15 Underrated Villains #15: The Tall Man (Phantasm)

My first entry on this list is a bit of a strange case. A lot of people talk about how beloved the Tall Man is, and I agree he is. But while there's been four (soon to be five) Phantasm movies, outside of cult audiences, Tall Man doesn't get a lot of love.

I first heard about the Tall Man when I first got into horror movies in the late 80's. I would religiously buy Fangoria, and to their credit they pushed the hell out of him in their pages. I always saw him as the tier below the big group, along with the Leprechaun, Candyman, and someone else you'll be seeing on this list. There's nothing wrong with being slightly below guys like Leatherface obviously, but if someone wants to expand their horror knowledge, this is the guy to start with.

The Tall Man, to the best of my knowledge (and it does get a bit murky as the films get a bit more convoluted) is an inter-dimensional alien who steals people, makes them Jawa sized, and uses them as slaves. Now what occupation best serves that purpose? No, not carnival worker you asshole, but a mortician. Things seem to be going to plan for ol' Tally until he catches the attention of nosy kid Mike, who catches the Tall Man casually tossing a loaded coffin into a hearse single handed. Of course being a kid Mike has to investigate further, and ends up pissing the big guy off.

I admit I haven't seen part four (Oblivion), but the first and to a lesser extent the second film are really required viewing. It's very disorienting not knowing what's real and what isn't. A big part of what makes the Tall Man work is Angus Scrimm, who is absolutely terrifying in the role.

And now what you guys want to see...video footage of the Tall man. I thought this scene was a perfect example of why I put Tall man on the list. Nothing worse than seeing a giant angry looking alien casually stroll down the street.

Satan Hates You (2010)

Satan Hates You (2010)

Director: James Felix McKenney

Stars: Don Wood, Christine Spencer, Angus Scrimm

As a child, we didn't have a whole lot of money. Trips to restaurants were considered a special occasion, and trips to the theater were usually out of the question. Except one place...

Bowling Green had a free christian drive in.

It's long gone now, as are most drive in sadly, but this was a place my family would take us when we would whine about going to movies. It's not that they were religious fanatics or anything...it was just a way to get us out of the house for a few hours. They never realized that they were pushing me towards christian scare films.

Christian scare films are those they show the danger of leading an immoral life. They still exist today in the form of Left Behind and The Omega Code movies, but it's a hell of a lot tamer. The ones we were shown were such classicks as A Thief in the Night and my personal nightmare fuel, The Burning Hell. My parents meant well, but look at this and tell me this would make a person sane.

 

Anyway, this films parodies these types of films (along with Jack Chick tracts...I'll save that for another time). Marc and  Wendy are two people jetpacking on the road to hell. Wendy, with her random sex and constant drug use, and Marc with his lust for men and his bad habit of killing people. 

A couple of demons are watching their progress, making sure they do all the wrong things along the way, even though forces are working against them in the awesome form of Angus Scrimm and Debbie Rochon. I don't wanna spoil it, but God wins.

Michael Berryman is adorable. Why haven't they come out with Berryman plushies is beyond me.

Six Things I've Learned from Satan Hates You

1. If the ugly lesbian wants to play on the Ouija board and call up Satan, be sure that you put your soul someplace safe...like in a mason jar or perhaps one of those mini safes that you have to have a combination for. Oh and don't do coke.

2. Abortion clinics must take place in what looks to be the sewers. I heard the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had to move because of all the screaming.

3. Angus Scrimm continues to be the coolest guy in movies. Evil alien or gentle soul saver, he knocks it out of the park every time.

4. I watched one of the director's other movies, The Off Season, before watching this. The Off Season was ho-hum, but this one was just great. Both films have the same cast, but while I hated Don Wood's work in Off Season, I loved his nutso character here. If you have to watch one movie with the same cast, pick Satan Hates You.

5. Don't pick a fight with Reggie Bannister. You'll lose. Every damn time.

6. People on IMDb are a bunch of fucking morons. I seriously wonder how anyone with a working brain stem can take this movie seriously. I get not knowing Jack Chick tracts, but this movie is beyond over the top that lobotomy patients would know what this is. I somehow blame Seltzer and Friedberg for dumbing down people enough that they have to be spoonfed jokes like they're a bunch of drooling babies. I have an idea for a movie..it's call The Kick Seltzer and Friedberg In The Nuts Until They Come Out of Their Mouths Movie. I'm sure it'd get a higher Rotten Tomato Rating.