15 Underrated Villains #12: Maude Chalmers (Funeral Home)

Funeral Home is one of a series of great slasher films in the early 80's that came from our brethren up north in Canada. It's also the film that introduces us to our next underrated villain in Grandma Maude Chalmers.

The story is Heather comes to her Grandma's place to help her open a bed and breakfast. Now this place used to be a funeral home (hence the title), but honestly, outside of a few creepy locations, it's really not that important. Rumor has it that Maude's missing husband ran off with another woman after Maude had a nervous breakdown...but if that's so, why does Heather hear her talking to a cranky old man down in the cellar?

Before too long people start showing up at the bed and breakfast, and then start disappearing. Maude isn't too keen on some of the guests, including Mickey from Meatballs with his mistress, who looks like a community theater version of Adrienne Barbeau (without the boobs or looks).

Again, there's spoilers, but it's from 1980, so if you don't want spoilers from there, tough (I won't say who shot JR though). Turns out Maude's nervous breakdown turned into full fledged insanity because Heather finds out that Grandma is talking as herself AND her long dead husband (whom she killed). Now I talk to myself on occasions, but I've stopped just short of axe murdering people...well outside of Des Moines...but they had it coming.

Here's the scene that convinced me she belonged on this list. It's really creepy how insane she looks arguing with herself. I just hope she can look at herselves in the morning.

15 Underrated Villains #15: The Tall Man (Phantasm)

My first entry on this list is a bit of a strange case. A lot of people talk about how beloved the Tall Man is, and I agree he is. But while there's been four (soon to be five) Phantasm movies, outside of cult audiences, Tall Man doesn't get a lot of love.

I first heard about the Tall Man when I first got into horror movies in the late 80's. I would religiously buy Fangoria, and to their credit they pushed the hell out of him in their pages. I always saw him as the tier below the big group, along with the Leprechaun, Candyman, and someone else you'll be seeing on this list. There's nothing wrong with being slightly below guys like Leatherface obviously, but if someone wants to expand their horror knowledge, this is the guy to start with.

The Tall Man, to the best of my knowledge (and it does get a bit murky as the films get a bit more convoluted) is an inter-dimensional alien who steals people, makes them Jawa sized, and uses them as slaves. Now what occupation best serves that purpose? No, not carnival worker you asshole, but a mortician. Things seem to be going to plan for ol' Tally until he catches the attention of nosy kid Mike, who catches the Tall Man casually tossing a loaded coffin into a hearse single handed. Of course being a kid Mike has to investigate further, and ends up pissing the big guy off.

I admit I haven't seen part four (Oblivion), but the first and to a lesser extent the second film are really required viewing. It's very disorienting not knowing what's real and what isn't. A big part of what makes the Tall Man work is Angus Scrimm, who is absolutely terrifying in the role.

And now what you guys want to see...video footage of the Tall man. I thought this scene was a perfect example of why I put Tall man on the list. Nothing worse than seeing a giant angry looking alien casually stroll down the street.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die - The Top 5!

Here we are, the top five that I personally feel deserve the fates that God (and the screenwriters) gave to them. 

#5 - Mr. Alphonso The Creepy Fat Pedo from Alice Sweet Alice

This movie disturbs me. Maybe it's the rare sight of seeing a kid get killed in a horror film. maybe it's the sister of the dead kid, whom while actually over 18, would probably illicit the fantasies of many a sick child lovin bastard. 

Nah, it's Mr. Alphonso.

Looking an awful lot like a cross between Divine minus the makeup and Grimice from McDonalds, he just comes off as seriously unsettling. Having him surrounded by cute kittens doesn't help either.

#4 - TJ and Leelee (Really?) from Killer Nerd

You have to give me a moment here...I JUST found out that one of the character's names is Leelee. The hell kind of name is that!?

Okay, I'm better now. 

These two thugs harass and beat up our hero Harold Kunkle for no reason other than he's what the uncouth may call a "nerd". I see nothing wrong with being a nerd, but I do find something wrong with beating the shit out of a defenseless guy and making him refer to himself as a sissy boy. Harold agrees because he snaps and starts killing off everyone who has been mean to him...and I applaud it every step of the way.

Now mind you, I'm not advocating murder (despite making a list advocating that very thing), but sometimes a movie just has to tell the little guy that yeah, you can also strap sticks of dynamite to your enemies' heads and make em explode! 

God bless you Harold Kunkle.

#3 - That Bitchy Chris Hargensen from Carrie

I'm not talking about the remake...I feel they should only remake awful movies and try to get them right. Manos remake anyone? 

