Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Beasties (1991)

Beasties (1991)
Director: Steven Paul Contreras
Stars: Eric C. Bushman, Denise Mora, James Jeffries

I hate when movies try to advertise themselves as the worst movie ever. The Golden Turkey jackasses tried to do it with Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's not...not by a long shot. The director of Beasties tried to call his film the worst movie ever a few years back and of course he's wrong as well. I've already seen the worst movie ever in Alien Beasts, and I still have some David "The Rock" Nelson movies to review. I know it's some marketing ploy, but you can take Troll 2, and Birdemic, and shove em up your asses. They aren't the worst movies ever...they're just unwatchable crap.

This convoluted mess is about some nerd who finds a spaceship, so of course in the name of being "friendly" he steals one of the ship's eggs. Yes, because being a thief will show the evil hand puppets you're a good guy. 

So he and his big haired girlfriend show up at this other chick's house. Now she had been fighting off a beastie after she and her body double took a shower. They work together to..do something while other characters come and go comically. 

There's also a punk gang lead by Hammerhead who all worship this Skeletor wannabe named Osires. He likes to surround himself with rejected GLOW wrestlers and make them fight to the death. Oh and Hammerhead's old lady really does look like an old lady, with her crow's feet and her giant Cher hair.

This movie jumps from scene to scene without making a bit of sense. Then at the end, our hero stands in front of the main alien and delivers a 10 minute exposition on what's going on. And I STILL couldn't make any sense out of it.

Oh well, at least it's entertaining in a goofy way. Not the worst movie ever.

Six Things I've Learned From Beasties

1. Every group of punks need their own giant fat hairy guy. It's punk union rules.

2. The "beasties" themselves are perhaps the coolest looking hand puppets ever to show up on super 8. They reminded me of a cross between two toys from the 80's, Boglins and the insect vehicles of the Sectaurs. I want one of my own!

3. When the soundtrack started playing that fake tuba fat guy/nerd music, I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a fat (for 1991) nerdy guy pulls up in his car. I know my fat/nerd music...mainly because the guy making it won't stop following me around. It hurts.

4. There's very little of the beasties in question in this film. The main villains are this inept group of punks that basically annoy people and have ugly amazonian chick fights. The title of this should have been "Annoying Assholes With Bad Hair".

5. I'm very impressed with the suppose main villain's batting helmet made from some poor schmuck's skull. I was less impressed when he drank blood and became a minor league version of a member of GWAR.

6. So the big twist in this film is that the alien ship that has landed is in fact, our nerdy hero from the future after performing stupid experiments on himself. So basically our hero is making his girlfriend go up inside him (a future him, yes, but him nonetheless). Geez pal, you should start out slow...like a couple fingers deep first. Perv.

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