Blood Reservoir (2014)

Blood Reservoir (2014)

Director: Mark Anthony Del Negro

Stars: Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, Hannah Landberg

  I wasted $1.99 on this garbage.

  Not the usual way to start a review, but this particular tidbit bothered me. It's not like $1.99 is going to break me, but it's the principle of the matter. Let me explain. I have Amazon Prime. It's highly recommended just for the free shipping alone, but there's tons of stuff to watch FOR FREE on Amazon Prime video. Lately I've been revisiting those good ol' Jersey boys and girls of the Sopranos. Still as good as I remembered it. The fact is, is this tremendously written and acted show was FREE on Prime video. Blood Reservoir wasn't. You had to pay for the privilege of watching the equivalent of getting kicked in the balls for 54 minutes straight. Yes, that's how long this "movie" is.

  Let's get the dumbass plot out of the way...what sense of it I could make. A group of late 20's jackasses decide to go hiking in an area of woods where people are getting killed by one of several different serial killers or legends. It's never made clear if it's the legend of Pumpkin Jack (who'll make you die tonight, I assume) or the serial killer the Ice Woman (who I guess keeps her victims in those little ice trays for parties). 

  In the midst of this, there's a love triangle of sorts between the biggest...pardon my words...pussy magnet of the tri state area. He's got a girl to pay his bills, but he's got the hots for some eighteen year old who's on the trip as well. The teenager's sister (also on the trip) has daydreams about men in bowler hats strangling women and ordering people around in sepia tone. Oh, and there's the token black guy. I'm not kidding.

  They go to the local general store where they meet the store owner (Rose) and the sheriff, who looks disturbingly like an animatronic Rob Schneider. Let that image sink in. Little did I know robotic Deuce Bigelo is the brother of the Situation. I will rename this guy the Shituation for how badly he acted.

  Look, I'm just going to spoil it for you as best I can. The campers die, even though the flashback having lady set up the whole thing to kill everyone. They are murdered by an overacting Rose and the Shituation. Oh did I mention there's a guy in the woods who's a ghost FBI agent dressed up like the Fonz? That slipped my mind along with around thirty-two brain cells.

  This "movie" is shit. I usually don't call out other sites by name for giving turds like this positive reviews, and I won't here, but that's basically what one unnamed site did. The guy writing the review even admits to doing a promotional article for the director previous to the review...so why have this guy gingerly talk about the problems this movie has? He basically talks about several of the problems I'm about to go into, but then pats Del Negro on the back and go "There there, champ, it's great for a first try!". That's bullshit. Be a shill for the guy if you want, but don't fool people into thinking this movie is good in any way. People don't deserve to waste money like that on misleading shit.

  That takes me to what I did not enjoy about this film (and a few other things).

 Things That Pissed Me Off About Blood Reservoir

- The audio is atrocious. Half the time the music or sound effects are louder than the dialogue, or even better, the actors and the mic are as far away as humanly possible.

- Deeply bothered by the lack of any reference of time. Yeah some movies overdo it on the establishing shots, but this movie is one scene cut to one scene cut to another scene. They're walking, next scene they're all set up camping, and then the next scene everyone is all over the damn place. All in the span of like two minutes.

- The "news segments" are not funny, and did we need four of them within five minutes of each other?

- The acting is bad. Super bad. There's a few actors here I think could do better (Rose for sure) but I blame that on the shitty script. The other actors are just awful. The Shituation is a particularly bad actor.

- Why was the death of the black guy the only one lovingly shown while all the other deaths were offscreen? Hmmm.

- The script. I know Del Negro had a story in mind, and I could even see it at points, but he has no idea how to pace a movie and have it make any kind of fucking sense. I still don't know why flashback girl wanted everyone dead.

- None of the characters are the least bit sympathetic. I'm not talking about the annoying campers trope you see, I mean every character in this film is someone if you saw get on an elevator, you'd take the stairs. You'd rather be in discomfort and tired than to spend thirty seconds with these people.

- When every single executive producer has the last name Del Negro, I know how this was funded. They said the budget was 100 grand? Where did it go?

  Before I mercifully end this, I have to mention something. I know I've been really hard on these people, and no it's not the worst film I've ever seen, but this is why I'm so angry. If you look on Amazon reviews for this film, or even IMDb, you'll see super positive reviews for this film. I get trying to cover a turd in a golden wrapper and calling it a Wonka Bar, but it's dishonest and scummy to go under different names and write fake reviews of your own film. While I don't have "proof" of this, any sort of common sense can tell you these positive reviews come from someone involved with the production.  Don't call your movie shit, but don't try to fool horror fans. 

  If one person reads this and doesn't waste $1.99 on this, then I'll have done my job. I need to review something good next time. This can't be good for my health.

Night of the Demon (1980)

Night of the Demon (1980)

Director: James C. Wasson

Stars: Michael Cutt, Joy Allen, Bigfoot

  I have always wanted to see this film simply for the fact that I personally think that Bigfoot is a gentle creature who merely wants to be left alone. I mean, when that car hit him in Harry and the Hendersons, he didn't get angry, he just hung out with them and taught them the value of family. Sure, he got angry in those beef sticks commercials, but wouldn't you be angry if hipster douchebags kept fucking with you? I know if I had the strength of ten men, I'd be field goal kicking some bespectacled dick right in his freshly shaved asshole. 

  Don't ask me how I know that. 

  So the story here takes place in a hospital, where a badly dressed detective is interviewing a professor whose face has been horribly disfigured (which he covers up with a mask). He tells what happened in the first of many flashbacks. The professor and a group of similarly aged students go out into the remote woods to see if they can get proof of the existence of Bigfoot. I'm not sure what proof they were planning to get or how they were going to get it, because due to flashbacks within flashbacks we find out that Bigfoot has been killin' folks left and right. Wait...killin' folks!? Nah, not Bigfoot. It has to be someone dressed like him.

