American Commando Ninja (1988)

American Commando Ninja (1988)

Director: Lo Gio

Stars: Martin Chan, Daniel Garfield, Yolanda Kuk

You see the name listed as director? Don't be fooled my friends. Looking up Lo Gio only brings up two credits...this film and one from 1974. I almost gave Joseph Lai the benefit of the doubt that he had employed another hack to make his films but then in the closing credits I saw it...Story by Godfrey Ho.

I'm 100% convinced I just suffered through another Goddamn Godfrey Ho crapfest.

This movie is a rare one, as it's really one of the only martial arts films that was shot on video. Yep, not only is Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai involved, but they brought their camcorders with them. 

The "story" concerns a scientist with a germ warfare formula and several groups of people that are trying to retrieve said formula. They include a white guy in an office with a circus clown for a girlfriend, a crazy uncle with his own army and two nieces fighting over who will have the ugliest haircut, and a ninja and his new found bromance who are the heroes of this story. The two guys are named Larry and David. Please, curb your enthusiasm.

Unlike most of these films, it doesn't star Richard Harrison and it isn't made up with half a decent movie and half a movie where white guys run around with headbands that say "ninja" on them. But even without those obstacles,  these guys manage to make a film that's completely fucking incoherent. Now that's talent.

Things I Took From American Commando Ninja

- Wise advice from this movie "never trust a scientist". That's why I know Jupiter's gonna crash into us any day now. Just you wait, assholes.

- If you know someone has a homing device on him, take the coat with the device on it and throwing it 20 feet isn't going to throw the bad guys off much. Maybe irritate them a bit though.

- Why is this girl wearing confederate flag shorts?

- Speaking of shorts, why the hell is everyone wearing short shorts. It looks like half the cast is only wearing a shirt and it creeps me out. 

-And while I'm on the subject, whoever was the costume designer on this film should be put out back and shot. Lime green pants, tons of daisy dukes, and shirts of many neon colors. It's like the late 80's surf craze threw up on everyone.

- Apparently a mysterious form of martial arts is called...and I shit you not...Hocus Pocus. This ancient technique includes blow fire out of your fingertips and pulling a rabbit out of your hat...but a rabbit with a katana sword.

- I like when the uncle yells at one of the heroes about being too young to know suffering. "In our day, it was either starve or eat another person, and we LIKED IT!"

- Look out for the "Tusken Raider in Star Wars" tribute every time some fires a gun more than once. Also dig those magically appearing ninja stars.

- One of the girls is so stupid, she thinks her parents were killed during world war 2, despite being maybe 25 years old. Someone's getting an F in history.

- I was going to make a joke about how the final battle looks like it takes place on a giant playground until I realized it actually WAS being fought on a giant playground! 

- The final scene is sweet, when Larry and David do the patented bro handshake and gaze into each other's eyes, holding back their true feelings. You don't believe me? The whole movie's on youtube. Go watch it and see. I expect an apology.

Undefeatable (1993)

Undefeatable (1993)

Director: Godfrey Hall

Stars: Cynthia Rothrock, Don Niam, John Miller

Cynthia Rothrock was one of those rare female martial arts stars in the late 80's- mid 90's. I mean rare not in that she was a female kicking butt, which she did to an above average degree, but that she may be the only action star that looks like she's going to drop the kids off at soccer practice. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm sure some people have a fetish for that, but it does make you wonder what happens at PTA meetings when things don't go her way.

Cynthia is a waitress who fights men on the side for extra pocket cash. She's also working hard to send her daughter sister through college. She gets arrested because them side fights aren't exactly legal and the main cop takes a likin' to her.

On the other side of town, we have Stingray. Stingray is your average run of the mill sadistic fighter who enjoys nice flowers, a good dinner, and forcibly raping his wife/girlfriend. She has enough and leaves, which causes Stingray to go off his rocker and start killing women who look like his beloved. Oh he has mommy issues as well.

So Stingray's chocolate gets stuck in Rothrock's peanut butter when her sister is murdered by Stingray. She and her stalkish cop pal try to reach him before he kills again. Spoiler: He does.

Six Things I Took From Undefeatable

1. If the woman you run into does NOT look like your ex, it's only polite to apologize about running into her. Be a crazy serial killer...DON'T be an asshole.

2. Apparently you can enroll people in college without their permission! Won't my neighbor be mad when he finds out I enrolled him at Yale. He really wanted to go to Harvard.

3. In this city, everyone knows kickboxing. From the waitresses, to the shoppers, to the psychiatrists. Sure it cuts down on the tourists shoplifting, but when everyone can kick your ass, no one can kick your ass. Put THAT in a fortune cookie.

4. I know it probably looks cool, but fish don't appreciate you decorating their tanks with eyeballs. Get a nice neon castle for them to swim in and out of. It's not always about you.

5. I'm not blaming the victims here, because the man was obviously deranged, but if you're going to out with giant hair and dressed like you're going to the mall, maybe....it's not such a bad thing.

6. All during this movie, there was this odd feeling that I knew this film. No, not from the bonus clip, but the overall tone of the movie. It's right at the tip of my tongue though...I wonder what this director Godfrey Hall has done. Checking.....

...Godfrey Hall

Godfrey Ho

SON OF A BITCH!

While I try to get over this Ho down, here's the final fight from this shitheap. I'll be..."seeing" you again soon. I'm sorry.

Ninja Kill VHS Artwork

"Hey cut it out guys, I'm trying to get my picture taken for the cover!!

Zombie Vs Ninja (1989)

Zombie Vs Ninja (1989)

Director: Godfrey Ho (well at least the scenes with white people in it)

Stars: Pierre Kirby, Dewey Bosworth, Patrick Frzebar

It's really hard to describe this....film. director Godfrey Ho took a typical film about a guy seeking revenge against those who killed his dad, threw in a bugs bunny looking undertaker who trains him, add horrible dialouge over it, and then film additional scenes with a whole other subplot filled with white people in ninja outfits made out of multicolored hefty bags. There's also mention of gold but I'll be damned if I saw any.

Six Things (HA!) I've Learned from Zombie Vs Ninja

1. I have trouble believing that there were people in China named "Ethan".

2. Instead of finding a needle in a haystack, you're more likely to find a dead body. That's a lazy ass Undertaker

3. You could tell the white guys (with great names like Duncan, Ira, and Bobby) were ninjas due to the headbands with NINJA written on it. I'm not kidding. Look!

Ira the ninja strike a fearful pose.

4. Godfrey Ho really enjoyed making the Bugs Bunnytaker talk about taking a shit.They do at least three or four shit jokes. They stunk.

5. Ninjas are able to hide in the forest with their neon yellow and pink outfits. Like chameleons.

6.  At no point whatsoever did I know what the hell was going on. Ever. Ethan's fighting a bad guy, then Bugs Bunnytaker has a cross the world conversation with the All American Ninja...then some evil woman is killing guys she sleeps with...AND I NEVER FOUND OUT ABOUT THE F'ING GOLD!!

I either hate you or love you Godfrey Ho. Mostly hate though mixed with a little bewilderment and slightly frightened.