Saturday, November 29, 2014

Tales From The Quadead Zone (1987)

Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)
Director: Chester Turner
Stars: Shirley L. Jones, William Jones, Doug Daverport

The end of Awful Movie Month is upon us, and that means that I couldn't hold off watching this immortal bastard son of cinema any longer. 

I had seen director Chester Turner's other movie, Black Devil Doll from Hell, and while it was a bit unnerving to watch, I had seen worse. I guess Turner is a time traveler and has already read this article, because he went back to 1987, grabbed his camcorder, made Shirley L. Jones stop soaping up her boobs, and made this monstrosity.

The movie starts with one of the worst opening songs in the entire history of cinema. The worst part is, it started to become catchy the more I heard it. Now it won't leave my head. Why do you hate me so much, head?

So Shirley L. Jones is washing the dishes (she's on credited as "Bobby's Mother") when a mug near a candle with a Madball stuck in it (I'm serious) starts to float. Mom chastises her invisible dead son and asks if he wants her to read him a story. He responds by blowing a fan in Jones' face and going "hushushushushushushush".

A little sidebar here, why does Jones look like she's having an orgasm on the set of a hair commercial whenever Bobby "speaks"? It's extremely disturbing to me. This happens at least ten times over the hour and two minutes running time.

So Bobby materializes a book out of thin air called Tales from the Quadead Zone. I'm not sure what the hell the quadead zone is, but I bet it's sandwiched between the Negative Zone and the Fuck is This Shit Zone.  

So now I realize I'm not only watching an awful movie, it's turned into an awful ANTHOLOGY movie. Bad anthologies are always the worst, filled with stories full of padding and morons talking endlessly. I decided to review each of the "Three" stories (One story I consider half a story since it centers around our storyteller)  and let you share in my pain.

Food For ?  or We're too Stupid to Cut Sandwiches in Half

This story concerns a family of eight who only ever has enough food for a few. The guy at the supermarket must be a real asshole to knowingly sell these people food that won't feed all of them. But then again, I have to side with him when you see these morons can't come up with the brilliant idea of cutting four fucking sandwiches in half.

Dad rings a stupid bell and proceeds to do one of the worst prayers I have ever seen. Love that the dad couldn't even say a prayer without sounding like he was reading a script. "Give us this day our...uh...*looks*...daily bread". Great job Pops, God ain't impressed.

Next day, and same shit happens. Only their giant hillbilly son has had enough of the bell and returns with a shotgun, killing three family members so everyone could eat. Mom didn't seem too upset, but it was hard to tell with her drawn in eyebrows.

Then they cut to stills of the remaining family members. Two of them are shot in the face and chest respectively, while Ma and Pa Kettle "lives high on the hog in witness protection program". Their words, not mine. Shotgun Sammy, we are told, dies in the state gas chair. I'm not sure what the hell a gas chair is, but it must stink to high heaven. He who dealt it, will always have to smelt it.

That's it. Ten minutes. This wasn't a story, this was a situation! Who would tell their child, albeit a dead one, about a guy shooting family members for food!? It used to be "Goodnight Moon", now it's "Goodnight, and Go Fuck Yourself Moon".

Brothers or Fucking Clownshoes

Some guys break into a funeral home to see where their acting careers ended up. I keed I keed. They break in there to steal a body. Do they need a fourth for poker? No, seems it's the brother of one of the three guys, and he wants to enact some revenge on his dead sibling first. But first, lets have some champagne! I'll have the cup shaped like a titty. Damn, the brother got it first.

After his two friends leave, Ted starts berating Dead Fred for all the time he fucked over Ted with his father. Guess Dead Fred broke up Ted's marriage so he could have her. But after telling her he only wanted her to fuck with Ted, she blows her brains out. Ted was planning Dead Fred's murder, but Fred's heart beat him to the punch. 

Ted takes his revenge by dressing Dead Fred up as a clown and burying him in the basement. Really weak plan B there, Ted. But I can't be too mad at Ted, because his infectious laugh fills the room for a good five minutes.

So some spirit (Fred? A Demon? Manute Bol?) enter Dead Fred, and now he becomes Undead Fred. He goes after Ted in the basement speaking in an unintelligible voice and kills him with a pitchfork. As my wife pointed out, there never seems to be a shortage of pitchforks in a suburban dwelling. Because farm equipment and soccer moms go well together.