  The Scooby gang goes into town, where they find out about a crazy girl living alone in the woods who went crazy because she had a deformed baby and it died. See, she's probably the killer. Story over. Time to go...wait, why is the sheriff watching them with disdain in his eyes?

  Turns out the gang runs into a cult of Bigfoot worshipers, who have the crazy lady lying down ready for some hillbilly lovin' before the professor chases them away. OK, THERE'S the real killers. I better cut this off now.

  Only they aren't the killers. In fact, they are never seen again. What the fuck movie!?  The gang finally track down Crazy Mary (not her real name) and they find her special dead baby room. Not creepy at all. The professor hypnotizes her and they find out that her crazy hillbilly cult leadin' dad was the one who killed her baby. Why you may ask? Well...she tries to run away from daddy dearest when she's raped by Bigfoot. 

  Yes, Bigfoot raped this woman right in her own front yard. With her daddy watching no less. As thanks for killing the half human/half furball baby, "Crazy Mary" here burns ol' pappy poopdeck alive.

SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM MADE IN 1980!!

  The final minutes of this film is Bigfoot wanting to see his girl again, so does he stand outside her home with a boombox in his hand? No, he murders the college students horribly, and slams the professor's face into a hot stove.

  We come back to the professor and the doctor wisely puts him to sleep. Another doctor declares the professor criminally insane although there are no murder victims to be found. We end depressed.

  I really thought Bigfoot was a loving gentle creature of nature, but check out this scorecard:

- Tears a guy's arm off

- Rips some biker's dick off!!

- Drags a naked guy out of a van, and presumably fucks him to death on top of the van (that's alright with him)

- Makes two girl scouts stab each other repeatedly with knives!

- Swings a guy in a sleeping bag over his head and onto a pointy branch (Top THAT Vorhees)

- Pitchfork to the back

- Stove to the face

- Slams a guy's head into a tree causing the guy to shoot himself in the head!

- Rapes a mountain woman!!

  Bigfoot, you ARE a giant hairy asshole!!

  Here's a very NSFW trailer for Night of the Demon. There is biker penis seen, and no, Bigfoot ain't working at no rest stop.

 

Beyond The Grave (2010)

Beyond The Grave (2010)

Director: Davi de Oliveira Pinheiro

Stars: Rafael Tombini, Alvaro Rosa Costa, Ricardo Seffner

 An unnamed Officer drives through a post apocalyptic (but beautiful) world where the seven gates of hell have opened up and zombies walk the Earth. He's on the hunt for the Dark Rider, a serial killer with strange and evil powers.These two are on a collision course for a final duel, but will good overcome evil?

 I've always been fascinated with horror films from other countries. This Brazillian effort is less a horror film (though there are horror elements) than it is a bloody fantasy arthouse film. Now this isn't a bad thing, because I wasn't sure what to expect. Anyone can throw blood and gore at the screen (and has), but this film does it only when the story calls for it...which is pretty refreshing.

 The cinematography by Melissandro Bittencourt is fantastic. They make the most of their small budget by filming in some downright beautiful locations. This really offsets the violence nicely. The acting is very good and the dialogue scarce at times. 

 The makeup effects were really well done. All practical, and the zombies looked nice and dead. The gore was disgusting, and you can't ask for anything more out of your gore. The music though, is one big highlight. Very prog rock/Goblin like with a touch of Brazillian mixed in. I'd listen to that soundtrack nonstop.

 If there were anything that bothered me about the film is that it drags in places. For a 90 minute film, the slowdown needs to be at a minimum in my opinion. And while I love the references, I think there was a bit too much taken from Stephen King, most notably Randall Flagg. But honestly, these were minor quibbles to me.

 The movie is up on Hulu for free if you'd like to judge for yourself. Overall I think it's extremely well made film, with fun characters, great locations and awesome music.

Beyond the Grave full movie

Top 10 Underrated Horror Films: The Evil and Amityville 2

Today's picks turned out to be an inadvertent Andrew Prine double feature. If that's good or bad, I'll leave that up to you.

8 - The Evil (1978)

This is one of those movies that I would see the trailer for on multiple trailer compilations, and it looked gloriously cheesy. When I finally got to see this film, it certainly didn't disappoint in the cheese department, but it was also highly entertaining.

Richard Crenna, his wife Joanna Pettet, his buddy Andrew Prine, and a few others come to this old building to turn it into a new clinic. Unfortunately, the house is a bit of a bastard, and before you know it, it's lighting up humans like cigarettes, giving its own shock therapy, and at one point even attempting ghost rape. 

Crenna does a great job of playing the doubting lead, while his more believing wife Pettet knows some bad shit's going down. The atmosphere is suitably creepy, and the kills, while not imaginative, are certainly startling.

One thing I noticed was that the girl played by Cassie Yates is killed by having her throat ripped out by her own German Shepherd. Now I can't say for sure, but it's very similar to the scene in Suspiria when the blind guy gets his throat ripped out in the middle of an city square. I wonder which film Fulci decided to see to get the same death by guide dog scene in the Beyond.

If you can overlook the ridiculous ending with Victor Buono, you'll enjoy this slice of 70's horror cheese. The full movie is on Youtube under House of Evil, but here's a nice trailer to get you started.

7 - Amityville 2 (1982)

Wow. Whereas the first film was to put bluntly, dull as a documentary about teaspoon collecting, this one just says "fuck it, let's creep the hell out of everyone". How did they do that? One Jack Magner.

Magner, playing Sonny Montelli (a thinly disguised version of Ronald DeFeo Jr), reaches a level of pure creepiness that hadn't been seen since Tom Basham in the Psychopath (1973). The way he leers after his sister (played by the lovely Diane Franklin) even made MY skin crawl. 

