Blood Freak (1972)

Blood Freak (1972)

Directors: Brad F. Ginter, Steve Hawkes

Stars: Steve Hawkes, Dana Cullivan, Heather Hughes

Bad films seem to somehow find their way into my life, and disappointingly, onto my television. Take last night for example. I was all set to watch something that didn't make me want to pray to the little girl from the Visitor to send her pet bird to peck my eyes out. I decided to let my beautiful wife, who likes to watch "real" films (you know, ones with budgets, real actors, and sets not made from children's materials) pick the movie.

"There's a movie I've been wanting you to see for a couple years now" She said. usually her film choices are ones that I resist, but later had to admit to being fun to watch. I WAS a little suspicious however when she started handing me beer bottles to drink before the movie started.

Now I know why. I got hookwinked into an awful movie.

Blood Freak is a regional horror film from Florida about Herschell, a big biker guy who looks and acts like a proto Tommy Wiseau, hanging out with a bible quoting babe and her sister, who likes to do biblical things with Herschell. After hooking up with the drug happy sister, Herschell goes to work on some guy's turkey farm. Not really sure what the hell kind of turkey farm this is, because there are two "scientists" who ask Herschell to eat a whole turkey injected with some strange chemical they are working on. The Hersch devours the turkey, and before you know it he's a giant turkey headed freak.

Will Turkey Hersch still get him some of that sweet lovin? Will his unusual turkey crazed lust for blood be sated?  Or is he doomed to be chased around by the Butterball people each November? 

Things I've Learned/Suffered from Watching Blood Freak

- I know this had a budget of 15 bucks, but wasn't there a better choice for a scientist than the bastard Hee Haw love child of Roy Clark and Junior Samples?

- Although I'm sure drug dealers want to look cool like the rest of us, if your haircut consists of greaser in the back and a 12 head in the front, you might want to see a different stylist. The Chinese Fonzie monk look just ain't workin'.

- I like how the movie makes you think the bible quoting lady is the main gal of the film when, SWERVE, it's her drug addicted sister! Because the star of the film (who also co-wrote and co-directed) couldn't spell heroine correctly.

- It is a social faux pas to call someone a tramp at a swinging drug party. They worked hard to put together this party of sex and drugs and you have to be the turd in the punchbowl.

- Turkeyhead Hersch has to be seen to be believed. It's like someone saw a turkey once, and then decided he should look like a chicken/owl hybrid instead. 

- While Hersch was rude at your party, it does NOT mean you can invite your friends over and take a gander at your sideshow boyfriend. At least make them keep the stuffing and the cranberries in the car.

- Want to be in the film but all the good parts are taken? Just make yourself the narrator and you too can play God. PULL ZE STRINGS!

If you don't want to be spoiled: read no further.

- This movie, despite the many MANY flaws, was an almost enjoyable piece of crap. Turkeyhead hersch was killing folks and his girlfriend showed her butt. Too bad that they decide that this wasn't a crazy monster slasher, but an anti drug/pro Jesus film! I'm pro Jesus, sure, but unless he's fighting off Turkeyhead Hersch, I'd rather not have him thrown into the mix for no reason. Don't pretend that his mutation and killing spree was nothing more than a long ass hallucination! I don't care if he kicks the habit and rejoins his stupid girlf friend! I want her to have to blast his damn turkeyneck off and serve him for dinner to all her stoner friends while they watch Up In Smoke for the 400th time! ARRRGHHH!

Five Fingers of Death (1972)

Five Fingers of Death (1972)

Director: Chang Ho Cheng

Stars: Lieh Lo, Ping Wang, Hsiung Chao

If you've watched at least a hand full of old Kung Fu Theater style flicks, you know the story. Guy goes to train for tournament with new master. Rival school is made up of a bunch of dickweeds who fuck with the good school. When that backfires, they hire assholes to murder them. Good guy gets his hands broken by bad guys so he doesn't learn the Iron Fist technique, but he learns it anyways. Good guy wins the tournament, but at a cost of several people's lives...and eyeballs. Served with a nice dish of revenge.

This was the movie that kicked off the kung fu movie craze here in the United States. Before long, we were overwhelmed with both good and mainly awful martial arts flicks. Personally, I love martial arts films. I remember waking up as a kid on Saturday mornings and watching it. Cartoons, Memphis wrestling, then Kung-Fu Theater. Good times.

This one is definitely one of the films you need to see if you're new to the genre. It's got fun action, lots of blood, and bad dubbing. You don't have to have all three of those requirements, but at least two of them. Godfrey Ho movies only have the bad dubbing...and white guys named Ira wearing ninja headbands. You're just not ready for that yet, noob.

Things I've Learned/ Things to Watch Out For

- There's a female character in this film who is a singer. I thought "cool, I always wanted to hear what music was like there". I'm really hoping this is a bad example, because she sounded like a cat that got caught up in barb wire. Her backing band seemed cool though.

- If you look like a Chinese Alfred Molina, chances are you're going to be a bad guy.

-If you get jealous because your dad/Master likes this other guy better to teach him his super secret fighting technique, joining the bad guys to have them break his hands is probably a bad idea. Of course, that's made apparent when they proceeded to kick his ass later and rip out his eyeballs. Well at least he doesn't have to see that he looks like Elvis anymore.

- That crazy sound in Kill Bill when Kiddo sees one of her enemies and everything turns red? Yeah, came from this movie. "It's an HOMAGE, damn you!'

- So the beginning of the movie, the main guy is sent out to train for a tournament. Next thing you know, it's been a year and he still hasn't finished training. How far in advance were these tournaments? It would be like inviting someone on Facebook to my son's graduation, even though he's in the fifth grade. And the main guy is STILL LATE for the fucking thing.

- Chinese people think that Japanese folks are long nasty haired mute savages if this film is any indication.

- Having watched quite a few of these films, the one basic rule of thumb to live is when bad guys start fucking with the hero, and the hero humiliates them, you move as far the fuck away from there as possible. Because pal, you're gonna get yer guts spilled out in front of you while you're watching Growing Pains reruns.

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

Director: Jun Fukuda

Stars: Hiroshi Ishikawa, Yuriko Hishimi, Minoru Takashima

Godzilla and Anguiris duke it out with Gigan and King Ghidorah in an amusement park created by cockroaches from another planet. Their plan is to destroy Earth with Gigan and King Ghidorah.

6 Things I Learned From Godzilla vs. Gigan

1. The Homework Monster will ruin your weekends.

2. The best place to hide incriminating tapes is in a train station pay locker.

3. Gigan was born via an exploding crystal.

4. Guns in Japan look like vibrators.

5. Cockroaches will invade Earth to destroy it. Don’t worry, they’ll human costumes from the gift shop first.

6. King Ghidorah is a prick! He zaps his foes in the balls.