Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Director: Nick Millard

Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.

- I REALLY HATE NICK MILLARD. YOU SUCK AT FILM MAKING!

Iced (1988)

Iced (1988)

Director:  Jeff Kwitny

Stars: Lisa Loring, Debra De Liso, Doug Stevenson

Jeff, who is head over heels in love with some girl ends up dying in a skiing accident. Four or five years later, the girl, her husband and their friends all show up at this cabin to reunite. But wait! Somebody is killing off these fine folks! Has the deceased Jeff returned...or has somebody else decided to take revenge for him? I think you can figure it out on your own.

This isn't a bad movie by any stretch, just one riddled with plotholes. After Eddie, the Freddy Mercury lookalike is killed, he calls his girlfriend Jeanette (Lisa Loring) and tells her he's with Jeff, who is of course dead. Maybe it's a tiny spoiler, but the killer is IN the same room so how did they pull this off and who was doing Eddie's voice? Don't bother finding out cause it's never explained.

It's a typical slasher film with some real unlikable characters. It's nothing groundbreaking, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Plus, hey, at least I got to see Wednesday Addams all grown up and nude in a hot tub. Had to overlook the big hair, but otherwise that was quite enjoyable for me. Thumbs up.

Six Things I've Learned from Iced 

1. The final girl here has a terrible disorder. Whenever she steps foot into a kitchen, she is compelled to do exercises. She does cook a mean steak in the rec room though.

2. If you want to impress a girl, skiing off a small cliff chest first into some rocks might make a better plan B.

3. If you must do cocaine, it's always best to do it buck ass naked.

4. There is very little gore in this movie, but at least the killer is creative with his methods. Icicles, the old heater in a hot tub and a ski in neckonomy are all in his bag of tricks.

5. It's bad manners to make out with your realtor in front of your friends. Wait until at least three of your friends have left the room first.

6. The twist within a twist is perhaps one of the most laughably insane things I've seen. After the killer is dispatched (won't reveal who it is, but it ain't hard to figure out) we cut to "five years later". Our happy final couple are enjoying some time in the woods with their two children building the worst snowman I've ever seen. Trina, our final girl, puts on the last coal eye, which then starts to bleed. Then suddenly, our killer bursts out of the snowman. Five years later. After getting shot in the face. Hiding in some kids' shitty snowman. That is one dedicated killer.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #13 - Shelly from Friday The 13th Part 3

#13 Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3 - Not the Third Wheel, the Flat Tire

I have to be honest, when several people mentioned they wanted to see Shelly on this list, I felt a little bad. Both Wednesday's Child and I have a bit of a soft spot for Shelly...my own reason being that I know what it's like to be the odd man out. It sucks, and some people react to it differently. But as I was reviewing the footage for the video below, it slowly started making sense WHY they demanded this character be included on this list. 

So let's look at the three strikes against Shelly...and no, his girly name isn't one of them.

His social skills. Well more accurately, his lack of social skills. So I get it, not a lot of people like you. I hate it because during high school, I wasn't exactly Mister Wonderful. Hell, I wasn't even Mister Mediocre. But one thing I did know was that people aren't going to like you better when you constantly scare the shit out of them. Hey, fake stabbing your buddy might be cool with him, but that hot blind date you were put into might not appreciate you falling out of the closet playing dead. That's more of a stomach churner than a panty moistener. I can't believe I even typed that.

He is a giant pansy. Being unattractive is one thing. I mean, it is a point against you to be a white man with an Epstein Welcome Back Kotter 'fro. It's another to have that 'fro and have the backbone of Horshack (who oddly enough, dies in a later Jason flick). Sure he gets a minor victory over some jerkoff bikers, but notice he has to be behind  a big moving piece of metal in order to get that courage. Way to impress Jean Claude Van Dumbass.

He's a horrible friend. Not only does he fuck up his blind date by being whiny and needy, not only does he causes tons of damage to his friend's car on purpose, but the one thing...the thing that made me want to see him croak is this...

He juggles.

Who the fuck passes the time juggling!? And in front of a live stoned audience. This ain't no circus de soleil moon frye...it's fucking Camp Crystal Lake, motherfucker! It was that point that I want him disemboweled. That doesn't happen, but there is a pretty neat boy who cries wolf moment when one lady doesn't fall for his fake death prank...only it's not fake this time.

Shelly may be a wimp, an anti social juggling asshole, a destroyer of friend's cars, and an all around unfunny prankster, but he DID give us one thing that we can all thank him for...the Hockey Mask. Thanks for that you useless ass.

Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die... by alabastertnt

Little note here, seems Paramount didn't like me having this series of clips up on youtube so I changed it to Dailymotion (and if that's taken down somewhere else). I just am amused that Paramount and Friday the 13th would want to be associated with Jeff Katz, but not with me. Oh well.

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Director: James Shyman

Stars: Bobby Johnston, Francine Lapensée, Joe Balogh

In slasher films, there must be three things in it for it to be a good slasher...cool kills and nudity. You can sacrifice one of these two and maybe come out with something passable, but take them both out and you have Hollywood's New Blood.

