Wednesday, October 23, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #10 - #6

As usual, I found myself running out of time when doing a Halloween list, so we'll split the top ten into two posts. Let's get with the killings!

#10 - Overgrown Fat Man-Child Walter from Memorial Valley Massacre

I don't know about you guys, but if there was a huge line of people waiting to go camping and I was in it, I would look over my priorities to see where I went horribly wrong. Have to be honest, I haven't even seen the whole movie but this one character immediately stood out in a cast filled with repugnant people.

Fat Man-Child Walter wants to fuck up the eco system by riding his shitty 3 wheeler around the forrest. the "good guys" takes his keys and doing his best Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure impression, tries to get mommy and daddy to get em no avail. So what does he do? Why he breaks in and steals the keys back (also stealing a gold watch as well)! 

So Fat Man-Child Walter is driving along, ruining picnics and basically being a fat bastard when he seemingly scares a fucking caveman. Yup, a caveman. The caveman is either pissed off or scared (can't tell with the billy bob teeth in) and he helps the audience by taking the fat fuck out.

Quick question...why do movies insist on making these obese characters wear the shortest of shorts? Who jerking off to that?

#9 - Richard Vickers from Creepshow

It takes a hell of an actor to make me want to root FOR Ted Danson, but Leslie Nielsen did it. I admit that finding out your wife is sleeping around will piss you off, and you have every right to beat the hell out of the guy who is boning her, but Vickers here takes it too far with the sadistic (yet imaginative) burying them up to their necks in the sand while they drown deaths. Of course being Creepshow, he couldn't just get away with such dastardly actions. The undead aquatic couple return and give ol' Vickers a taste of his own medicine.

I don't care for anthologies, but Creepshow is one of the best, and this one may be my favorite of the five stories. Nielsen was such an underrated actor because of his later comedy roles, but man he could play a mean asshole.


#8 - Happy the Bartender from My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine is my favorite Canadian slasher film. Hands down. It's also the only movie that makes it on this list twice. Let's view the lesser of two annoying dickheads.

Happy the Bartender is just a miserable fuck. I'm sure Happy's not his real name, most likely one of those nicknames that people give to other people that mean the exact opposite. That means I'd be calling the guy at #10 on the list Slim.

Happy warns the kids about Harry Warden, but they're in their late teens - early twenties and think they know it all, so they laugh him off. Happy ain't happy no more. So Happy decides to play a prank on the young horny miners (as opposed to minors). He's waaaay too proud of his lame gag of "Harry Warden" popping out of the door, because he tests the prank over and over, giggling like a japanese schoolgirl selling her panties to an overweight balding 40 something businessman. He starts walking away but has to open the door ONE MORE TIME...and dies. Now you'll never know how the joke went, asshole.

I'm showing the uncut death because Happy deserves it.

#7 - Maddy from Blood Rage

I REALLY don't like Louise Lasser. I think she's a real nutbag. Tha being said, I also think she's a good actress when she wants to be. This movie shows off her skills of playing an insane woman who has two sons, one a psychopathic killer, and the other in the nuthouse because of his psycho twin.

All through the movie, she wallows around, drinking, sitting on the floor and eating out of the fridge (and who hasn't done that?) and despite evidence to the contrary, still thinks the wrong one is the "good son". 

The ending of the movie is that Maddy kills the evil son by shooting him a number of times. She then consoles the good son and tells him she's the reason she's living. Well surprise surprise, she shot her favorite (the evil one), so the old nutbag puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger, making it the only good thing that's gone into her brain. Lord knows I've wanted to do that watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

#6 - Tim from Trick or Treat

I hate me some high school bullies. I had a fat dumbass redneck who used to torture me in high school by calling me gay (he used a much more offensive word) because my best friend was male. Seriously, that's how stupid he was (probably still is). So there's a bit of pleasure I get from seeing the school bully get what's coming to him....and boy does our #6 get it.

Tim is the popular jock. His main studies seem to be to pick on the heavy metal kid Eddie. Side note: I was also one of those headbanging kids, just not into leather. Made my ass look big. 

So what puts Tim onto this list is because of what he does at a pool party. Eddie shows up because a pretty girl asks him to go. Not trying to set him up, she's just a nice person. But she's late so when Eddie shows up, there's Tim and his towel to ass buddies, who decide to make Eddie leave. Before Eddie is dragged out, Tim puts a weight in Eddie's backpack and throws him into the pool. 

I don't care if it was the 80's, that's some attempted murder shit right there.

So Eddie gets a little revenge when a tape he made melts helf the face of Tim's girl. Tim wisely tells Eddie to leave him the fuck alone. If he had kept to that, he would have been the only smart bully I've seen in a film. But he's not. After shit goes down and Sammi Curr's ghost starts killing off the kids at a dance, Eddie tries to stop Sammi. Spotting Tim in the hallway, he tries to get Tim to leave because of the danger, only to get pushed down. That's when Sammi strikes and for lack of a descriptive term, electrocutes Tim until his head explodes.

I've been  doing the backwards masking bit to raise a dead rock star to take out my childhood bully, but the only person I seem to get is Tiny Tim. And he won't leave.

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