The story is a awesome mixture of the DeFeo murders retold, mixed in with some blatant Exorcist touches. This wildly dysfunctional family moves into the perfect house. By perfect I mean the best possible place in Long Island to be possessed by your Walkman. Burt Young is the abusive dickhead father, and there ain't no Rocky to save his ass here.

Father Adamsky (James Olson) senses something terribly wrong with the house, but fuck that...it's time to go hang out with Andrew Prine for the weekend. He comes back from the trip to find the whole family dead, and a distraught Sonny saying he doesn't remember.

You've got demon possession, you got incest, and you have one of the most unsettling and realistic looking scenes when Sonny kills his family. Seriously, I dare any of you to watch that particular scene and not be like "whoa".

This one is also on the Youtubes, but you don't have to take my word for it (Reading Rainbow music plays).

Cathy's Curse (1977)

Cathy's Curse (1977)

Director: Eddy Matalon

Stars: Alan Scarfe, Beverly Murray, Randi Allen

Having the reputation of a bad film "expert" (and I use that term as loosely as possible), there are films I hear a ton about. Films like Abby or The Visitor. Cathy's Curse was another one I've heard a ton about...none of it good. But I feel like I need to watch these films, so that you may be spared the pain. Some call me a saint, but most call me a moron.

The beginning shows a little girl and her father driving along when the girl makes daddy swerve out of the way of a fucking rabbit and guess what? Car catches on fire and they die. Did Thumper help them out while they roasted alive? I don't think so.

Cut to however many years later, and a family moves into this groovy old house. The family consists of a dad whose hair looks like a wig put on sideways, a mother who hysterically cries out half her lines, and Cathy, the poor kid who ends up cursed. You can tell she's cursed because she doesn't say much, and the dog hates her. There's also an alcoholic caretaker named Paul and the world's laziest housekeeper.

Cathy finds an ugly ass doll, and if you've seen any number of these films, you know that any dolls left in a house should be immediately burned or sent to someone you hate. Before long, Cathy's making shit break, talking weird, and terrorizing ugly old psychics. Oh, and mom is a total nutcase.

As far as possession films go, it's pretty standard. What makes this stand out amongst all the other Exorcist type ripoffs is that it makes no sense plot wise. Mom's going nuts, Dad's a clueless fucking putz who is oblivious to it all, and it's never explained why the fuck Cathy is possessed and what the evil spirit's mission was. If it's to make shit appear and hang out with drunk old caretakers, well live the dream you crazy bitch.

Things I Took/Learned From Cathy's Curse

- The print I saw was incredibly bad and made everyone look like the color of that sawdust they put on the floor to cover up puke. Come to find out, that's the best print anyone has. Might be for the best.

- Love it when Cathy breaks a bowl and the housekeeper picks up like two or three pieces before saying "there's, that's better". No, let's ignore the thirty or forty large chunks of sharp bowl laying on the ground. That's why you got terminated. By terminated I mean she got thrown out a window. 

- The mom in this film does everything in her power to make the focus on her. From the first scene where she shrilly tells her husband that she's had a nervous breakdown (I'm sure it came as a shock to him) on, she's shown to be batshit insane. Yeah, you may be right about your kid being in danger, but flailing your arms around and having to be institutionalized probably doesn't help your case.

- If your kid starts randomly disappearing and reappearing all over the place, continue to scold them as if nothing is happening. Show them that just because Satan is helping them, YOU are the one in charge.

- You haven't lived until you see a drunken old man and a bratty possessed kid mock a psychic for no good reason. It's how I get rid of those pesky Publishers Clearing House people. I can't cash that giant check, so stop it!

- Satanic devil magic tricks #52: If you walk into the cold lake, when you're pulled out you'll be dry as a bone! Ta-daaaaaaa!

- You know someone is evil when their face turns into a pizza. That's the devil's favorite food. He hates anchovies though.

- This movie's on numerous public domain sets (and also on youtube), but this is one of those movies you need to get a group together to riff on. This scene alone is worth the price of admission and a six pack of cheap beer.

"Extra rare piece of shit" is a terrific insult to call a medium.

Lord of Tears (2013)

Lord of Tears (2013)

Director: Lawrie Brewster

Stars: David Schofield, Alexandra Hulme, Guy in a big ass Owl mask

I had been hearing about this one for a while, with all the sites creaming their pants over how great this was. So I decided to give it a shot, despite my understandable reservations about watching newer movies.

Far as I can tell through the 8 million quick edits and the ambient noise turned on and left on, a guy inherits a house from his dead mum, but in her letter she says NOT to go back to the house. Despite having gone crazy there as a kid and trying to drown himself, our hero goes to the house like the fucking idiot he is.

He runs into Eve, an American gal who's just hanging around the house. Before long they get romantic and things seem great...until the Owlman shows back up. Seems the Owlman is the one responsible for our hero's trauma as a child (or is he?) and it seems he's picking up right where he left off in the guy's adult life as well.

Will our hero find out what to do about the Owlman? Will Eve be able to help? Will a person with the IQ of ragweed not be able to figure out the "twist"? I think you all know the answer. There were plenty of tears, but they all came from my fucking eye sockets.

Things I Took/Learned from Lord of Tears

- The cinematography here is quite good. Gavin Robertson did an excellent job with the material he had to work with.

-I admit, the Owlman outfit is pretty damn good, and there were a couple of moments when I got honestly freaked out.

-This now ends the positive portion of this review.

- Nothing ruins a movie like a bad script, and this is the very definition of a bad script. It's riddled with cliches and tropes and tries to pass itself off as original.

-Hey filmmaker. the whole point of ambient sound is to create tension, when you have it playing THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE then it's just annoying fucking noise that makes it hard to hear the actors...not like they are saying anything worth listening to.

-Nobody wants to see someone dance for 10 minutes. It's not erotic, it's not haunting, it's not scary, it's fucking BORING. As shit.

- Why is this guy having dreams about his Jesus-looking friend chopping his dad up and covered in blood? I don't have dreams about the fat guy who walks down my road every single day fucking a dog in the middle of the road while jello smears his chest...and I've tried.