This one seemed to have a story, but it was padded out to twenty minutes with talk talk talk and more fucking talk. I didn't need to know every grievance Ted had with Fred. I am curious about why "12345" is spraypainted on the wall of the basement. I'd like to think it's Ted's way of remembering his luggage combination. By the way, I love that Ted loves this one shitty painting on his wall so much, that he had to buy an exact duplicate and hang it right beside the original.

I wanna take this moment to talk about just how awful the audio is in this movie. The soundtrack is at a constant level (too damn loud) while mics are randomly put on different people at any time regardless if they are speaking or not. Even when they do speak, you can't understand half the words that are coming out of their mouths. I'm sure they aren't saying anything intelligent, but I'd like to know SOME of what was said.

Unseen Vision or Don't Harass Me About Our Dead Kid, Asshole

So we've come back full circle as the last story involves Bobby and his mom. She's just about to read another story when either her husband or ex shows up. Either way, this is revealed to be Bobby's dad. Mom ain't happy to see Daryl, and Daryl ain't happy to see his former ol' lady has been reading shitty stories to some butt prints in a chair. He lets her know that he cares deeply for her, and although he misses his son as well, that she should start the grieving process and learn to let Bobby go.

I'm kidding. He wacks her across the head with the book and start beating her with it. They struggle until Mom grabs a knife and starts stabbing Daryl. Curse words are yelled, and Mom mentions something about a "last dance" which I assume isn't that Pearl Jam cover song from years back. Mom goes to see Bobby in the bedroom, but Daryl lives long enough to call the cops. 

Two cops that even Barney Fife would have called fucking wimps show up and they arrest Mom. But before they go, Mom asks to use the bathroom. Like morons, they let her. She then proceeds to slit her own throat in what may be one of the better disturbing images I saw out of this film. No, the dead guy from story two who looked like a bunch of playdoh mashed up into one weird color I like to call 'blech" doesn't count.

So Mom's dead. 21 hours later...why 21 I don't know, she strolls back to the house as a yellowish ghost, and she reads Bobby another awful story...this time about what just happened 21 hours ago. "Hey kid, you wanna hear about how I crapped myself after slitting my own throat?!"

While close, this isn't the worst movie ever made. At only a little over an hour long, this felt longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies put together. Extended versions. But as bad as this movie was, as much as I tore it a new asshole, I have an odd admiration of Chester Turner.  I might even watch a Tales From the Quadead Zone 2 if he makes it. Maybe. I'd need a lot of booze.

Friday, November 28, 2014

The Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf

I know good and well by now not to expect too much of a movie that stars Reb Brown, but holy hell! The Howling 2 goes beyond laughably bad into the realm of secondhand embarrassment. Even the title is ridiculous. Interestingly though, I have reason to suspect that the makers of this film had a sense of humor about it, and that it may even be a poor attempt at humor. It feels like they made the movie, realized it sucked, and then did some edits for the sake of being "funny." It's still embarrassing, but that's tempered by the idea that it may be self-aware.

The Howling 2 (I'm not typing out Your Sister is a Werewolf every time) begins with a nonsensical voiceover by Christopher Lee, and then we go to the funeral of the character from the first movie who was played by Dee Wallace Stone. You know, the lady who famously turned into a werewolf on the news in front of everyone in her viewing market before being shot dead. Only the corpse in the coffin, who later reanimates briefly because the silver bullets were removed during the autopsy, is played by a different actress other than Stone. And she is the sister to Reb Brown, playing a sheriff from Montana or someplace, and proving it by walking through every scene in a jeans jacket and jeans. I think they call that outfit a Canadian tuxedo!

After the funeral, Brown is approached by two weirdos, first an occult specialist played by Lee, and the second a reporter played by that weird voiced lady who was married to Spalding Grey in True Stories. (By the way, True Stories came out in 85, the same year as this furry monstrosity, and was a much better career choice for this lady and her voice.) Brown tells Lee to fuck off, Lee tells weird lady "His sister is a werewolf," then she tells Brown, "Your sister is a werewolf." Title in dialogue moment!

Then Lee goes to a club, where for some reason he is given ugly sunglasses to put on. The club is full of werewolves! One of them was at the funeral! She picks up some guys just so she can kill them! Then the reporter and Reb Brown go visit Chris Lee at home, where he shows them a big cardboard poster with pictures of the werewolf lady from the club. He also plays the videotape of Reb's sister turning into a werewolf on the news, only in this film's universe, the transformation and death weren't on TV and no one saw it happen. I don't know why they couldn't even get that detail right, if they were going to bother making this a sequel! I haven't watched The Howling in years, but I clearly remember reactions from some people in a bar who saw the news broadcast live on TV. Anyway, Lee tells Brown he's gonna have to kill his sister again. Brown tells him to fuck off again.

