American Revenge (1988)

American Revenge (1988)

Director: David Schwartz

Stars: Matt Hannon(!), James Van Patten, A.D. Muyich

I've been waiting for the right time to review this cinematic turkey, and being it's almost Thanksgiving, that time is now.

Jag (Muyich) is just your friendly, bodybuilding, non American drug dealer. He's looking to get out of the business after yet another attempt to kill him, but his pal Mel (Van Patten) sets up one last big deal with Angelo (Hannon) out in the desert. Angelo has other ideas, and tries to kill our heroic drug dealer. It's time for some revenge...AMERICAN REVENGE...although Jag doesn't sound the least bit American. Van Patten does, so I guess there's the American part. You got me on a technicality this time movie.

I tracked this one down simply because it's the only other film (to date) that has Samurai Cop Matt Hannon in it. He channels Stallone a bit too much (he did do bodyguard work for Sly), but I thought he did better as the villain than as Samurai Cop Joe (though he was more entertaining in SC).

The rest of this film is a mess of Vegas shots, old fat guys as henchmen, a leading man who can barely put a sentence together, and a director that I just now (as I'm writing this) realized is the director of that other awful movie I reviewed, Las Vagas Bloodbath. Both movies awful, both oddly enduring.

Things I Got Out of American Revenge

- Fast food places such as Burger King are tremendously bad places to deal in ill gotten jewelry. Those kids may look like royalty with those paper hats, but they'll take off with your loot first chance they get. Little bastards.

- If your right hand man is a fat guy named Tiny that looks like he failed the Roadhouse "fat thug" audition, you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel of henchmen.

- Some odd product placement in this film. I'm not sure that Chevy approved that "Heartbeat of America" hat the drug buyer was wearing. No wonder my Taurus drove me from Georgia to Maine in 5 hours and then crashed for a week.

- When a shootout is happening at the bar you are at, It's important to just stand there with your back to the action. Sure you'll get shot, but no one is gonna spike that drink of yours lady!

- While you are a guest at the home of a sleazy drug dealer surrounded by losers with guns, asking for a cut of the drug money is a serious social faux pas

. Things I heard during Matt Hannon's first scene:

Someone saying "It's me" off camera"

A guy telling someone his wife is worried about the guns at their house

And the director saying "action" in the very next scene

- Hey ladies of the church, you wanna come to Vegas to sin, you gotta be prepared to be stuck in a dingy room with an old guy wearing a fake scar named "Scratch". THAT'S Hell!

- Line from the guy who fucks up the BK jewelry deal AND kidnaps the wrong people "I never make the same mistake twice". YOU JUST FUCKING DID!

- Tiny and Scratch have a scene together taking henchmen business, and they come off like two good buddies hanging out. I would have watched an entire movie about the daily lives of these two henchmen. Too bad Scratch dies like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. 

-  Maybe I was hard on the guy who screws things up. Maybe he used to be a good henchmen but personal issues got in the way. Maybe his mortgage is due, or his little henchchildren are sick. I should give him a break.

- Never take your girlfriend to a drug deal.

- When the buddy who doesn't flake out on you gets blown up, maybe you should be screaming like a girl for him instead of crying out for the pal that shows up late. 

- "Sorry, but I was playing strip poker with trashy women" is never a good excuse.

-  I love the banner for the I Have A Dream Beauty pageant. Straight out of a county fair. I'm pretty sure that dream didn't involve being leered at by the director's buddies. Thanks for the sponsorship 7-Up!

- Nice of the director to read lines for the beauty pageant guy so he'll  know what to say on the phone.

-Why was the hero of this video a drug dealer?! Are we suppose to sympathize with the roided out German sounding drug dealer?! I was really hoping for a sequel that starred am Italian legless money launderer who has to run one last pyramid scheme before being double crossed by actual Egyptians who want to put the money in a real pyramid. Since it's Vegas, the Pyramid will be headlined by Frank Sinatra Jr....and James Van Patten.

