Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Director: Nick Millard

Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.

- I REALLY HATE NICK MILLARD. YOU SUCK AT FILM MAKING!

Mankillers (1987)

Mankillers (1987)

Director: David A. Prior

Stars: Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, Edy Williams, Lynda Aldon

An ex CIA agent is in the drug running/ cheerleader type girl smuggling business with his partner, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes. The CIA sends the renegade agent's ex lover Rachael (and also an agent) out to get him. She has a personal vendetta because her ex beau decided to put a slug in her buxom chest a few years back.

Rachael assembles a team entirely of women to take out the renegade's band of morons, jerks, and feebs. Lots of squibs a flying in this one. Fun note, they filmed this back to back with the "wonderful" Ted Prior vehicle Deadly Prey. Oh joy.

Six Things I've Learned from Mankillers

1. I have decided to make a holiday where we hang up papier-mâché versions of Edd Kookie Byrnes, blindfolding someone holding a knife (a butter knife and staying 100 feet away would suffice), have them stab Kookie in his papier-mâché dick until candy comes out. I'd call it "Let's Stab Kookie in the Dick" Day. I'm...still working on the name.

2. The team of female prisoners included the gum chewing bad girl, the...uhh...black girl, the asian girl, and....ummm...the others. They literally gave all the personality to one girl. Out of ten. Way to hog the spotlight lady!

3. I enjoyed the fact that EVERY SINGLE GUY KILLED used the same "uhhh!" sound. It's like the Wilhelm scream, only every five seconds for forty five minutes.

4. Female prisons are only filled with buxom scantily clad beauties, just like every men's prison are filled with guys who want to put it in your butt for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Those are small cigarettes. Your anal virginity isn't even worth a filter.

5. The lead villain in this looks like a deranged John Holmes...only without the charm...or the third leg.

6. So here's my big complaint on this movie. Your lead actress is an attractive big breasted woman. She assembles a team of large breasted women. Not only that, but she recruited them from fucking prison! She then dressed them up in the most skimpy camouflage gear known to man or bikini model. So why, if you have all of these elements together, DO YOU NOT SHOW ANY FUCKING NUDITY FROM THESE WOMEN WHATSOEVER!? There's nothing, nada from these women. No full frontal, no titties, not even a goddamn buttcrack is shown! What happened? Was someone (as my wife put it) supposed to be the designated "titty lady" but they kept trying to put it on the other girls? Lord knows they weren't hired for their acting ability or fucking personalities. EDY WILLIAMS, A PERSON WHO WILL TAKE IT OFF EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT HER TO, DIDN'T GET NUDE! What the fuck movie...just What. The. Fuck.

Last Man Standing VHS Cover

Watch out fighting shirtless men! That giant dude is gonna sneeze on you!

Night Vision (1987)

Night Vision (1987)

Director: Michael Krueger

Stars: Stacy Carson, Shirley Ross, Tony Carpenter

Kansas apparently really sucks, because there have been movie after movie in which someone from there makes their way to the big city. Of course they have to be dumb as shit as well. This movie is no different. A dumbass from Kansas moves into the nicest flophouse I've ever seen. He's a writer (wonderful...I love being lumped in with THIS guy) who's trying to sell his stories. Along the way he makes friends with a slimy thief named Vinny, who lets him borrow a VCR. He doesn't tell him the tape in the VCR has a satanic ritual on it, or that it'll cause the poor dope to become possessed and kill folks. What a pal.

The rube also falls in love with the hardened clerk at the video store, which he also gets a job at...I think. the movie's never really clear on that.

I was asked to review this by the friendly owner of the Church of Splatter Day Saints (http://www.splatterday.org/) after seeing the VHS cover I posted last week. It's not a bad movie (much better than Lone Wolf, also done by this director), but I'm blaming her for it anyways.

Six Things I've Learned From Night Vision

1. You may think of satanists as these evil, slit your throat kinda guys, but in this movie they're more like loan sharks who want their money.

2. When you finally give into the advances of that sweet naive person, you might want to wait a few weeks before you become as clingy as saran wrap at a fat swingers party. What am I saying...ALL swinger parties are fat swinger parties.

3. If your VCR is bleeding, either send it back or take the tape of Curse of the Cannibal Confederates out of it...you inhumane monster.

4. Nazi Rectal Roundup may be my new favorite video title.

5. Don't have the guy who falls asleep on the toilet follow somebody who is a possessed serial killer. It'll only end up with the guy crapping himself...on accident this time.

6. If you meet someone and the first thing they say to you is "I wrote a story about you", you can be sure he doesn't mean a Star Trek fan fic. Unless you're in it wearing a red shirt.

Night Vision VHS Cover

"Hey big boy, want a window to your future? It's called herpes."

