A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

Director: David DeCoteau (under a pseudonym)

Stars: Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Eric Roberts' drunken voice

I don't care what anyone tells me, David DeCoteau may be the worst director working today.  It's disturbing to see someone flat out saying in their films "I don't give two fucks about this except for the money". Now there's nothing wrong with money, but show a little pride in your work, man!

My mini rant out of the way, I'll try to explain the plot here. For some unknown reason, Duffy the cat has shown up to get two families together. One family, a wealthy computer programmer with terrible hair and his son...the other, a shriveled up woman and her two annoying teenagers. Sounds pretty boring right?

But this cat can motherfucking TALK!

Of course he can only talk to a person once, which makes no sense whatsoever except to lower the already staggering special effects this film has. The talking cat mouth cost well over 400 grand.

I know this is a kid's movie, and it wasn't made for ME, but the only children that would get any enjoyment out of this are those in comas. 

Six Things I've Learned From A Talking Cat!?!

1.It's common practice for lower budgeted films to use celebrities that aren't used as often as they once were. This movie has one of the odder pairings in former child star Johnny Whitaker and former hottie porn star/actress Kristine DeBell. Don't get me wrong, they were fine (it's hard not to like Whitaker) but it made me think about other odd pairings I'd like to see. Maybe Erik Estrada and Pamela Sue Martin...or perhaps Jim Nabors and Traci Lords. Well GOOOOLLLYYY!

2. There is no human being with a working brain stem that can't tell that the guy playing Johnny Whitaker's son couldn't play a straight man even if Jerry Lewis was his partner.

3. Is there a reason why Eric Roberts sounds like he's doing his line readings over a cell phone? He slurs his lines so much that I got drunk listening to him.

4. These people are obsessed with cheese puffs. At one point, the movie gets centered around making cheese puffs. I thought about making a drinking game whenever anyone said "cheese puffs" (and it has to be at least 30 times) but then I realized that I'd have to watch this movie again. Let someone else suffer.

5. Why the fuck is there clown music playing over half this movie. Sure Vampire Cop had all sorts of inappropriate music, but this one has a real circus  theme going on. Next time I hear a slide whistle I'm going to burn a clown car. That's 60 clowns going down!

6. I know DeCoteau is gay, and I don't care about that. But at some point, you have to put aside your big gay fantasies of young men without their shirts on when it's a fucking children's movie. At least he didn't have them in tidy whiteys like he does in all his other films..and I do mean ALL his other films.

The Cloth (2013)

The Cloth (2013)

Director: Justin Price

Stars: Kyler Willett, Perla Rodriguez, Eric Roberts (for 5 minutes)

Having gotten tired of being burned on new horror by Netflix, I decided to go another route. Enter Hulu Plus. We got this mainly for the Criterion Collection, but I decided to take another chance on new horror and pick a movie at random. 

This proves to me that I have no taste in movies, even when it's at random.

This mashup of better horror movies is about some non believing douchebag who has to join up with the Men in Bla...I mean ass kicking priests to...well to be honest this movie isn't very clear on that. Some asshole demon (played by the director) comes down and becomes a big pimp, making out with the ladies before either killing them or making them all mucked up. 

Priests fighting demons...that's about it. Eric Roberts is in this for 5 mniutes proving he'll act in anything for a paycheck. Danny Trejo is also in this for an additional 5 minutes...but since he was in Machete, I'll give him a pass just this once. The main hero in this is the less talented clone of Paul Walker. Think about that for a minute.

No cloth was harmed in the making of this movie.

Six Things I've Learned From The Cloth

1. The editing here is atrocious. In one scene our moronic hero pays a visit to the guy who killed his father (out on parole), and finds out he's a demon. Our hero proclaims "You have got to be shitting me". The next scene has a girl walking into a room WITH OUR HERO! The fuck happened in between being shitted on and walking into a room?! It's never fucking explained. I get that fast cuts keep the movie moving but bad editing makes one want the film to leap off a cliff.

2. Our hero has three facial expressions...dumb, dumber, and goddamn rock stupid motherfucker.

 

3. Demons are made of confetti, and when you shoot them, the magic just bursts out of them!

4. I counted Men in Black (why is your gun bigger than mine scene), Blade Trinity (the flying opening knife on a chain scene), and of course the Exorcist (The entire beginning sequence). When you think originality, you think of this film!

5. Check out this tidbit from their IMDB:

"The cast and crew brought Sage and did cleanses before each shoot."

 They should have been colonics, because this movie is full of shit.

6. My favorite part of this movie was when the main guy's love interest is possessed. Before this, everyone possessed were blown into glittery goodness. Not this girl. The hero and a priest chant to save her. When the demon goes into the priest, instead of being grateful the priest helped saved his girlfriend, he turns him into a glitter bomb. Bros before ho's you asshole!