Body Rock (1984)

Body Rock (1984)

Director: Marcelo Epstein

Stars: Lorenzo Lamas, Ray Sharkey, Michelle Nicastro

I realize that a review consisting of a picture of me with my jaw dropped wasn't going to cut it, so I had to compose myself to be able to talk about this insane film.

Chilly D (Lamas) heads up a crew of various rappers, breakdancers, and DJ's called the Body Rock. Chilly is just your classic, clean cut guy with a fast mouth, a good look, and an allergy to sleeves. When Chilly gets a new nightclub manager to come see Body Rock's show, he's upset that the guy only wants him. But roll him up in blacklit toilet paper, give him a rich but vacant sugar mama, and bedazzled his face, and Chilly dumps his friends like people do DVD's of Renegade. But since that happens after the first half hour, you know it's gonna turn to shit.

Watching this, it was like someone saw Breakin', thought "Hey, we can do this kind of movie too" and then someone else ran in and yelled "put in lots of musical style numbers!" to make it instantly uncool.

Will Chilly D realize that dumping his friends isn't cool? Will the girl he's sweet on be OK that he's dating a moronic socialite? Why is there an 12 year old kid working in a nightclub? Why is Meat from the Porky's movies playing a bouncer? Go watch it yourself...I'm not sitting through that again!

Things I Took From Body Rock

- If you watch this film, the first 30 minutes seem almost normal. Then around the 35 minute mark, it turns into a world of What The Fuckery.

- Look Lorenzo, I know you want people to go see you perform at the club, but I don't think breaking the fourth wall and asking the viewer to go is the best way to go about it.

- They bedazzled Lorenzo's face for a musical number. Not a little bit of glitter, but actual rhinestones forming on his face. No clue why he's not taken seriously.

- At one point I thought "This couldn't get any weirder". Trying to prove me wrong, the movie takes Chilly and his new rich buddies and have them go to a gay bar. Hey Chilly, you just had rhinestones on your face, don't try to act macho when the Robert Duvall looking guy who's bankrolling you wants a little tongue action. Damn prude.

- At one point early in the film, Chilly is dressed up exactly like Ken in Street Fighter 2. HaDORKen!

- Never ask Chilly to help you get into a place. No matter how many times I told them I was with Chilly, the Applebees people made me hold one of those vibrating coasters anyway. It felt good in my pants. What? Like you never did that.

- There's a deeper message in this movie, and it's one that I haven't seen talked about anywhere. I'm talking about sleeves. Let me explain. When we see Chilly, every article of clothing is missing sleeves. This is to show that he's a simple man, with simple pleasures like hanging with his buddies and performing some of the worst raps ever written by an 8 year old. But once he's lured into more expensive tastes, he's wearing sleeves like they're going out of style. Long sleeves, shorts sleeves, you got a sleeve, and he'll conform to wear it. Sure he's sleeveless on stage, but that's just him "frontin" as the kids never say. It's only after the inevitable downfall that he realizes that those sleeves were choking him, constricting the talent that he may have hiding in his armpits. So off those sleeves went and the happier he got. Still looking for the talent though.

I had to put a clip to this, and if anything sums up the insanity and awfulness that is Body Rock, this is it.

Jeff Goldblum is the everyman in Buckaroo Banzai

Those who know me know that the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai is one of my all time favorite films. Hell, it was in the first logo for this very site! When Barry of Cinematic Catharsis mentioned he was putting together this Goldblumathon, it was the perfect chance for me to talk about one of the main reasons why I loved this film so much. 

Jeff Goldblum plays US (the everyman/woman) in this film.

You may say to yourself, "Is Lashley drunk again!?" Well, yeah a little bit, but hear me out here. There are several things that lead me to believe this theory.

1. He's in awe of Buckaroo

Buckaroo is the ultimate celebrity. Doctor, scientist, rock star, comic book hero...the man does it all. Everyday folk don't always get the chance to interact with major celebrities, so we live vicariously through films. THIS film knows that, so Goldblum (playing New Jersey) plays us by proxy...being in awe that Buckaroo could easily walk in and help him with a complicated operation, and then casually traveling through a mountain. And don't tell me you don't get a little star struck. I saw how you wet your pants when you met the puppet Madame. I saw EVERYTHING.

