Friday, December 20, 2013

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
Director: Michael Cooney
Stars: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Scott MacDonald

So you thought the shower raping killer snowman was gone? WRONG! It seems the goverment can't leave shit well enough alone and dig up the antifreeze containing our watery villain. Some dipshit spills coffe on him and for some fucking reason, he returns to kill.

The Sheriff from the first movie is going on vacation with his wife, his pal Joe, and his annoying to the 13th degree soon to be wife. They arrive at a tropical island but having loser radar, ol' Jack finds his way to the island as well.

I have to admit something...I've never seen the first Jack Frost. It's not that I've never had the's just I try to avoid movies that everyone else gush on about (even for how bad it is). I mean, yeah, I liked the Room but Birdemic was a boring piece of shit and was hard to sit through even with the Rifftrax commentary. So when I saw the trailer for this on youtube, I thought "why the hell not". Then I thought "I wonder if I'm the only person who enjoys Bac-os on their own". Then my wife tells me to shut up because I've been saying that shit out loud instead of thinking.

Six Things I've Learned from Jack Frost 2

1. If you work at a place where the owner wears a safai suit 24/7, the security guy looks like a chubby Snake Plisken, and your coworker is Captain Fun, I'd look for the nearest icicle to impale myself on.

2. I have to reluctantly admit, this is a pretty fun movie. It doesn't take itself seriously, and it doesn't beat you over the head with jokes aimed at people with the IQ of a 3 week dead squid. The ice cube to the nipples scene is a real highlight for horror comedy that actually works.

3. I'm always amused when there are nude scenes in a film and they go out of their way to cut out any of the lower nudity. I'm sure it's because the actress doesn't want her golden vagina to be on display, but I like to imagine that the director was morally against showing it. " Bare breasts are fine, but I will NOT sully the good name of Jack Frost with the showing of baby incubators!"

4. I could tell this was set at Christmas because when the resort bus unloaded, I counted four main morons, three dumb bimbos, two stupid jocks, and a gay man stereotype.

5. Dear God was seeing Captain Fun get an icicle in the face one of life's simple pleasures. I rewound and watched that scene a good 15-20 times. I...have issues.

6. On a tragically sad but morbidly funny note, star Christopher Allport was killed in an avalanche. Yes, lots of snow. I'm not always the best judge of it, but I "think" that might go in the irony files.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Witchtrap (1989)

Witchtrap (1989)
Director: Kevin Tenney
Stars: James W. Quinn, Linnea Quigley, Kathleen Bailey

Some asshole hires a team of paranormal researchers to investigate a haunted mansion he owns and plans on turning into a bed and breakfast. He also hires the worst security team to watch over them and make terrible wisecracks. There's also a weird religious nutjob psychic that's part of the paranormal group, and she seems to have an orgasm every time this evil spirit decides to off somebody. I'll have what she's having.

So Avery Lauder, formerly a living warlock, now a dead one, sees his chance to become breathing once again by finishing some satanic ceremony that will allow him to enter the psychic (he'll call her afterwards, he promises) and just be unpleasant to be around.

I'm not sure how to feel about this movie. The acting is terrible all the way through, and the dialogue ridiculous, but it was a well shot movie and it even had a decent effect or two. Not too terrible to mock mercilessly (though I'll try) and not good enough to praise. At least Linnea Quigley gets newd. 

I did like how they kept saying that this wasn't a sequel to the director's other movie Witchboard. No, just because you have the same bad guy with the same look and a different name is merely a coincidence.

Six Things I've Learned from Witchtrap

1. I heard the psychic lady won third place in the Joan Cusak lookalike contest. No truth to the rumor that John Cusak popped a boner watching this.

2. If a door reaches out to you with arms open wide, don't fall for it. Doors don't hug. DOORS DON'T HUG!

3. Yes, this film has some of the most stilted line readings of all time, but nothing compares to the speech the psychic gives to our hero Tony Vincetti. He don't believe in God, she does. She proceeds to tell him the story of why she believes, but she says it in a way that no normal human being would ever say least not in this century. Lines like "As the salt water quickly enveloped the world around me, I sank into a dark peaceful cocoon" are grounds for the screenwriter to be force fed his own script page by page.