Until....he sees his sister turn into a werewolf later that night in the cemetery, where he has gone to kill Lee! Now he's ready to follow Lee to the ends of the earth, or at least to the former Czechoslovakia masquerading as Transylvania. Werewolves in Transylvania? Apparently. Not only werewolves await us in Transylvania, but also a puppet show, midgets, weird wipes between scenes, that guy who played Mickey the Convict in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and Sybil Danning tearing off her clothes. She is the head werewolf, but we all know her real supernatural power is tearing off her clothes. Somehow the same people from the club in Los Angeles are all at her house, and then they run outside and Christopher Lee kills most of them with a pistol. Finally, Lee confronts Danning, and I think the implication is that she is HIS sister, but I'm not sure. All I know is that this movie should be ashamed of itself, and it could stand a good hard riffing. Also, the band in the club scenes sings a song with lyrics that include the word "Howling," so at least the movie gets some points for having a bad theme song that is about itself.

But what about that "funny" part I mentioned? Well, it's the credits sequence. It shows the moment when Sybil Danning takes her top off, over and over again, while other people in the film are intercut as if they were reacting to her bare boobs. I mean, that's got to be a joke, right? This can't be intended to be a scary film with an ending like that tacked on? You've got your good werewolf films, like The Wolf Man and An American Werewolf in London, and even to some extent The Howling, where you actually feel sorry for the main character who is doomed to turn into a werewolf and be killed. The werewolf idiom is supposed to be a tragic story of lost potential, of wasted youth, of a likable and hopeful person who lives in torment and then dies. And then you have this flaming bag of dogshit, strutting around in head to toe denim, laughing at us for having watched it, and sniffing its own ass. Here, watch the credits and see what you think. For a bad movie, it almost elevates itself to so-bad-its-good at the end. If only it would stop humping my leg.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

American Revenge (1988)

American Revenge (1988)
Director: David Schwartz
Stars: Matt Hannon(!), James Van Patten, A.D. Muyich

I've been waiting for the right time to review this cinematic turkey, and being it's almost Thanksgiving, that time is now.

Jag (Muyich) is just your friendly, bodybuilding, non American drug dealer. He's looking to get out of the business after yet another attempt to kill him, but his pal Mel (Van Patten) sets up one last big deal with Angelo (Hannon) out in the desert. Angelo has other ideas, and tries to kill our heroic drug dealer. It's time for some revenge...AMERICAN REVENGE...although Jag doesn't sound the least bit American. Van Patten does, so I guess there's the American part. You got me on a technicality this time movie.

I tracked this one down simply because it's the only other film (to date) that has Samurai Cop Matt Hannon in it. He channels Stallone a bit too much (he did do bodyguard work for Sly), but I thought he did better as the villain than as Samurai Cop Joe (though he was more entertaining in SC).

The rest of this film is a mess of Vegas shots, old fat guys as henchmen, a leading man who can barely put a sentence together, and a director that I just now (as I'm writing this) realized is the director of that other awful movie I reviewed, Las Vagas Bloodbath. Both movies awful, both oddly enduring.

Things I Got Out of American Revenge

- Fast food places such as Burger King are tremendously bad places to deal in ill gotten jewelry. Those kids may look like royalty with those paper hats, but they'll take off with your loot first chance they get. Little bastards.

- If your right hand man is a fat guy named Tiny that looks like he failed the Roadhouse "fat thug" audition, you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel of henchmen.

- Some odd product placement in this film. I'm not sure that Chevy approved that "Heartbeat of America" hat the drug buyer was wearing. No wonder my Taurus drove me from Georgia to Maine in 5 hours and then crashed for a week.

- When a shootout is happening at the bar you are at, It's important to just stand there with your back to the action. Sure you'll get shot, but no one is gonna spike that drink of yours lady!

- While you are a guest at the home of a sleazy drug dealer surrounded by losers with guns, asking for a cut of the drug money is a serious social faux pas

. Things I heard during Matt Hannon's first scene:
Someone saying "It's me" off camera"
A guy telling someone his wife is worried about the guns at their house
And the director saying "action" in the very next scene

- Hey ladies of the church, you wanna come to Vegas to sin, you gotta be prepared to be stuck in a dingy room with an old guy wearing a fake scar named "Scratch". THAT'S Hell!