No, I'm talking about the 1976 classic. Chris and her group of bitchy mcbitches like to torment poor Carrie because she's naive and her mom is a raving religious nutjob. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine was fighting back against this asshole in high school who was already balding and telling him to meet me after school for a fight. He never showed. Yay me! For Carrie, it was when Chris and the dreamy John Travolta dump pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. Instead of fighting against male pattern baldness man like I did, she used her kinetic powers to murder everyone.

Is it overkill? Perhaps. But hey, they deserved it. I got issues, man.

Top 15 Horror characters That Deserve To Die #3... by alabastertnt

#2 - The Criminally Unfunny Howard from My Bloody Valentine

Well, here's the second My Bloody Valentine character that I felt needed to be on this list. I originally had him at number one, but he just wasn't as worthy as my real number one. 

Howard's the guy you have in your group that tries to be goofy and funny, but comes off as sad and pathetic. It's no shock that this type of character (see previous entry Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3) is always single. They think doing things like faking being killed and causing old ladies to nearly have heart attacks is a hoot. 

He also shows his true colors when the kids are in the mines and find out Harry Warden's on the loose down there. Does he stay and help protect the wimmin folk? Nope, the little bitch runs off into the darkness. He's not seen again until the group (or what's left of them) tries to climb the longest ladder in history to escape. Even then he's just..."hanging around".

Oh God, I may be this very cliche! HELP!

#1 - Kendall's Penis from Pieces

Now I'm aware that it may be a radical idea to put someone's anatomy at the top of a list of horror characters, but it makes sense. Let me explain.

Kendall is a man whore. With his nerdy grandpa sweaters, to his white man's afro, and his inability to fight worth a shit, it's easy to see why the ladies flock to him. But you see, Kendall is ruled by his penis (who does make an appearance in this film). Hopping around sticking himself in places he knows he won't commit to...that penis has broken a lot of hearts on campus.

The killer in Pieces was killing off lovely coeds for body parts in order to make himself a patchwork date. It stands to reason that some of the poor victims had also been victims to Kendall's raging hard on. So when Kendall reaches over to grab his coat, it's like his penis is taunting the pieces of his former conquests by waving himself in their "faces" so to speak. They react in the manner you'll see in this clip. Hell hath no fury like a dead woman puzzle scorned.

That's it for the countdown this year! I like to thank all of you for reading, suggesting, and being downright pleasant. I'm giving you all a treat next month as I have declared November as Awful Movie Month. 30 days of me torturing myself for your amusement! Happy Halloween!

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #13 - Shelly from Friday The 13th Part 3

#13 Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3 - Not the Third Wheel, the Flat Tire

I have to be honest, when several people mentioned they wanted to see Shelly on this list, I felt a little bad. Both Wednesday's Child and I have a bit of a soft spot for Shelly...my own reason being that I know what it's like to be the odd man out. It sucks, and some people react to it differently. But as I was reviewing the footage for the video below, it slowly started making sense WHY they demanded this character be included on this list. 

So let's look at the three strikes against Shelly...and no, his girly name isn't one of them.

His social skills. Well more accurately, his lack of social skills. So I get it, not a lot of people like you. I hate it because during high school, I wasn't exactly Mister Wonderful. Hell, I wasn't even Mister Mediocre. But one thing I did know was that people aren't going to like you better when you constantly scare the shit out of them. Hey, fake stabbing your buddy might be cool with him, but that hot blind date you were put into might not appreciate you falling out of the closet playing dead. That's more of a stomach churner than a panty moistener. I can't believe I even typed that.

He is a giant pansy. Being unattractive is one thing. I mean, it is a point against you to be a white man with an Epstein Welcome Back Kotter 'fro. It's another to have that 'fro and have the backbone of Horshack (who oddly enough, dies in a later Jason flick). Sure he gets a minor victory over some jerkoff bikers, but notice he has to be behind  a big moving piece of metal in order to get that courage. Way to impress Jean Claude Van Dumbass.

He's a horrible friend. Not only does he fuck up his blind date by being whiny and needy, not only does he causes tons of damage to his friend's car on purpose, but the one thing...the thing that made me want to see him croak is this...

He juggles.

Who the fuck passes the time juggling!? And in front of a live stoned audience. This ain't no circus de soleil moon frye...it's fucking Camp Crystal Lake, motherfucker! It was that point that I want him disemboweled. That doesn't happen, but there is a pretty neat boy who cries wolf moment when one lady doesn't fall for his fake death prank...only it's not fake this time.

Shelly may be a wimp, an anti social juggling asshole, a destroyer of friend's cars, and an all around unfunny prankster, but he DID give us one thing that we can all thank him for...the Hockey Mask. Thanks for that you useless ass.

Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die... by alabastertnt

Little note here, seems Paramount didn't like me having this series of clips up on youtube so I changed it to Dailymotion (and if that's taken down somewhere else). I just am amused that Paramount and Friday the 13th would want to be associated with Jeff Katz, but not with me. Oh well.