- We know you want this Owlman to be Slenderman, but he looks like he's going to a Robert Palmer video while finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

-When Eve is revealed to be a ghost (big shock) she ends up terrorizing our hero not by trying to kill him, but by jumping on his bed and playing with his fucking curtains. So she's basically going to annoy him to death. 

-I'm aware of how harsh I'm being to this film, but I hate this blatant PR bullshit I see from major sites who just basically cut and paste the filmmaker's written press release and then proclaim it "the future of horror." I may be an asshole for trashing this, but I'm an honest one at least. I'm not creating fake accounts to give glowing reviews on IMDB like these people seem to be doing. I just want to be entertained. Girls Gone Dead and Potpourri are recent films that did that. This and The Cloth are ones that make me wish these people would be forced to film an apology for the poor fucks like me who expect a decent film and got this beautifully filmed piece of shit.

Abby (1974)

Abby (1974)

Director: William Girdler

Stars: William Marshall, Carol Speed, Austin Stoker

From the man who brought the world such classics as Three On A Meathook and Grizzly comes this Exorcist ripoff made Blaxploitation style. A marriage counselor married to a pastor gets possessed  by the horniest demon around. It's up to the pastor's dad (who coincidentally released said horny demon) to get midevil on this demon's hind end.

Out of all the Exorcist ripoffs, this was the only one that got successfully sued by Warner Brothers and got shelved after only a short time in theaters (where it grossed 4 million). It's not a bad ripoff per say, much better than some of the Italian ripoffs, and you can tell Speed really enjoys hamming it up as the possessed Abby. Eh, it entertained me, but I'm entertained by test patterns and informercials starring washed up celebrities.

Things I Took From Abby

- Never open a box that has an evil deity carved into it, especially if you have to twist the deity's hard on to open it. 

- You're not fully aroused in the shower unless you're zestfully aroused...oh and there's a demon in there with you.

-  I wonder how the demon got there so fast. maybe he caught a commercial flight. had to sit in front of an annoying woman and her bratty kid kicking the seat. Probably didn't even get a free bag of those tiny peanuts. No wonder he's pissed.

- I feel Abby's pain. When I'm cutting up raw chicken, I get so turned on I have to cut myself too. Now if it was turkey, she'd just be a weirdo.

- Dress yourself in nothing but a tiny towel, expect to be kicked in the balls. The more you know.

-  If you're doing marriage counseling, ripping open your shirt and wanting to "fuck the shit out of" someone is not really a good way to get one's point across. Show them a diagram first. Maybe a slideshow.

- Love that the nightclub looks like someone's living room. Adding ugly ass wallpaper and a tiny disco ball can't hide that fact.

- The demon in exorcist was scary, this one just looks like Abby dressed up like the incredible hulk. You wouldn't like her when she's horny.

- The best part was the Bishop performing the exorcism on Abby. Whereas in the Exorcist, they were confident but scared,  in Abby, the Bishop is one cool cat. He's openly mocking this demon like "Hey, if you're this big bad demon, you wouldn't be laying your jive ass on the ground while my groovy self is running the show". I mean, he didn't say it like that, but I knew what he meant.

- William Marshall was really someone I felt could have been used a lot more in movies. Hell, you got a guy there who could act, and also always came off with class. He could have been like a Christopher Lee of American horror in my opinion. Oh well, at least he was the King of Cartoons.

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Director: Nick Millard

Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.

- I REALLY HATE NICK MILLARD. YOU SUCK AT FILM MAKING!

Fatal Exposure (1989)

Fatal Exposure (1989)

Director: Peter B. Good

Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Renee Cline

As you can see right above me, this review is for the 2014 Gore-A-Thon. Now when I was asked to do this, I checked out what everyone else was doing. They were doing some really good, really gory movies. So I decided that instead of leaning towards masters like Fulci and Argento, I went with what I can only speculate as Chuck Berry's favorite director, Peter B. Good.

This shot on video "film" is about the great grandson of Jack the Ripper, only now he's calling himself Jack T. Ripperton. Yeah, that won't raise any suspicion. He's a photographer living in a huge mansion where he takes people pictures along with their lives (and sometimes body parts). Apparently drinking these victims' blood will make you more sexually potent. No wonder Dracula's always got a hard on.

Jack finally meets the girl of his dreams and together they kill of more models...him knowingly, her not so much.What Jack really wants is a Jack Jr. to carry on his legacy murdering folks. That's sweet.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Watch For

- If a serial killer gives you a pop quiz, 99.9% of the time you are going to fail it. By fail, I mean die horribly. Now I wouldn't be pleased with getting murdered, but giving me an exam before dying? That's just sick.

- It's nice that Jack found himself the dumbest woman on the planet to carry his seed. The car radio pretty much has to tell her flat out that her boyfriend's the murderer. Their kid is going to be a murdering moron.

-If you're going to talk to the camera, make sure you do it in your house and not in public. You don't really want other people knowing about your murdering plans. Plan ahead, so your plans don't end up dead. That's nobody's motto.

- The worst way to get someone to go to church is by dressing in sexy lingerie and convincing them with your tongue. It didn't work for me either. I'm no longer allowed in any retirement homes.

- The church lady does however have the best (de)parting line in the movie.

-Jack's girlfriend looks just like his great grandmother. That's not the least bit icky. At all.

- Ok, so you wanna know about the gore. It's kind of a mixed bag, but with me leaning more towards the good. There's decapitation and dismemberment scenes that looks beyond cheesy, but when it comes to acid, this movie is tops. There are several REALLY good acid effects that rivals any Italian horror as far as gore.

