Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Fatal Exposure (1989)


Fatal Exposure (1989)
Director: Peter B. Good
Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Renee Cline

As you can see right above me, this review is for the 2014 Gore-A-Thon. Now when I was asked to do this, I checked out what everyone else was doing. They were doing some really good, really gory movies. So I decided that instead of leaning towards masters like Fulci and Argento, I went with what I can only speculate as Chuck Berry's favorite director, Peter B. Good.

This shot on video "film" is about the great grandson of Jack the Ripper, only now he's calling himself Jack T. Ripperton. Yeah, that won't raise any suspicion. He's a photographer living in a huge mansion where he takes people pictures along with their lives (and sometimes body parts). Apparently drinking these victims' blood will make you more sexually potent. No wonder Dracula's always got a hard on.

Jack finally meets the girl of his dreams and together they kill of more models...him knowingly, her not so much.What Jack really wants is a Jack Jr. to carry on his legacy murdering folks. That's sweet.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Watch For

- If a serial killer gives you a pop quiz, 99.9% of the time you are going to fail it. By fail, I mean die horribly. Now I wouldn't be pleased with getting murdered, but giving me an exam before dying? That's just sick.

- It's nice that Jack found himself the dumbest woman on the planet to carry his seed. The car radio pretty much has to tell her flat out that her boyfriend's the murderer. Their kid is going to be a murdering moron.

-If you're going to talk to the camera, make sure you do it in your house and not in public. You don't really want other people knowing about your murdering plans. Plan ahead, so your plans don't end up dead. That's nobody's motto.

- The worst way to get someone to go to church is by dressing in sexy lingerie and convincing them with your tongue. It didn't work for me either. I'm no longer allowed in any retirement homes.

- The church lady does however have the best (de)parting line in the movie.

-Jack's girlfriend looks just like his great grandmother. That's not the least bit icky. At all.

- Ok, so you wanna know about the gore. It's kind of a mixed bag, but with me leaning more towards the good. There's decapitation and dismemberment scenes that looks beyond cheesy, but when it comes to acid, this movie is tops. There are several REALLY good acid effects that rivals any Italian horror as far as gore.

Overall I came in expecting another shitty SOV disaterpiece, and instead actually got a really fun flick. I actually forgot about it being on video and wanted to see how things worked out (though I had a clue). The guy playing Jack seems to really enjoy it, and while he toes the line into campy once or twice, he really does a great job playing a charismatic bad guy. The lead actress, while really pretty, is not so good an actress. Nice hooters though. I recommend it for fans of gore and SOV films.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Demon Keeper (1994)

Demon Keeper (1994)
Director: Joe Tornatore
Stars: Edward Albert, Dirk Benedict, Dirk Benedict's bulging eyes

Sometimes I run across a movie that is barely considered a movie running time wise. Most of Nick Millard's "films" clock in at around an hour. Demon Keeper clocks in at 71 minutes including end credits. The difference between these two (besides the fact that Demon keeper actually LOOKS like someone gave a shit...sort of) is that Death Nurse was so loaded with filler, if it was a person it'd be the guy who filled up on the free breadsticks at Olive Garden. This movie however, could have used about 10-15 more minutes because what we have here is a movie that goes all over the place for no reason whatsoever.

The basic story is that Remy (Albert) is a con man who does fake seances to get money from old ladies. Hey, if it works, more power to him. He invites a wealthy old lady and her distrustful son to his house for the weekend, along with a drunk lady and her angry husband, a guy who owes the mob money, and some other random people. Remy's surprised though when Old Lady McMoneybags brings world famous psychic Alexander Harris (Dirk and his eyes) along for the fun. 

What's a fake psychic to do? Oh I know, let's spout off some black magic!

Well of course the shit actually works and the goofiest looking demon ever put upon Earth arrives, inhabiting their bodies and making them kill each other for fun and souls. Does Remy save the day? Does Dirk Benedict save the day? Will the demon (which I've named the Lord of Derp) kill everyone off and watch some football in his tighty whities? It's on youtube, go watch for yourself.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Look Out For

- When Remy's wife calls for the dog, instead of the sweet loving family pet, she ends up with a snarling angry hellbeast. Now this would have scarier had they not decided that they would use a handpuppet so badly made, that it makes the werewolf handpuppet in Werewolf look like a Rick Baker creation.