- Line from the guy who fucks up the BK jewelry deal AND kidnaps the wrong people "I never make the same mistake twice". YOU JUST FUCKING DID!

- Tiny and Scratch have a scene together taking henchmen business, and they come off like two good buddies hanging out. I would have watched an entire movie about the daily lives of these two henchmen. Too bad Scratch dies like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. 

-  Maybe I was hard on the guy who screws things up. Maybe he used to be a good henchmen but personal issues got in the way. Maybe his mortgage is due, or his little henchchildren are sick. I should give him a break.

- Never take your girlfriend to a drug deal.

- When the buddy who doesn't flake out on you gets blown up, maybe you should be screaming like a girl for him instead of crying out for the pal that shows up late. 

- "Sorry, but I was playing strip poker with trashy women" is never a good excuse.

-  I love the banner for the I Have A Dream Beauty pageant. Straight out of a county fair. I'm pretty sure that dream didn't involve being leered at by the director's buddies. Thanks for the sponsorship 7-Up!

- Nice of the director to read lines for the beauty pageant guy so he'll  know what to say on the phone.

-Why was the hero of this video a drug dealer?! Are we suppose to sympathize with the roided out German sounding drug dealer?! I was really hoping for a sequel that starred am Italian legless money launderer who has to run one last pyramid scheme before being double crossed by actual Egyptians who want to put the money in a real pyramid. Since it's Vegas, the Pyramid will be headlined by Frank Sinatra Jr....and James Van Patten.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

American Commando Ninja (1988)

American Commando Ninja (1988)
Director: Lo Gio
Stars: Martin Chan, Daniel Garfield, Yolanda Kuk

You see the name listed as director? Don't be fooled my friends. Looking up Lo Gio only brings up two credits...this film and one from 1974. I almost gave Joseph Lai the benefit of the doubt that he had employed another hack to make his films but then in the closing credits I saw it...Story by Godfrey Ho.

I'm 100% convinced I just suffered through another Goddamn Godfrey Ho crapfest.

This movie is a rare one, as it's really one of the only martial arts films that was shot on video. Yep, not only is Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai involved, but they brought their camcorders with them. 

The "story" concerns a scientist with a germ warfare formula and several groups of people that are trying to retrieve said formula. They include a white guy in an office with a circus clown for a girlfriend, a crazy uncle with his own army and two nieces fighting over who will have the ugliest haircut, and a ninja and his new found bromance who are the heroes of this story. The two guys are named Larry and David. Please, curb your enthusiasm.

Unlike most of these films, it doesn't star Richard Harrison and it isn't made up with half a decent movie and half a movie where white guys run around with headbands that say "ninja" on them. But even without those obstacles,  these guys manage to make a film that's completely fucking incoherent. Now that's talent.

Things I Took From American Commando Ninja

- Wise advice from this movie "never trust a scientist". That's why I know Jupiter's gonna crash into us any day now. Just you wait, assholes.

- If you know someone has a homing device on him, take the coat with the device on it and throwing it 20 feet isn't going to throw the bad guys off much. Maybe irritate them a bit though.

- Why is this girl wearing confederate flag shorts?

- Speaking of shorts, why the hell is everyone wearing short shorts. It looks like half the cast is only wearing a shirt and it creeps me out. 

-And while I'm on the subject, whoever was the costume designer on this film should be put out back and shot. Lime green pants, tons of daisy dukes, and shirts of many neon colors. It's like the late 80's surf craze threw up on everyone.

- Apparently a mysterious form of martial arts is called...and I shit you not...Hocus Pocus. This ancient technique includes blow fire out of your fingertips and pulling a rabbit out of your hat...but a rabbit with a katana sword.

- I like when the uncle yells at one of the heroes about being too young to know suffering. "In our day, it was either starve or eat another person, and we LIKED IT!"

- Look out for the "Tusken Raider in Star Wars" tribute every time some fires a gun more than once. Also dig those magically appearing ninja stars.

- One of the girls is so stupid, she thinks her parents were killed during world war 2, despite being maybe 25 years old. Someone's getting an F in history.

- I was going to make a joke about how the final battle looks like it takes place on a giant playground until I realized it actually WAS being fought on a giant playground! 