American Commando Ninja (1988)

American Commando Ninja (1988)

Director: Lo Gio

Stars: Martin Chan, Daniel Garfield, Yolanda Kuk

You see the name listed as director? Don't be fooled my friends. Looking up Lo Gio only brings up two credits...this film and one from 1974. I almost gave Joseph Lai the benefit of the doubt that he had employed another hack to make his films but then in the closing credits I saw it...Story by Godfrey Ho.

I'm 100% convinced I just suffered through another Goddamn Godfrey Ho crapfest.

This movie is a rare one, as it's really one of the only martial arts films that was shot on video. Yep, not only is Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai involved, but they brought their camcorders with them. 

The "story" concerns a scientist with a germ warfare formula and several groups of people that are trying to retrieve said formula. They include a white guy in an office with a circus clown for a girlfriend, a crazy uncle with his own army and two nieces fighting over who will have the ugliest haircut, and a ninja and his new found bromance who are the heroes of this story. The two guys are named Larry and David. Please, curb your enthusiasm.

Unlike most of these films, it doesn't star Richard Harrison and it isn't made up with half a decent movie and half a movie where white guys run around with headbands that say "ninja" on them. But even without those obstacles,  these guys manage to make a film that's completely fucking incoherent. Now that's talent.

Things I Took From American Commando Ninja

- Wise advice from this movie "never trust a scientist". That's why I know Jupiter's gonna crash into us any day now. Just you wait, assholes.

- If you know someone has a homing device on him, take the coat with the device on it and throwing it 20 feet isn't going to throw the bad guys off much. Maybe irritate them a bit though.

- Why is this girl wearing confederate flag shorts?

- Speaking of shorts, why the hell is everyone wearing short shorts. It looks like half the cast is only wearing a shirt and it creeps me out. 

-And while I'm on the subject, whoever was the costume designer on this film should be put out back and shot. Lime green pants, tons of daisy dukes, and shirts of many neon colors. It's like the late 80's surf craze threw up on everyone.

- Apparently a mysterious form of martial arts is called...and I shit you not...Hocus Pocus. This ancient technique includes blow fire out of your fingertips and pulling a rabbit out of your hat...but a rabbit with a katana sword.

- I like when the uncle yells at one of the heroes about being too young to know suffering. "In our day, it was either starve or eat another person, and we LIKED IT!"

- Look out for the "Tusken Raider in Star Wars" tribute every time some fires a gun more than once. Also dig those magically appearing ninja stars.

- One of the girls is so stupid, she thinks her parents were killed during world war 2, despite being maybe 25 years old. Someone's getting an F in history.

- I was going to make a joke about how the final battle looks like it takes place on a giant playground until I realized it actually WAS being fought on a giant playground! 

- The final scene is sweet, when Larry and David do the patented bro handshake and gaze into each other's eyes, holding back their true feelings. You don't believe me? The whole movie's on youtube. Go watch it and see. I expect an apology.

Karate Warrior 2 (1988)

Karate Warrior 2 (1988)

Director: Fabrizio De Angelis

Stars: Kim Rossi Stuart, Amy Lynn Baxter, Ted Pryor (?)

Never thought I'd see an Italian Karate Kid ripoff, but here we are. Not sure why I didn't see the first one, but I'll remedy that soon. They actually made six of these films, but only the first two has Kim Rossi Stuart in it. after that, it was a revolving door of wannabe Macchios. 

After saving the day in the first film, our hero Anthony Scott and his sweet pillowy girl lips is going off to college! His grandparents give him a sweet new car, which he promptly runs into the swamp when some douchebags in a car airbrushed with a tiger runs him off the road for no reason. 

After getting picked up by some rich guy named Luke and becoming friends, Anthony goes out to find who fucked up his sweet ride. Turns out the culprits are a gang of karate geeks called the Tigers (big shock), lead by the appropriately named Dick. Anthony challenges Dick to a fair fight, and Dick, trying to rig the fight with chloroform, still gets his ass kicked. If that's not enough, Anthony also is stealing Dick's girl! So what should Dick do? If your answer is hire a karate champion that just got out of prison for drugs to kill Anthony, then you've seen the movie already and are just being a dick yourselves.

Will Anthony beat this new psychopath? Will true love blossom between Anthony and a playboy/penthouse gal? Will Luke actually get a spine? 

