The Killer's Edge (1991)

The Killer's Edge (1991)

Director: Joseph Merhi

Stars: Wings Hauser, Robert Z'Dar, Karen Black

I have something to confess...I love Robert Z'Dar. Ever since I first saw him in Soultaker (the MST3K version) I have been fascinated by this man. From everything I've read, he's an extremely nice man, which makes him even cooler to me. Sure he's not in the shape he used to be, but in all honesty, he's not a bad actor at all and should be doing character roles now. I'd cast him.

Wings Hauser on the other hand. I'm just not getting it. When was it decided to go with this guy as a leading man, even in direct to video productions? Not all that handsome, he comes off as a poor man's Gary Busey. Admittedly, this is the first Wings Hauser movie I've seen, but my recent VHS haul assures me that it won't be the last.

Jack Saxon (Hauser) is one of those Dirty Harry type cops dumbed down to action movie fans...which means that he kills everyone in sight. You'd think he'd get some prison time for that, but I guess it employs ambulance drivers and morgue attendants so he only gets yelled at and occasionally suspended. 

Saxon finds out that his old Vietnam buddy Miller (Z'Dar) is not a nice person, and have been counterfeiting millions of dollars. Oh and also challenging Saxon for the title of "killing the most people in a small area" title. Will Saxon take down his old pal who saved his life in 'Nam? Will Miller share the fake money with Saxon and they go off to Cabo together? And will Saxon's partner ever have the balls to fire a gun at someone? My money's on Cabo.

Six Things I've Learned From The Killer's Edge

1. One of the henchmen is named Tony, and I swear to God this man looks like Tony Curtis only with weird painted in eyebrows. Robert Blake in Lost Highway would have been creeped out by this guy.

2. Never let a fat naked guy in a massage parlor tell you to put down your gun. he will try to shoot you. You do not want to be known as the guy who got shot by the fat naked guy in the massage parlor. Fat naked guys will be coming out of the woodworks to get a piece of you.

3. In one scene, Saxon shows up at his fiance's place of work drunk as hell. What does she do? She teaches kids how to ice skate! I'm not sending my kid to be taught by some bimbo who let's Wings Hauser's drunken face slobber all over her! I did enjoy the comical bassoon music when El Drunko tried to get on the ice.

4. Here's a recipe for awesomeness...take one Robert Z'dar, add one (or two if you'd like) rocket launchers, throw in a pinch of maniacal laughter, mix it up and you got one hell of a villain. Fake Tony Curtis sold separately.

5. Karen Black plays someone from the FBI. I'm not sure what her rank is because she's never allowed to leave the one room she's in the whole movie. I wonder if that was the director's idea. Either he only had her for a day or two or he didn't want to run the insurance risk of letting Karen Black roam the city free. Millions of lives could have been lost.

6. I have to admit, as awful as this was, I enjoyed the hell out of it. It's fun to see Hauser "Busey" his way through a movie as a handsome action lead.  He may not be an Expendable, but for me, he sure is a Dependable.

For added fun, go read Wings' IMDb page. I'm sure whoever wrote his bio has NO connection to him whatsoever.

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Scott Shaw, Joe Estevez, Don Stroud

This is the second sequel in a series that began with 1991's The Roller Blade Seven. Here we have an intentionally plotless film (they actually call it "Zen Filmmaking") based off of novels by producer and star Scott Shaw. Half naked ladies rollerblade in an aqueduct while Joe Estevez spouts bullshit and tries to convince Shaw to become evil. Frank Stallone plays a black knight, but does not threaten to gnaw anyone's knees off. Porn star Jill Kelly dry humps another chick next to a dude playing the congas. Everyone involved appears to be having a blast.

I would have liked this better if it had more naked rollerblading, a lot more fighting, and less talking, but you can't always get what you want. Turn off your brain and enjoy the yellow-filtered view, because you may enjoy this if you like 80s music videos. But don't try to understand what is going on, because you can't. As a bonus, there is a song at the end that describes the events of the film.

Six Things I've Learned From Return of the Roller Blade Seven

1. I think they got the idea for those old Rhino Video commercials with the two guys dancing around in the desert while saying stuff like "Oh virtuous Rhino" from this movie.

2. You have to be a damn good rollerblader to feel confident enough to rollerblade on concrete while topless and in a thong.

3. Every Sunday in Hell they eat fruit, carrots, and marshmallows, all garnished with rainbow sprinkles, off of a naked lady.

4. Never shroom with Karen Black.

5. After the apocalypse, they will still have phone service in L.A.

6. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

WWWofCF's Top 15 Favorite Horror Movie Moments #15

Since this month is when all the witches fly and the freaks come out at night and people are trying to figure out how to put razor blades in popcorn balls, I thought I'd put together my own little list of favorite Horror Movie Moments. 

Now I'm not saying these are the best scenes ever (well to me they are) as any list like this is subjective, but I'd like to get your comments on the selections I've made. 

These are not in any particular order.

#15 "I Remember You" from House of 1000 Corpses

 I know Rob Zombie is hit or miss with some of you, but I've always enjoyed his work (Halloween 2 notwithstanding). It's obvious he has a true love of exploitation and cult films and casts his movies accordingly. You can say he casts his wife too often, but a lot of directors do that...looking at you Timmy Burton. 

While I love the Captain Spaulding scenes (and can currently be his double right now), it's this particular scene listed that got me the first time I saw it. The sheer slow motion brutality and shock while the sweet tones of Slim Whitman echos in the air is such a great pairing. The long silent pullback before the deputy is shot (not by Eric Clapton) is almost painful. Twenty seconds of agonizing silence fills the air before the gun goes off.

Stay tuned to this site as I'll have more of my favorite horror scenes all this month. Man I'm looking forward to Lords of Salem.