4. I know they tried to make the hero detective likable, but the odd way he would insult people, and the pure cruelty behind some of those insults makes him seem more like a douchebag with a gun. The head of the security firm alone deals with the guy calling him inbred, spineless, and a quicker boss dicker licker upper. There's a point where someone goes from being a smartass to being an asshole and this guy leaps over that line like a pole vaulter.

5. If an evil spirit has possession of your loved one, it is not advisable to taunt the evil spirit by saying that loved one will reveal the spirit's dark secret. Don't take a psychic to know that exploding heads and large cleaning bills will be in your future.

6. Something that's always bothered me in horror know the scene where someone is standing still with their back turned to the camera and somebody slowly walks up to them, taps em on the shoulder, and it's a hideous/evil monster/demon? Those people are well aware that something bad's happened to this person, and the evil being isn't making any effort to turn why doesn't the moron tapping monsters just go home? The creature's WAITING for that tap, and if it doesn't come they might not be able to turn around. Maybe THAT'S the weakness. Let the jackass stand there for eternity waiting for me, I'll be home drinking a beer playing the Xbox.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Surburban Sasquatch (2004)

Surburban Sasquatch (2004)
Director: Dave Wascavage
Stars: Sue Lynn Sanchez, Bill Ushler, Dave Bonvita

I love this terrible movie.

The plot, what little of it there is, concerns a giant angry and hungry Sasquatch going around disappearing and reappearing to rip off the same arm over and over and kill people. Two cops, a not the least bit native american female warrior, and the saddest excuse of a writer all try to destroy this unstoppable beast.

So this movie has a combination of bad practical effects mixed in with the worst CGI since Birdemic. There's such ridiculous effects like the worst explosion ever, a sentient net cast over the Sasquatch, and an exploding door even though you can see the real door opened. I guess having two doors would protect you more.

There is so much wrong with this movie but it does the one thing that I ask of any entertains me. Not always in the way they intended, but this is a really enjoyable film. They could have knocked off about 15 minutes and made the hero less of a pansy ass, but those are minor squibbles to seeing some guy get his head squished or a little foo foo dog get torn in half.

This is one of those films I feel that should get more attention. It's the perfect midnight movie, ready to be riffed and not at all dull like that piece of shit Birdemic is. I think films like this should be seen in an actual theater because this is one of those movies that demands crowd participation.

Maybe I'm just insane.

Instead of my usual "Six Things" deal, I'm going to do what I did with Alien Beasts and give you guys and gals a little highlight reel of this fanfuckingtastic movie. Enjoy!

You can buy the movie like I did (via the Depraved Degenerates Six Pack from Pendulum) or you can buy it cheap right from the director himself HERE

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)

Hunters of the Golden Cobra (1982)
Director: Antonio Margheriti
Stars: David Warbeck, Almanta Suska, John Steiner

In this Italian Indiana Jones ripoff, our hero Bob Jackson (yes, that's his name) and Captain Dave his British bastard of a friend are chasing down a double traitor American spy in 1944. The guy's plane crashes and Jackson parachutes down to see if he's alive. He is, but not for long as savages turn him into a goant pincushion. Jackson gets one for good measure, but is oddly saved by a pretty white girl that the savages seem to obey.

A year later, Captain Dave tracks down Bob in the Philippines (well, that's what it looked like anyway) and offers him a shitload of money (for 1945) to track down what the spy was searching for...the mysterious Ark of the Covenant Golden Cobra.

Along the way, the guys are joined up by this creepy Jack Elan type "archeilogist" and his niece, who is the exact double for the girl who saved Bob a year earlier! Turns out  it's her twin sister, who went with her parents on a missionary trip never to return. The sexual spark between the niece and Bob would be equal to running your feet across carpet and touching your buddy (another person, not your penis).

Captain Dave is killed in an explosion, and the other three explorers set out for the treasure. Do they find it? Will they keep it? Will that mysterious man who keeps appearing in the flames come over here and start my grill? I want me some hot dogs damn it.

Six Things I've Learned From Hunters of the Golden Cobra

1. Savages will worship the hell out of a pretty white girl who dresses like a valley girl.

2. Captain Dave is the biggest damn asshole in this movie. sure he saves the day, but he pretty much forces Bob into all these situations that put him in danger and makes him do ridiculous faces. If I was Bob, I'd punch him in the face in a cock fight arena as well. Maybe a cock punch for good measure.

