Top 10 Underrated Horror Films: Dead and Buried and Occult

It's been a few months since I've written anything here. A combination of having a new job, working on a new video project, and generally being burnt out is the reason for that. But it's October, and if you can ignore the fucking Christmas shit already being put up in stores, you know that October is when you wanna be scared the most.

Now here at Wide Weird World, we tend to focus mainly on the bad. It's easy to find and you all seem to like me bursting a blood vessel to some SOV crap. But for my annual horror list, I'm going to take a cue from last year's list and focus on the underrated. Last year it was underrated characters. This year, we focus on those films that may get overlooked when discussing good horror.

Of course these are only my thoughts and opinions, and yours may vary. Some of these will be known to you, some may or may not. Outside of one film, I've stayed away from sequels. Also due to time, it's only going to be a top ten list. You may flog me later...call me.

10 - Dead and Buried (1981)

I've talked about this film a few times over the years. I used to be a big fan of zombie films, but quite frankly I'm burned out by em. If they aren't some shit done for $32 and a six pack of Icehouse, it's the same shit regurgitated and spit into our mouths like birds being fed. This film, while it is a zombie film, really turns the genre on its head.

A photographer passing through gets more than he bargained for when the townspeople tie him up and set him ablaze. But even though this guy dies, a few days later, he's discovered pumping gas at the local gas station! How is that possible? And does it have something to do with the creepy mortician? Spoiler: It does.

The hero in this film is the local sheriff, and he's someone that most of us can identify with. Which makes what happens in the film even more disturbing...and a touch depressing.

9 - Occult (2009)

 Koji Shiraishi is one of my favorite directors in horror. I'll stop total strangers on the street to tell them about Noroi: The Curse. I had to buy a filing cabinet to store all my restraining orders.

Occult I think is his next best work...although not without some minor flaws. This is a mockumentary about a mass murder that happened on a bridge. Two people died, one guy was seriously wounded, and the killer jumped off a cliff never to be found. As the story goes on, the seriously wounded man, Eno starts to experience what he calls "miracles". 

Strange things are recorded on tape, and the documentary crew (with Shiraishi playing himself) are a little concerned about Eno. Once Koji finds out what Eno's plan is, things go really fucking dark.

Some of the effects are a touch goofy, but this is an engaging story, and there's once scene in particular towards the end that is just "holy shit." The whole film (with subtitles) is on YouTube so I fully recommend you check it out.

Demon Keeper (1994)

Demon Keeper (1994)

Director: Joe Tornatore

Stars: Edward Albert, Dirk Benedict, Dirk Benedict's bulging eyes

Sometimes I run across a movie that is barely considered a movie running time wise. Most of Nick Millard's "films" clock in at around an hour. Demon Keeper clocks in at 71 minutes including end credits. The difference between these two (besides the fact that Demon keeper actually LOOKS like someone gave a shit...sort of) is that Death Nurse was so loaded with filler, if it was a person it'd be the guy who filled up on the free breadsticks at Olive Garden. This movie however, could have used about 10-15 more minutes because what we have here is a movie that goes all over the place for no reason whatsoever.

The basic story is that Remy (Albert) is a con man who does fake seances to get money from old ladies. Hey, if it works, more power to him. He invites a wealthy old lady and her distrustful son to his house for the weekend, along with a drunk lady and her angry husband, a guy who owes the mob money, and some other random people. Remy's surprised though when Old Lady McMoneybags brings world famous psychic Alexander Harris (Dirk and his eyes) along for the fun. 

What's a fake psychic to do? Oh I know, let's spout off some black magic!

Well of course the shit actually works and the goofiest looking demon ever put upon Earth arrives, inhabiting their bodies and making them kill each other for fun and souls. Does Remy save the day? Does Dirk Benedict save the day? Will the demon (which I've named the Lord of Derp) kill everyone off and watch some football in his tighty whities? It's on youtube, go watch for yourself.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Look Out For

- When Remy's wife calls for the dog, instead of the sweet loving family pet, she ends up with a snarling angry hellbeast. Now this would have scarier had they not decided that they would use a handpuppet so badly made, that it makes the werewolf handpuppet in Werewolf look like a Rick Baker creation.