2. His outfit

After being asked to join the Hong Kong Cavaliers, Goldblum decides to dress the part of a music star. Sure most people wouldn't be caught dead in an oversized cowboy hat and assless chaps (I think they were assless), but dig a little deeper, shallow Hal. Country music is pure Americana...music for the working class and the schmoes like us, who are lazy bastards. His outfit tells us "Hey, I'm a man of the people...and I choose to represent them in this outfit". Bravo, sir.

3. His awkwardness in the HK Cavaliers

Now the Hong Kong Cavaliers are a group of guys who are pretty much Buckaroo's inner circle, so for an everyday guy like Goldblum to join up is both exciting and a bit nerve racking. Who here hasn't gotten to join an elite group (like following me on twitter) only to not know what to say or do? As an everyday person, one would also feel out of place and a bit apprehensive among these living TMZ headliners. New Jersey is playing out my joining the Spanish Club on the big screen, man.

4. He has a different way of viewing things.

So you're probably saying "Man, that Lashley really must be hitting the good stuff", to which I would reply "make me another drink or it's the back of my hand for you!" I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean that. Really. Let's start over.

At one point, the guys break into Yoyodine's computers and notice that they all have names that 3rd graders would snicker at. Names like John Big Bootay and John Small Berries. Hehehe. That means small balls. They noticed all these guys registered their date of birth on exactly the same day, October 31st, 1938, in Grover Mills, New Jersey. While the ego trippin celebs are trying vainly to figure out what it all means, our everyman by proxy figures out that This was the date of the infamous War of the Worlds radio broadcast. By knowing that, he figures out that the radio broadcast was real, but the aliens used some sort of mind control to say it was a hoax. Only a person with their ear to the grindstone could have figured that out. What celebrity do you think can do that? Bradley Cooper? Scarlett Johansson? Maybe Tara Reid, but that's it.

5. He's loyal

Buckaroo didn't have to choose Goldblum to join his band of merry men, but he did, so Goldblum is extremely loyal and helpful to Buckaroo. Examples including having a gun ready for him, and doing his damndest to save Penny after being tortured. The common everyday folk are a loyal bunch, preferring to stick to certain things, as they know it's what they like and has gotten a favorable response. I'm making everyday people sound more like pets now. This may not have been a good point.

Well there you have it, one drunken man's insane but 100% true theory about Jeff Goldblum playing the common man in this wonderful cult film. It says a lot of Jeff's acting ability to be able to sink himself to such depths to play us. It's like how million dollar celebrities play crack whores. That was a bit of self loathing I didn't expect from me. Time for another drink.

Read the rest of the Goldblumathon entries (including one by my much more talented wife) and remember, Goldblum is forever.

Exterminator 2 (1984)

Exterminator 2 (1984)

Director: Mark Buntzman

Stars: Robert Ginty, Mario Van Peebles, Deborah Geffner

John Eastland hates the same things we all hate....traffic, stepping in dog poop, and stylishly dressed thugs terrorizing the city. But while most of us just bitch about it or write letters to our local papers, Johnny boy is taking action. By action, I mean he's burning bad guys alive with a blowtorch. Can't argue with the success rate though.

In this sequel to the popular Exterminator, Eastland is still hanging out in the city, going to see wanna be Broadway dancers shake their ta-ta's at a dance joint, and cruising the streets with his old buddy in a garbage truck. An idealic life for sure...but Johnny has a way of fucking shit up.

A botch robbery results in an old dead couple. That don't sit well with the exterminator, who proceeds to bar-b-que a couple of the baddies who did it.  This brings him to the attention of X (Van Peebles), who is not amused. He's even more pissed when his brother gets roasted like a smore while the gang plays "dismember the cop on the train tracks". X rages war on the city, and on the Exterminator himself.

There's drug dealing, face melting, boobs swaying, and Robert Ginty attempting to act, despite every fiber in his being telling him not to.

Things I've Learned/Things To Watch Out For

- Look for a young looking Irwin Keyes and Arye Gross in roles as X's minions. Yes, Arye Gross. I'm not intimidated either.

- Robert Ginty has two faces....confused and even more confused.

-This movie has taught me to never trust breakdancers again. They'll only get you paralyzed. Spinning bastards.

- You might think you're being smart by tailing Johnny's trash truck of death, but it's gonna backfire. Oh boy does it ever.

- Enjoy the montage of Johnny adding various weapons to the garbage truck, cut with shots of a thug stuck inside the garbage truck eating spoiled food. It works better than I thought.

-The music here is very good...reminding me of various Italian horror synth scores. However, they must have only paid the guy to create one song, because it is used over and over and over and over again. I do like how he changes the tempo to make it either a heart stopping action score or a tender "let's have sex " score.