3. Captain Dave finds Bob at a cock fight "arena", where these two dicks start a fight. I think that people who frequent these places are actually looking for a reason to fight, but don't want to be the ones who start it because they don't want to appear like assholes. But if some random guy falls on your table and spills your beer, it's fair game. There's always etiquette. For a good example, see Roadhouse.

4. !945 Philippines was really ahead of it's time. Not only do they have modern automatic guns, but in one scene I see a guy wearing bell bottoms! Truly before their time.

5. This is one of the better Indiana Jones ripoffs as it uses some of the sequences in random order to try to throw people off. I spotted the being chased to the plane in the water by svages scenes, the kidnapping in a busy marketplace scene, the fight at the airplane strip scene, and the scene where Indy and Marion are surrounded by snakes....only here it's like 5 snakes and some assholes with tiki torches.

6. Why did they name the hero Bob Jackson!? If you're going to make an adventure film where the guy is rising his life constantly and having savages and old men covered in flames following you, you don't name your hero something that you could find in the phone book under Accountants! Spice it up a bit. Call him U.S. Jackson or Reno Monroe or Nevada Neidermeyer. Anything is better than BOB.

Monday, December 9, 2013

The Hand (1981)

The Hand (1981)
Director: Oliver Stone
Stars: Michael Caine, Andrea Marcovicci, Bruce McGill

In the past day or so, my wife and I watched this movie and Fatty Drives the Bus. Normally, you'd see me reviewing Fatty while she takes on the more "highbrow" stuff. Oh not today my friend. She took the honors on reviewing Fatty here, while I dig into some pre conspiracy lovin' Oliver Stone.

I sort of remember seeing this movie around 1983 or '84 on one of the pay channels. That would make me around 6 or 7. Obviously a good age for someone to be watching a movie about a killer severed hand. No wonder I'm so weird.

Michael Caine plays Jonathan Lansdale, the creator of the popular comic strip Mandro (or Mondro...I'm not sure). An argument with his wife in the family car ends up costing him his right hand. Life goes on, and he gets fitted with what looks like a cross between Luke's hand in Return of the Jedi and part of the Terminator. Shockingly, his wife starts showing signs of having an affair with some touchy feely yoga douchebag despite having a cyborg for a husband.

While the wife and kid stay in New York, Lansdale goes to California to teach at a small college. He buddies up with another teacher there played by D-Day from Animal House and starts boning the supermarket checkout girl. But unbeknownst to him, his severed hand decided to tag along like a devoted pet and help kill those who have wronged Jonathan.

When Jonathan's wife and kid come down to visit, the marriage falls apart and the hand gets pissed. It'd be like if Thing from the Addams Family decided to strangle the kid who kept wanting his two dollars instead of just flipping him off.

I think this film is pretty underrated as far as horror/thrillers go. It's not Stone's best work, but he shows that the talent was there, even when the box office wasn't.

Six Things I've Learned From The Hand

1. While Michael Caine is a charming almost handsome man, he should get the lifetime award for having the worst hairstyle of any leading man alive.

2. I was very disappointed that Michael Caine didn't grab a cup, crush it with his metal hand, and say "Groovy". I expect too much from my movies I guess.

3. Look, if you don't want people putting dead bodies in the trunk, then you shouldn't make trunks the perfect size to put dead bodies in. I'm just sayin'.

4. I got to admit I was a little disturbed to see Annie McEnroe play a hot young woman gleefully whipping off her clothes. Not that I minded, hey she's got nice hooters, but I wasn't expecting to see Kay Culver from True Stories getting nude here.

5. Apparently, classes at small colleges are held in somebody's attic.

6. I'm going to spoil this 32 year old movie and tell you that there's no severed's Jonathan gone crazy and killing folks without him realizing it. But why does he go crazy? His wife. She tries to pass the truck on the road on a curve and ends up getting the man's fucking hand cut off and shot into a field. Gee, a cartoonist without a hand is like a fluffer with morals...completely worthless. On top of that, she starts bringing this touchy feely asshole yoga instructor to their apartment. And let me give you ladies a Protip matter how much you say how great the guy is, we're never going to like him because we know he either wants to or IS tapping your ass. So don't try.