Evil Spawn VHS Cover

Half naked broad? Check

Ugly demon broad? Check

Strange Bug guy? Check

John Carradine looking like he smelled this movie? Check

Deathrow Gameshow (1987)

Deathrow Gameshow (1987)

Director: Mark Pirro

Stars: John McCafferty, Robin Blythe, Beano...yes his name is Beano

Anyone who knows anything about low/no budget movies will know the name Mark Pirro. In 1983 his $2500 budgeted film A Polish Vampire in Burbank made over a million bucks in VHS rentals and overseas distribution. I remember seeing it on USA's Up All Night while the annoying Rhonda Shear enticed me with her large boobs during the bumpers. Heh... Rhonda's bumpers. So I have a soft spot for Pirro.

Chuck Toedan is the host of the most popular show on television, Live or Die, where the contestants are dying to play. HAHAHA! Get it? Dying to...I'm an asshole I know. The contestants are death row inmates playing for a stay of execution and wonderful prizes for their families. while this may sound like the greatest show ever, not everybody is thrilled with the show. Chuck endures protests led by Gloria Steinvirgin, death threats, and recently the mafia. When a hitman shows up ready to kill him, Chuck will have to rely on his wits and his biggest enemy to live. He's pretty much screwed.

Six Things I've Learned From Deathrow Gameshow

1. Inspired by Chuck and his car, I'm going to patent messages that you can put on the side of your car windows. Everything from "You're the best" to "hey you just hit a kid back there you schmuck". Can't be any worst than back window memorials.

2. Every person's dreams should be rated like Chuck's. Mine would only be suitable for small parrots and those guys who dance on the corner for money.

3. The hitman looks an awful lot like a bloated Gene Simmons. Thank goodness we didn't see a sex tape with this guy. Ugh.

4. Although Chuck is a famous game show host, he's still relegated to parking in an alleyway behind the studio.

5. Old ladies are highly flammable. Remember Miss Havisham? Of course carrying cans of gasoline are a great accelerate.

6. I was very offended by the scene of the mob boss with his penis tied to an electric chair. Does Mark Pirro not know that every year, at least three people lose their lives by rigging their penises up to electric chairs. Let's use films to not judge these guys, but to show love and compassion for the boners they may make in life.

Hellraiser (1987)

Hellraiser (1987)

Director: Clive Barker

Stars: Doug Bradley, Ashley Lawrence, Andrew Robinson

Uncle Frank is a bastard. He was the former lover of his brother's wife Julia. Not smart. He also liked playing around with odd puzzle boxes. Really dumb. The box opens and S & M demons come out and rip his flesh off. Fucking stupid. Now Frank's back and he wants Julia to help him become more than a skull and spine combination by killing other guys and drinking their blood (in a manner of speaking). The Cenobites are not amused. A fan is then filled with feces as it is hit.

Six Things I've Learned from Hellraiser

1. Pinhead claims to have "such sights to show me" but all I see is twirling boxes with ears pinned to it and chains with hooks. Disneyland this ain't.

2.  When I watched this on videotape, there was an a great ad for Hellraiser merchandise with a little old lady. That Hellraiser satin jacket would have looked Sa-WEET on me.

3. I just now realized that the dad was the awesome Scorpio in Dirty Harry. I realize this as he blows up. In my face indeed.

4. When people are told to look at their loved one's inner self, I don't think it included the muscle groups and entrails.

5. When it comes down to Uncle Frank and the Cenobites, I'm firmly on the side of the inhuman pincushion.

6. I'll keep my sexual deviationsat a safe level. A chicken, two pounds of mayo, and a wetsuit.

BONUS: Here's the video I mentioned in number 2!

                                

Street Trash (1987)

Street Trash (1987)

Director: J. Michael Muro

Stars: Pat Ryan, James Lorinz, Tony Darrow

Do you think that all homeless people are poor lost souls who just need a hand? Well not if you watch this film. Everyone in this film (except for the tough as nails cop) is a pretty scummy character and I welcomed each death. A liquor store owner finds a hidden case of booze that he sells to his mostly homeless clientele for a buck. Sounds like a deal? Not when you're melting and looking like what happens when you mash all the playdoh colors together and throw some of your big brother's He-Man slime pit slime on top.

There's also some story about some crazy Nam vet homeless guy who runs the junkyard. And everyone's ugly. No wonder Lloyd Kaufman hates this film.

Six Things I've Learned from Street Trash

1. When you're done with your drunken date, take the time to take her home, instead of passing out and having her be carried away by the homeless version of Freaks.

2. A great business practice is to constantly insult your customers and call them every vile name you can think of. Flyers help too. Flyers with vulgarities.

3. It is police procedure to throw up on criminals after catching them.

4. If you see a large black man with a gas mask start stuffing his pants with meat, I'd just let him keep it.

5. I gotta admit, there's some damn good deaths in this film.

6. I was just on the verge of hating this film until the odd subplot about the restaurant owner (mob movie guy Darrow) trying to kill his employee (Frankenhooker's Lorinz). The ending to this film (and the song that plays over the credits) made it worth my time.

