Avalon (1989)

Avalon (1989)

Director: Michael J. Murphy

Stars: Rob Bartlett, Abigail Blackmore, Patrick Oliver

It's been a while since I've done a review, so I went into my vast collection of films to pick something suitable. My eye was caught by Avalon, a low budget sword and sorcery flick that has a lot of ties to the King Arthur legend...sort of. 

While I was watching, I kept noticing how familiar Merlin looked, until it dawned on me that this was the same guy who played the killer in one of my most popular reviews, Bloodstream. So I looked up the director of that film, and lo and behold, it's the same guy!

The movie's heroes are Owen, a slightly pudgy Conan type, Clotilde, which isn't some sort of disease but a maiden, and Keiran, the world's worst thief. They all seek the mysterious island of Avalon for different reasons and are helped along by Merlin.Yes, that Merlin. Sometimes as an old man, most of the time as a young warrior. Avalon is ruled by Morgana, not of the kissing bandit variety, and her band of average looking women (and a couple of goofy eunuchs). 

Can our heroes defeat Morgana? Will Clotilde find her missing love? And what the hell is Old Gregg doing on the island? He's got a mangina.

Knowing it's a Michael J. Murphy film, I immediately know that the budget is around forty pounds (or thirty in wildly inaccurate US dollars). However, there's a real charm in this movie. The sets are pretty imaginative, and despite all the flaws this is a pretty fun eighty minute time waster. 

The whole film is up on YouTube for those who wish to venture forth to Avalon.

Things I Took From Avalon

-Never carry golden apples around. You'll almost die in a small puddle of water and then watch your buddies juggle those now normal apples right in front of you. I can stand almost dying in 3 feet of water, but juggling? No way!

- They really missed out not having the Old Gregg looking monster drink Bailey's from a shoe.

- Druids are a bunch of assholes led by a guy doing a bad Jesus cosplay wearing a Christmas wreath on his head. I bet Stonehenge was just a building they were too stupid to finish. 

- This movie has some of the funniest fight scenes ever seen in a sword and sorcery flick. Everyone is trying so hard to neither hurt each other nor break their fake weapons that it comes off like Renaissance Fair outtakes.   

-Merlin becomes a wizard whore by sleeping with the Lady in the Lake in exchange for Excalibur. 

- Gotta admit I liked the reverse motion on the chains moving around. Very smooth.

-Gotta also admit, that Michael J. Murphy is equally as bad at doing stop motion animations. The herky jerky dragon being solid proof of that.

-We get some boobs in this, and that's cool, but please space out your love scenes a bit more. having three, almost four, one right after another just made me a little ill.

-Bit disturbed to see Merlin peeking through a wall at Owen having sex with Morgana (whom Merlin used to love). His grunting and only seeing him from behind makes me think he's pulling his own little sword. I'm surprised he didn't put his penis through the hole like in Porky's.

- As disturbing as that was, it pales when Merlin realizes he hadn't slept with Morgana but one of her laughing lady friends. His response to that? He sexually assaults her. Rape ain't magic Merl...it's simply wrong.

- As disjointed as the plot got, I really enjoyed this film. I'm now on a quest to seek out Michael J. Murphy's other films. I hope there's no wizard rape in them.

YOU'LL GO BLIND, MERLIN!

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)

Director: Jet Eller

Stars: Donny Broom. Alvin Johnson, A Wicked Alligator Man puppet

For the first film of Awful Movie Month, I picked something I have never heard of before. All I knew was that the premise sounded funny to me. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a "so bad it's good" kinda film or simply a "please God kill me now" kind of film. Thankfully, it's the former.

This film is about two goofy friends named Gary and Alan, who are trying to get Gary's aunt and uncle safely to North Carolina. This plan turns to shit when a gang of redneck vigilantes, led by the stereotypical sheriff, kidnap the bumbling duo and try to kill them. When Gary's aunt dies at the hands of these bastards, Uncle Marley takes revenge...and that revenge is spelled V-O-O-D-O-O.

Marley brings back all the dead drug dealers these assholes have killed, along with a giant gator man /monster, to extract revenge. Yep, we're dealing with redneck zombies.

Things I've Learned/Took From Marley's Revenge

- Contrary to popular belief, Africa Dan is NOT based on me. I've never been to Africa. Now Kentucky Dan...that's me to a tee. I can teach you how to survive on Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi. 