Anyway, she brainwashes their kid to call the guy "Uncle", the codeword for "Mommy's Boyfriend". So Jonathan is distraught and goes across the country to get away from her. Yeah, he ends up having an affair of his own, but then he finds out the girl he's sleeping with is going off to LA to bang Bruce Fucking McGill. God damn Jonathan Lansdale can't fucking win for trying. So he snaps and kills them both, not realizing he's doing it. He tries to kill his wife, but that damn kid stops him. 

His damn wife ruins his life and we're suppose to feel sorry for HER? Fuck that noise. SHE made him a killer and I hope she spends the rest of her fictional life realizing that if she hadn't been a bitch and just told him she wanted a divorce instead of playing chicken on the road, maybe Jonathan wouldn't have turned into a fucking looney tune. 

I need a drink.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Fist Fighter (1989)

Fist Fighter (1989)
Director: Frank Zuniga
Stars: Jorge "George" Rivero, Edward Albert, Brenda Bakke

CJ Thunderbird, which is either the coolest name in the world or an extremely cheap brand of malt liquor, travels to South America to fight a champion bare knuckles fighter named Rhino. Why you might ask? Let's test your action movie knowledge.

A. To avenge the death of his friend
B. Because Rhino raped and killed one of Thunderbird's relatives
C. Bitch owed him like ten bucks
D. Because he was infringing on CJ's titty bouncing copyright

While choice B is a pretty good staple of the genre, the right answer is A. Those of you that chose D make me ashamed. My head is slowly turning from side to side in disapproval as I type. I better stop cause this is making it hard to type.

So Rhino is there in South America, managed by the town's resident Brad Wesley, Billy Vance (played here by a post Mannix Mike Connors). After CJ starts whipping Rhino's ass, Vance has the police stop the fight. Thunderbird, not backing down or emoting in the least, is helped out by Punchy (Albert), an ex boxer/currently con man with one leg to stand on, and Ellen (Bakke) playing the Kelly Lynch role...which means she's gonna get some Thunderbird in her. I made myself a little ill typing that.

Vance knows that Rhino can't beat Thunderbird, so he arranges for CJ to be put in prison. There he becomes friends with his gay cellmate (we know he is gay by his bright pink outfit), fight a big ol' hairy mutant of a prisoner called the Beast (in a cage match no less), and catches the attention of the prison warden, who hates Vance.

Will CJ Thunderbird go on to finally avenge the death of his friend who we never get any sort of information about? Well of course he'd have to have an IQ of four to not realize that.

Six Things I've Learned from Fist Fighter

1. Vance, Rhino, and the corrupt police captain are always seen hanging out together. I bet there were some wacky adventures going on with those guys while we watched Thunderbird and Punchy (a great TV show title by the way) train. I bet they went out and did karaoke a lot. I wonder what Rhino sang. I bet it was Hungry Eyes.

2. I'm not sure whose boobs are bigger...Bakke's or Jorge Rivero's. Both pretty hot.

3. If you want to help your best friend find out his enemy's weakness, going out and getting the ever loving shit beat out of you until you die days later is probably not the best way to go about it. Hire someone and get them to write you a report with their good hand instead. Smart AND safe.

4. This:

5. There's a great scene at the beginning where Thunderbird takes on Superstar Billy Graham (the steroid-ed wrestler, not the steroid-ed preacher) in an arm wrestling contest and beats him. The bro code states in section 12 paragraph 8 that "if one man is beaten by another man fairly in a competitive event, the loser must gather as many of his out of shape buddies to get their asses kicked by the winner as well". Hey, it's in the rules.

6. Jorge Rivero is awesome. Most of you know him best as Uri, the hairstyle changing bastard from that awful movie Werewolf. Here he plays a hero so stoic, I was afraid he'd end up outside of a souvenir  store in Phoenix. He reacts the same way for EVERYTHING. Friend dies? Stoic. Having sex? Stoic. Stuck in prison in a tiny solitary confinement box? Mother fucking stoic to the max. I hope to review Conquest, his Fulci directed sword and sorcery epic, soon.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Mankillers (1987)

Mankillers (1987)
Director: David A. Prior
Stars: Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, Edy Williams, Lynda Aldon

An ex CIA agent is in the drug running/ cheerleader type girl smuggling business with his partner, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes. The CIA sends the renegade agent's ex lover Rachael (and also an agent) out to get him. She has a personal vendetta because her ex beau decided to put a slug in her buxom chest a few years back.