- Look, just because you get paralyzed by some thugs doesn't mean you blame your boyfriend for it....even though that's who they were targeting...and you were seen in the garbage truck with him...and he killed the main bad guy's brother. You know what, it IS his damn fault. What a terrible boyfriend.

- Ever notice how thugs in these movies are always stylishly dressed? If these were real thugs, they'd be wearing hand me downs and smell awful. But who wants to see someone get mugged by a guy wearing a "Carter in '80" shirt with holes in it?

Strangers in Paradise VHS Cover

AKA Samurai Marionettes.

Bachelor Party (1984)

Bachelor Party (1984)

Director: Neal Israel

Stars: Tom Hanks, tawny Kitaen, Adrian Zmed

Tom Hanks plays a goofy lovable bus driver, so you know this movie is not based in reality. He's marrying the wealthy Tawny Kitaen, who is concerned about his upcoming...you guessed it... bachelor party. Tom's randomly grouped together pals try to find hookers for the party, because you want your buddy to get a venereal disease before he passes it along to his new wife. I think a set of dinnerware would be less costly.

There's drugs, dead donkeys, TJ Hooker's pal, a full moon, and of course, Nick the dick.

Six Things I've Learn from Bachelor Party

1. Forcing a woman's child to lay down will instantly make her want to put your head near her large bosoms. Chicks dig forced naps.

2. A hot dog penis is NOT a part of a nutritional breakfast, no matter how many times you tug on it.

3. I love that this group filled it's sleazy funhouse mirror version of Woody Allen quota.

4. I've always had a bit of a crush on Tawny Kitaen. I even tried to impress her by rolling around on the hood of her car. I think she was impressed because she sped up.

5. It doesn't matter how nice the car is, it is illegal in most states to trade one in for a woman.

6. I miss moments like the heroes tying the villain to a bed buck naked, throwing him out the window, and having him fall onto a car, where his butt is welcomed with loving kisses. Attempted murder is  hilarious!

Streets of Fire (1984)

Streets of Fire (1984)

Director: Walter Hill

Stars: Michael Pare, Dianne Lane, Rick Moranis

In a post apocalypse Earth, where everything's some bizarre mashup of American Bandstand 50's and let's make everything neon 80's, this depression era dressed mercenary rescues a pop star who is kidnapped by a biker gang. Along the way pick up a manly looking woman, a cranky acting Rick Moranis, a do-wop group, and some groupie. There's your A-Team right there.

There's a lot of good music in this, although the cheese factor of this movie may block you up for weeks.

Six Things I've Learned From Streets of Fire

1. No matter how badass your fighting skills may be, nobody is going to be intimidated by a bad high school mustache.

2.When ever the lead villain is a biker, always make sure your hair is as ridiculous looking as possible. It shows that you're so badass, you don't care that you look like a hawk that had sex with a human female.

3. I love that the "hero" puts together a team made entirely of annoying people who hate each other. That's some skills right there.

4. No matter how much I wish it, the Baseball Furies from Walter Hill's The Warriors are NOT going to show up and beat everyone with baseball bats.

5. This movie taught me that if you get into a one on one fight in the middle of the road with a crazy biker gang leader who brought all his biker buds, the best thing to do is call on Bill Paxton and his army of gun toting bird people to back you up.

6. The ending scene/song is awesome, with pretty much the whole cast on stage (minus our "hero"). I just wished that the two main bad guys (played by Willem Dafoe and Lee Ving) would have had a change of heart and jumped onstage, smiling and singing with the do-wop group and Dianne Lane. Would have made it 5 stars in stead of just 4 1/2 stars.

Men Behind The Sun (1988)/The Ice Pirates (1984)

Men Behind the Sun (1988)

Director: T.F. Mous

Stars: Gang Wang, Hsu Gou, Tie Long Jin

A group of young Japanese men in the Youth Corps are sent to a facility  which houses Unit 731. Here they see awful experiments dealing with coming up with a new strain of the bubonic plague. The group befriend a young Chinese boy and when asked, they naively send him to Unit 731 for testing. I...

I can't. I can't review this. This film turns my stomach in ways I never thought possible. It may be a cop out, but I just never got into this kind of exploitation. At least with crap like Illsa (which I also despise), there's an element of cheesiness to it. This is just...bleak and depressing. I'm sure that's the point of the film, but I just can't put myself up to it. But I promised a review for you. Hmm....

