman into this! I'm convinced this was just an excuse for you and Billy Boy to stand around and watch women take their clothes off. If you at least admitted THAT I would understand. Would have picked better models (again, except Rochon) but hey, if big fake titties are your bag, jump on in!

John, I am disappoint.

The Killer's Edge (1991)

The Killer's Edge (1991)

Director: Joseph Merhi

Stars: Wings Hauser, Robert Z'Dar, Karen Black

I have something to confess...I love Robert Z'Dar. Ever since I first saw him in Soultaker (the MST3K version) I have been fascinated by this man. From everything I've read, he's an extremely nice man, which makes him even cooler to me. Sure he's not in the shape he used to be, but in all honesty, he's not a bad actor at all and should be doing character roles now. I'd cast him.

Wings Hauser on the other hand. I'm just not getting it. When was it decided to go with this guy as a leading man, even in direct to video productions? Not all that handsome, he comes off as a poor man's Gary Busey. Admittedly, this is the first Wings Hauser movie I've seen, but my recent VHS haul assures me that it won't be the last.

Jack Saxon (Hauser) is one of those Dirty Harry type cops dumbed down to action movie fans...which means that he kills everyone in sight. You'd think he'd get some prison time for that, but I guess it employs ambulance drivers and morgue attendants so he only gets yelled at and occasionally suspended. 

Saxon finds out that his old Vietnam buddy Miller (Z'Dar) is not a nice person, and have been counterfeiting millions of dollars. Oh and also challenging Saxon for the title of "killing the most people in a small area" title. Will Saxon take down his old pal who saved his life in 'Nam? Will Miller share the fake money with Saxon and they go off to Cabo together? And will Saxon's partner ever have the balls to fire a gun at someone? My money's on Cabo.

Six Things I've Learned From The Killer's Edge

1. One of the henchmen is named Tony, and I swear to God this man looks like Tony Curtis only with weird painted in eyebrows. Robert Blake in Lost Highway would have been creeped out by this guy.

2. Never let a fat naked guy in a massage parlor tell you to put down your gun. he will try to shoot you. You do not want to be known as the guy who got shot by the fat naked guy in the massage parlor. Fat naked guys will be coming out of the woodworks to get a piece of you.

3. In one scene, Saxon shows up at his fiance's place of work drunk as hell. What does she do? She teaches kids how to ice skate! I'm not sending my kid to be taught by some bimbo who let's Wings Hauser's drunken face slobber all over her! I did enjoy the comical bassoon music when El Drunko tried to get on the ice.

4. Here's a recipe for awesomeness...take one Robert Z'dar, add one (or two if you'd like) rocket launchers, throw in a pinch of maniacal laughter, mix it up and you got one hell of a villain. Fake Tony Curtis sold separately.

5. Karen Black plays someone from the FBI. I'm not sure what her rank is because she's never allowed to leave the one room she's in the whole movie. I wonder if that was the director's idea. Either he only had her for a day or two or he didn't want to run the insurance risk of letting Karen Black roam the city free. Millions of lives could have been lost.

6. I have to admit, as awful as this was, I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's fun to see Hauser "Busey" his way through a movie as a handsome action lead.  He may not be an Expendable, but for me, he sure is a Dependable.

For added fun, go read Wings' IMDb page. I'm sure whoever wrote his bio has NO connection to him whatsoever.

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

Director: David DeCoteau (under a pseudonym)

Stars: Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Eric Roberts' drunken voice

I don't care what anyone tells me, David DeCoteau may be the worst director working today.  It's disturbing to see someone flat out saying in their films "I don't give two fucks about this except for the money". Now there's nothing wrong with money, but show a little pride in your work, man!

My mini rant out of the way, I'll try to explain the plot here. For some unknown reason, Duffy the cat has shown up to get two families together. One family, a wealthy computer programmer with terrible hair and his son...the other, a shriveled up woman and her two annoying teenagers. Sounds pretty boring right?

But this cat can motherfucking TALK!

Of course he can only talk to a person once, which makes no sense whatsoever except to lower the already staggering special effects this film has. The talking cat mouth cost well over 400 grand.

