Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)

Director: Carl J. Sukenick

Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a plot...you know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.

Baby Ghost (1995)

Baby Ghost (1995)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Joe Estevez, Erin O'Bryan, Conrad Brooks

In this shot on video rarity, Joe Estevez is a studio photographer in what appears to be an office building. He wears an annoying bow tie, there's some lame psychic love interest also in the building, annoying kids, a dumbass security guard, and the eternally annoying Conrad Brooks. Oh and there's some ugly ass "ghost baby" that's running amok. None of it makes sense.

The guy who made this also "directed" Hell Comes To Frogtown. I liked that movie. This barely counts as a movie. In fact, it may have replaced Death Nurse as the worst movie I've ever seen. Sadly, I'm sure that'll be topped soon.

Six Things I've Learned About Baby Ghost

1. If you're a big fan of watching people walking around an empty office building, then this movie is straight up porn for you. Sit back, grab some tissues and enjoy the mundane wallpaper!

2. There must be some agency that only specializes in inept security guards. "What? No, I don't want the former trained policeman, I want the rat faced guy who can't even catch an 8 year old! He'll keep my building safe!"

3. There's a scene when Conrad Brooks literally tells the plot of Plan 9 From Outer Space (although he calls it Flying Saucers Over Hollywood). If poor Bela could see Conrad's acting, he'd yell "PULL ZE PLUG! PULL ZE PLUG!" Man, Conrad Brooks sucks.

4. They lure the baby ghost with one of those cheap Tiger electronics handheld games. I should have known that shitty special effects would be drawn to shitty handheld games.

5. There are two impossibly stupid crooks who break into the building for no reason. I don't have a joke there. They don't interact with the other characters, they see the ghost and get scared, and we never hear about them again. I hope they rot in that office building in bad movie purgatory.

6. I can't believe I'm saying this...but I felt bad for Joe Estevez. This movie was beneath him. Let me state that again in bold....BABY GHOST IS SUCH A SHITHEAP OF A FILM THAT IT WAS BENEATH JOE ESTEVEZ'S ACTING TALENTS.

"WHAT!? I get second billing behind Estevez!?"