I got it.

The Ice Pirates (1984)

Director: Stewart Raffill

Stars: Robert Ulrich, Angelica Huston, Mary Crosby

Water is scare in the future and considered the greatest thing to own...so of course the only people who seem to own it are evil bastards. Enter Jason (Ulrich) and his merry band of pirates, stealing ice from those evil tyrants. When a princess save Jason and his partner Roscoe, she tells them of a plan to find the 7th World, where the water flows free and people can drown in happiness. There's also robots and for some weird reason a totally featherless parrot. Ew.

Six Things I've Learned From Ice Pirates

1.  I had great joy in seeing a robot cab driver/pimp who spoke in sterotypical 70's blaxploitation talk.

2. They have "programs" on little clear discs that plays some romantic waves crashing on a screen similar to one of those ride simulators they used to have at the mall. I tried this once with my wife and ended up with two hours of old people shuffleboarding. Most romantic two hours of my life.

3. Space herpes look an awful lot like one of the Alien babies with the face of Gammorean Guard. Also had nothing to do with the plot. Space herpes.

4. Nobody should ever put Bruce Villanch in a movie, especially if it's just his head.

5.  ONly got 15 minutes left in the film and too much time to get to the 7th World? Just fast forward parts of the movie and age the hell out of everyone. You'll be so confused you won't realize not a damn thing is happening.

6. SPOILER: The 7th World is Earth. Mind blowing, isn't it?

And just because I feel compelled to...

One Thing I've Learned From Men Behind the Sun

1. There are movies that even I won't watch. Yet I still watched Death Nurse. What is wrong with me?!

Razorback (1984)

Razorback (1984)
Director: Russell Mulcahy
Stars: Gregory Harrison, Arkie Whiteley, Bill Kerr

A vicious wild boar terrorizes the Australian outback.

Six Things I Learned from Razorback

1. Courts don’t believe pigs can steal babies. They blame people. Pfft, politics!
2. Rapists use the term “make love”.
3. In Australia, the proper way of saying goodbye is to fire off shotgun rounds.
4. Hiding from pigs on a windmill is one of the least manliest things ever. The next would be getting pushed down by them.
5. Razorbacks will literally steal half of your house.
6. Pigs don’t like it when you tell them to kiss your ass.

Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

Director: Peter Markle

Stars: David Naughton, Shannon Tweed, Tracy Smith

An Idaho ski wunderkind travels to a big time ski competition. He picks up an annoying hitchhiker along the way and the love/lust tension follows. He falls in with a rowdy group of skiers led by Mister Making It himself David Naughton and they take on the asshole Europeans. They even give the big downhill slope the name Chinese Downhil. Because it's slanted. Haw haw.

Six Things I've Learned From Hot Dog: The Movie

1. Always keep your eyes to the face when your hotel clerk walks in wearing just a smile. Manners!

2. Never take drugs and get trapped in a sauna with sleazy European people. I learned that the hard way. Couldn't sit down for a couple days and felt dirty.

3. In every ragtag group, there should always be an asian guy. And he only speaks english when he wants to know what the fuck is going on.

4. So even though the hitchhiker girlfrfriend gets mad at Idaho and leaves him, he doesn't seem the bit surprised that she pops back up like nothing happened when he clearly won the competition. She still slept with the sleazy European guy!

5. Why wasn't there a bigger deal made when Idaho clearly won the competition!? I'm sure there would have been a Sports Illustrated article about rigging skiing com...I couldn't finish that with a straight face.

6. I didn't see one damn hot dog in this film. Talk about false advertising!

Up the Creek (1984)

Up The Creek (1984)

Director: Robert Butler

Stars: Tim Matheson, Jennifer Runyon, Stephen Furst

Bob McGraw is in his 12th year of college, goofing his way through life. Bob, Irwing, Gonzer and Max are the four losers forced and bribed to represent their university in an intercollegiate raft race. Forced and bribed into this role, they make some friends, the lovely Heather Merriweather, but mostly enemies, among others a whole team of marines, and preppy IVY-leaguers determined to win.

6 Things I Learned from Up The Creek

1. Cheap Trick is up a creek. Does that count as a cheap trick?

2. If a bird is chirping, the corrective action to take is to shoot it with a bazooka.

3. Winning a raft race will get you a diploma for any major.

4. Bologna and ice cream are a great mix.

5. Tim Matheson's dog is a whore.

6. They train you how to blow up a river in the army.