- Why does the aunt, who is American, speak with that generic Haiti accent?

- This movie proves that funny bumper stickers aren't just for cars. Shit Happens indeed, you wise ol' cooler.

- There were so many badly dubbed people, I thought this was an Italian flick at first. Or maybe a Godfrey Ho movie.

- Despite the awfulness of this film, the alligator monster puppet is pretty damn impressive. Not scary in the slightest, but impressive nonetheless. 

- If you ever encounter a southern redneck zombie, remember two words...Moon Pie.

- Nurses in insane asylums think that staring into corners of room is pretty damn sexy. So start staring!

-Since I started off pretty safe (this movie is terrible, but fun), that means that the next film is gonna hurt...a lot.

- If you have two local DJ's mock your movie, it's only fair that they have to eat themselves.

Witchtrap (1989)

Witchtrap (1989)

Director: Kevin Tenney

Stars: James W. Quinn, Linnea Quigley, Kathleen Bailey

Some asshole hires a team of paranormal researchers to investigate a haunted mansion he owns and plans on turning into a bed and breakfast. He also hires the worst security team to watch over them and make terrible wisecracks. There's also a weird religious nutjob psychic that's part of the paranormal group, and she seems to have an orgasm every time this evil spirit decides to off somebody. I'll have what she's having.

So Avery Lauder, formerly a living warlock, now a dead one, sees his chance to become breathing once again by finishing some satanic ceremony that will allow him to enter the psychic (he'll call her afterwards, he promises) and just be unpleasant to be around.

I'm not sure how to feel about this movie. The acting is terrible all the way through, and the dialogue ridiculous, but it was a well shot movie and it even had a decent effect or two. Not too terrible to mock mercilessly (though I'll try) and not good enough to praise. At least Linnea Quigley gets newd. 

I did like how they kept saying that this wasn't a sequel to the director's other movie Witchboard. No, just because you have the same bad guy with the same look and a different name is merely a coincidence.

Six Things I've Learned from Witchtrap

1. I heard the psychic lady won third place in the Joan Cusak lookalike contest. No truth to the rumor that John Cusak popped a boner watching this.

2. If a door reaches out to you with arms open wide, don't fall for it. Doors don't hug. DOORS DON'T HUG!

3. Yes, this film has some of the most stilted line readings of all time, but nothing compares to the speech the psychic gives to our hero Tony Vincetti. He don't believe in God, she does. She proceeds to tell him the story of why she believes, but she says it in a way that no normal human being would ever say it...at least not in this century. Lines like "As the salt water quickly enveloped the world around me, I sank into a dark peaceful cocoon" are grounds for the screenwriter to be force fed his own script page by page.

4. I know they tried to make the hero detective likable, but the odd way he would insult people, and the pure cruelty behind some of those insults makes him seem more like a douchebag with a gun. The head of the security firm alone deals with the guy calling him inbred, spineless, and a quicker boss dicker licker upper. There's a point where someone goes from being a smartass to being an asshole and this guy leaps over that line like a pole vaulter.

5. If an evil spirit has possession of your loved one, it is not advisable to taunt the evil spirit by saying that loved one will reveal the spirit's dark secret. Don't take a psychic to know that exploding heads and large cleaning bills will be in your future.

6. Something that's always bothered me in horror movies....you know the scene where someone is standing still with their back turned to the camera and somebody slowly walks up to them, taps em on the shoulder, and it's a hideous/evil monster/demon? Those people are well aware that something bad's happened to this person, and the evil being isn't making any effort to turn around...so why doesn't the moron tapping monsters just go home? The creature's WAITING for that tap, and if it doesn't come they might not be able to turn around. Maybe THAT'S the weakness. Let the jackass stand there for eternity waiting for me, I'll be home drinking a beer playing the Xbox.

Fist Fighter (1989)

Fist Fighter (1989)

Director: Frank Zuniga

Stars: Jorge "George" Rivero, Edward Albert, Brenda Bakke

CJ Thunderbird, which is either the coolest name in the world or an extremely cheap brand of malt liquor, travels to South America to fight a champion bare knuckles fighter named Rhino. Why you might ask? Let's test your action movie knowledge.

A. To avenge the death of his friend

B. Because Rhino raped and killed one of Thunderbird's relatives

C. Bitch owed him like ten bucks

D. Because he was infringing on CJ's titty bouncing copyright

While choice B is a pretty good staple of the genre, the right answer is A. Those of you that chose D make me ashamed. My head is slowly turning from side to side in disapproval as I type. I better stop cause this is making it hard to type.