- Watch for the enjoyable "chasing a deadbeat gambler through a golf course" scene. Not sure how the gambler plans to extort money from Remy, but he needs to before he meets the Embalmer. We never see the Embalmer, but I'm sure he's played by Robert Ginty.

- Burning someone's boob off is not an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do. Except oddly in this case it is. 

- Ever wondered what would happen if you used a thighmaster for 25 years? The guy trying to fuck his wife sure didn't want to know. Snap crackle pop his lower half.

- If you're scary monster looks like something that's wandering around Universal Studios in October, it might be a good idea to not light him as if he's in the spotlight at the Apollo. A little goes a loooong way.

- Also doesn't help when you give the demon such great dialogue like "He wants to kill you!" "You are a drunken pig!" and his delightful catchphrase "KILL HIM/HER! KILL! KILL HIM/HER". He sounds less like a minion of hell and more like a frat boy yelling at a pledge to shave a goat's scrotum.

-Look Dirk, I know this movie doesn't make sense. I know there's more plotholes than a blind man playing Tetris, but you could have put a little more effort in your acting performance. I know you wanted your bulging eyeballs to get most of the credit, but the nice man is paying you to act. At least it's not Bodyslam.

Must have looked at his IMdb.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Candy Colored Nightmares Episode 8!

Get your joints tightened and yourself oiled up. (no we're not wrestling) because Alabaster is dreaming about robots! Helpful robots, killer robots, giant robots, Pink Floyd lovin robots...even a Godfrey Hobot! So get your Transformers (leave the Go-bots at home) and watch!

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Candy Colored Nightmares Episode 7!

Today's fun filled trip through Alabaster's subconscious includes some roller skating tunes, Bruce Lee vs various pop culture icons, cartoons that don't move, and the worst lip syncing ever done by ordinary people. Call now! 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Exterminator 2 (1984)

Exterminator 2 (1984)
Director: Mark Buntzman
Stars: Robert Ginty, Mario Van Peebles, Deborah Geffner

John Eastland hates the same things we all hate....traffic, stepping in dog poop, and stylishly dressed thugs terrorizing the city. But while most of us just bitch about it or write letters to our local papers, Johnny boy is taking action. By action, I mean he's burning bad guys alive with a blowtorch. Can't argue with the success rate though.

In this sequel to the popular Exterminator, Eastland is still hanging out in the city, going to see wanna be Broadway dancers shake their ta-ta's at a dance joint, and cruising the streets with his old buddy in a garbage truck. An idealic life for sure...but Johnny has a way of fucking shit up.

A botch robbery results in an old dead couple. That don't sit well with the exterminator, who proceeds to bar-b-que a couple of the baddies who did it.  This brings him to the attention of X (Van Peebles), who is not amused. He's even more pissed when his brother gets roasted like a smore while the gang plays "dismember the cop on the train tracks". X rages war on the city, and on the Exterminator himself.

There's drug dealing, face melting, boobs swaying, and Robert Ginty attempting to act, despite every fiber in his being telling him not to.

Things I've Learned/Things To Watch Out For

- Look for a young looking Irwin Keyes and Arye Gross in roles as X's minions. Yes, Arye Gross. I'm not intimidated either.

- Robert Ginty has two faces....confused and even more confused.

-This movie has taught me to never trust breakdancers again. They'll only get you paralyzed. Spinning bastards.

- You might think you're being smart by tailing Johnny's trash truck of death, but it's gonna backfire. Oh boy does it ever.

- Enjoy the montage of Johnny adding various weapons to the garbage truck, cut with shots of a thug stuck inside the garbage truck eating spoiled food. It works better than I thought.

-The music here is very good...reminding me of various Italian horror synth scores. However, they must have only paid the guy to create one song, because it is used over and over and over and over again. I do like how he changes the tempo to make it either a heart stopping action score or a tender "let's have sex " score.

- Look, just because you get paralyzed by some thugs doesn't mean you blame your boyfriend for it....even though that's who they were targeting...and you were seen in the garbage truck with him...and he killed the main bad guy's brother. You know what, it IS his damn fault. What a terrible boyfriend.

- Ever notice how thugs in these movies are always stylishly dressed? If these were real thugs, they'd be wearing hand me downs and smell awful. But who wants to see someone get mugged by a guy wearing a "Carter in '80" shirt with holes in it?