- Watch for the enjoyable "chasing a deadbeat gambler through a golf course" scene. Not sure how the gambler plans to extort money from Remy, but he needs to before he meets the Embalmer. We never see the Embalmer, but I'm sure he's played by Robert Ginty.

- Burning someone's boob off is not an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do. Except oddly in this case it is. 

- Ever wondered what would happen if you used a thighmaster for 25 years? The guy trying to fuck his wife sure didn't want to know. Snap crackle pop his lower half.

- If you're scary monster looks like something that's wandering around Universal Studios in October, it might be a good idea to not light him as if he's in the spotlight at the Apollo. A little goes a loooong way.

- Also doesn't help when you give the demon such great dialogue like "He wants to kill you!" "You are a drunken pig!" and his delightful catchphrase "KILL HIM/HER! KILL! KILL HIM/HER". He sounds less like a minion of hell and more like a frat boy yelling at a pledge to shave a goat's scrotum.

-Look Dirk, I know this movie doesn't make sense. I know there's more plotholes than a blind man playing Tetris, but you could have put a little more effort in your acting performance. I know you wanted your bulging eyeballs to get most of the credit, but the nice man is paying you to act. At least it's not Bodyslam.

Must have looked at his IMdb.

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)

Director: A guy with real women issues

Stars: A bunch of women the director touches himself in naughty places to

I'm going to forgo the whole "Six things" bit and just go on a rant. 

I watched a half an hour of this movie before turning it off in disgust. Was the subject matter too disturbing for me? Shit no. There's pretty much no gore from what I saw in this shitbox. No, I turned it off because THIS is bad indie filmmaking at its worst.

First off, the running time. This stupid movie clocks in at 2 hours and 16 minutes. This ain't fucking Lord of the Rings, although I did wish a few of those trees in the campground you filmed at would have come to life and stomped the characters into the ground. There's no fucking need for any horror movie to be two hours long unless it's The Shining, and I know damn well Kubrick didn't rise from the grave to make this half baked turd. How about cutting out the hour or so of random footage of your "actors" just saying random shit. Just because you shot 70 hours of footage doesn't mean you have to use every last bit of it!

Now let's talk about Jeff Cooper, the director of this movie. He seems to have this fetish of women being tortured and beaten. Also, he looks like Wolfman Outback Jack. But I can overlook that. What I can't overlook is that you are a fucking terrible director. Let me give you a checklist of what you did wrong.

-Not spending the extra couple hundred bucks to get a fucking external microphone and boom pole. I know that would cut in on your paying women to show their tits fund, but maybe then people could understand all the shitty dialogue your actors had to say. WHY IS HAVING GOOD AUDIO SO FUCKING HARD FOR THESE COCKCLOWNS TO UNDERSTAND!?

-Your script. I couldn't really hear it, but what I could hear of it sucks.

- Editing. WHY IS THERE A TEN MINUTE SCENE OF TWO DUMB ASSES READING SOME BEATEN UP FORTUNE TELLER'S DIARY TO MOCK HER?! You can strap a camera to your gut and film yourself walking around the woods 3 or 4 times to break it up, but a better idea would have been take some scissors, grab the tape with that footage, and stab the tape like it's taking a shower in black and white..

-Acting. Was there not a community theater you could raid for ANY acting talent? As it is, the movie consists of some guy who dies, lots of questionable looking women, and you as the fake Australian Asshole hunter. Oh and a puppet who out acts the lead actress. I'd rather watch David The Rock Nelson play every role in a shot for shot remake of Deep Throat than to finish this movie.

THIS is what's wrong with indie horror. Any fucking moron with a $200 camera thinks he has the talent to make a film. Some of these chucklefucks think they can even WRITE one as well. You can't. Take a little bit of time to learn your craft even a tiny bit. there are plenty of indie horror films out there made by people who genuinely love the genre and take the time to realize that watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 146 times doesn't make you a director.  THOSE people get hurt because all anyone ever sees is shitheap films on netflix and the piss poor collections of knuckle dragging stupidity that Pendulum Picture farts out to poor dumb bastards like myself.

