Fairy Tales (1978)

Fairy Tales (1978)

Director: Harry Hurwitz

Stars: Don Sparks, Sy Richardson, Linnea Quigley

As with most sex comedies, this one is pretty straight forward. A prince on his 21st birthday must find a woman that can get him "excited". So he sets off to Fairy Land where he meets a bunch of famous children's book characters doing things I ain't never read about. Maybe in Playboy, but I just look at that for the ads.

For a young man growing up and starting to really notice girls, waking up after my parents went to bed, sneaking my way to the living room, and seeing this on late night cable was like hitting the boner jackpot. I hadn't seen this movie in at least 25 years, but it brought back some fond (and slightly embarrassing) memories.

Although there is lots and lots of full frontal nudity in this, the way this is all presented makes it come off less sleazy than just goofy. Outside of a few lame risque jokes, and of course fully naked women, there's nothing really offensive here. Fun and harmless.

Things I Took from Fairy Tales

- This movie reminds me that Professor Irwin Corey is still alive at 100! I wonder if he watches this on a loop.

- Naked Angela Aames as Little Bo Peep? DEAR GOD YES PLEASE!!

- Odd thing to notice while tits are on screen every 15 seconds, but Don Sparks, who plays our hero the Prince, does a really good job in the role. Has a real everyman quality to him. He's done a ton of TV work since then.

- I think if you had a sex comedy at any time during the 70's (and early 80's) there has to be one character that's a complete flaming homosexual stereotype. In this case, it's Jack to the always horny Jill. I got something you can fetch. That was for Jill...not Jack. I swear. Shut up.

- I had completely forgotten that this movie had musical numbers in it. Some not that great, but the Snow White song about her sex starved seven dwarves is a highlight.

- Never thought I would see a trio of naked masked ladies singing a song about S&M in the vein of the Andrews Sisters. One of those naked beauties is Evelyn Guerrero, who is best known as Donna in the Cheech and Chong movies.

- If you watch the aforementioned S&M number, watch for the chained up guy really having a good time. You'll know who I'm talking about.

-The little guy helping the weird cop looks like a tiny Iron Sheik.

- Ol' King Cole was a bug eyed overacting soul. A bug eyed overacting soul indeed.

I wonder when Gussie Gander has to replace the carpeting in her shoe of ill repute, if she goes shag or Dr. Scholls. Maybe she's gellin'.

-I'm surprised to see how fresh faced Linnea Quigley is in this film (she still looks great today). I then noticed she was nude. Suddenly things got awkward. I shouldn't have watched this on the library's computer. 

At the end of this movie, they promised us three prizes. I don't care about the love potion or the cod piece (I already have a custom one), but the sheep...I have a friend who's in need of one. For the wool I mean. Really. Stop looking at me like that. Don't you walk away from me!! STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD!

 If you want to see the whole thing, it IS on YouTube. But it's very NSFW. But here is a compilation of the doorman to Mother Hubbard's cat house. One of the unsung heroes of this film if you ask me.

Hot Resort (1985)

Hot Resort (1985)

Director: John Robins

Stars: Bronson Pinchot, Dan Schneider, The "Leon's Getting Larger" guy from Airplane!

In the 80's there was apparently a fad in which every sex comedy had to take place at a resort. I understand why...bikinis, nice locations to film in, boobs but it makes things a bit...repetitive. This movie tries, but I still had to look up the movie by the partial title Resort. This brought seemingly 112 movies with that in the title. Yikes.

This movie is about brave young men going out on their own to earn money for college by being the hardest workers they can be....I'm just fucking with you. Their idea of earning money is to get laid so many times that Hugh Hefner is like "whoa boys, take a break here and there". It's not just the employees (the main character is some weird cross between John Travolta and Epstein) , there's the oh so hilarious couple who has sex in every place imaginable. This couple has sex so much that when I later put in the DVD for Dawn of the Dead, they were there fucking in the mall!

The plot's pretty thread bare...more like a bunch of skits about guys getting laid. There's TV's Riddler Frank Gorshin talking about getting laid, the gay guy from Airplane! making jokes about sex, and of course Balki as one of the wisecracking staff...talking about sex. Does this movie make sense? Don't be reedickulus!

Six Things I've Learned From Hot Resort

1. There's a drill Sargent type who insults and berates the staff throughout the movie and then suddenly turns gay and hooks up with the guy from Airplane! I guess it's some deep kind of message...like although you can have a tough exterior, inside us all is this sensitive man yearing to come free...or they just typed the script blindfolded.