- The final scene is sweet, when Larry and David do the patented bro handshake and gaze into each other's eyes, holding back their true feelings. You don't believe me? The whole movie's on youtube. Go watch it and see. I expect an apology.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Blood Freak (1972)

Blood Freak (1972)
Directors: Brad F. Ginter, Steve Hawkes
Stars: Steve Hawkes, Dana Cullivan, Heather Hughes

Bad films seem to somehow find their way into my life, and disappointingly, onto my television. Take last night for example. I was all set to watch something that didn't make me want to pray to the little girl from the Visitor to send her pet bird to peck my eyes out. I decided to let my beautiful wife, who likes to watch "real" films (you know, ones with budgets, real actors, and sets not made from children's materials) pick the movie.

"There's a movie I've been wanting you to see for a couple years now" She said. usually her film choices are ones that I resist, but later had to admit to being fun to watch. I WAS a little suspicious however when she started handing me beer bottles to drink before the movie started.

Now I know why. I got hookwinked into an awful movie.

Blood Freak is a regional horror film from Florida about Herschell, a big biker guy who looks and acts like a proto Tommy Wiseau, hanging out with a bible quoting babe and her sister, who likes to do biblical things with Herschell. After hooking up with the drug happy sister, Herschell goes to work on some guy's turkey farm. Not really sure what the hell kind of turkey farm this is, because there are two "scientists" who ask Herschell to eat a whole turkey injected with some strange chemical they are working on. The Hersch devours the turkey, and before you know it he's a giant turkey headed freak.

Will Turkey Hersch still get him some of that sweet lovin? Will his unusual turkey crazed lust for blood be sated?  Or is he doomed to be chased around by the Butterball people each November? 

Things I've Learned/Suffered from Watching Blood Freak

- I know this had a budget of 15 bucks, but wasn't there a better choice for a scientist than the bastard Hee Haw love child of Roy Clark and Junior Samples?

- Although I'm sure drug dealers want to look cool like the rest of us, if your haircut consists of greaser in the back and a 12 head in the front, you might want to see a different stylist. The Chinese Fonzie monk look just ain't workin'.

- I like how the movie makes you think the bible quoting lady is the main gal of the film when, SWERVE, it's her drug addicted sister! Because the star of the film (who also co-wrote and co-directed) couldn't spell heroine correctly.

- It is a social faux pas to call someone a tramp at a swinging drug party. They worked hard to put together this party of sex and drugs and you have to be the turd in the punchbowl.

- Turkeyhead Hersch has to be seen to be believed. It's like someone saw a turkey once, and then decided he should look like a chicken/owl hybrid instead. 

- While Hersch was rude at your party, it does NOT mean you can invite your friends over and take a gander at your sideshow boyfriend. At least make them keep the stuffing and the cranberries in the car.

- Want to be in the film but all the good parts are taken? Just make yourself the narrator and you too can play God. PULL ZE STRINGS!

If you don't want to be spoiled: read no further.

- This movie, despite the many MANY flaws, was an almost enjoyable piece of crap. Turkeyhead hersch was killing folks and his girlfriend showed her butt. Too bad that they decide that this wasn't a crazy monster slasher, but an anti drug/pro Jesus film! I'm pro Jesus, sure, but unless he's fighting off Turkeyhead Hersch, I'd rather not have him thrown into the mix for no reason. Don't pretend that his mutation and killing spree was nothing more than a long ass hallucination! I don't care if he kicks the habit and rejoins his stupid girlf friend! I want her to have to blast his damn turkeyneck off and serve him for dinner to all her stoner friends while they watch Up In Smoke for the 400th time! ARRRGHHH!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Body Rock (1984)

Body Rock (1984)
Director: Marcelo Epstein
Stars: Lorenzo Lamas, Ray Sharkey, Michelle Nicastro

I realize that a review consisting of a picture of me with my jaw dropped wasn't going to cut it, so I had to compose myself to be able to talk about this insane film.

Chilly D (Lamas) heads up a crew of various rappers, breakdancers, and DJ's called the Body Rock. Chilly is just your classic, clean cut guy with a fast mouth, a good look, and an allergy to sleeves. When Chilly gets a new nightclub manager to come see Body Rock's show, he's upset that the guy only wants him. But roll him up in blacklit toilet paper, give him a rich but vacant sugar mama, and bedazzled his face, and Chilly dumps his friends like people do DVD's of Renegade. But since that happens after the first half hour, you know it's gonna turn to shit.

Watching this, it was like someone saw Breakin', thought "Hey, we can do this kind of movie too" and then someone else ran in and yelled "put in lots of musical style numbers!" to make it instantly uncool.