Six Things I Took From Karate Warrior 2

1. The Tigers are the goofiest gang I have seen in a movie, and I freeze frame the Warriors at the big gathering scene to pick out all the goofy looking gangs. These guys look like average douchebags jock college guys. That's all. And for a gang that terrorizes the town so badly, they sure as fuck have a lot of supporters when Dick gets his ass beaten by Anthony. Oh and great job giving one guy the hokiest hick voice this side of Hee Haw.

2. Luke is the wimpiest sidekick in recent memory. They dubbed him in this whiny voice, he barely has his buddy's back, and gets his ass kicked even when he has a gun pointed at someone. The only thing I didn't see was someone kicking sand in his face. Maybe Eddie Deezen turned down the role.

3. Forcing someone to become your friend in exchange for a ride is worse than forcing them to have sex with you. Look pal, I'll give you a handjob, I just don't wanna hang out in your house eating caviar.

4. I find it odd that Anthony wrecks his car, some guy in an airboat offers to help, and I guess steals it for his own because we never see the sweet ride again. You'd think Anthony would be more concerned about getting back the car that his grandparents probably hocked their life savings for instead of trying to pick fights and cock block leaders of gangs. I bet he don't send christmas cards to them either. Sad.

5. Fun fact: chloroform when apply to the face by sponge doesn't knock you out but merely makes your eyes blurry so Dick can kick you in the face and blurry it some more. How do you not know your cornerman is rubbing a substance that has one of the most distinct smells in the world all over your face?

6. As you may have noticed, Ted Prior's name is in this film...only it's spelled Pryor. I was excited because I know that Ted always gives a pretty fun performance in whatever he does. But when his character is seen for the first time (he's billed as the psycho karate champion) I notice one problem...IT'S NOT FUCKING TED PRIOR! I came here specifically for the Prior, and instead I got this generic beefed up blond dumbass. Not that I didn't like this film, but the lack of Ted made this film from a B+ to a B-. That's a lesson to you all, if you advertise the Ted, you better fucking deliver the Ted!

Iced (1988)

Iced (1988)

Director:  Jeff Kwitny

Stars: Lisa Loring, Debra De Liso, Doug Stevenson

Jeff, who is head over heels in love with some girl ends up dying in a skiing accident. Four or five years later, the girl, her husband and their friends all show up at this cabin to reunite. But wait! Somebody is killing off these fine folks! Has the deceased Jeff returned...or has somebody else decided to take revenge for him? I think you can figure it out on your own.

This isn't a bad movie by any stretch, just one riddled with plotholes. After Eddie, the Freddy Mercury lookalike is killed, he calls his girlfriend Jeanette (Lisa Loring) and tells her he's with Jeff, who is of course dead. Maybe it's a tiny spoiler, but the killer is IN the same room so how did they pull this off and who was doing Eddie's voice? Don't bother finding out cause it's never explained.

It's a typical slasher film with some real unlikable characters. It's nothing groundbreaking, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Plus, hey, at least I got to see Wednesday Addams all grown up and nude in a hot tub. Had to overlook the big hair, but otherwise that was quite enjoyable for me. Thumbs up.

Six Things I've Learned from Iced 

1. The final girl here has a terrible disorder. Whenever she steps foot into a kitchen, she is compelled to do exercises. She does cook a mean steak in the rec room though.

2. If you want to impress a girl, skiing off a small cliff chest first into some rocks might make a better plan B.

3. If you must do cocaine, it's always best to do it buck ass naked.

4. There is very little gore in this movie, but at least the killer is creative with his methods. Icicles, the old heater in a hot tub and a ski in neckonomy are all in his bag of tricks.

5. It's bad manners to make out with your realtor in front of your friends. Wait until at least three of your friends have left the room first.

6. The twist within a twist is perhaps one of the most laughably insane things I've seen. After the killer is dispatched (won't reveal who it is, but it ain't hard to figure out) we cut to "five years later". Our happy final couple are enjoying some time in the woods with their two children building the worst snowman I've ever seen. Trina, our final girl, puts on the last coal eye, which then starts to bleed. Then suddenly, our killer bursts out of the snowman. Five years later. After getting shot in the face. Hiding in some kids' shitty snowman. That is one dedicated killer.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #14 - Old Man from Night Of The Demons

#14 Old Man from Night Of The Demons - Get Off My Lawn and Die!