I know this is a kid's movie, and it wasn't made for ME, but the only children that would get any enjoyment out of this are those in comas. 

Six Things I've Learned From A Talking Cat!?!

1.It's common practice for lower budgeted films to use celebrities that aren't used as often as they once were. This movie has one of the odder pairings in former child star Johnny Whitaker and former hottie porn star/actress Kristine DeBell. Don't get me wrong, they were fine (it's hard not to like Whitaker) but it made me think about other odd pairings I'd like to see. Maybe Erik Estrada and Pamela Sue Martin...or perhaps Jim Nabors and Traci Lords. Well GOOOOLLLYYY!

2. There is no human being with a working brain stem that can't tell that the guy playing Johnny Whitaker's son couldn't play a straight man even if Jerry Lewis was his partner.

3. Is there a reason why Eric Roberts sounds like he's doing his line readings over a cell phone? He slurs his lines so much that I got drunk listening to him.

4. These people are obsessed with cheese puffs. At one point, the movie gets centered around making cheese puffs. I thought about making a drinking game whenever anyone said "cheese puffs" (and it has to be at least 30 times) but then I realized that I'd have to watch this movie again. Let someone else suffer.

5. Why the fuck is there clown music playing over half this movie. Sure Vampire Cop had all sorts of inappropriate music, but this one has a real circus  theme going on. Next time I hear a slide whistle I'm going to burn a clown car. That's 60 clowns going down!

6. I know DeCoteau is gay, and I don't care about that. But at some point, you have to put aside your big gay fantasies of young men without their shirts on when it's a fucking children's movie. At least he didn't have them in tidy whiteys like he does in all his other films..and I do mean ALL his other films.

Savage Vows (1994)

Savage Vows (1994)

Director: Robert Dennis

Stars: Kelly Ashton, Armond Sposto,, Mark Polonia

We start off Awful Movie Month with the twin terrors of no budget cinema, the Polonia Brothers. Best known for Splatter Farm and Feeders, my dumb ass decided to start things off with one of their lesser known "films".

From what I could tell due to the subpar audio, some guy is upset because his wife is dead, so all his moronic buddies show up to bum off him. They make him grill food, force him to watch horror movies, and then hit him up for money! At that point, I wanted him to be the killer just so he'd have a few less hot dogs to put on the grill for these moochers.

Someone's POVing around killing these yokels, and because it's happy you're even watching it, the movie brings in a couple more people to get mutilated...although looking at these people, it might be an improvement.

 This film rivals Death Nurse in the amount of the cast that is ugly. Death Nurse is at 100%...Savage Vows is only at 98%.

Six Things I've Learned From Savage Vows 

1. Love the wildly inappropriate music that randomly plays throughout this film. It seems like all genres were represented here. I was particularly fond of the one that sounded like it should be playing on the loudspeakers at the mall. Very scary stuff.

2. Everyone drives back from the funeral. Later on one of the characters gets so upset she runs out of the house and ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CEMETERY! Either she's a fucking olympic sprinter or those were some lazy assholes.

3. The audio in this is beyond atrocious. You either can't hear a damn thing they are saying or you hear it in some weird echo chamber. Not that what they had to say was important...or acted very well, but it would have been nice to know WHAT was said.

4. Mark Polonia has what is commonly known as a bad high school mustache. But that man is so fucking proud of it, he puts it on full display in this film. Mark Polonia's Wild Mustache Ride is one ride with no waiting time...or people in line.

5. I must admit that I had a bit of glee in me watching some crazy gibberish spouting homeless man get stabbed literally a hundred times with one of those fake retractable knives you see in halloween shops. Not so much when his manlike female companion got a painfully obvious plastic meat cleaver in the back.

6. This movie is already short enough at 71 minutes, but they had to actually pad this pile of Mickey Rooney's meat morsels by having the killer do what I can only guess is a real estate tour of the house. "And over here is where I plan to stab you with an arrow I got out of one of those toy bow and arrows sets at the Woolworths. And this here is a perfect spot to decapitate your loved ones!"