Beyond The Grave (2010)

Beyond The Grave (2010)

Director: Davi de Oliveira Pinheiro

Stars: Rafael Tombini, Alvaro Rosa Costa, Ricardo Seffner

 An unnamed Officer drives through a post apocalyptic (but beautiful) world where the seven gates of hell have opened up and zombies walk the Earth. He's on the hunt for the Dark Rider, a serial killer with strange and evil powers.These two are on a collision course for a final duel, but will good overcome evil?

 I've always been fascinated with horror films from other countries. This Brazillian effort is less a horror film (though there are horror elements) than it is a bloody fantasy arthouse film. Now this isn't a bad thing, because I wasn't sure what to expect. Anyone can throw blood and gore at the screen (and has), but this film does it only when the story calls for it...which is pretty refreshing.

 The cinematography by Melissandro Bittencourt is fantastic. They make the most of their small budget by filming in some downright beautiful locations. This really offsets the violence nicely. The acting is very good and the dialogue scarce at times. 

 The makeup effects were really well done. All practical, and the zombies looked nice and dead. The gore was disgusting, and you can't ask for anything more out of your gore. The music though, is one big highlight. Very prog rock/Goblin like with a touch of Brazillian mixed in. I'd listen to that soundtrack nonstop.

 If there were anything that bothered me about the film is that it drags in places. For a 90 minute film, the slowdown needs to be at a minimum in my opinion. And while I love the references, I think there was a bit too much taken from Stephen King, most notably Randall Flagg. But honestly, these were minor quibbles to me.

 The movie is up on Hulu for free if you'd like to judge for yourself. Overall I think it's extremely well made film, with fun characters, great locations and awesome music.

Beyond the Grave full movie

Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)

Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)

Director: Joel Gilbert

Stars: The Beatles, William Campbell 

Conspiracy theories always seem to amuse me. Well you haven't seen a Bigfoot, so you can't disprove that they exist and invented rollerblades to escape being noticed, can you? I thought not. I don't believe aliens are the root cause of everything, I don't believe the Shining is about Indians landing on the moon, and I don't believe Barry Manilow had anything to do with 9/11, but man there sure are a lot of people who do. Maybe not Barry. We can't smile without him.

What I'm trying to say is I think most of these people are well meaning (sometimes not so well meaning) kooks. This also goes for the decades long rumor that Paul McCartney died in 1966 and a double has been playing him ever since. How preposterous, I thought. You're speaking out loud again my wife said. Sorry, I muttered. So like most rational folk, I thought it was a bunch of hooey.

Until I saw this documentary.

The sheer amount of evidence this film presents overwhelmed me. How they managed to cram it all into two hour and still tell a tremendously true story boggles my brain. So many things that didn't fit were put together some some gloriously fucked  up jigsaw puzzle where every piece was a new design. My eyes have been opened dear readers, and I have become the Eggman.

Things I Learned From Paul McCartney is Really Dead

- Learn about that terrible night when an argument between Paul and John Lennon turned into the horrific car crash that decapitated a superstar and could have created massive suicides.

- Those harmless "lookalike" contests could have much more sinister intentions than you'd like. I bet there's an ever rotating group of David Cassidy lookalikes ready to go at a moments notice. The Cassidy Army awaits!

- How Rita, the only other person who knew what happened that night, is changed via plastic surgery. When she later tries to blackmail the boys, the MI5 try to kill her, but only succeed in getting her leg amputated. They wouldn't hear the last of Rita, now going by the name Heather Mills!

- The sheer talent of John Lennon as he proceeds to turn every single Beatles song into a memorial for his lost friend and bandmate.

- Finding just the right phrases so that when played backwards (they'd give a clue Paul was dead) is not an easy task. I tried it and all I got playing backwards is "Dan Rather is Connie Chung". 

- I'm kind of surprised every album wasn't entitled "HEY EVERYONE, PAUL IS DEAD! HE'S FOOKING DEAD EVERYBODY!" Guess it'd be hard to put pictures showing he's dead on the cover.

- You have to give William Campbell some credit. Not only did he gleefully erase his identity to become Faul by having tons of plastic surgery, but he also didn't seem to mind that his bandmates were constantly calling him a fake and making him do shit on album covers to help corroborate that idea. But Lennon was murdered after telling Faul a few weeks earlier that he planned to tell the world what happened. That sneaky bastard!

You can watch this film on SnagFilms for free! Here's the trailer:

Oh, by the way, this is a mockumentary, and Paul is very much alive. Ringo however is a Bigfoot.

Satan Hates You (2010)

Satan Hates You (2010)

Director: James Felix McKenney

Stars: Don Wood, Christine Spencer, Angus Scrimm

As a child, we didn't have a whole lot of money. Trips to restaurants were considered a special occasion, and trips to the theater were usually out of the question. Except one place...