I know it's not easy to like the youth of the 80's. They are rude, crude, and as it said on several t-shirts, full of attitude. I was one of those kids myself and I got to admit, if I saw my younger self, I'd wanna punch him in the face as well. But there's a limit to what you should do. Spray em with a hose? Fine. Threaten to call the cops? Sometimes effective. Plot their deaths? We might need to talk.

Night of the Demons is a fun crazy movie about morons at a party getting possessed and/or killed. It also has the great "let's hide the lipstick inside my nipple" scene. Sorta bookended on either side of this story is a sub plot about this old man who hates kids. I mean REALLY hates them. I'd be pissed if some fat ass mooned me in a moving vehicle or if some Jersey jackoff waved a fake rat in my face, but there's no need to be mean to the dumb vacant girl with nice knockers because you got issues with today's youth. That's one strike against this old man.

But this stick waving bastard has a plan. He plans on putting razor blades into the Halloween treats of the youth! Now while I almost understand this man's rage, there's a real flaw in his logic. Unless there's some shit going on that's not on film, the only kids that are bothering this guy are at least 20 years old. They aren't going trick or treating. It's the little kids that are going to suffer because some asshole in a shitty car decides to show this old man his bloomers. Strike two.

But here's the reason I think he deserves to die. It's not because he hates kids. It's not even the fact that he's planning to kill kids. It's this...

This Old Man is putting razor blades in APPLES!

That's right, fruit. On par with getting pennies or a fucking pencil, kids go trick or treating to get candy, not fruit. I'd let it slide if it was coated in some diabetes causing syrupy goodness, but noooooo. It's just plain old apples. What, ran out of pears? Ate all those gross black and orange candies? THIS is why this old man needs to die. And he does, thanks to a great twist concerning the old man's wife. 

You rock old lady...you fucking rock.

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die #15 - Pepe from Ghosthouse

Last year, I picked fifteen of my favorite horror movie moments, and since people like lists, I thought I'd try this again. I didn't want to do something like Top Ten Horror Villains That Show Up on Every List., because that's lazy. I mean I'm a lazy bastard, but not THAT lazy. I wanna EARN that Top fifteen list. So I decided to make a list of those special characters in horror movies that you want to see die. Beheaded, disemboweled, or just shot in the face, their misery puts a little tingle in my pants. 

Now that I've disgusted you all, here's the criteria I set for myself.

1. It has to be a horror movie

2. It has to be a character that I hate

 3. I have to post a video of this character dying

Sounds simple to me! Let's get on with the countdown!

#15  Pepe from Ghosthouse - Moviedom's Most Unlikable Hitchhiker

If you're familiar with this movie, you know there's plenty of loathesome characters in it. From our ham radio lovin hero, to the girly screams of Jim Daylen, everyone here deserves death. But one man tops them all. I'm talking about Pepe, the useless hitchhiker.

My main beef about Pepe isn't how annoying he is (and trust me, that asshole has made it an artform) it's that there is no reason for this guy to be in the movie. At least HAM MAN and Jimmy "Girl Scream" Daylen have a reason for being there. This guy is like the jerkoff that's behind you in the theater talking nonstop deciding he'd rather ruin the movie by being IN it rather than just kicking your seat for two hours.

Pepe pretty much hitches a ride from the main characters, annoys them with his fake skeleton hand until they drop him off in someone's random yard, and disappears for a while. Later on he shows up at the ghost house by pretending to attack one of the other characters. Pepe's lucky he didn't have that skeleton hand of his shoved up his ass. The guy's such a freeloader he'd probably consider it a free prostate exam.

So he decides to stay at the ghost house. We don't see him again until one of the other characters find him standing up against a door dead. Because he has such a dopey look on his face the entire movie, it took me a sec to realize he was dead. I did a little dance. It was pretty sweet.

I don't know how he died, but I'm hoping he was annoyed to death. That would be fitting.