Forever Evil (1987)

Forever Evil (1987)

Director: Roger Evans

Stars: Red Mitchell, Tracey Huffman, Charles L Trotter

A group of annoyingly preppy young adults go to a fancy cabin only to be killed off by some old looking zombie. the lone survivor Marc decides to find this evil being. With the help of the mysterious Reggie and the too cool for school Detective Leo, they find out that some things truly are....Forever Evil! See what I did there? That would have been a totally sweet IMDB synopsis. I wonder if they pay for those?

Six Things I've Learned From Forever Evil

1. Your hero shouldn't look like an adult version of the "My Buddy" doll that was big in the 80's.

2. The zombie in this film looks like one of those thirty dollar K Mart decorations you put on your front porch holding a bowl of snickers with a sign that says "EYE see when you take more than one!" I shoulda taken two or three. I'm such a coward.

3. I wish I had my own theme music like Leo did. Maybe something light and jazzy. Something that would make people know I mean business, but I have a wacky side as well. I'll get on that.

4.  Important scenes in this film include a nosy neighbor of Leo's telling her friend on the telephone every single fucking story in the tabloids and Leo's entire trip to the mailbox to mail a letter to Marc that he could have just phone the asshole and told him.

5. When filming a bloody shower scene, it's best not to film it in a place that has blood red tiles in it.

6. Real estate agents really are evil!

Necropolis (1987)

Necropolis (1987) 

Director: Bruce Hickey 

Stars: LeeAnne Baker, Michael Conte, Jacquie Fitz, George Anthony-Rayza 

Plot: Reincarnated "Satanic Witch" from New Amsterdam, circa 1600's comes back to revive her cult members by sucking the life force out of people. 

 6 Things I Learned from Necropolis 

 1. Raggedy Ann’s existed in the 1800’s. 

 2. The demons of Hell seemingly shop at party stores.

  3. The best place to pick up women is at crime scenes. 

 4. Witches can grow four extra boobs. 

 5. Witches make good hookers. 

 6. The fridge is a good place to hide a dead body.

Blood Rage (1987)

Blood Rage (1987)

Director: John Grissmer 

Stars: Louise Lasser, Mark Soper, Julie Gordon 

Filmed In: Jacksonville, FL

This is a better-than-average slasher that has languished in obscurity, probably because it was not released until four years after it was made. Or maybe I just have bad taste.

In Jacksonville, Florida, in the 70s, a bratty kid (Mark Soper) manages to frame his twin brother (also Soper) for a horrific killing. Now it's the 80s, and the "good" twin escapes from the asylum where he has been locked up lo these many years. It's also Thanksgiving, but something more than a turkey is gettin' carved this year in the River City! Which twin is really the killer? Louise Lasser plays their long-suffering mom, and she doesn't save the fruitcake for Christmas. Oh boy.

Six Things I've Learned from Blood Rage

1. Ted Raimi does not want any STDs at his favorite drive-in theater, so wrap that thang up!

2. A machete can cut through a psychiatrist like a hot knife through butter.

3. If you want to get busy with a guy who has a twin, make sure of which twin you're propositioning. Actually, never mind that. Nobody can ever tell twins apart, not even their mother.

4. Dead bodies are totally moldable and posable.

5. When there is a killer on the loose, the quickest way to find him is to use yourself as the bait by making the beast with two backs outdoors in the open; just don't forget to get up and capture him when he shows up.

6.The best way to deal with stress is to sit by yourself on the kitchen floor and eat leftovers out of the open refrigerator. No joke!

Prince of Darkness (1987)

Prince of Darkness (1987)

Director: John Carpenter

Stars: Donald Pleasence, Lisa Blount, Alice Cooper

The Catholic Church and Donald Pleasence are keeping the devil in a 7 million year old jar in a Los Angeles church basement. When the devil becomes disturbingly active, a team of scientists working for Victor Wong try to quantify ol' Scratch; unfortunately, they are soon under siege by both Satan on the inside and a bunch of possessed homeless people led by Alice Cooper (whose hair looks great here) on the outside. Best of all, everyone in the church starts having the same dream: a creepy transmission of a video from the then-future of the 90s warning them of something they'd find out about if all the crap going on would let them sleep long enough to get that far in the dream. I am not ashamed to say that I think Prince of Darkness is John Carpenter's best work. 

Six Things I've Learned from Prince of Darkness

1. "A nice Chinese restaurant" is an obscure euphemism for an orgasm. 

2. Susan is a radiologist with glasses. 

3.Jesus was an extraterrestrial. 

4.They didn't have differential equations 2000 years ago!! 

5.You can stave off demonic possession just long enough to cut your own throat by singing "Amazing Grace" and laughing manically.

6.When you're trapped in a closet by two demon possessed women, the best thing to do is make wisecracks. That way the other people in the building will hear you and come to your rescue. 

Bonus fact:.  No matter what appendage you chop off of the devil's favorite possessed lady, it will grow right back.