So Rhino is there in South America, managed by the town's resident Brad Wesley, Billy Vance (played here by a post Mannix Mike Connors). After CJ starts whipping Rhino's ass, Vance has the police stop the fight. Thunderbird, not backing down or emoting in the least, is helped out by Punchy (Albert), an ex boxer/currently con man with one leg to stand on, and Ellen (Bakke) playing the Kelly Lynch role...which means she's gonna get some Thunderbird in her. I made myself a little ill typing that.

Vance knows that Rhino can't beat Thunderbird, so he arranges for CJ to be put in prison. There he becomes friends with his gay cellmate (we know he is gay by his bright pink outfit), fight a big ol' hairy mutant of a prisoner called the Beast (in a cage match no less), and catches the attention of the prison warden, who hates Vance.

Will CJ Thunderbird go on to finally avenge the death of his friend who we never get any sort of information about? Well of course he will...you'd have to have an IQ of four to not realize that.

Six Things I've Learned from Fist Fighter

1. Vance, Rhino, and the corrupt police captain are always seen hanging out together. I bet there were some wacky adventures going on with those guys while we watched Thunderbird and Punchy (a great TV show title by the way) train. I bet they went out and did karaoke a lot. I wonder what Rhino sang. I bet it was Hungry Eyes.

2. I'm not sure whose boobs are bigger...Bakke's or Jorge Rivero's. Both pretty hot.

3. If you want to help your best friend find out his enemy's weakness, going out and getting the ever loving shit beat out of you until you die days later is probably not the best way to go about it. Hire someone and get them to write you a report with their good hand instead. Smart AND safe.

4. This:

5. There's a great scene at the beginning where Thunderbird takes on Superstar Billy Graham (the steroid-ed wrestler, not the steroid-ed preacher) in an arm wrestling contest and beats him. The bro code states in section 12 paragraph 8 that "if one man is beaten by another man fairly in a competitive event, the loser must gather as many of his out of shape buddies to get their asses kicked by the winner as well". Hey, it's in the rules.

6. Jorge Rivero is awesome. Most of you know him best as Uri, the hairstyle changing bastard from that awful movie Werewolf. Here he plays a hero so stoic, I was afraid he'd end up outside of a souvenir  store in Phoenix. He reacts the same way for EVERYTHING. Friend dies? Stoic. Having sex? Stoic. Stuck in prison in a tiny solitary confinement box? Mother fucking stoic to the max. I hope to review Conquest, his Fulci directed sword and sorcery epic, soon.

Psycho Cop (1989)

Psycho Cop (1989)

Director: Wallace Potts

Stars:  Bobby Ray Shafer, Palmer Lee Todd, Jeff Qualle

If there was ever a title that wasn't misleading, this would be it. He's a cop, and the guy sure as hell is psycho...so no false advertising there. The story...what little there is of one....is 6 young douchebags going to the longest mansion ever out in the middle of nowhere to drink beer. That's all these fuckers do is ask for beer. They may be the most functional alcoholics ever shot on film. Anyway, Psycho Cop follows them there and begins killing them one by one. If you're expecting gore, or nudity, or anything resembling decent acting, well you're shit out of luck here pal. It is amusing to watch Psycho Cop walk around like he dropped a deuce in his pants, and the movie is competently shot, I can see why there hasn't been an outcry for this to be on DVD here in the US. Apparently there's a sequel to this, but fuck that noise.

Six Things I've Learned About Psycho Cop

1. Judging by what these guys brought, the only meals they were having was beer and Stouffer's. Yum. It's pretty funny (and kinda gross) to see that Stouffer's hasn't changed their packaging in over 20 years.

2. This film attempts to take any ideas of jerk off material away by dressing the women in swimsuits that would be considered risque...in 1947.

3. Psycho Cop has the ability to appear right in front of you no matter where you are. This leads to some awkward moments when you have to take a shit in the middle of being chased. He'll turn his head though. He's not a MONSTER.

4. Don't know why Psycho Cop's the way he is? Don't worry, another cop will let you know the whole backstory before his heart is "ripped" out. Loose lips sink ships, asshole!

5. This movie makes sure that our characters say that something strange is going on every 30 seconds. It's like a guy who tells a sorta funny joke, and then repeats the joke for an hour and a half.