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Director: James Shyman

Stars: Bobby Johnston, Francine Lapensée, Joe Balogh

In slasher films, there must be three things in it for it to be a good slasher...cool kills and nudity. You can sacrifice one of these two and maybe come out with something passable, but take them both out and you have Hollywood's New Blood.

A bunch of terrible actors are at some acting seminar in a cabin in the woods. A big mulleted, stiff as a board Brawny Man (minus the porn stach) named Brad tells the story of how the wrong building was rigged up for a movie scene and accidentally blew up the place this cabin is now standing on. It killed everyone except three brothers who are out wandering the woods with greasepaint on their faces and murder in their hearts. 

People start dying off, but any chance of having any cool deaths are shattered when you realize that they ALWAYS CUT TO A REACTION SHOT WHEN THE KILLING STARTS! I'm sure it's because the filmmakers were too stupid to know how to do the simplest of tasks, but can you at least SHOW the fucking knife going into the victim. It ruins my enjoyment of their deaths.

Six Things I've Learned From Hollywood's New Blood

1. I find it funny that the movie takes place during an acting seminar, when it's clear that none of the people in this movie actually know how to act. Very meta.

2. Some of the worst screaming comes from this movie. In one scene our morons thinks one of their friends are getting killed only to see her in the throes of passion...which for this movie is two jackasses under a cover. So when she screams for real, everyone thinks she's playing with her boyfriend's donkey kong. A better scream would have stopped that. I wonder if they make those nose opening strips for throats?

3. This movie clocks in at an hour and 17 minutes, but feels like it's as long as watching all three extended versions of Lord of the Rings. The last 14 minutes of this movie is nothing but credits and an extended recap of EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW! There's so much padding in this movie that they can put it in the walls of the nuthouse suite I'll be staying at because of this shitheap!

4. The acting coach's method is to "take a break". Things getting heated ...take a break. Cue cards not high enough to read? Take a break. Getting murdered by ugly grease painted hillbillies? I'll be in the break room.

5. I get that this is yet in another looooong line of people in the woods getting slaughtered movie,and that's fine, but if you're going to film the woods, at least realize the differences between the sounds of crickets chirping or bullfrogs croaking, and the goddamn rain forest that you decided to insert instead. There ain't no damn monkeys in them woods!

6. I will give this movie one tiny piece of credit. The way the final bad guy gets his may just be one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways to die  I have ever seen. Brawny Man shoves the skull of the bad guy's mother into the bad guy's face and...well look for yourself...

POW Deathcamp VHS Cover

As disturbing as the guy with no hands at the bottom showing off his stubs is, it's nothing compared to those poor guys caught in what appears to be the line of ass fire from Triggerhappy there. Those who hasn't dealt it, still felt it.

Evil Clutch VHS Cover

This is why it's best for some women to wear a turtleneck.

Men Behind The Sun (1988)/The Ice Pirates (1984)

Men Behind the Sun (1988)

Director: T.F. Mous

Stars: Gang Wang, Hsu Gou, Tie Long Jin

A group of young Japanese men in the Youth Corps are sent to a facility  which houses Unit 731. Here they see awful experiments dealing with coming up with a new strain of the bubonic plague. The group befriend a young Chinese boy and when asked, they naively send him to Unit 731 for testing. I...

I can't. I can't review this. This film turns my stomach in ways I never thought possible. It may be a cop out, but I just never got into this kind of exploitation. At least with crap like Illsa (which I also despise), there's an element of cheesiness to it. This is just...bleak and depressing. I'm sure that's the point of the film, but I just can't put myself up to it. But I promised a review for you. Hmm....

I got it.

The Ice Pirates (1984)

Director: Stewart Raffill

Stars: Robert Ulrich, Angelica Huston, Mary Crosby

Water is scare in the future and considered the greatest thing to own...so of course the only people who seem to own it are evil bastards. Enter Jason (Ulrich) and his merry band of pirates, stealing ice from those evil tyrants. When a princess save Jason and his partner Roscoe, she tells them of a plan to find the 7th World, where the water flows free and people can drown in happiness. There's also robots and for some weird reason a totally featherless parrot. Ew.

