American Revenge (1988)

American Revenge (1988)

Director: David Schwartz

Stars: Matt Hannon(!), James Van Patten, A.D. Muyich

I've been waiting for the right time to review this cinematic turkey, and being it's almost Thanksgiving, that time is now.

Jag (Muyich) is just your friendly, bodybuilding, non American drug dealer. He's looking to get out of the business after yet another attempt to kill him, but his pal Mel (Van Patten) sets up one last big deal with Angelo (Hannon) out in the desert. Angelo has other ideas, and tries to kill our heroic drug dealer. It's time for some revenge...AMERICAN REVENGE...although Jag doesn't sound the least bit American. Van Patten does, so I guess there's the American part. You got me on a technicality this time movie.

I tracked this one down simply because it's the only other film (to date) that has Samurai Cop Matt Hannon in it. He channels Stallone a bit too much (he did do bodyguard work for Sly), but I thought he did better as the villain than as Samurai Cop Joe (though he was more entertaining in SC).

The rest of this film is a mess of Vegas shots, old fat guys as henchmen, a leading man who can barely put a sentence together, and a director that I just now (as I'm writing this) realized is the director of that other awful movie I reviewed, Las Vagas Bloodbath. Both movies awful, both oddly enduring.

Things I Got Out of American Revenge

- Fast food places such as Burger King are tremendously bad places to deal in ill gotten jewelry. Those kids may look like royalty with those paper hats, but they'll take off with your loot first chance they get. Little bastards.

- If your right hand man is a fat guy named Tiny that looks like he failed the Roadhouse "fat thug" audition, you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel of henchmen.

- Some odd product placement in this film. I'm not sure that Chevy approved that "Heartbeat of America" hat the drug buyer was wearing. No wonder my Taurus drove me from Georgia to Maine in 5 hours and then crashed for a week.

- When a shootout is happening at the bar you are at, It's important to just stand there with your back to the action. Sure you'll get shot, but no one is gonna spike that drink of yours lady!

- While you are a guest at the home of a sleazy drug dealer surrounded by losers with guns, asking for a cut of the drug money is a serious social faux pas

. Things I heard during Matt Hannon's first scene:

Someone saying "It's me" off camera"

A guy telling someone his wife is worried about the guns at their house

And the director saying "action" in the very next scene

- Hey ladies of the church, you wanna come to Vegas to sin, you gotta be prepared to be stuck in a dingy room with an old guy wearing a fake scar named "Scratch". THAT'S Hell!

- Line from the guy who fucks up the BK jewelry deal AND kidnaps the wrong people "I never make the same mistake twice". YOU JUST FUCKING DID!

- Tiny and Scratch have a scene together taking henchmen business, and they come off like two good buddies hanging out. I would have watched an entire movie about the daily lives of these two henchmen. Too bad Scratch dies like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. 

-  Maybe I was hard on the guy who screws things up. Maybe he used to be a good henchmen but personal issues got in the way. Maybe his mortgage is due, or his little henchchildren are sick. I should give him a break.

- Never take your girlfriend to a drug deal.

- When the buddy who doesn't flake out on you gets blown up, maybe you should be screaming like a girl for him instead of crying out for the pal that shows up late. 

- "Sorry, but I was playing strip poker with trashy women" is never a good excuse.

-  I love the banner for the I Have A Dream Beauty pageant. Straight out of a county fair. I'm pretty sure that dream didn't involve being leered at by the director's buddies. Thanks for the sponsorship 7-Up!

- Nice of the director to read lines for the beauty pageant guy so he'll  know what to say on the phone.

-Why was the hero of this video a drug dealer?! Are we suppose to sympathize with the roided out German sounding drug dealer?! I was really hoping for a sequel that starred am Italian legless money launderer who has to run one last pyramid scheme before being double crossed by actual Egyptians who want to put the money in a real pyramid. Since it's Vegas, the Pyramid will be headlined by Frank Sinatra Jr....and James Van Patten.