Overall I came in expecting another shitty SOV disaterpiece, and instead actually got a really fun flick. I actually forgot about it being on video and wanted to see how things worked out (though I had a clue). The guy playing Jack seems to really enjoy it, and while he toes the line into campy once or twice, he really does a great job playing a charismatic bad guy. The lead actress, while really pretty, is not so good an actress. Nice hooters though. I recommend it for fans of gore and SOV films.

The Visitor (1979)

The Visitor (1979)

Director: Giulio Paradisi

Stars: John Huston, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen

So apparently Space Satan was being a real bastard when Space God sent tons of birds to fight him. Space Satan, instead of turning into a Space cannon, turns into an eagle and kills most of them before becoming mortally wounded himself. He then decides to have sex with LOTS of women so his seed can carry out his plan to break shit and be assholes to the world. At least that's what Space Jesus is telling a group of bald children.

So Space God (Huston) comes in and says there's a demon he has to get...which is in the form of the bitchiest 8 year old girl ever created. She blows up basketballs, makes shit fall, and plays pong a lot.  Seems there's a plan for the Bad Seed to have a baby brother, whether the mother wants one or not. The Space demon/Illuminati sends the always sweet faced Lance Henriksen to do the job. When that doesn't work they go all date rapey.

Throw in Shelley Winters as the new housekeeper to the mom and devil child. She knows the score and proceeds to slap this little demon around...hopefully for our amusement. All this is going on while Space God is casually just strolling around without a care in the world.

I was VERY hesitant to watch this last night, figuring it to be another of those boring late 70's space movies where people talk A LOT. I was wrong...oh so very wrong. This movie is a glorious insane mess. How in the world they got John Huston, Glenn Ford, Mel Ferrer, Shelly Winters and Sam Peckinpah to be in this I'll never know.

Alamo Drafthouse Films has recently released a blu ray of this fantastic mess. So by all means pick this up. Here's a trailer to give you a taste of madness.

Six Things (I Think) I Took from The Visitor

1. If you're on the trail of a devil child and pissing her off, maybe when she sends her asshole hawk to peck your eyes out while you're driving maybe it's best if you instead of weaving at full speed between cars that you hit that bigger pad. It's called a "brake". It does things like stop so you can deal with your nasty little hawk pecking out your eyeballs problem.

2. Never in the history of cinema has there ever been as exciting an ice skating scene as the one in this film. Watch demon child knock motherfuckers with bad hair all over the place! See these assholes fail to beat up an 8 year old girl! Slow motion crashing free of charge!

3. At one point a space semi stops and we end up with a very disturbing scene I like to call "Close Encounters of the Rape Kind" as the Space Illuminati proceeds to impregnate the mom themselves. Not cool space demons...not cool.

4. I love Space God's theme music. It's like some cross between an action packed chase scene and the 6 O'Clock News. Here's Space Jesus with Action Weather!

5. I like that Shelley Winters does all this shit to help out Space God, including killing that pesky hawk that murdered Glenn Ford, and when she asks to go up to space Heaven is told "thanks for your help, now fuck off". Maybe Space God didn't say it exactly like that, but you could tell he was thinking it. Space jerk.

6. This movie makes no damn sense. So the whole purpose of Obi WannabeGod was to wander around Atlanta, let an innocent woman, whose only crime was having sex with Space Satan and having a demon seed, get shot in the spine (ON PURPOSE), plays pong with the demon child, lets the mom get beaten up multiple times, and unleashes more birds than a Prince video to do his dirty work....all so he can take demon kids to space Heaven? Why did Space God go and not hippie Space Jesus (an uncredited Franco Nero)? And why is everyone bald but these two?  Is it so they don't have competition for space chicks!? How many times do I have to write space in this article!?

Potpourri (2011)

Potpourri (2011)

Director: Elliot Diviney

Stars: Ryan Kiser, Mike Borka, Shannon McDonnough

After picking some less than stellar selections on Netflix, I decided to see if my wife could pick a better choice. This is the movie she chose.

A group of college students have one night to finish their term papers amd turn it in. Seems like an impossible task? Well of course it does. So how do you cope with trying to do a deeply researched paper on philosophy? If you said take lots of mind altering drugs, then that couch behind you probably told you that. Quit cheating.

Things gets a little out of control as it turns out the drugs are a bit...stronger than they should be. Of course this all ends with a zombie invasion. It's the only logical conclusion.

This is of course a horror comedy, and while I admit to be hesitant to watch horror comedies because of how badly most low budget filmmakers pull it off, this one actually did it. I admit it, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Good camerawork, a cast that can actually act, ad some pretty good gore effects to boot. 

Holy shit, they DO put more than unwatchable new crap on Netflix!

Six Things I Took From Potpourri

1. Noah may be the coolest character this side of Dazed and Confused's Wooderson, except without the creepy pedo stach and bright orange jeans. I only have the orange jeans. They make my butt look huge.

2. They had a k-y type jelly that once put on your chest , would make you trip. A couple guys ended up in a wooded King Arthur like place, killing barbarians and saving princesses. I took the same stuff and ended up stuck in a pipe with my bare ass hanging out thinking I was Mario. Maybe if I had a mushroom...

3. There is a musical number about great philosophers. Yes, it's a drug induced hallucination, but it's a catchy song  that stuck in my head afterwards. Shannon McDonnough's charming hipster character (and great singing voice) doesn't hurt things.

4. It's pretty refreshing to see a gay character in a movie and you're not being bashed in the head with "HEY THIS GUY IS GAY! LOOK AT HOW GAY HE IS!". He was a realistic, funny character. Bravo, Mr. Diviney.

5. This movie pokes fun at the online movie reviewer by having one "watching" the movie with comments every so often. Outside of a zombie invasion, it's eerily similar to how I watch a movie. I think guys like me jumped the shark, then took the shark out to dinner, slept with it, and then sent them a text saying it wasn't working out. It wasn't the shark...it was me.