Will Chilly D realize that dumping his friends isn't cool? Will the girl he's sweet on be OK that he's dating a moronic socialite? Why is there an 12 year old kid working in a nightclub? Why is Meat from the Porky's movies playing a bouncer? Go watch it yourself...I'm not sitting through that again!

Things I Took From Body Rock

- If you watch this film, the first 30 minutes seem almost normal. Then around the 35 minute mark, it turns into a world of What The Fuckery.

- Look Lorenzo, I know you want people to go see you perform at the club, but I don't think breaking the fourth wall and asking the viewer to go is the best way to go about it.

- They bedazzled Lorenzo's face for a musical number. Not a little bit of glitter, but actual rhinestones forming on his face. No clue why he's not taken seriously.

- At one point I thought "This couldn't get any weirder". Trying to prove me wrong, the movie takes Chilly and his new rich buddies and have them go to a gay bar. Hey Chilly, you just had rhinestones on your face, don't try to act macho when the Robert Duvall looking guy who's bankrolling you wants a little tongue action. Damn prude.

- At one point early in the film, Chilly is dressed up exactly like Ken in Street Fighter 2. HaDORKen!

- Never ask Chilly to help you get into a place. No matter how many times I told them I was with Chilly, the Applebees people made me hold one of those vibrating coasters anyway. It felt good in my pants. What? Like you never did that.

- There's a deeper message in this movie, and it's one that I haven't seen talked about anywhere. I'm talking about sleeves. Let me explain. When we see Chilly, every article of clothing is missing sleeves. This is to show that he's a simple man, with simple pleasures like hanging with his buddies and performing some of the worst raps ever written by an 8 year old. But once he's lured into more expensive tastes, he's wearing sleeves like they're going out of style. Long sleeves, shorts sleeves, you got a sleeve, and he'll conform to wear it. Sure he's sleeveless on stage, but that's just him "frontin" as the kids never say. It's only after the inevitable downfall that he realizes that those sleeves were choking him, constricting the talent that he may have hiding in his armpits. So off those sleeves went and the happier he got. Still looking for the talent though.

I had to put a clip to this, and if anything sums up the insanity and awfulness that is Body Rock, this is it.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)
Director: Nick Millard
Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)

Marley's Revenge: The Monster Movie (1989)
Director: Jet Eller
Stars: Donny Broom. Alvin Johnson, A Wicked Alligator Man puppet

For the first film of Awful Movie Month, I picked something I have never heard of before. All I knew was that the premise sounded funny to me. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a "so bad it's good" kinda film or simply a "please God kill me now" kind of film. Thankfully, it's the former.

This film is about two goofy friends named Gary and Alan, who are trying to get Gary's aunt and uncle safely to North Carolina. This plan turns to shit when a gang of redneck vigilantes, led by the stereotypical sheriff, kidnap the bumbling duo and try to kill them. When Gary's aunt dies at the hands of these bastards, Uncle Marley takes revenge...and that revenge is spelled V-O-O-D-O-O.

Marley brings back all the dead drug dealers these assholes have killed, along with a giant gator man /monster, to extract revenge. Yep, we're dealing with redneck zombies.

Things I've Learned/Took From Marley's Revenge

- Contrary to popular belief, Africa Dan is NOT based on me. I've never been to Africa. Now Kentucky Dan...that's me to a tee. I can teach you how to survive on Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi. 

- Why does the aunt, who is American, speak with that generic Haiti accent?

- This movie proves that funny bumper stickers aren't just for cars. Shit Happens indeed, you wise ol' cooler.

- There were so many badly dubbed people, I thought this was an Italian flick at first. Or maybe a Godfrey Ho movie.

- Despite the awfulness of this film, the alligator monster puppet is pretty damn impressive. Not scary in the slightest, but impressive nonetheless. 

- If you ever encounter a southern redneck zombie, remember two words...Moon Pie.

- Nurses in insane asylums think that staring into corners of room is pretty damn sexy. So start staring!

-Since I started off pretty safe (this movie is terrible, but fun), that means that the next film is gonna hurt...a lot.

- If you have two local DJ's mock your movie, it's only fair that they have to eat themselves.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Awful Movie Month is Here!

As you can tell by the frightened eyes of John Wintergate, you have entered the Wide Weird World of CRAP Films. All through November, I will be enduring some of the worst films ever put on celluloid, VHS, DV, or someone drawing pictures on duct tape. Some may be entertaining exploits, other will make me wear my eyeballs as earrings. But all watched for the sake of your entertainment.

Come feel the pain with me all month. I may even post clips, if I'm not under the kitchen table in the fetal position crying.