Yes, I love bad movies...but I love bad movies that entertain. Suburban Sasquatch entertained me even though it had a budget of 4 bucks and a McDonald's happy meal. Abberdine, according to IMDb, had a budget of 10 grand and made me daydream of razor blade sunglasses. If "I" had 10 thousand dollars, I could make a better movie.

 You know what?  I think that's what I'm going to do.

Thank you Jeff Cooper for getting me off my ass and work towards making my own horror film this year. I'll be sure to give you a big "thank you" in the credits . Fucking hack.

Witchtrap (1989)

Witchtrap (1989)

Director: Kevin Tenney

Stars: James W. Quinn, Linnea Quigley, Kathleen Bailey

Some asshole hires a team of paranormal researchers to investigate a haunted mansion he owns and plans on turning into a bed and breakfast. He also hires the worst security team to watch over them and make terrible wisecracks. There's also a weird religious nutjob psychic that's part of the paranormal group, and she seems to have an orgasm every time this evil spirit decides to off somebody. I'll have what she's having.

So Avery Lauder, formerly a living warlock, now a dead one, sees his chance to become breathing once again by finishing some satanic ceremony that will allow him to enter the psychic (he'll call her afterwards, he promises) and just be unpleasant to be around.

I'm not sure how to feel about this movie. The acting is terrible all the way through, and the dialogue ridiculous, but it was a well shot movie and it even had a decent effect or two. Not too terrible to mock mercilessly (though I'll try) and not good enough to praise. At least Linnea Quigley gets newd. 

I did like how they kept saying that this wasn't a sequel to the director's other movie Witchboard. No, just because you have the same bad guy with the same look and a different name is merely a coincidence.

Six Things I've Learned from Witchtrap

1. I heard the psychic lady won third place in the Joan Cusak lookalike contest. No truth to the rumor that John Cusak popped a boner watching this.

2. If a door reaches out to you with arms open wide, don't fall for it. Doors don't hug. DOORS DON'T HUG!

3. Yes, this film has some of the most stilted line readings of all time, but nothing compares to the speech the psychic gives to our hero Tony Vincetti. He don't believe in God, she does. She proceeds to tell him the story of why she believes, but she says it in a way that no normal human being would ever say it...at least not in this century. Lines like "As the salt water quickly enveloped the world around me, I sank into a dark peaceful cocoon" are grounds for the screenwriter to be force fed his own script page by page.

4. I know they tried to make the hero detective likable, but the odd way he would insult people, and the pure cruelty behind some of those insults makes him seem more like a douchebag with a gun. The head of the security firm alone deals with the guy calling him inbred, spineless, and a quicker boss dicker licker upper. There's a point where someone goes from being a smartass to being an asshole and this guy leaps over that line like a pole vaulter.

5. If an evil spirit has possession of your loved one, it is not advisable to taunt the evil spirit by saying that loved one will reveal the spirit's dark secret. Don't take a psychic to know that exploding heads and large cleaning bills will be in your future.

6. Something that's always bothered me in horror movies....you know the scene where someone is standing still with their back turned to the camera and somebody slowly walks up to them, taps em on the shoulder, and it's a hideous/evil monster/demon? Those people are well aware that something bad's happened to this person, and the evil being isn't making any effort to turn around...so why doesn't the moron tapping monsters just go home? The creature's WAITING for that tap, and if it doesn't come they might not be able to turn around. Maybe THAT'S the weakness. Let the jackass stand there for eternity waiting for me, I'll be home drinking a beer playing the Xbox.

Surburban Sasquatch (2004)

Surburban Sasquatch (2004)

Director: Dave Wascavage

Stars: Sue Lynn Sanchez, Bill Ushler, Dave Bonvita

I love this terrible movie.

The plot, what little of it there is, concerns a giant angry and hungry Sasquatch going around disappearing and reappearing to rip off the same arm over and over and kill people. Two cops, a not the least bit native american female warrior, and the saddest excuse of a writer all try to destroy this unstoppable beast.