6. Drugs don't write term papers, guys you meet in public bathrooms do.

 

Bruka: Queen of Evil (1973)

Bruka: Queen of Evil (1973)

Director: Felix Villar, Albert Yu

Stars: Rosemarie Gil, Etang Discher, Sandra De Veyra

In our first audio review, I take a look at this super rare batshit crazy flick about an angry Medusa and her wormy grandma.

Listen here!


Here's the kooky trailer!

 

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Director: Michael Cooney

Stars: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Scott MacDonald

So you thought the shower raping killer snowman was gone? WRONG! It seems the goverment can't leave shit well enough alone and dig up the antifreeze containing our watery villain. Some dipshit spills coffe on him and for some fucking reason, he returns to kill.

The Sheriff from the first movie is going on vacation with his wife, his pal Joe, and his annoying to the 13th degree soon to be wife. They arrive at a tropical island but having loser radar, ol' Jack finds his way to the island as well.

I have to admit something...I've never seen the first Jack Frost. It's not that I've never had the chance...it's just I try to avoid movies that everyone else gush on about (even for how bad it is). I mean, yeah, I liked the Room but Birdemic was a boring piece of shit and was hard to sit through even with the Rifftrax commentary. So when I saw the trailer for this on youtube, I thought "why the hell not". Then I thought "I wonder if I'm the only person who enjoys Bac-os on their own". Then my wife tells me to shut up because I've been saying that shit out loud instead of thinking.

Six Things I've Learned from Jack Frost 2

1. If you work at a place where the owner wears a safai suit 24/7, the security guy looks like a chubby Snake Plisken, and your coworker is Captain Fun, I'd look for the nearest icicle to impale myself on.

2. I have to reluctantly admit, this is a pretty fun movie. It doesn't take itself seriously, and it doesn't beat you over the head with jokes aimed at people with the IQ of a 3 week dead squid. The ice cube to the nipples scene is a real highlight for horror comedy that actually works.

3. I'm always amused when there are nude scenes in a film and they go out of their way to cut out any of the lower nudity. I'm sure it's because the actress doesn't want her golden vagina to be on display, but I like to imagine that the director was morally against showing it. " Bare breasts are fine, but I will NOT sully the good name of Jack Frost with the showing of baby incubators!"

4. I could tell this was set at Christmas because when the resort bus unloaded, I counted four main morons, three dumb bimbos, two stupid jocks, and a gay man stereotype.

5. Dear God was seeing Captain Fun get an icicle in the face one of life's simple pleasures. I rewound and watched that scene a good 15-20 times. I...have issues.

6. On a tragically sad but morbidly funny note, star Christopher Allport was killed in 2008...by an avalanche. Yes, lots of snow. I'm not always the best judge of it, but I "think" that might go in the irony files.

Iced (1988)

Iced (1988)

Director:  Jeff Kwitny

Stars: Lisa Loring, Debra De Liso, Doug Stevenson

Jeff, who is head over heels in love with some girl ends up dying in a skiing accident. Four or five years later, the girl, her husband and their friends all show up at this cabin to reunite. But wait! Somebody is killing off these fine folks! Has the deceased Jeff returned...or has somebody else decided to take revenge for him? I think you can figure it out on your own.

This isn't a bad movie by any stretch, just one riddled with plotholes. After Eddie, the Freddy Mercury lookalike is killed, he calls his girlfriend Jeanette (Lisa Loring) and tells her he's with Jeff, who is of course dead. Maybe it's a tiny spoiler, but the killer is IN the same room so how did they pull this off and who was doing Eddie's voice? Don't bother finding out cause it's never explained.

It's a typical slasher film with some real unlikable characters. It's nothing groundbreaking, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Plus, hey, at least I got to see Wednesday Addams all grown up and nude in a hot tub. Had to overlook the big hair, but otherwise that was quite enjoyable for me. Thumbs up.

Six Things I've Learned from Iced 

1. The final girl here has a terrible disorder. Whenever she steps foot into a kitchen, she is compelled to do exercises. She does cook a mean steak in the rec room though.

2. If you want to impress a girl, skiing off a small cliff chest first into some rocks might make a better plan B.

3. If you must do cocaine, it's always best to do it buck ass naked.

4. There is very little gore in this movie, but at least the killer is creative with his methods. Icicles, the old heater in a hot tub and a ski in neckonomy are all in his bag of tricks.

5. It's bad manners to make out with your realtor in front of your friends. Wait until at least three of your friends have left the room first.

6. The twist within a twist is perhaps one of the most laughably insane things I've seen. After the killer is dispatched (won't reveal who it is, but it ain't hard to figure out) we cut to "five years later". Our happy final couple are enjoying some time in the woods with their two children building the worst snowman I've ever seen. Trina, our final girl, puts on the last coal eye, which then starts to bleed. Then suddenly, our killer bursts out of the snowman. Five years later. After getting shot in the face. Hiding in some kids' shitty snowman. That is one dedicated killer.

Beasties (1991)

Beasties (1991)

Director: Steven Paul Contreras

Stars: Eric C. Bushman, Denise Mora, James Jeffries

I hate when movies try to advertise themselves as the worst movie ever. The Golden Turkey jackasses tried to do it with Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's not...not by a long shot. The director of Beasties tried to call his film the worst movie ever a few years back and of course he's wrong as well. I've already seen the worst movie ever in Alien Beasts, and I still have some David "The Rock" Nelson movies to review. I know it's some marketing ploy, but you can take Troll 2, and Birdemic, and shove em up your asses. They aren't the worst movies ever...they're just unwatchable crap.

This convoluted mess is about some nerd who finds a spaceship, so of course in the name of being "friendly" he steals one of the ship's eggs. Yes, because being a thief will show the evil hand puppets you're a good guy. 

So he and his big haired girlfriend show up at this other chick's house. Now she had been fighting off a beastie after she and her body double took a shower. They work together to..do something while other characters come and go comically. 