Six Things I've Learned From Ice Pirates

1.  I had great joy in seeing a robot cab driver/pimp who spoke in sterotypical 70's blaxploitation talk.

2. They have "programs" on little clear discs that plays some romantic waves crashing on a screen similar to one of those ride simulators they used to have at the mall. I tried this once with my wife and ended up with two hours of old people shuffleboarding. Most romantic two hours of my life.

3. Space herpes look an awful lot like one of the Alien babies with the face of Gammorean Guard. Also had nothing to do with the plot. Space herpes.

4. Nobody should ever put Bruce Villanch in a movie, especially if it's just his head.

5.  ONly got 15 minutes left in the film and too much time to get to the 7th World? Just fast forward parts of the movie and age the hell out of everyone. You'll be so confused you won't realize not a damn thing is happening.

6. SPOILER: The 7th World is Earth. Mind blowing, isn't it?

And just because I feel compelled to...

One Thing I've Learned From Men Behind the Sun

1. There are movies that even I won't watch. Yet I still watched Death Nurse. What is wrong with me?!

Phantom Brother (1988)

Phantom Brother (1988)

Director: William Szarka

Stars: John Gigante, Mary Beth Pelshaw, Jon Hammer

In this very rare shot on video flick, some morons get killed in a house by a guy wearing one of those half black/half white masks. This house is the childhood home of Able, who was the only survivor of a car crash that killed his family...or was he? Why is he protecting the oreo man? Who the hell are the fat lady and the girl scout? Where is the logic in this film? How does the crazy doctor drive with a never ending six pack of beer? What the hell am I doing enjoying this crap?

My better half was not a fan of this film and tells us why HERE. Well worth the read.

Six Things I've Learned From Phantom Brother

1. Never get adopted by a family called the Hickmans. They will do everything to try to live up to their last name. Well at least it's not the Shitheads.

2. They can explain that fear and sex are close together as many times as they want to in this film, they are morons for trying to get laid in an abandoned house. Motel 6 too good for you, Jersey stereotype?

3. An entire wall of files all about some crazy guy will never be funny.

4. I don't care if he makes housecalls, I don't want a drunken doctor named Dr. Van Dam to examine me.

5. Beware of roving bands of bad filmmakers coming into your place randomly to shoot some awful shit.

6. If at any point I start having fantasies about living with an annoying girl scout and an always eating woman, feel free to force me to watch a marathon of Nick Millard films. That's the closest thing to death for me.

555 (1988)

555 (!988)

Director: Wally Koz

Stars: Ricardo Alverez, Mara Lynn Bastian,  Greg Kerouac

A crazy bastard dressed as a 60's hippy is out killing badly acting nude couples while the angry cops bitch about it and harass some old guy. Throw in a saggy snooping female reporter willing to do anything to get the scoop (ugh) and you got yourself the makings of a shot on video classick. 

Six Things I've Learned From 555

1. Ed Wood Tips #34: With random diplomas, a desk, and a small couch, any room can become a police station! Just add cops.

2.  OK, how fucking hard is it to find someone dressed like a 60's hippy in the late 1980's? Was there suddenly a trend of looking like you stepped off an episode of The Wonder Years?

3. Tired of having a sex drive? Be sure to watch the butt ugly reporter whip out her titty and letting some old guy suck on it. It's boner reducing magic!

4. One positive thing about this film is that the decapitation scene is pretty well done. Not real believable but still well done.

5. These guys may be the angriest cops on the face of the earth. Even Dirty Harry would be like "whoa bald guy, let's dial it down a notch".

6. If you make a movie this bad, only your family is stupid enough to help you make it. For shame Koz family.

Slugs (1988)

Slugs (1988)

 Director: Juan Piquer Simon 

Stars: Michael Garfield, Kim Terry, Philip MacHale 

Killer slugs on the rampage in a rural community. 

 6 Things I Learned from Watching Slugs 

1. This was based on a novel. No lie! 

2. Slug attacks are more brutal than the Vietnam War. 

3. Slugs can cause explosions. 

4. Even slugs punish those that have sex. 

5. Eating slugs can cause your head to explode. 

6. You can set fire to a sewer.