Bowling Green had a free christian drive in.

It's long gone now, as are most drive in sadly, but this was a place my family would take us when we would whine about going to movies. It's not that they were religious fanatics or anything...it was just a way to get us out of the house for a few hours. They never realized that they were pushing me towards christian scare films.

Christian scare films are those they show the danger of leading an immoral life. They still exist today in the form of Left Behind and The Omega Code movies, but it's a hell of a lot tamer. The ones we were shown were such classicks as A Thief in the Night and my personal nightmare fuel, The Burning Hell. My parents meant well, but look at this and tell me this would make a person sane.

 

Anyway, this films parodies these types of films (along with Jack Chick tracts...I'll save that for another time). Marc and  Wendy are two people jetpacking on the road to hell. Wendy, with her random sex and constant drug use, and Marc with his lust for men and his bad habit of killing people. 

A couple of demons are watching their progress, making sure they do all the wrong things along the way, even though forces are working against them in the awesome form of Angus Scrimm and Debbie Rochon. I don't wanna spoil it, but God wins.

Michael Berryman is adorable. Why haven't they come out with Berryman plushies is beyond me.

Six Things I've Learned from Satan Hates You

1. If the ugly lesbian wants to play on the Ouija board and call up Satan, be sure that you put your soul someplace safe...like in a mason jar or perhaps one of those mini safes that you have to have a combination for. Oh and don't do coke.

2. Abortion clinics must take place in what looks to be the sewers. I heard the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had to move because of all the screaming.

3. Angus Scrimm continues to be the coolest guy in movies. Evil alien or gentle soul saver, he knocks it out of the park every time.

4. I watched one of the director's other movies, The Off Season, before watching this. The Off Season was ho-hum, but this one was just great. Both films have the same cast, but while I hated Don Wood's work in Off Season, I loved his nutso character here. If you have to watch one movie with the same cast, pick Satan Hates You.

5. Don't pick a fight with Reggie Bannister. You'll lose. Every damn time.

6. People on IMDb are a bunch of fucking morons. I seriously wonder how anyone with a working brain stem can take this movie seriously. I get not knowing Jack Chick tracts, but this movie is beyond over the top that lobotomy patients would know what this is. I somehow blame Seltzer and Friedberg for dumbing down people enough that they have to be spoonfed jokes like they're a bunch of drooling babies. I have an idea for a movie..it's call The Kick Seltzer and Friedberg In The Nuts Until They Come Out of Their Mouths Movie. I'm sure it'd get a higher Rotten Tomato Rating.

2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

Director: The fine folks at Everything Is Terrible

Stars: Duane, Tiny Hitler, Cat Massaging Lady

I am a compilation video junkie. From those  trailer compilations with the same 30 trailers in it to the weird and wacky Lost and Found Video Night series, if they were food I'd weight 500lbs by now. I tend to like the goofy ones better, and if there's death in it, I'd rather it be gory movie deaths instead of the Faces of Death bullshit. I like to be entertained, not depressed.

This brings me to Everything is Terrible. Their first movie is the standard collection of oddball instructional videos and other oddities, with some slight editing. I of course loved it. But then I had a chance to watch the sequel. I couldn't pass it up. Would it live up to the original?

Oh it exceeded it with one of the most epic stories cut together and reassembled on tape.

The story, as coherent as it can be, concerns the death of the Christ figure Duane, a hip hop dancing kid who knows the score. When he is tragically murdered, the world degrades into sex, drugs, and cat massaging. Hitler, now in the body of an 10 year old boy, tries to rule the Earth. Will he take over, or will a miracle dance it's way out of the sky? I won't spoil it for you.

Six Things I've Learned From 2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift

1. Klingons are uncircumcised. At least that's what the rogue Christian Trekkie told me. Klingon plays a mean guitar though.

2. If I'm out and about and I see a couple doing the music kiss (which is kissing to the beat, turning your head side to side) I will send the uncircumcised Klingon to bash their heads in with the guitar.

3. If Duane is gone, it means no pizza. I can almost handle a little Hitler, but no pizza!? That is a fate worse than death.

4. Whenever the world is just overwhelming me, I take a skate break. I'm still overwhelmed, but at least I have a nice neon outfit to look forward to. Can't touch this!

5. In one clip,a man is asked if he thought about having sex with animals. His reply is "Do whales count"? Be sure to check which section you rent Free Willy from. Just a handy tip.

6. I don't know what video series include a Jerry Seinfeld lookalike doing the helicopter with his little Jerry flapping about, but I want all copies of it to be burned. The only thing that could be worse is a George lookalike coming in naked from the pool.

Duane: Never Forget