2. The main villains in this film are a rowing team filming some stupid soup commercial. The best part is how they talk. I guess the director hated Gilligan's Island (and rightfully so) because every one of these rowing bastards talk just like Thurston Howell the 3rd.

3. Dan Schneider gets all the ass in this movie. Yes, Ricky from Better Off Dead. That should tell you everything. "I'm sorry my ugly nipples blew up Ricky".

4. The horny couple have sex in somebody's car when the guy's back goes out. They tear the roof of the car so they can airlift the naked dude. THEY DESTROYED A STRANGERS CAR! What kind of note do you leave? Knowing them, probably their address and best times to come watch them have sex.

5. An old man is so horny in this film that at the end he gets a machine gun to murder his old wife with. I guess he wanted to have sex with muscular dudes because movie or no, you usually go to jail for that.

6. Judging by all the movies I've seen, if I were to go to a resort, I'd figure the staff will destroy my room, dump drinks on me, punch me in the balls, and have sex with my shoes. I ain't leaving no tip for squishy shoes pal!

The Party Animal (1985)

The Party Animal (1985)

Director: David Beaird

Stars: Matthew Causey, Timothy Carhart, Strange Woman who has a crow following her

Pondo Sinatra is a college student who just came off the turnip truck...I'm not joking. He actually shows up in the back of a turnip truck. He befriends a guy named Studley (man those were some confident parents!) who tries to help him with the ladies. Apparently there are no classes here, just people humping each other like rabbits. But none for Pondo, who can't even get laid in a whorehouse....no really. The whores clock out when he shows up. Pondo tries lots of wacky ways to get him some that includes a punk makeover, his buddy playing Cyrano, and a scene that'll make Cheech and Chong team up with Scarface to form an intervention. Eventually he figures out a formula that gives him a lot more than he bargained for.

That's it...Pondo trying to get laid. Well at least it stays true to the story. And there are boobies, so that's nice.

Six Things I've Learned From The Party Animal

1. Pondo Sinatra sounds like a rival lounge singer in Star Wars. It may be the best lead character name not associated with an 80's action star.

2. As bad (and oddly enjoyable) as this film was, if you were a fan of 80's alternative rock, this has one of the best damn soundtracks ever. The Buzzcocks,The Fleshtones, Dream 6 (whose members would go on to form Concrete Blond), even REM...although I don't remember ever hearing them in the movie.

3. Women in dorms will gladly play a stripping card game if you dress up like an ugly girl and randomly show up in their room. I tried this one out once...of course I ended up in a male dorm. I stayed there for two years.

4. I don't know about any of you, but when I want to have someone mentor me in the ways of sex, I immediately think of the school janitor. The only thing I learned from my school janitor was how to find the best closets to cry in.

5. Fake rubber dongs are always funny...even when they are used to discuss nuclear war.

6. There's a beautiful blond woman who keeps appearing in the film followed by a crow's call. I assume she's some sort of devil figure, but I guess the movie gets bored of her because at no point in the film are we allowed to figure out why she's there. Maybe she likes unappealing guys. Who's at my window?

Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

Director: Peter Markle

Stars: David Naughton, Shannon Tweed, Tracy Smith

An Idaho ski wunderkind travels to a big time ski competition. He picks up an annoying hitchhiker along the way and the love/lust tension follows. He falls in with a rowdy group of skiers led by Mister Making It himself David Naughton and they take on the asshole Europeans. They even give the big downhill slope the name Chinese Downhil. Because it's slanted. Haw haw.

Six Things I've Learned From Hot Dog: The Movie

1. Always keep your eyes to the face when your hotel clerk walks in wearing just a smile. Manners!

2. Never take drugs and get trapped in a sauna with sleazy European people. I learned that the hard way. Couldn't sit down for a couple days and felt dirty.

3. In every ragtag group, there should always be an asian guy. And he only speaks english when he wants to know what the fuck is going on.

4. So even though the hitchhiker girlfrfriend gets mad at Idaho and leaves him, he doesn't seem the bit surprised that she pops back up like nothing happened when he clearly won the competition. She still slept with the sleazy European guy!

5. Why wasn't there a bigger deal made when Idaho clearly won the competition!? I'm sure there would have been a Sports Illustrated article about rigging skiing com...I couldn't finish that with a straight face.

6. I didn't see one damn hot dog in this film. Talk about false advertising!