Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Director: Nick Millard

Stars: Gomez Addams, Conway Twitty with boobs, some Super 8mm folks from the 70's

You know, there must be some part of me that just hates myself. It's the only explanation I can find when I think to myself "I should watch a Nick Millard film!" I mean, I know it's going to be bad, but it's like my brain forces itself to hide from me just how bad a Nick Millard film is. 

The worst part is this movie's only 56 minutes long!

Ok, so Dr. Thorn/Thornson/Whatever the fuck they wanna call him is an abortion doctor. I guess he hates that they (including him) are killing unborn children because he shows up at his patients' houses later and murders them. While this is going on, his hideous wife (played by Millard's real wife) is sleeping around with a moronic Polish poet. I'm not making a joke...he's a moron and he's referred to as Polish.

That's it really. Millard's movies just wander along without any idea of time passage or plot or anything resembling a real movie. The fact that he takes himself so damn seriously (if you ever pick up the DVD of Death Nurse, you'll know what I mean) just means he has no idea just how horrible he is as a director. 

I truly think that Nick Millard is the worst director ever. Yes, ever worse than Andy Milligan, and even worse than the Alien Beasts guy.

Things I've Learned/Suffered Watching This Film

- Nick Millard REALLY loves zooming in on shit that really not important. A murder? Nah. A guy twiddling his thumbs? LET'S GET ALL OF THAT HOT ACTION BABY! I really don't need to see the pores on Doctor Bloodbath's nose or his unplucked unibrow.

-I'm not a doctor, but I think it takes more than repeatedly shoving a turkey baster full of water into some woman's hoo-haa to cause an abortion.

- If you ask your husband to help you with an abortion on someone else's child, don't be shocked when he fucking murders you while you sleep. Even if you look like a long dead country music star.

- I love how there are characters in this movie that are clearly from another movie (and decade)...and in a different format altogether.. Hell, Doctor Bloodbath even murders one of them for no reason at all.

-Oh look, footage from Satan's Black Wedding in this film too! Hell, even Crazy Ol' Fat Ethyl makes an appearance for no damn reason in this shitheap.

- There's actually some decent looking women in this film, although there's also a lady who looked like she sleeps nightly for 12 hours in a tanning bed. She's someone's beef jerky baby.

-I get putting your family in this film (Nick's mother is the nurse, his wife is Conway Twitty), but do we really need to see a loving closeup of your wife's pancake cleavage? No, we really don't.

-Police stations don't have closets!

-The ending of this movie (while only 56 minutes, seems like 4 hours) is the doctor in a crazy house (I think) while some guy sits on his couch and makes weird finger gestures, That's a Nick Millard film for you...incomprehensible and beyond stupid.

- I REALLY HATE NICK MILLARD. YOU SUCK AT FILM MAKING!

Awful Movie Month is Here!

As you can tell by the frightened eyes of John Wintergate, you have entered the Wide Weird World of CRAP Films. All through November, I will be enduring some of the worst films ever put on celluloid, VHS, DV, or someone drawing pictures on duct tape. Some may be entertaining exploits, other will make me wear my eyeballs as earrings. But all watched for the sake of your entertainment.

Come feel the pain with me all month. I may even post clips, if I'm not under the kitchen table in the fetal position crying.

Fatal Exposure (1989)

Fatal Exposure (1989)

Director: Peter B. Good

Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Renee Cline

As you can see right above me, this review is for the 2014 Gore-A-Thon. Now when I was asked to do this, I checked out what everyone else was doing. They were doing some really good, really gory movies. So I decided that instead of leaning towards masters like Fulci and Argento, I went with what I can only speculate as Chuck Berry's favorite director, Peter B. Good.

This shot on video "film" is about the great grandson of Jack the Ripper, only now he's calling himself Jack T. Ripperton. Yeah, that won't raise any suspicion. He's a photographer living in a huge mansion where he takes people pictures along with their lives (and sometimes body parts). Apparently drinking these victims' blood will make you more sexually potent. No wonder Dracula's always got a hard on.

Jack finally meets the girl of his dreams and together they kill of more models...him knowingly, her not so much.What Jack really wants is a Jack Jr. to carry on his legacy murdering folks. That's sweet.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Watch For

- If a serial killer gives you a pop quiz, 99.9% of the time you are going to fail it. By fail, I mean die horribly. Now I wouldn't be pleased with getting murdered, but giving me an exam before dying? That's just sick.

- It's nice that Jack found himself the dumbest woman on the planet to carry his seed. The car radio pretty much has to tell her flat out that her boyfriend's the murderer. Their kid is going to be a murdering moron.

-If you're going to talk to the camera, make sure you do it in your house and not in public. You don't really want other people knowing about your murdering plans. Plan ahead, so your plans don't end up dead. That's nobody's motto.

- The worst way to get someone to go to church is by dressing in sexy lingerie and convincing them with your tongue. It didn't work for me either. I'm no longer allowed in any retirement homes.

- The church lady does however have the best (de)parting line in the movie.

-Jack's girlfriend looks just like his great grandmother. That's not the least bit icky. At all.

- Ok, so you wanna know about the gore. It's kind of a mixed bag, but with me leaning more towards the good. There's decapitation and dismemberment scenes that looks beyond cheesy, but when it comes to acid, this movie is tops. There are several REALLY good acid effects that rivals any Italian horror as far as gore.

Overall I came in expecting another shitty SOV disaterpiece, and instead actually got a really fun flick. I actually forgot about it being on video and wanted to see how things worked out (though I had a clue). The guy playing Jack seems to really enjoy it, and while he toes the line into campy once or twice, he really does a great job playing a charismatic bad guy. The lead actress, while really pretty, is not so good an actress. Nice hooters though. I recommend it for fans of gore and SOV films.