So this movie has a combination of bad practical effects mixed in with the worst CGI since Birdemic. There's such ridiculous effects like the worst explosion ever, a sentient net cast over the Sasquatch, and an exploding door even though you can see the real door opened. I guess having two doors would protect you more.

There is so much wrong with this movie but it does the one thing that I ask of any movie...it entertains me. Not always in the way they intended, but this is a really enjoyable film. They could have knocked off about 15 minutes and made the hero less of a pansy ass, but those are minor squibbles to seeing some guy get his head squished or a little foo foo dog get torn in half.

This is one of those films I feel that should get more attention. It's the perfect midnight movie, ready to be riffed and not at all dull like that piece of shit Birdemic is. I think films like this should be seen in an actual theater because this is one of those movies that demands crowd participation.

Maybe I'm just insane.

Instead of my usual "Six Things" deal, I'm going to do what I did with Alien Beasts and give you guys and gals a little highlight reel of this fanfuckingtastic movie. Enjoy!

You can buy the movie like I did (via the Depraved Degenerates Six Pack from Pendulum) or you can buy it cheap right from the director himself HERE

The Hand (1981)

The Hand (1981)

Director: Oliver Stone

Stars: Michael Caine, Andrea Marcovicci, Bruce McGill

In the past day or so, my wife and I watched this movie and Fatty Drives the Bus. Normally, you'd see me reviewing Fatty while she takes on the more "highbrow" stuff. Oh not today my friend. She took the honors on reviewing Fatty here, while I dig into some pre conspiracy lovin' Oliver Stone.

I sort of remember seeing this movie around 1983 or '84 on one of the pay channels. That would make me around 6 or 7. Obviously a good age for someone to be watching a movie about a killer severed hand. No wonder I'm so weird.

Michael Caine plays Jonathan Lansdale, the creator of the popular comic strip Mandro (or Mondro...I'm not sure). An argument with his wife in the family car ends up costing him his right hand. Life goes on, and he gets fitted with what looks like a cross between Luke's hand in Return of the Jedi and part of the Terminator. Shockingly, his wife starts showing signs of having an affair with some touchy feely yoga douchebag despite having a cyborg for a husband.

While the wife and kid stay in New York, Lansdale goes to California to teach at a small college. He buddies up with another teacher there played by D-Day from Animal House and starts boning the supermarket checkout girl. But unbeknownst to him, his severed hand decided to tag along like a devoted pet and help kill those who have wronged Jonathan.

When Jonathan's wife and kid come down to visit, the marriage falls apart and the hand gets pissed. It'd be like if Thing from the Addams Family decided to strangle the kid who kept wanting his two dollars instead of just flipping him off.

I think this film is pretty underrated as far as horror/thrillers go. It's not Stone's best work, but he shows that the talent was there, even when the box office wasn't.

Six Things I've Learned From The Hand

1. While Michael Caine is a charming almost handsome man, he should get the lifetime award for having the worst hairstyle of any leading man alive.

2. I was very disappointed that Michael Caine didn't grab a cup, crush it with his metal hand, and say "Groovy". I expect too much from my movies I guess.

3. Look, if you don't want people putting dead bodies in the trunk, then you shouldn't make trunks the perfect size to put dead bodies in. I'm just sayin'.

4. I got to admit I was a little disturbed to see Annie McEnroe play a hot young woman gleefully whipping off her clothes. Not that I minded, hey she's got nice hooters, but I wasn't expecting to see Kay Culver from True Stories getting nude here.

5. Apparently, classes at small colleges are held in somebody's attic.

6. I'm going to spoil this 32 year old movie and tell you that there's no severed hand...it's Jonathan gone crazy and killing folks without him realizing it. But why does he go crazy? His wife. She tries to pass the truck on the road on a curve and ends up getting the man's fucking hand cut off and shot into a field. Gee, a cartoonist without a hand is like a fluffer with morals...completely worthless. On top of that, she starts bringing this touchy feely asshole yoga instructor to their apartment. And let me give you ladies a Protip here...no matter how much you say how great the guy is, we're never going to like him because we know he either wants to or IS tapping your ass. So don't try.

