Night of the Demon (1980)

Night of the Demon (1980)

Director: James C. Wasson

Stars: Michael Cutt, Joy Allen, Bigfoot

  I have always wanted to see this film simply for the fact that I personally think that Bigfoot is a gentle creature who merely wants to be left alone. I mean, when that car hit him in Harry and the Hendersons, he didn't get angry, he just hung out with them and taught them the value of family. Sure, he got angry in those beef sticks commercials, but wouldn't you be angry if hipster douchebags kept fucking with you? I know if I had the strength of ten men, I'd be field goal kicking some bespectacled dick right in his freshly shaved asshole. 

  Don't ask me how I know that. 

  So the story here takes place in a hospital, where a badly dressed detective is interviewing a professor whose face has been horribly disfigured (which he covers up with a mask). He tells what happened in the first of many flashbacks. The professor and a group of similarly aged students go out into the remote woods to see if they can get proof of the existence of Bigfoot. I'm not sure what proof they were planning to get or how they were going to get it, because due to flashbacks within flashbacks we find out that Bigfoot has been killin' folks left and right. Wait...killin' folks!? Nah, not Bigfoot. It has to be someone dressed like him.

  The Scooby gang goes into town, where they find out about a crazy girl living alone in the woods who went crazy because she had a deformed baby and it died. See, she's probably the killer. Story over. Time to go...wait, why is the sheriff watching them with disdain in his eyes?

  Turns out the gang runs into a cult of Bigfoot worshipers, who have the crazy lady lying down ready for some hillbilly lovin' before the professor chases them away. OK, THERE'S the real killers. I better cut this off now.

  Only they aren't the killers. In fact, they are never seen again. What the fuck movie!?  The gang finally track down Crazy Mary (not her real name) and they find her special dead baby room. Not creepy at all. The professor hypnotizes her and they find out that her crazy hillbilly cult leadin' dad was the one who killed her baby. Why you may ask? Well...she tries to run away from daddy dearest when she's raped by Bigfoot. 

  Yes, Bigfoot raped this woman right in her own front yard. With her daddy watching no less. As thanks for killing the half human/half furball baby, "Crazy Mary" here burns ol' pappy poopdeck alive.

SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM MADE IN 1980!!

  The final minutes of this film is Bigfoot wanting to see his girl again, so does he stand outside her home with a boombox in his hand? No, he murders the college students horribly, and slams the professor's face into a hot stove.

  We come back to the professor and the doctor wisely puts him to sleep. Another doctor declares the professor criminally insane although there are no murder victims to be found. We end depressed.

  I really thought Bigfoot was a loving gentle creature of nature, but check out this scorecard:

- Tears a guy's arm off

- Rips some biker's dick off!!

- Drags a naked guy out of a van, and presumably fucks him to death on top of the van (that's alright with him)

- Makes two girl scouts stab each other repeatedly with knives!

- Swings a guy in a sleeping bag over his head and onto a pointy branch (Top THAT Vorhees)

- Pitchfork to the back

- Stove to the face

- Slams a guy's head into a tree causing the guy to shoot himself in the head!

- Rapes a mountain woman!!

  Bigfoot, you ARE a giant hairy asshole!!

  Here's a very NSFW trailer for Night of the Demon. There is biker penis seen, and no, Bigfoot ain't working at no rest stop.

 

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Director: Michael Cooney

Stars: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Scott MacDonald

So you thought the shower raping killer snowman was gone? WRONG! It seems the goverment can't leave shit well enough alone and dig up the antifreeze containing our watery villain. Some dipshit spills coffe on him and for some fucking reason, he returns to kill.

The Sheriff from the first movie is going on vacation with his wife, his pal Joe, and his annoying to the 13th degree soon to be wife. They arrive at a tropical island but having loser radar, ol' Jack finds his way to the island as well.

I have to admit something...I've never seen the first Jack Frost. It's not that I've never had the chance...it's just I try to avoid movies that everyone else gush on about (even for how bad it is). I mean, yeah, I liked the Room but Birdemic was a boring piece of shit and was hard to sit through even with the Rifftrax commentary. So when I saw the trailer for this on youtube, I thought "why the hell not". Then I thought "I wonder if I'm the only person who enjoys Bac-os on their own". Then my wife tells me to shut up because I've been saying that shit out loud instead of thinking.

Six Things I've Learned from Jack Frost 2

1. If you work at a place where the owner wears a safai suit 24/7, the security guy looks like a chubby Snake Plisken, and your coworker is Captain Fun, I'd look for the nearest icicle to impale myself on.

2. I have to reluctantly admit, this is a pretty fun movie. It doesn't take itself seriously, and it doesn't beat you over the head with jokes aimed at people with the IQ of a 3 week dead squid. The ice cube to the nipples scene is a real highlight for horror comedy that actually works.

3. I'm always amused when there are nude scenes in a film and they go out of their way to cut out any of the lower nudity. I'm sure it's because the actress doesn't want her golden vagina to be on display, but I like to imagine that the director was morally against showing it. " Bare breasts are fine, but I will NOT sully the good name of Jack Frost with the showing of baby incubators!"

4. I could tell this was set at Christmas because when the resort bus unloaded, I counted four main morons, three dumb bimbos, two stupid jocks, and a gay man stereotype.

5. Dear God was seeing Captain Fun get an icicle in the face one of life's simple pleasures. I rewound and watched that scene a good 15-20 times. I...have issues.

6. On a tragically sad but morbidly funny note, star Christopher Allport was killed in 2008...by an avalanche. Yes, lots of snow. I'm not always the best judge of it, but I "think" that might go in the irony files.

The Beyond (1981)

The Beyond (1981)
Director: Lucio Fulci
Stars: Catriona Maccoll, David Warbeck, Al Cliver

Liza inherits a New Orleans hotel from a mysterious uncle and begins working to get the place open. However, strange and increasingly grisly things keep happening, starting with a worker who falls off a scaffold after seeing a pair of eyes looking out at him from an upstairs window. The occurrences center around room 36, which coincidentally was the room of a painter/warlock who was murdered in the hotel many years ago by superstitious swamp folk because he was trying to open a portal to hell. Those jerks! Liza can't sell the hotel, because she's broke and this is her last chance. With the help of a friendly doctor, can she solve the mystery of the Seven Doors Hotel before the world ends?

SEVEN things I've learned by watching The Beyond

1. If you inherit a property, and find two people already employed there who you immediately distrust, FIRE THEM! Fire the hell out of them. You're the $#%*&@! boss, after all.

2. If you are picking up brain waves while doing an EEG on a person who has been dead for years, you're probably looking at the beginning of a zombie outbreak.

3. Do not climb ladders or scaffolds if you are easily startled.

4. Do not pick up weird ladies who hang around on bridges. In most cases you're only risking an STD, but you could get lucky and facilitate the opening of a gate to hell.

5. Do not entry.

6.  Sometimes it's best to just lie back and let art flow over you. It is not best to lie back and let acid flow over you.

7. Eyes? Where we're going we don't need eyes!