Cult Conversations - Dependables Part 2!

On our new show, Dan and Erin adds the final members to their Dependables team. Some of the choices may surprise you.

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Exterminator 2 (1984)

Exterminator 2 (1984)

Director: Mark Buntzman

Stars: Robert Ginty, Mario Van Peebles, Deborah Geffner

John Eastland hates the same things we all hate....traffic, stepping in dog poop, and stylishly dressed thugs terrorizing the city. But while most of us just bitch about it or write letters to our local papers, Johnny boy is taking action. By action, I mean he's burning bad guys alive with a blowtorch. Can't argue with the success rate though.

In this sequel to the popular Exterminator, Eastland is still hanging out in the city, going to see wanna be Broadway dancers shake their ta-ta's at a dance joint, and cruising the streets with his old buddy in a garbage truck. An idealic life for sure...but Johnny has a way of fucking shit up.

A botch robbery results in an old dead couple. That don't sit well with the exterminator, who proceeds to bar-b-que a couple of the baddies who did it.  This brings him to the attention of X (Van Peebles), who is not amused. He's even more pissed when his brother gets roasted like a smore while the gang plays "dismember the cop on the train tracks". X rages war on the city, and on the Exterminator himself.

There's drug dealing, face melting, boobs swaying, and Robert Ginty attempting to act, despite every fiber in his being telling him not to.

Things I've Learned/Things To Watch Out For

- Look for a young looking Irwin Keyes and Arye Gross in roles as X's minions. Yes, Arye Gross. I'm not intimidated either.

- Robert Ginty has two faces....confused and even more confused.

-This movie has taught me to never trust breakdancers again. They'll only get you paralyzed. Spinning bastards.

- You might think you're being smart by tailing Johnny's trash truck of death, but it's gonna backfire. Oh boy does it ever.

- Enjoy the montage of Johnny adding various weapons to the garbage truck, cut with shots of a thug stuck inside the garbage truck eating spoiled food. It works better than I thought.

-The music here is very good...reminding me of various Italian horror synth scores. However, they must have only paid the guy to create one song, because it is used over and over and over and over again. I do like how he changes the tempo to make it either a heart stopping action score or a tender "let's have sex " score.

- Look, just because you get paralyzed by some thugs doesn't mean you blame your boyfriend for it....even though that's who they were targeting...and you were seen in the garbage truck with him...and he killed the main bad guy's brother. You know what, it IS his damn fault. What a terrible boyfriend.

- Ever notice how thugs in these movies are always stylishly dressed? If these were real thugs, they'd be wearing hand me downs and smell awful. But who wants to see someone get mugged by a guy wearing a "Carter in '80" shirt with holes in it?

Revolt (1986)

Revolt (1986)

Director: J. Shaybany

Stars: Rand Martin, Fattaneh, Guest Star Sepehrnia 

In our second special audio review, We look at a movie so terrible, IMDb refuses to have it on it's site.

Check out this "awesome" fighting clip from Revolt! 

Fist Fighter (1989)

Fist Fighter (1989)

Director: Frank Zuniga

Stars: Jorge "George" Rivero, Edward Albert, Brenda Bakke

CJ Thunderbird, which is either the coolest name in the world or an extremely cheap brand of malt liquor, travels to South America to fight a champion bare knuckles fighter named Rhino. Why you might ask? Let's test your action movie knowledge.

A. To avenge the death of his friend

B. Because Rhino raped and killed one of Thunderbird's relatives

C. Bitch owed him like ten bucks

D. Because he was infringing on CJ's titty bouncing copyright

While choice B is a pretty good staple of the genre, the right answer is A. Those of you that chose D make me ashamed. My head is slowly turning from side to side in disapproval as I type. I better stop cause this is making it hard to type.

So Rhino is there in South America, managed by the town's resident Brad Wesley, Billy Vance (played here by a post Mannix Mike Connors). After CJ starts whipping Rhino's ass, Vance has the police stop the fight. Thunderbird, not backing down or emoting in the least, is helped out by Punchy (Albert), an ex boxer/currently con man with one leg to stand on, and Ellen (Bakke) playing the Kelly Lynch role...which means she's gonna get some Thunderbird in her. I made myself a little ill typing that.

Vance knows that Rhino can't beat Thunderbird, so he arranges for CJ to be put in prison. There he becomes friends with his gay cellmate (we know he is gay by his bright pink outfit), fight a big ol' hairy mutant of a prisoner called the Beast (in a cage match no less), and catches the attention of the prison warden, who hates Vance.

Will CJ Thunderbird go on to finally avenge the death of his friend who we never get any sort of information about? Well of course he will...you'd have to have an IQ of four to not realize that.