There's also a punk gang lead by Hammerhead who all worship this Skeletor wannabe named Osires. He likes to surround himself with rejected GLOW wrestlers and make them fight to the death. Oh and Hammerhead's old lady really does look like an old lady, with her crow's feet and her giant Cher hair.

This movie jumps from scene to scene without making a bit of sense. Then at the end, our hero stands in front of the main alien and delivers a 10 minute exposition on what's going on. And I STILL couldn't make any sense out of it.

Oh well, at least it's entertaining in a goofy way. Not the worst movie ever.

Six Things I've Learned From Beasties

1. Every group of punks need their own giant fat hairy guy. It's punk union rules.

2. The "beasties" themselves are perhaps the coolest looking hand puppets ever to show up on super 8. They reminded me of a cross between two toys from the 80's, Boglins and the insect vehicles of the Sectaurs. I want one of my own!

3. When the soundtrack started playing that fake tuba fat guy/nerd music, I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a fat (for 1991) nerdy guy pulls up in his car. I know my fat/nerd music...mainly because the guy making it won't stop following me around. It hurts.

4. There's very little of the beasties in question in this film. The main villains are this inept group of punks that basically annoy people and have ugly amazonian chick fights. The title of this should have been "Annoying Assholes With Bad Hair".

5. I'm very impressed with the suppose main villain's batting helmet made from some poor schmuck's skull. I was less impressed when he drank blood and became a minor league version of a member of GWAR.

6. So the big twist in this film is that the alien ship that has landed is in fact, our nerdy hero from the future after performing stupid experiments on himself. So basically our hero is making his girlfriend go up inside him (a future him, yes, but him nonetheless). Geez pal, you should start out slow...like a couple fingers deep first. Perv.

Alien Beasts (1991)

Alien Beasts (1991)

Director: Carl J. Sukenick

Stars: Carl J. Sukenick, Joe LaPenna, Deveen Dellisee

I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I've suffered through Death Nurse. I've cried in pain during Santa Claws. My family disowned me for watching Chain Letter. But this...I...

I'm going to say it...this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Congratulations Carl, your film is worse than a Nick Millard film. Hell, it makes Death Nurse seem like MASH in comparison.

Let me see if I can explain this "plot". There are alien intruders going after Carl J. Sukenick. I assume Carl named the character after himself because he wouldn't respond to any other name. He sends a team of morons out to go fight a chick wearing a mask in his backyard, while some guy who looks like a cross between a burn victim and an overcooked turkey walks like the Minister of Silly Walks and oozes out purple shit. There's also an old guy watching all this for no reason.

I honest to God don't know what the fuck I watched. Insane repeating narration from the director, editing done by a cat walking on a keyboard, pauses so long you could fit entire commercial breaks in them, a plot...you know what, I can't even list six things I've learned from this because the whole movie is a goddamn mess.

My brilliant wife (who suffered through this with me) suggested that I show you how horrible this is. She helped me put this 13 minute clip together. The beginning and ending are left intact. The only things I left out was a pointless ten minute nude scene where a woman stands around topless looking at the same shit over and over, and some family dying and visibly breathing for minutes afterwards.

Remember, I shortened this down to spare YOU the pain of watching the entire hour and fourteen minute monstrosity.

Vampire Cop (1990)

Vampire Cop (1990)

Director: Donald Farmer

Stars: Ed Cannon, Melissa Moore, Mal Arnold

There's too many bad movies with cop in the title. Sure you got Maniac Cop, but then on the other end you got Samurai Cop and Psycho Cop. Now I made myself watch Vampire Cop. If all these cops were in one precinct, I'd move to the other side of the country because you just know you're gonna get pulled over for speeding and end up missing a couple limbs.

So what I could gather from the threadbare plot, there's this drug dealin, prostitute shootin asshole named Hans Geiger (no, not the Geiger counter creator...he was in Psycho Cop 2) who is terrorizing the city somehow...not exactly sure how since the only people he kills at first are hookers and the world's worst undercover cop. But when Vampire Cop's hobo dressing partner is killed, it's personal...I think. He never seems too broken up over it.

Melissa Moore is the nosy TV reporter who wants to know what really happened when several scumbags are killed with bite marks on their necks. She does this by showing her tits...a lot. Oh and sleeping with a vampire.

I'm pretty sure the combined IQ of everyone in this film is potato. 

Six Things I've Learned From Vampire Cop

1. The opening theme song is awesome, but did it really need to go on for almost 10 minutes? There were so many people getting credit at the beginning of this film I thought I had stumbled into a Rent-A-Center promotional tape.

2. Young women normally stalk someone's house in slow motion while making perverted male wheezing sounds. If you find one, by all means invite it to mooch off of you at your home for a few days.

3. Lucas, the undead title character, is perhaps the most unsympathetic hero I've seen in several years. He murders a hooker for no reason, and whines about using his powers for good. I don't know about you, you Reb Brown knockoff, but biting the bad guys and turning them into the undead isn't exactly "helping".

4. If you have to have a henchman, always make sure you get one that has a distinguishing characteristic. The main henchman in this film enjoyed snacking constantly. Yours could perhaps knit menacingly or  tape over someone's wedding video.

5. There is a guy constantly in a bathtub in this film. I have no idea why he was in the bathtub, what his relationship is to the bad guys, or even why he was in the fucking movie to begin with!

6. If you are someone who has recently been bitten by a vampire and have in fact turned into one, your first choice of action is probably NOT running out of the house into the morning sun.Either this person is the stupidest vampire created, and thus needed to be immediately destroyed, or he became a reverse vampire. It's a certain breed of vampire that only does the opposite of what you ask it to do. If you tell it not to hurt you, then you might as well hand over your collection of Flock of Seagulls bobbleheads to that cousin who hates you right now. If you tell a reverse vampire to not go outside, watch that sumbitch run on out there and get the worse sunburn ever.

Recent VHS Purchasealooza!