Rachael assembles a team entirely of women to take out the renegade's band of morons, jerks, and feebs. Lots of squibs a flying in this one. Fun note, they filmed this back to back with the "wonderful" Ted Prior vehicle Deadly Prey. Oh joy.

Six Things I've Learned from Mankillers

1. I have decided to make a holiday where we hang up papier-mâché versions of Edd Kookie Byrnes, blindfolding someone holding a knife (a butter knife and staying 100 feet away would suffice), have them stab Kookie in his papier-mâché dick until candy comes out. I'd call it "Let's Stab Kookie in the Dick" Day. I'm...still working on the name.

2. The team of female prisoners included the gum chewing bad girl, girl, the asian girl, and....ummm...the others. They literally gave all the personality to one girl. Out of ten. Way to hog the spotlight lady!

3. I enjoyed the fact that EVERY SINGLE GUY KILLED used the same "uhhh!" sound. It's like the Wilhelm scream, only every five seconds for forty five minutes.

4. Female prisons are only filled with buxom scantily clad beauties, just like every men's prison are filled with guys who want to put it in your butt for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Those are small cigarettes. Your anal virginity isn't even worth a filter.

5. The lead villain in this looks like a deranged John Holmes...only without the charm...or the third leg.

6. So here's my big complaint on this movie. Your lead actress is an attractive big breasted woman. She assembles a team of large breasted women. Not only that, but she recruited them from fucking prison! She then dressed them up in the most skimpy camouflage gear known to man or bikini model. So why, if you have all of these elements together, DO YOU NOT SHOW ANY FUCKING NUDITY FROM THESE WOMEN WHATSOEVER!? There's nothing, nada from these women. No full frontal, no titties, not even a goddamn buttcrack is shown! What happened? Was someone (as my wife put it) supposed to be the designated "titty lady" but they kept trying to put it on the other girls? Lord knows they weren't hired for their acting ability or fucking personalities. EDY WILLIAMS, A PERSON WHO WILL TAKE IT OFF EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT HER TO, DIDN'T GET NUDE! What the fuck movie...just What. The. Fuck.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Iced (1988)

Iced (1988)
Director:  Jeff Kwitny
Stars: Lisa Loring, Debra De Liso, Doug Stevenson

Jeff, who is head over heels in love with some girl ends up dying in a skiing accident. Four or five years later, the girl, her husband and their friends all show up at this cabin to reunite. But wait! Somebody is killing off these fine folks! Has the deceased Jeff returned...or has somebody else decided to take revenge for him? I think you can figure it out on your own.

This isn't a bad movie by any stretch, just one riddled with plotholes. After Eddie, the Freddy Mercury lookalike is killed, he calls his girlfriend Jeanette (Lisa Loring) and tells her he's with Jeff, who is of course dead. Maybe it's a tiny spoiler, but the killer is IN the same room so how did they pull this off and who was doing Eddie's voice? Don't bother finding out cause it's never explained.

It's a typical slasher film with some real unlikable characters. It's nothing groundbreaking, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Plus, hey, at least I got to see Wednesday Addams all grown up and nude in a hot tub. Had to overlook the big hair, but otherwise that was quite enjoyable for me. Thumbs up.

Six Things I've Learned from Iced 

1. The final girl here has a terrible disorder. Whenever she steps foot into a kitchen, she is compelled to do exercises. She does cook a mean steak in the rec room though.

2. If you want to impress a girl, skiing off a small cliff chest first into some rocks might make a better plan B.

3. If you must do cocaine, it's always best to do it buck ass naked.

4. There is very little gore in this movie, but at least the killer is creative with his methods. Icicles, the old heater in a hot tub and a ski in neckonomy are all in his bag of tricks.

5. It's bad manners to make out with your realtor in front of your friends. Wait until at least three of your friends have left the room first.

6. The twist within a twist is perhaps one of the most laughably insane things I've seen. After the killer is dispatched (won't reveal who it is, but it ain't hard to figure out) we cut to "five years later". Our happy final couple are enjoying some time in the woods with their two children building the worst snowman I've ever seen. Trina, our final girl, puts on the last coal eye, which then starts to bleed. Then suddenly, our killer bursts out of the snowman. Five years later. After getting shot in the face. Hiding in some kids' shitty snowman. That is one dedicated killer.