Six Things I've Learned from Fist Fighter

1. Vance, Rhino, and the corrupt police captain are always seen hanging out together. I bet there were some wacky adventures going on with those guys while we watched Thunderbird and Punchy (a great TV show title by the way) train. I bet they went out and did karaoke a lot. I wonder what Rhino sang. I bet it was Hungry Eyes.

2. I'm not sure whose boobs are bigger...Bakke's or Jorge Rivero's. Both pretty hot.

3. If you want to help your best friend find out his enemy's weakness, going out and getting the ever loving shit beat out of you until you die days later is probably not the best way to go about it. Hire someone and get them to write you a report with their good hand instead. Smart AND safe.

4. This:

5. There's a great scene at the beginning where Thunderbird takes on Superstar Billy Graham (the steroid-ed wrestler, not the steroid-ed preacher) in an arm wrestling contest and beats him. The bro code states in section 12 paragraph 8 that "if one man is beaten by another man fairly in a competitive event, the loser must gather as many of his out of shape buddies to get their asses kicked by the winner as well". Hey, it's in the rules.

6. Jorge Rivero is awesome. Most of you know him best as Uri, the hairstyle changing bastard from that awful movie Werewolf. Here he plays a hero so stoic, I was afraid he'd end up outside of a souvenir  store in Phoenix. He reacts the same way for EVERYTHING. Friend dies? Stoic. Having sex? Stoic. Stuck in prison in a tiny solitary confinement box? Mother fucking stoic to the max. I hope to review Conquest, his Fulci directed sword and sorcery epic, soon.

Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.

POW Deathcamp VHS Cover

As disturbing as the guy with no hands at the bottom showing off his stubs is, it's nothing compared to those poor guys caught in what appears to be the line of ass fire from Triggerhappy there. Those who hasn't dealt it, still felt it.

Last Man Standing VHS Cover

Watch out fighting shirtless men! That giant dude is gonna sneeze on you!

The Tomb VHS Cover

Indiana Rambo and the Temple of Sybil Danning.

Viva Kinevel! (1977)

Viva Kinevel! (1977)

Director: Gordon Douglas

Stars: Evel Kinevel, Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton

Wow. In the 70's, when people were going nuts over people doing stupid shit like jumping over flaming sharks covered in barbed wire on a unicycle, the king was undoubtedly Robert "Evel" Knievel.  Unfortunately, Kinevel wasn't exactly the most family friendly person around, so I guess his PR guys decided to help his image by portraying him as a sweet kid loving guy. Of course, Kinevel really has no personality so they threw away a lot of money to get stars like Gene Kelly, Red Buttons, Lauren Hutton, and even Leslie Nielson to throw their dignity into the trashcan. Explains why Kelly did Xanadu after this.. 

The plot, as ridiculous as it is, involves a drug pusher (Nielson) paying Kinevel a lot of money to do some shows in Mexico. What Kinevel doesn't know (besides how to act) is that they plan to kill him and use his jumpsuited corpse to smuggle drugs into the country. I'm not kidding. With him is Gene Kelly as his drunk sidekick and Lauren Hutton as a photographer/love interest who apparently is paid to hang out with Kinevel. 

This movie is so awful. AWFUL.

Six Things I've Learned from Viva Kinevel!

1. No matter how much acting talent they put around him, the only expression Evel can pull off is confusion. He also makes any nice thing he does comes off like he wants to punch babies in the face.

2.  What magazine was Hutton working for that she needed to take shots of Kinevel's "last" jump? Dismembered Weekly? RIP Today?

3. By no means do you attempt to make Mexico look any different than the US as far as locations go. Just throw some Mexican banners around and nobody will know that you used the same f'in stadium twice. Well...it might have worked if they didn't use Frank Gifford (in his same outfit) for BOTH stadium jumps.

4. Evel enjoys making his drunk buddies hang out with their wimpy kids. It's a little game he plays.

5. I've always dreamed of the day that a celebrity would violently wake me up at 2am to give me some shitty toys of theirs. It almost happened, but turned out Mickey Rooney was just beating me up for the twenty bucks I owed him.

6. If you know your buddy is going to die  when his bike explodes, it's probably not a good idea to knock him out and do the jump yourself. Maybe just telling the guy would have worked out better. I dunno though...I'm not jumping over shit.

Omega Cop VHS Artwork

"Alright guys, you go into that crime ridden city back there and look out for trouble. Me, I'm staying here in this vast post nuclear desert to read nudie magazines keep an eye out for trouble. I'll be fine alone...just me and my copy of giant juggs my shotgun.