A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

Director: David DeCoteau (under a pseudonym)

Stars: Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Eric Roberts' drunken voice

I don't care what anyone tells me, David DeCoteau may be the worst director working today.  It's disturbing to see someone flat out saying in their films "I don't give two fucks about this except for the money". Now there's nothing wrong with money, but show a little pride in your work, man!

My mini rant out of the way, I'll try to explain the plot here. For some unknown reason, Duffy the cat has shown up to get two families together. One family, a wealthy computer programmer with terrible hair and his son...the other, a shriveled up woman and her two annoying teenagers. Sounds pretty boring right?

But this cat can motherfucking TALK!

Of course he can only talk to a person once, which makes no sense whatsoever except to lower the already staggering special effects this film has. The talking cat mouth cost well over 400 grand.

I know this is a kid's movie, and it wasn't made for ME, but the only children that would get any enjoyment out of this are those in comas. 

Six Things I've Learned From A Talking Cat!?!

1.It's common practice for lower budgeted films to use celebrities that aren't used as often as they once were. This movie has one of the odder pairings in former child star Johnny Whitaker and former hottie porn star/actress Kristine DeBell. Don't get me wrong, they were fine (it's hard not to like Whitaker) but it made me think about other odd pairings I'd like to see. Maybe Erik Estrada and Pamela Sue Martin...or perhaps Jim Nabors and Traci Lords. Well GOOOOLLLYYY!

2. There is no human being with a working brain stem that can't tell that the guy playing Johnny Whitaker's son couldn't play a straight man even if Jerry Lewis was his partner.

3. Is there a reason why Eric Roberts sounds like he's doing his line readings over a cell phone? He slurs his lines so much that I got drunk listening to him.

4. These people are obsessed with cheese puffs. At one point, the movie gets centered around making cheese puffs. I thought about making a drinking game whenever anyone said "cheese puffs" (and it has to be at least 30 times) but then I realized that I'd have to watch this movie again. Let someone else suffer.

5. Why the fuck is there clown music playing over half this movie. Sure Vampire Cop had all sorts of inappropriate music, but this one has a real circus  theme going on. Next time I hear a slide whistle I'm going to burn a clown car. That's 60 clowns going down!

6. I know DeCoteau is gay, and I don't care about that. But at some point, you have to put aside your big gay fantasies of young men without their shirts on when it's a fucking children's movie. At least he didn't have them in tidy whiteys like he does in all his other films..and I do mean ALL his other films.