While I work on the final two articles for the Top 15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die (#10-#6 and #5-#1) I thought it'd be cool to show you some of the recent VHS purchases me and my better half have made in the last few weeks.

I love VHS tapes. Sure I have a pretty good collection of DVD's and such and enjoy em, there's something about watching a VHS tape that gives me the warm and fuzzies (I checked with a doctor...it's not contagious). Besides the stuff like the old logos, the goofy coming attractions for horrible films, and of course the FBI warning, there's quite a few things that's out that haven't seen the light of day as a DVD (or the DVD came and went and now goes for hundreds of dollars).

These are just a few pictures of the more than 80 VHS tapes we've bought in the last month (at a quarter a pop). Most of these are rentals, and quite a few those screeners they sent to video stores, only to have the cheapass video store use them as rentals. 

I'll also be posting a few to my facebook page (Which is right here) and to the WWWofCF's Twitter page (In this direction) so Like and add us for more goodies!

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Director: James Shyman

Stars: Bobby Johnston, Francine Lapensée, Joe Balogh

In slasher films, there must be three things in it for it to be a good slasher...cool kills and nudity. You can sacrifice one of these two and maybe come out with something passable, but take them both out and you have Hollywood's New Blood.

A bunch of terrible actors are at some acting seminar in a cabin in the woods. A big mulleted, stiff as a board Brawny Man (minus the porn stach) named Brad tells the story of how the wrong building was rigged up for a movie scene and accidentally blew up the place this cabin is now standing on. It killed everyone except three brothers who are out wandering the woods with greasepaint on their faces and murder in their hearts. 

People start dying off, but any chance of having any cool deaths are shattered when you realize that they ALWAYS CUT TO A REACTION SHOT WHEN THE KILLING STARTS! I'm sure it's because the filmmakers were too stupid to know how to do the simplest of tasks, but can you at least SHOW the fucking knife going into the victim. It ruins my enjoyment of their deaths.

Six Things I've Learned From Hollywood's New Blood

1. I find it funny that the movie takes place during an acting seminar, when it's clear that none of the people in this movie actually know how to act. Very meta.

2. Some of the worst screaming comes from this movie. In one scene our morons thinks one of their friends are getting killed only to see her in the throes of passion...which for this movie is two jackasses under a cover. So when she screams for real, everyone thinks she's playing with her boyfriend's donkey kong. A better scream would have stopped that. I wonder if they make those nose opening strips for throats?

3. This movie clocks in at an hour and 17 minutes, but feels like it's as long as watching all three extended versions of Lord of the Rings. The last 14 minutes of this movie is nothing but credits and an extended recap of EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW! There's so much padding in this movie that they can put it in the walls of the nuthouse suite I'll be staying at because of this shitheap!

4. The acting coach's method is to "take a break". Things getting heated ...take a break. Cue cards not high enough to read? Take a break. Getting murdered by ugly grease painted hillbillies? I'll be in the break room.

5. I get that this is yet in another looooong line of people in the woods getting slaughtered movie,and that's fine, but if you're going to film the woods, at least realize the differences between the sounds of crickets chirping or bullfrogs croaking, and the goddamn rain forest that you decided to insert instead. There ain't no damn monkeys in them woods!

6. I will give this movie one tiny piece of credit. The way the final bad guy gets his may just be one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways to die  I have ever seen. Brawny Man shoves the skull of the bad guy's mother into the bad guy's face and...well look for yourself...

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary (2013)

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

Director: Nimrod Zalmanowitz

Stars: Aaron Mathias, Laura Gilreath, Nathan Spiteri

I am a moron. You would think after 100 Ghost Street that I'd learn my lesson about watching new horror on Netflix. But I am the guy who willingly watched Chain Letter, so I really shouldn't be shocked.

At least this movie attempts to go outside of the now generic found footage cliche of a bunch of morons trapped in some ugly old building they have no business being in getting killed. I even saw some pretty nice camera shots. Hell, some of the acting wasn't all that bad. I wanted to add more positive stuff, but to be honest I don't have any.

The story is two buddies plan a documentary about Typhoid Mary. Girlfriend wants to help so she does a seance. Now what do you think happens to her?

A. She realizes that all that incense is giving her a headache and goes to bed

or

B. She becomes possessed by Typhoid Mary

I won't spoil it...well not blatantly, but I think you can figure out the answer. This movie made me seriously think about cancelling my Netflix account.

Six Things I've Learned From Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

1. Girlfriend possessed? That's cool. It'll be like doing two chicks at the same time.

2. I just remembered another positive thing about this movie...unlike 100 Ghost Street, where they made shit up about Richard Speck willy nilly, this one is pretty accurate about Typhoid Mary. Gotta give them props for doing their research.

3. Why introduce a character that's made out to be important, but ends up dying THREE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER YOU INTRODUCE THEM!? And who the hell killed this character!? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS MOVIE!?!?!

4. Please don't have your non possessed characters all be bi-polar. Screaming one minute and then calmly talking the next. Best example is the random fat TV's Frank lookalike who goes from creaming his pants over an old bottle of drugs to acting like he's going to stab the two main guys for having it. Stop chewing the scenery, you already ate most of it.

5. Not everything scary that happens needs to have the word Paranormal tacked onto it. I'm waiting on such films as Paranormal Mediocrity, Paranormal Radiology, and Paranormal Paranormalty.

6. As a screenwriter myself, I can honestly say this script is horrible. What could have been a very promising film is ruined not only by the inane dialogue that is spoken by the actors (badly I might add), but the simple fact that you never are clear about what the hell is going on until AFTER it's already happened. And that's only half the time. The rest of the time you're stuck with your thumb up your ass. I was making up explanations as the movie went on. In my version, Typhoid Mary was living in some old island with the muppets, while the two guys were randomly killing off everyone they met so they could get their money and put on that off off broadway musical they always wanted to do about Mary. Made a hell of a lot more sense than what I saw.