A bunch of terrible actors are at some acting seminar in a cabin in the woods. A big mulleted, stiff as a board Brawny Man (minus the porn stach) named Brad tells the story of how the wrong building was rigged up for a movie scene and accidentally blew up the place this cabin is now standing on. It killed everyone except three brothers who are out wandering the woods with greasepaint on their faces and murder in their hearts. 

People start dying off, but any chance of having any cool deaths are shattered when you realize that they ALWAYS CUT TO A REACTION SHOT WHEN THE KILLING STARTS! I'm sure it's because the filmmakers were too stupid to know how to do the simplest of tasks, but can you at least SHOW the fucking knife going into the victim. It ruins my enjoyment of their deaths.

Six Things I've Learned From Hollywood's New Blood

1. I find it funny that the movie takes place during an acting seminar, when it's clear that none of the people in this movie actually know how to act. Very meta.

2. Some of the worst screaming comes from this movie. In one scene our morons thinks one of their friends are getting killed only to see her in the throes of passion...which for this movie is two jackasses under a cover. So when she screams for real, everyone thinks she's playing with her boyfriend's donkey kong. A better scream would have stopped that. I wonder if they make those nose opening strips for throats?

3. This movie clocks in at an hour and 17 minutes, but feels like it's as long as watching all three extended versions of Lord of the Rings. The last 14 minutes of this movie is nothing but credits and an extended recap of EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW! There's so much padding in this movie that they can put it in the walls of the nuthouse suite I'll be staying at because of this shitheap!

4. The acting coach's method is to "take a break". Things getting heated ...take a break. Cue cards not high enough to read? Take a break. Getting murdered by ugly grease painted hillbillies? I'll be in the break room.

5. I get that this is yet in another looooong line of people in the woods getting slaughtered movie,and that's fine, but if you're going to film the woods, at least realize the differences between the sounds of crickets chirping or bullfrogs croaking, and the goddamn rain forest that you decided to insert instead. There ain't no damn monkeys in them woods!

6. I will give this movie one tiny piece of credit. The way the final bad guy gets his may just be one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways to die  I have ever seen. Brawny Man shoves the skull of the bad guy's mother into the bad guy's face and...well look for yourself...

Bloodstream (1985)

Bloodstream (1985)

Director: Michael J. Murphy

Stars:  Patrick Olliver, Jacqueline Logan, Mark Wells

I love getting a hold of rare movies. For the most part, there's a pretty damn good reason why they are considered rare, but it's the thrill of the hunt that I enjoy. I started out with more well known stuff like Death Bed and 555, but as time goes on, I'm getting weirder and weirder stuff. 

My last review, Black River Monster, has an IMDB listing but no actors listed. Bloodstream however, has no IMDB listing. I know it's not hard to get one considering all the porn and wrestling pay per views that get listed on there. Hell, I even have an IMDB listing. So of course I had to see what the mystery was about this movie.

This super 8mm film out of England is one of those typical slasher films, with the killer in some kooky costume. The story is this director makes a bad horror film that the distributor doesn't like. The director gets fired and he sits at home watching more bad movies. But wait! Turns out the distributor is a right bastard because he goes ahead and releases the film. So his scheme was:

1. Fund film

2. Fire Director

3. Release film

4. Profit!

At least he had a full plan of action there.

So the receptionist, with pounds notes in her eyes, tells the director about it and convinces the poor dope to start offing everyone close to the distributor. Oh, and because he's arty, he has to film it as well.

There's some nudity in there, and the gore is pretty good for the obviously low budget this film had. It drags because of all the video watching, but otherwise an enjoyable film.

Six Things I've Learned From Bloodstream

1. Horror movie rule #41: If you've had a hand in ruining someone's life, do NOT by any means, start bench pressing weights at random times of the day. The weights will be used against you in a negative manner. Just consider it a cheat day...a cheating death day.

2. You know you're in a first class distributor's office when the walls are lined with random people's headshots.

3. The sleazy distributor looks an awful lot like the Master from Manos. If he had better help taking care of the place, that crazy director wouldn't have broken into it so easily.

4. You ever wanted to see how this director would have handled other kinds of films? This movie is like a personal demo reel for the real director. There's a Mad Max clone, an Exorcist clone, and more. My favorite is the movie within the movie about a guy getting boarded up in the flimsiest made wooden jail like structure so he won't get out when he turns into a ridiculous werewolf. The werewolf costume is so bad Spencer's gifts wouldn't sell it half off. SPOILER: He gets out.

5. I really hope "Awaken Zombie" "Return of Lucifer" and "Cobra Kill!" are real movies.

6. If your ultimate plan to get money is to make some poor dope a serial killer, don't be so damn surprised when you find out he starts to really enjoy it. Chastising him on his evidence disposal methods will not lead to anything good for you health wise. 

"I didn't see this coming!"

The Nostril Picker (1993)

The Nostril Picker (1993) 

Director: Mark Nowicki 

Stars: Carl Zschering, Edward Tanner 

Loner turns into a girl to lure and kill other girls. He also picks his nose a lot. 