Anyway, she brainwashes their kid to call the guy "Uncle", the codeword for "Mommy's Boyfriend". So Jonathan is distraught and goes across the country to get away from her. Yeah, he ends up having an affair of his own, but then he finds out the girl he's sleeping with is going off to LA to bang Bruce Fucking McGill. God damn Jonathan Lansdale can't fucking win for trying. So he snaps and kills them both, not realizing he's doing it. He tries to kill his wife, but that damn kid stops him. 

His damn wife ruins his life and we're suppose to feel sorry for HER? Fuck that noise. SHE made him a killer and I hope she spends the rest of her fictional life realizing that if she hadn't been a bitch and just told him she wanted a divorce instead of playing chicken on the road, maybe Jonathan wouldn't have turned into a fucking looney tune. 

I need a drink.

Santa Claws (1996)

Santa Claws (1996)

Director: John A. Russo

Stars: Debbie Rochon, Grant Cramer, John Mowod

I know I know, it's too early for Christmas movies, but I gotta be honest here...if I reviewed this at Christmastime, I'd get depressed. That's why this gets an entry in the Awful Movie Month festivities.

This movie  has such a bare plot, that it would have to be sold in a plastic wrapper to people over the age of eighteen. Kid kills his 50 year old stripper mom and gross uncle in bed because he has dead daddy issues. In present time the now grown up kid has moved his obsession to what I assume is his neighbor, a scream queen (Rochon). He wants her for himself so he plots to kill her film coworkers, her cheating mulleted husband, and anyone else that gets in his way. 

And how does he kill these people? By dressing up as an awful movie character (the title of this crap) and stabbing them with a small rake. Yes, a fucking gardening tool. Not a cool one like a shovel or gardening shears...but a fucking tiny rake.

I had no expectations going into this, and came out with less. I'm not even sure how that's possible.

Six Things I've Learned From Santa Claws

1. The photographer husband has one of the best mullets I've ever seen. I hope he's doing a Joey Buttafucco one man show "Amy Fisher and Me".

2. This movie is a big advertisment for Scream Queens Illustrated, a magazine that had low level scream queens (mixed with REAL scream queens like Rochon, Brinke Stevens, and Linnea Quigley) doing badly shot playboy style nude layouts. I'm not even sure some of these women could scream, considering a lot of them I never saw in any movie whatsoever, much less one where screaming was required.  And trust me, considering the crap I watch for this site, I would have seen SOME of them.

3. where the fuck is the gore in this movie! When we have someone who helped create one of the goriest subgenre of horror films at the helm, I expect a little more. I'm not talking about jump roping with intestines, but sure as fuck more than putting small gobs of red nail polish on someone's fucking face and body! That's all there is!  Rake wound? little red nail polish. Gunshot to the face? A little dab will do ya.

4. I really enjoyed that they went from a nude posing/awkward dancing scene immediately into a nude shower scene with the same actress. I was hoping they would then cut to a nude driving scene and then to a nude eating cold leftovers on the couch watching an episode of Tales From the Darkside scene.

5. Apparently, putting sleeping pills in the drinks of the kids you are babysitting is a BAD idea. But hey, how else are you going to go out and kill people with two brats running around asking where the bathroom is!? "I'm busy putting nail polish on this woman's fake jugs, go piss in that trashcan!"

6. The fuck happened to you Russo!? Sure your movies weren't as well recieved as George Romero's but the Majorettes was cheesy fun at least. The only good thing about this film was Debbie Rochon (and that nutty killer guy as well). And to make it worse, you dragged Bill Hinzman into this! I'm convinced this was just an excuse for you and Billy Boy to stand around and watch women take their clothes off. If you at least admitted THAT I would understand. Would have picked better models (again, except Rochon) but hey, if big fake titties are your bag, jump on in!

John, I am disappoint.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #13 - Shelly from Friday The 13th Part 3

#13 Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3 - Not the Third Wheel, the Flat Tire

I have to be honest, when several people mentioned they wanted to see Shelly on this list, I felt a little bad. Both Wednesday's Child and I have a bit of a soft spot for Shelly...my own reason being that I know what it's like to be the odd man out. It sucks, and some people react to it differently. But as I was reviewing the footage for the video below, it slowly started making sense WHY they demanded this character be included on this list. 

