15 Underrated Villains #11: Conal Cochran (Halloween 3)

I must admit to something, and I know in horror fandom it's on par with blasphemy, but I need to get it off my chest. I'll hope you'll respect me in the morning when I say this.

I don't like Michael Myers.

Now don't get me wrong, the first Halloween was a really good slasher. Hell, any movie where I get to see PJ Soles topless is a-ok with me. But Michael Myers as a character was a bit one note. You can say the same with Jason, but no one takes those films seriously.

After part two, John Carpenter and Debra Hill wanted to take the series in another direction by making each new film a different story based on the holiday itself, which I thought was a great idea. But the poor box office to Halloween III put an end to that. 

I love  the third Halloween film. I know it gets shit on by lots of people because of the lack of a mute guy in a bad Shatner mask, but if you can look past that, it really is a scary, fun ride.

Dr. Challis goes to Santa Mira to investigate a mysterious death involving a Silver Shamrock mask and some bulging eyes being pushed waaay back in the poor dope's head. Chalis takes the dead man's daughter with him, and they get busy in a gross motel room. 

Challis and Boo find out that the whole town is under the control of one Conal Cochran, the owner of Silver Shamrock Novelties. Conal is like a mix between your kind grandpa, and Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

Challis and Boo end up finding out that the guards Conal has aren't men, but Devo androids. Like in most horror movies, they are caught and separated. Challis finally learns of Conal's evil plan as he watches the lamest family in America get an early test of the new Silver Shamrock commercial that's about to be aired. Side effects to this commercial includes panic, disorder, bugs and snakes coming out of your body, and death. 

It's very strange to see children die in a horror film, and I like seeing it not because of kids dying, but because I know there isn't much that's going to be taboo. Cochran is the ultimate "DAMN KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!" guy in that he plans on using chips in the Silver Shamrock masks to go off when the commercial is played, killing all these kids. That is one fucked up man.

Here's Conal telling Challis why he's doing what he doing. Enjoy!

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #11 - The Kupfer Family from Halloween 3

#11-the Kupfer Family - The Nuclear Family You Wanna Bomb

Halloween 3 takes a lot of shit from people because that lameass Michael Myers isn't in it. But yet shit like parts 4 - 800 get a pass. Screw that noise. I thought it was brilliant to spin another Halloween type story instead of the now traditional "mute guy walks around stabbing morons" narrative. A guy has to go stop this evil mask making bastard from killing off all the kids and taking over the world. Not entirely sure how killing kids would enable you to rule the world, but the man had a plan damn it.

But this movie isn't without it's faults. The story is a little hokey at times, and that fucking Silver Shamrock song is among the most annoying "jingles" ever created. But the big argument against the movie is a little three person unit called the Kupfers.

Take all the irritating personality traits from the 80's, roll up em into a ball, and have them have sweaty stinky unromantic sex until a bastard kid splinters off from them and you'll have the Kupfers. Let's look at the three strikes against them.

1. They almost kill the lead character right off the bat. Dr. Challis is a man who should be commended for investigating the evil goings on in the town of Santa Mira. Now realize that Dr. Challis is not only stressed out at being an awesome doctor, but his nagging ex-wife is constantly bothering him to do things with the kids. Look kids, you should be honored to come from such hallowed seed. 

Anyway, Dr. Awesome Challis and his hot young friend arrive at the motel when this monstrosity of an RV almost kills the good doctor! Sure they apologize, but I knew it was insincere.

2. The dad makes a living selling shitty halloween masks to kids. He probably sold other trinkets like fake vomit, and that stuff that makes it look like smoke is coming from your fingertips (Man that shit stunk something fierce) , but this guy sold the most masks that year. A person who sells that many masks MUST HAVE NO MORALS! I'm just glad he saw what effect those masks were going to have on kids by watching wild kingdom come out of his kid's ugly face.

3. I...I really don't have a number 3, so ..uh...let me think...OH! I heard once at the Christmas party Buddy (the dad's name) place of work threw every year that he had unprotected sex with the new receptionist. She thought it was the hot mail runner, but because he was wearing a mask she didn't know. Turns out she got pregnant, and Buddy refused to take a paternity test and he got her fired so she had to clean houses while working as a flamenco teacher. 

That bastard child grew up to be Shia Labeouf.

Here's their deaths.

WWWofCF's Top 15 Favorite Horror Movie Moments #14

Today we're going to look at what I consider the best Halloween film. I know some of you will have those pitchforks and torches ready (and where are you getting those torches at?) because everyone loves the original Halloween. While I enjoy that film, and it boasts one of the greatest horror themes ever, it just lacks something to me. I will say it was close only for the thrill of seeing PJ Soles' boobs, but I have the extended version of Stripes to watch constantly...and alone...and with tissue.

Halloween 3 is my favorite of the series simply because the story is pretty damn awesome.  a crazy  mask maker (who owns a town and has a 6 pm curfew) and his army of robots steals one of the large rocks of Stonehenge. That's right, somehow this guy and his walking mechanical army actually managed to BRING A PART OF STONEHENGE BACK TO THE UNITED STATES!! Anyway, Doctor Challus, who is a big ol' whore, is trying unravel the mystery behind these masks. 

Now let me go slightly off topic and ask a question...why would all these kids want what basically ammounts to three very fucking generic masks? I'm sure Skull head Elvis would be a hit at parties, but there's only so many ways you take a witch mask. Was it the givaway? Cause if so, that must have been the best prize on the face of the earth for kids to play a pumpkin for halloween. More like halloweenies, amirite?

#14 "Watch the Magic Pumpkin" Halloween 3

Today's scene is one of my favorites simply because an annoying kid gets it. I get tired of seeing the kid get away simply because they're a fucking kid. If it's a smart kid who outwits the killer, that's different, but Billy Bastard should have to follow the same rules of horror films as us adults, dagnabbit. 

I have no idea why a small piece of Stonehenge would cause a kid to spit out bugs and large snakes. I was saddened however, to find the no midgets were going to come out and dance around the dead kid. That race of druids means business!