6. I sorta felt sorry for Psycho Cop because he tried to do the Freddy Kruger clever lines delivery, but all he could come up with is "have a heart" and "you have the right to remain dead". Bless his satanic heart,

Zombie Vs Ninja (1989)

Zombie Vs Ninja (1989)

Director: Godfrey Ho (well at least the scenes with white people in it)

Stars: Pierre Kirby, Dewey Bosworth, Patrick Frzebar

It's really hard to describe this....film. director Godfrey Ho took a typical film about a guy seeking revenge against those who killed his dad, threw in a bugs bunny looking undertaker who trains him, add horrible dialouge over it, and then film additional scenes with a whole other subplot filled with white people in ninja outfits made out of multicolored hefty bags. There's also mention of gold but I'll be damned if I saw any.

Six Things (HA!) I've Learned from Zombie Vs Ninja

1. I have trouble believing that there were people in China named "Ethan".

2. Instead of finding a needle in a haystack, you're more likely to find a dead body. That's a lazy ass Undertaker

3. You could tell the white guys (with great names like Duncan, Ira, and Bobby) were ninjas due to the headbands with NINJA written on it. I'm not kidding. Look!

Ira the ninja strike a fearful pose.

4. Godfrey Ho really enjoyed making the Bugs Bunnytaker talk about taking a shit.They do at least three or four shit jokes. They stunk.

5. Ninjas are able to hide in the forest with their neon yellow and pink outfits. Like chameleons.

6.  At no point whatsoever did I know what the hell was going on. Ever. Ethan's fighting a bad guy, then Bugs Bunnytaker has a cross the world conversation with the All American Ninja...then some evil woman is killing guys she sleeps with...AND I NEVER FOUND OUT ABOUT THE F'ING GOLD!!

I either hate you or love you Godfrey Ho. Mostly hate though mixed with a little bewilderment and slightly frightened.

Roadhouse (1989)

Roadhouse (1989)

Director: Rowdy Herrington

Stars: Patrick Swayze, Ben Gazarra, Kelly Lynch

In what can only be described as the greatest movie set in a bar ever (and also tops Mike Nelson's cheesiest movie list), Dalton (Swayze) is the ultimate male. Meditates with his shirt off, makes love on rocky walls, shoves people heads into tables...he can do it all. But can Dalton beat the local wealthy psychopath (Gazarra) with eyes for Dalton's honey (Lynch)?  Also, gratuitous butt shot...of Swayze. 

Six Things I've Learned from Roadhouse

1. I know most of you expect me to say "pain don't hurt" but I tried this theory out in my local bar and got a beer bottle smashed upside my head. Pain does in fact hurt like a bitch.

2. While I think Sam Elliot is an awesome actor, I never thought to myself "Hey, this movie needs some Sam Elliot pubes".

3. It's easy to run a town when the town is made up of like five or six buildings. You practically have the pick of any number of sleazy scumbags to hire.

4. Extremely tall men have no dancing ability whatsoever. It's really embarrassing. Please stop it.

5. I wonder if Jeff Healey's character got to bang lots of hot chicks, or if his band mates only told him they were hot when they look like a shovelface.

6. You know, Patrick Swayze really does have a sweet ass.

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Director: David Schwartz

Stars: Ari Levin, Rebecca Gandara, Barbara Bell
Filmed in: Las Vegas, Nevada

Sammy is a happy man...making deals, buying new cars, expecting a kid. But his world is turned upside down (and inside out) when he catches his giant mulletted wife having sex with a security guard. What does he do? File for divorce? Take the car back? Or cut her head off and walks around with it as luggage? He also randomly kills people and terrorizes the worst baby shower ever.

Six Things I've Learned from Las Vegas Bloodbath

1. Driving down the street with the severed leg of a "daytime whore" tied to your bumper arouses no suspicion in Vegas.

2. Never EVER put a 25 minute baby shower sequence with the Beautiful Ladies Oil Wrestling in it. BLOW indeed.

3. Oil wrestlers cannot afford tables.

4. No matter how "cool" you make it look, no bookie will take bets on fetus tossing.

5. What happens in Vegas, should not be filmed with a camcorder and sold to video stores.

6. Any movie is enhanced with this song...

Grave Secrets VHS Artwork

 

It's not really a bad cover per se, but I enjoy the little picture of David Warner looking at you as if he's disappointed that you rented this movie. "For shame."