SixThings I Learned from The Nostril Picker: 

1. Being a nostril picker is classier than being a nose picker. 

2. Morphal Synthesis can make you change into anybody by chanting a tune. What about nose picking? 

3. Poor people eat dog food. 

4. Stalkers use black magic to change their looks and become friends with their prey. 

5. Girls don’t scream when you cut their fingers off. 

6. If Siskel & Ebert hate a movie, it must be good!

Camp Blood (1999)

Camp Blood (1999) 

Director: Brad Sykes 

Stars: Jennifer Ritchkoff, Michael Taylor, Tim Young, Betheny Zolt 

Out and about on a camping trip in the woods without a care in the world, four campers found themselves in an unknown world. With the death of their guide and at the mercy of a cold blooded killer, the trip of fun in the sun soon took a wrong turn. With friends slowly disappearing, so does the chance of getting out alive. 

Six Things I Learned from Camp Blood 

1. Bird watching leads to murder. 

 2. Those who make moonshine scare people away from their site with killer clown stories. 

3. Sandals are perfect footwear for a hike through the woods. 

4. Pretty people don’t know how to pitch a tent. 

5. Serial killers aren’t good boxers. 

6. You can enter a car by being run over by it.

555 (1988)

555 (!988)

Director: Wally Koz

Stars: Ricardo Alverez, Mara Lynn Bastian,  Greg Kerouac

A crazy bastard dressed as a 60's hippy is out killing badly acting nude couples while the angry cops bitch about it and harass some old guy. Throw in a saggy snooping female reporter willing to do anything to get the scoop (ugh) and you got yourself the makings of a shot on video classick. 

Six Things I've Learned From 555

1. Ed Wood Tips #34: With random diplomas, a desk, and a small couch, any room can become a police station! Just add cops.

2.  OK, how fucking hard is it to find someone dressed like a 60's hippy in the late 1980's? Was there suddenly a trend of looking like you stepped off an episode of The Wonder Years?

3. Tired of having a sex drive? Be sure to watch the butt ugly reporter whip out her titty and letting some old guy suck on it. It's boner reducing magic!

4. One positive thing about this film is that the decapitation scene is pretty well done. Not real believable but still well done.

5. These guys may be the angriest cops on the face of the earth. Even Dirty Harry would be like "whoa bald guy, let's dial it down a notch".

6. If you make a movie this bad, only your family is stupid enough to help you make it. For shame Koz family.

Night of the Dribbler (1990)

Night of the Dribbler (1990) 

Director: Jack Bravman 

Stars: Fred Travalena, Gregory Calpakis, Flavia Carrozzi 

The Watergate Plumbers, a poorly-performing college basketball team, lose their best players one by one to death and dismemberment at the hands of a mysterious masked stalker. 

Six Things Learned from Night of the Dribbler 

1. Heads make for good basketball substitutes. 

2. Elvis impersonators moonlight as basketball players. 

3. Your coach is the next best thing to your father. 

4. Hypnosis can help you with your basketball skills. 

5. Basketballs can double as bombs. 

6. Science professors hate basketball.

Fatal Games VHS Artwork

In the Olympic sport of dying horribly, The United States captured the gold medal. USA! USA! We're number dead!

Bloody Birthday (1981)

Bloody Birthday (1981) 

Director: Ed Hunt 

Stars: Lori Lethin, Melinda Cordell, Julie Brown 

Lacking consciences because they were born during a solar eclipse, a trio of 10-year-olds embark on an indiscriminate killing spree. 

Six Things I Learned from Bloody Birthday: 

1. Babies born during the eclipse are evil. 

2. Graves are the best place to have sex. They’re designed for stiffs, after all. 

3. It’s worth shooting someone over a hiding spot. 

4. Guns don’t kill people. Evil eclipse children do! 

5. Ant poison makes for a good cake topping. 

6. Choking someone with a rubber hose is better than beating them with it.

Slaughter High (1986)

Slaughter High (1986)

Dirctor(s): Peter Litten, Mark Ezra, and George Dugdale

Stars: Caroline Munro, Gary Martin, Simon Scuddamore

Eight douchebags humilate some poor dope on April Fools and end up getting half his face burnt off. He comes back for revenge five years later. I saw way too much of that dude's balls.

Six Things I've Learned From Slaughter High:

1. If your high school reunion is at an abandoned locked up high school, just go to an Applebee's instead.

2. No matter how hot you are, no one is going to buy you as a high school student at 37 years old.

3. British actors are almost as bad at doing American accents as American actors are at doing British ones. Almost.

4. When a serial killer is on the loose, it's never a good idea to take off all your clothes and sit in a bathtub. Why there's a bathtub in a high school I still don't know.

5. Picking the same shower stall you used to humiliate the serial killer 5 years earlier is the same as wearing a giant neon sign that reads "HEY KILL ME!!"

6. If you stay alive until noon, serial killers have to leave you alone. Union rules.