Body Rock (1984)

Body Rock (1984)

Director: Marcelo Epstein

Stars: Lorenzo Lamas, Ray Sharkey, Michelle Nicastro

I realize that a review consisting of a picture of me with my jaw dropped wasn't going to cut it, so I had to compose myself to be able to talk about this insane film.

Chilly D (Lamas) heads up a crew of various rappers, breakdancers, and DJ's called the Body Rock. Chilly is just your classic, clean cut guy with a fast mouth, a good look, and an allergy to sleeves. When Chilly gets a new nightclub manager to come see Body Rock's show, he's upset that the guy only wants him. But roll him up in blacklit toilet paper, give him a rich but vacant sugar mama, and bedazzled his face, and Chilly dumps his friends like people do DVD's of Renegade. But since that happens after the first half hour, you know it's gonna turn to shit.

Watching this, it was like someone saw Breakin', thought "Hey, we can do this kind of movie too" and then someone else ran in and yelled "put in lots of musical style numbers!" to make it instantly uncool.

Will Chilly D realize that dumping his friends isn't cool? Will the girl he's sweet on be OK that he's dating a moronic socialite? Why is there an 12 year old kid working in a nightclub? Why is Meat from the Porky's movies playing a bouncer? Go watch it yourself...I'm not sitting through that again!

Things I Took From Body Rock

- If you watch this film, the first 30 minutes seem almost normal. Then around the 35 minute mark, it turns into a world of What The Fuckery.

- Look Lorenzo, I know you want people to go see you perform at the club, but I don't think breaking the fourth wall and asking the viewer to go is the best way to go about it.

- They bedazzled Lorenzo's face for a musical number. Not a little bit of glitter, but actual rhinestones forming on his face. No clue why he's not taken seriously.

- At one point I thought "This couldn't get any weirder". Trying to prove me wrong, the movie takes Chilly and his new rich buddies and have them go to a gay bar. Hey Chilly, you just had rhinestones on your face, don't try to act macho when the Robert Duvall looking guy who's bankrolling you wants a little tongue action. Damn prude.

- At one point early in the film, Chilly is dressed up exactly like Ken in Street Fighter 2. HaDORKen!

- Never ask Chilly to help you get into a place. No matter how many times I told them I was with Chilly, the Applebees people made me hold one of those vibrating coasters anyway. It felt good in my pants. What? Like you never did that.

- There's a deeper message in this movie, and it's one that I haven't seen talked about anywhere. I'm talking about sleeves. Let me explain. When we see Chilly, every article of clothing is missing sleeves. This is to show that he's a simple man, with simple pleasures like hanging with his buddies and performing some of the worst raps ever written by an 8 year old. But once he's lured into more expensive tastes, he's wearing sleeves like they're going out of style. Long sleeves, shorts sleeves, you got a sleeve, and he'll conform to wear it. Sure he's sleeveless on stage, but that's just him "frontin" as the kids never say. It's only after the inevitable downfall that he realizes that those sleeves were choking him, constricting the talent that he may have hiding in his armpits. So off those sleeves went and the happier he got. Still looking for the talent though.

I had to put a clip to this, and if anything sums up the insanity and awfulness that is Body Rock, this is it.