So let's look at the three strikes against Shelly...and no, his girly name isn't one of them.

His social skills. Well more accurately, his lack of social skills. So I get it, not a lot of people like you. I hate it because during high school, I wasn't exactly Mister Wonderful. Hell, I wasn't even Mister Mediocre. But one thing I did know was that people aren't going to like you better when you constantly scare the shit out of them. Hey, fake stabbing your buddy might be cool with him, but that hot blind date you were put into might not appreciate you falling out of the closet playing dead. That's more of a stomach churner than a panty moistener. I can't believe I even typed that.

He is a giant pansy. Being unattractive is one thing. I mean, it is a point against you to be a white man with an Epstein Welcome Back Kotter 'fro. It's another to have that 'fro and have the backbone of Horshack (who oddly enough, dies in a later Jason flick). Sure he gets a minor victory over some jerkoff bikers, but notice he has to be behind  a big moving piece of metal in order to get that courage. Way to impress Jean Claude Van Dumbass.

He's a horrible friend. Not only does he fuck up his blind date by being whiny and needy, not only does he causes tons of damage to his friend's car on purpose, but the one thing...the thing that made me want to see him croak is this...

He juggles.

Who the fuck passes the time juggling!? And in front of a live stoned audience. This ain't no circus de soleil moon frye...it's fucking Camp Crystal Lake, motherfucker! It was that point that I want him disemboweled. That doesn't happen, but there is a pretty neat boy who cries wolf moment when one lady doesn't fall for his fake death prank...only it's not fake this time.

Shelly may be a wimp, an anti social juggling asshole, a destroyer of friend's cars, and an all around unfunny prankster, but he DID give us one thing that we can all thank him for...the Hockey Mask. Thanks for that you useless ass.

Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die... by alabastertnt

Little note here, seems Paramount didn't like me having this series of clips up on youtube so I changed it to Dailymotion (and if that's taken down somewhere else). I just am amused that Paramount and Friday the 13th would want to be associated with Jeff Katz, but not with me. Oh well.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #14 - Old Man from Night Of The Demons

#14 Old Man from Night Of The Demons - Get Off My Lawn and Die!

I know it's not easy to like the youth of the 80's. They are rude, crude, and as it said on several t-shirts, full of attitude. I was one of those kids myself and I got to admit, if I saw my younger self, I'd wanna punch him in the face as well. But there's a limit to what you should do. Spray em with a hose? Fine. Threaten to call the cops? Sometimes effective. Plot their deaths? We might need to talk.

Night of the Demons is a fun crazy movie about morons at a party getting possessed and/or killed. It also has the great "let's hide the lipstick inside my nipple" scene. Sorta bookended on either side of this story is a sub plot about this old man who hates kids. I mean REALLY hates them. I'd be pissed if some fat ass mooned me in a moving vehicle or if some Jersey jackoff waved a fake rat in my face, but there's no need to be mean to the dumb vacant girl with nice knockers because you got issues with today's youth. That's one strike against this old man.

But this stick waving bastard has a plan. He plans on putting razor blades into the Halloween treats of the youth! Now while I almost understand this man's rage, there's a real flaw in his logic. Unless there's some shit going on that's not on film, the only kids that are bothering this guy are at least 20 years old. They aren't going trick or treating. It's the little kids that are going to suffer because some asshole in a shitty car decides to show this old man his bloomers. Strike two.

But here's the reason I think he deserves to die. It's not because he hates kids. It's not even the fact that he's planning to kill kids. It's this...

This Old Man is putting razor blades in APPLES!

That's right, fruit. On par with getting pennies or a fucking pencil, kids go trick or treating to get candy, not fruit. I'd let it slide if it was coated in some diabetes causing syrupy goodness, but noooooo. It's just plain old apples. What, ran out of pears? Ate all those gross black and orange candies? THIS is why this old man needs to die. And he does, thanks to a great twist concerning the old man's wife. 

You rock old lady...you fucking rock.